by Beth Ehemann
“Just keep rolling it. It’ll stick. You got it,” I called out.
He picked it up again and started spinning the ball through the snow as he crawled on his knees behind it. The bigger the snowball grew, the bigger his smile grew.
“Viper! Look!” he yelled proudly as he tried to lift the basketball-sized snowball in the air above his head.
“Good job, bud! Whoa! Careful!” I rushed over and put my hand on it before he dropped it and lost his mind. “Here. Hold on tight.” I lifted him with one arm and put my other hand under the snowball so that he thought he was doing it himself, and we put the head on the top of the snowman together.
“What do you think?” I asked as Matthew beamed at our snowman.
“I think it’s awesome.”
“I think it needs some decorations,” Michelle called from behind us.
We turned around and she was standing on the porch holding a few things. Matthew squirmed out of my arms and ran over to grab them from her. We tied an old red scarf around the snowman’s neck, used a carrot and grapes for his face, and found rocks and sticks for his arms and buttons.
“I think he’s done,” I said as we put an old sun hat on his head.
“Not yet.” Matthew shook his head. “He needs a name.”
“He does need a name. You’re right. Any ideas?”
Matthew pulled his top lip in and thought hard about it. “How about Earl?”
“Earl?” I repeated with a loud laugh.
He nodded.
“Whatever you want. If you want Earl, Earl it is.”
The front door opened again and Michelle called Matthew’s name.
“Do I have to come in?” he whined.
She nodded. “It’s lunchtime.”
“Can I come back after lunch?” He pulled his hat off and slinked toward the house sadly.
“We’ll see. Come on.” Matthew walked past her into the house and she looked out at me. It took all I had not to run up to the porch and wrap my arms around her, but instead I gave her a tight smile and quick wave before I walked back to my car. I started the engine and plugged my phone back in, noticing that I had a text.
Brody: Just checking in on you. I talked to Andy and he said you slept in your car last night. Have you completely lost your fucking mind?
I laughed out loud.
Yes, I did and yes, I have. I’m not leaving here until I win her back.
Brody: And what if that never happens?
Not an option.
Brody: Well, I’m crossing everything for ya, buddy. I hope it works out. I really do.
Thanks. Can you also do me a favor?
Brody: Sure
Can you thank your wife for me?
Brody: Kacie? Sure. For what?
For giving me the kick in the balls I needed. I knew that I needed to talk to Michelle, but I was too scared to come over here without a plan. After Kacie ripped me a new one, I thought about it a lot and decided it wasn’t so much the words I used, but the feeling behind them.
Brody: Look at you. My little Viper is all grown up. I’ll let her know. Good luck, brother. Keep me posted and let me know if you need anything.
Actually, I do need one thing. Have you left for the airport yet?
Brody: Not for a couple hours. Why?
Half an hour later, Brody’s black pick-up truck pulled up behind mine and I hopped out.
“You’re the best!” I rubbed my hands together as he walked around the back of his truck and pulled two big red plastic gas cans out. I took them from him and walked back to my car.
“Nice snowman.” He nodded toward the yard as he followed me.
“Thanks. That’s Earl.”
“Earl?” He laughed out loud.
“Yep. Matthew named him,” I added. I unscrewed the gas cap and lifted the first gas can, pouring it into my tank.
Brody leaned against the back of my car and shook his head. “You’re really going to sleep out here again?”
My eyes lifted to his and I spoke in a low, steady voice. “Yes, I am.”
“In that case . . .” He turned and walked back to his truck and pulled a large bag out of the front seat. “Here. This is for you.”
I frowned down at the bag. “What is it?”
“Baby wipes, antibacterial hand cleanser, a couple bottles of water, a large quilt, and a thermos of soup.”
“Huh?”
He shrugged. “I told Kacie what you said. Then I told her what you were doing. She said she’s glad she kicked your ass, too, and that she hopes this all works out. Then she packed you a bag and heated you some soup, further proving that I will never, ever, ever understand women as long as I live.”
I laughed and started pouring the gas from the second can into the car. “You have a good wife, Brody Murphy. A very good wife.”
He nodded slowly. “You will, too, Lawrence Finkle. I can feel it.”
I took a deep breath and exhaled loudly. “At this point, I just want to hug her and make the kids pancakes. Anything extra would be icing on the cake.”
“Keep up the good fight, brother. Kacie was so fucking mad at you the other night. I thought she might actually kill you. If you can get her to make you soup after that, I’m convinced anything is possible.”
“Thanks. And thanks for bringing this by.” I tilted my head toward the gas can. “It would have been a long, cold night without it.”
“Yeah, well I head out on the road in a few hours. If you run out again, you’ll have to call Andy, and we both know how that will go.”
I rolled my eyes. “Lecture city.”
“You know it!” He patted me on the shoulder and picked up the empty gas can. We both carried one back to his truck and set them in the back.
“All right, well . . . good luck. Hopefully you see the inside of a house again real soon. And maybe access to a shower. You smell bad as it is on a regular day. I can’t imagine how that car is gonna smell after a few more days.” He laughed and gave me a quick hug.
“Too bad Kacie didn’t pack deodorant, huh?”
“Amen to that.” He got into his truck and waved as he pulled away. I walked back to my car and put the blue duffel bag in the backseat.
As soon as I shut the back door, another car pulled up. I squinted my eyes and lowered my head to see who was in it. Vivian put her car in park and waved at me.
Go time!
I circled the front window like a hungry shark stalking a school of fish. The thud of a car door caught my attention and the beautiful woman talking to Viper at the back of his car kept me from moving. She was doing most of the talking and waving her hands around as he leaned his elbow on the trunk of his car and listened. They talked for a good five minutes as I hid, peeking out from behind the curtain. After a few more minutes, the woman pulled some papers out of a bag and set them on the back of the car. Viper hovered and looked at them as she kept talking. Eventually she handed him a pen and he signed whatever the papers were. Then she got back in her car and drove away.
Pacing across the front of the house, I went back and forth about whether or not to go out there. The jealous fourteen-year-old in me wanted to fly out the door, stomp my feet, and demand to know everything. The adult in me glared at that kid and told her to sit down and shut up. Ultimately, the fourteen-year-old won.
He was leaning against his car, staring down at the papers when I walked down the sidewalk toward him. The sounds of my feet crunching over the ice made him look up.
“Hey.” He stood up from the car and gave me a big, genuine grin.
“Hey. Who was that?” I tried to sound nonchalant but failed miserably.
“That was Vivian.”
“Oh. Who’s Vivian?”
He stared at me and took a deep breath. Then his eyes fell to the ground for a couple of seconds before reconnecting with mine. “Can I come in and talk to you?”
I was taken aback. “Huh?”
He shrugged. “Can I come in and can we talk? Please? No f
ighting. No yelling. Just talking, like this.”
“Viper, who’s that woman?”
“That’s part of what I want to talk to you about.”
I shook my head, frustrated that he wasn’t giving me any real answers. “Ugh. Fine,” I groaned and turned back to the house.
We walked in and I knew the kids—especially Maura—would want a few minutes to crawl all over him, so I didn’t stop it when it happened. He picked them both up, one in each arm, and covered their faces in dozens of kisses. After a few minutes of his attention, they scampered back to the playroom and he sat on the stool at the island. My heart was thumping fast. I didn’t know who that woman was or what he was about to say.
“Okay. Go,” I finally said, preparing myself for anything.
He folded his hands in front of his mouth and looked at me. His face was expressionless, but his eyes stared at me so intensely that every nerve in my body awoke and stood on end.
“I love you, Michelle,” he finally said.
I pulled my brows in tight. “What?”
“I love you. I really, really love you. Like . . . from-the-bottom-of-my-heart-don’t-know-how-to-live-without-you kind of love.”
My heart urged me to tell him that I loved him back, but I bit my lip so the words couldn’t come out.
“I have been horrible to you,” he continued. “The way I acted after surgery, the things I said when you told me about our baby, calling the kids your kids and not ours . . . I was horrible. I wouldn’t blame you if you told me to leave and never come back again, but don’t think for a second that’s going to make me stop loving you, because nothing will.”
“You were horrible,” I agreed softly.
“And I wish I could go back in time and take it all back, but I can’t. All I can do is vow never to do it again and move forward. But I want to do more than that. I need to prove to you that not only will I never treat you like that again, I’m never going to leave again.”
My head swirled as I tried to think of what to say back, but he wasn’t done.
He swallowed and looked down at the island. “Walking out that door that day was the single worst mistake I’ve ever made, and I see that now. I should have stayed. I should have taken a time-out. I should have done anything other than walk out that door. The longer I was gone, the harder it was to come back, but when Kacie showed me this”—he put an ultrasound picture on the island in front of him—“and told me about our son, I couldn’t stay away one more day.” His eyes lifted back to mine. “But . . . I’m an idiot. I’m not good with words and presents like Brody. I’m not in control and focused like Andy. I’m a big dumb idiot who is impulsive and pretty damn stupid.”
“You’re not stupid.” I sniffed.
“I am stupid. Walking away from you guys for all that time was stupid. But I want to make it better. I want to make it right. I want to make you feel secure again and show you that I’m not looking for the door ever again. So”—he laid the other papers on the counter—“I listed my house this morning. That house was my bachelor pad, my old life. Everything I want is here, in this house . . . all of my physical belongings and my people. I don’t ever have to go back to that house again.”
My eyebrows shot up. “You’re selling your house?” I exclaimed.
He nodded.
“Viper, I haven’t even let you back in yet.”
His shoulders shrugged. “I know, but I don’t want to go back there. I want to be here. Plus, that house reminds me of the worst time in my whole life, a time away from you and the kids, and I don’t want to go back there. Ever.”
Several weeks’ worth of feelings and emotions welled up inside of me and came bubbling quickly to the surface. I rubbed my forehead with my fingers as tears started falling from my eyes as fast as my eyes could make them. I believed him. I believed every word he said. I believed that he missed us. I believed that he wanted to be here. I dropped my hands and looked at him. He was staring back at me with tears in his eyes, too.
He tilted his head to the side. “Please, baby? Please let me come home. Please let me be a dad to the kids again. Please let me love you again. I can’t be without you guys for one more day.”
My breath hitched as I put my head in my hands and started to sob. Shoulder-shaking, stomach-clenching, couldn’t-breathe sobs. Viper rushed around the island and wrapped me in his arms. As soon as I felt them cover me, I cried even harder. He didn’t say any more, he just held me and let me cry until there was nothing else to let out. After several minutes, I pushed his stomach back gently and reached for a napkin to blow my nose. After I tossed the napkin in the garbage, before I could say anything, he pulled me against him for another hug.
There was a point, a month before, where I wasn’t sure if I’d ever feel his arms around me again, and now that they were, they felt so good that I didn’t ever want to move. I closed my eyes and leaned into him, inhaling the smell of him and feeling his chest muscles flex against the side of my head every time his arms moved up and down as he rubbed my back.
“There is one more thing that I need to tell you,” he said.
My eyes shot open and I froze. “What?”
His arms tightened around me. “The nurse at Gam’s . . . Kat—”
“Oh God! Viper.” I pulled back quickly and glared at him. “You did not!”
His mouth fell open and he raised his hands defensively. “No! No! Nothing happened. God no!”
My chest rose and fell heavily as I waited for him to explain himself.
“Years ago—several years ago—we dated. I had no idea she was going to be at Gam’s. I didn’t even know she was a nurse now. I asked Ellie to make all the arrangements, and before I got a chance to look over who she picked, I got hurt and it kind of took my attention off of that.”
I eyed him skeptically as my blood pressure slowly came back down. “So are there feelings there?”
He shook his head vigorously. “Absolutely not. Not even a little. Nothing.”
“Why didn’t you tell me sooner?” I asked.
He shrugged. “Same reason you didn’t tell me about the baby right away. There wasn’t really a good time. After I got hurt and we went to Gam’s—the day I got the call that I’d torn my ACL—that was the first time I saw her. I was going to fire her, but then she’d bonded with Gam and everything happened between you and me, and I just didn’t care about her anymore. I still don’t.”
I let out a heavy sigh as he took a step toward me and bent his head down to catch my eyes with his. “I want a fresh start with us, Michelle. Clean slate, starting today, so I don’t want anything that could be viewed as a secret hanging out there between us.”
“You’re sure there’s nothing there?”
“Michelle, I promise. There’s less than nothing.”
“Well, I have something to tell you, too.” I looked up at him and his head jerked back in surprise. “I spent Thanksgiving with Joel and Gavin.”
“Oh.” He waved his hand. “I already knew that.”
“You did?” My voice rose.
“Yeah, Kacie told me that, too.”
Blabbermouth.
“Are you mad?” I asked cautiously, not wanting to ruin all the progress we’d just made.
“Yes.” He nodded. “Mad at myself for not being here to spend the holiday with you guys, but not mad at you for having dinner with a friend. As much as it pains me to think about it, I’m glad he was here for you.”
“Wow!” I said in amazement. “I didn’t expect that to come out of you.”
“I didn’t expect it to come out of me either, but I mean it. I’m done playing games and having temper tantrums. That’s not who I am anymore. I want this. I want us.” He moved his hand back and forth between the two of us, then motioned down the hall toward the playroom. “I want them. I want our kids . . . Matthew, Maura, this little guy who has yet to be named . . . maybe even a couple more after him.”
My eyes flashed open and I let out a quick giggle t
hrough the tears. “Whoa! Slow down. You were living in your car up until an hour ago. Let’s not get ahead of ourselves with more babies, okay?”
He grabbed my shoulders and pulled me against him, squeezing me as hard as he ever had. “I love you, Michelle. And I’m so, so incredibly sorry. I can’t say that enough.”
“Yes, you can.” I hooked my arms under his and hugged him back. “That was your one and only get-out-of-jail-free card.”
“I won’t need another. I promise.”
We stood in the kitchen, hugging and swaying back and forth, until the kids came in and interrupted us several minutes later.
“I’m hungry!” Matthew whined. “I want lunch.”
“I have some soup in the car,” Viper joked.
I pulled back and looked up at him. “What? Soup?”
He let out a quick laugh. “Kacie made Brody bring me soup. It’s in my car.”
Matthew turned up his nose. “I don’t want soup.”
“I’ll make you something, bud.” I took a deep, cleansing breath and started toward the pantry, but Viper caught my arm.
“You sit. How about I make pancakes?” His eyes slid from me to Matthew, whose face lit up as he threw his hands in the air.
“Yes! Yes! I want pancakes!”
“Pancakes it is.” He grinned with a nod and kissed the side of my head.
Christmas had always been my favorite holiday, but I couldn’t remember a time in my entire life where I’d been more excited for that morning. Michelle said she was already done with all of the Santa shopping for Matthew and Maura, but I only saw that as a challenge. After therapy sessions, I’d stopped and gotten a few more things but hadn’t told her. I couldn’t wait to see the kids’ faces on Christmas morning.
The morning of Christmas Eve, I went to pick up Gam. Michelle and I had invited her to the house to spend the day with us, then sleepover and spend Christmas with us, too, but Gam was a homebody, so she turned us down initially. That’s when we’d handed the phone to Little Mo and told her to ask. Needless to say, I was picking Gam up to come home with me for a few days.