– Benson & Hedges?
– Uh-huh.
– Kind of an old lady cigarette. How’d you get started on those?
– Long story.
We pause while I light his cigarette, continue. Walking past houses I remember from my childhood. We stand in front of one with a particularly elaborate display: a mini Santa’s Village built on the lawn and spilling onto the driveway.
Wade looks down, sees something, bends, and picks up a pigeon feather. He tucks it into the zippered breast pocket of his jacket, sees the look on my face.
– I use them for work.
– What for?
– Marbling paint. You dip them in your dark color and run them over the base color while it’s still wet. Have to be real gentle, but you get a great effect. I save them in a little box.
He points at the display.
– Remember stealing Christmas lights?
– Yeah.
– What were we thinking?
– God knows.
We start walking again.
– What were you doing in my backyard, Hank?
WADE HILLER was the toughest guy I knew. The lead burnout in school. The kid in PE class who never dressed out. The guy with the mouth on him, who never wanted anyone else to have the last word. Corkscrew hair past his shoulders, thick arms and chest from hours of bench presses in his dad’s garage, a box of Marlboro Reds always rolled up in the sleeve of his T-shirt. He grew up around the block from me, went to all the same schools, but it wasn’t until I broke my leg that we had anything to do with each other. Jocks and burnouts: do not mix.
I couldn’t participate in PE and ended up sitting around with Wade and his pals Steve and Rich. And it turned out they were OK guys. Steve was really fucking smart, Rich was as mellow a person as I’d ever met. And Wade. High-strung, quickly violent, but just exciting and fun to be around. And then they got me into the whole burglary thing and me and Wade got busted, and I thought it was time for me to forget my new friends. Last I heard about Wade, he was well on his way to spending his life hanging out in Santa Rita County Jail.
I sit on the back bumper of one of his three trucks. Each of them with the words HILLER INTERIOR CONTRACTING painted on the side. Wade comes back out of the garage, a fresh beer in his hand.
– It’s cold, let’s get in.
He unlocks the truck and we climb into the cab. He hasn’t said much since I told him I thought he might have been spying on my folks for someone trying to find me. He sips at the beer.
– You know, I didn’t graduate from our school. I was way short on credits, had to go over to the continuation school where your mom worked. This would have been the year after you went off to college. She tell you about that?
– I guess I heard about it.
– She was great to me. I was a real fuckup. You know. She took me seriously, didn’t just write me off as a lost cause. And that was after we got arrested together. I figured she’d blame that shit on me, but she never even brought it up. I would never have graduated without her.
Mom always had a soft spot for the troublemakers, that’s why she took the job as principal at the continuation school in the first place.
– And after I graduated she was the one who convinced me to take some classes over at Modesto City. My dad did OK with me, but after my mom died.
I’m digging another smoke out of the pack and he reaches over and takes one for himself. I pass him my matches and he lights up.
– I’m gonna reek when I go in. Stace is gonna shit.
– Will she be worried where you are?
– I have insomnia, she’s used to me taking walks late. Besides, she sleeps like a rock.
We smoke.
– Yeah, Dad was a great guy, but he drank a lot after Mom died.
I remember raiding his dad’s booze after school. The handle-bottles of Jack Daniels, cases of Coors stacked in the garage.
– I remember that. Not your mom.
– Yeah she was gone before we were hanging out.
– Your dad drinking.
– He wasn’t mean or anything.
– I know.
– Just wasn’t there.
His dad, passed out on the couch by midday on the weekends.
– Yeah.
– Didn’t have much left over for me. Anyway. For a couple years, after I moved to San Jose, when I’d come home to visit him, I’d stop by the school to see your mom. She ever tell you that?
– No.
– Well, I did. And she was always encouraging me, always happy for me. Even when I got Stace pregnant and she was only eighteen and I was nineteen and we weren’t married yet. She sent us a card and a baby gift.
– I didn’t know about that.
– A little teddy bear.
– Yeah, that’s Mom.
– She kind of saved me, made a real difference in my life. I have my contractor’s license, my own business, been married for fourteen years. I have three great kids. Honestly, I don’t think I would have any of that if not for your mom.
He opens the window and flicks his butt out.
– So when that stuff happened in New York with you, I knew two things. I knew I’d do just about anything for your mom, and I knew there was no way that woman raised a killer. And I would have believed that even if I didn’t know you myself.
Wade takes the last swallow of his beer.
– So what did you think you were gonna do, coming over here in the middle of the night?
Kill you.
I finish my own smoke and toss it.
– I don’t know. I was pissed. Beat you up. Maybe.
He grunts.
– What now?
– I need to get out of town, take care of something.
He nods.
– I’d help, but. I have Stace and the kids to. I can’t.
– I understand.
– Maybe there’s something. Something small?
– Don’t suppose you know anyone in Vegas, someone could help me find someone else? Someone lost or hiding.
He laughs a little.
– You know, you know who’s in Vegas? Remember T?
T? Oh shit, T.
– The dealer we scored off? The spaz?
– Yeah.
– I thought he got three-striked and put away.
– No, no way. He had two convictions and was on parole when they busted him the third time. Somehow his lawyer got him bail, and he jumped it. Went to Vegas.
– I don’t know, man, he was such a…
– Such a fuckup?
– Yeah.
– Well, I guess that’s why we all got along.
I laugh.
– Yeah.
– You know what? He sends me, you’ll love this, he sends me Christmas cards, every year.
– No way.
– Yeah, complete, the guy is wanted here, and he sends me Christmas cards complete with a return address.
We’re both laughing.
– I just got this year’s, like, yesterday. Want me to go get it?
He puts his hand on the door.
– No, no, I don’t think T is the guy I need for this.
– No, you should see, you should see this, it’s a riot.
He’s really laughing now, and I can’t help but join in.
– Yeah, OK, OK, I want to see it.
– Hang on.
He opens the door and steps out just as the black Toyota pickup squeals around the corner and plows into the front of the truck, sending Wade flying to crash against the front of his house.
I OPEN my eyes. Where am I? I’ve been in an accident. I was driving my Mustang and something happened and. Oh, God. I think I killed Rich. Oh, God.
I’m lying on my back, looking up at the stars. I’m not in the Mustang. It’s not then, it’s now. I’m lying on my back in a driveway looking up at the stars. I’ve been in another accident. I’m lying next to a huge, long-bed pickup with the driver’s door hanging o
pen. There’s a black pickup that looks like it tried to occupy the same parking space as the long-bed. Bad call. I must have been thrown out of the long-bed when… When what?
My head is lodged in a cone of silence. I shake it and the sounds start to penetrate: dogs barking, car alarms set off by the crash, someone crying. Someone crying. I should see if I can help. I move my arms: check. I move my legs: check. Here goes. I roll onto my stomach and get myself up on my hands and knees. I won’t say it feels good, but nothing screams too loudly. OK, let’s go for broke: I stand up. My head does a little spin and tumble, the world spins the opposite way, trying to catch up, they crash together, and everything stops moving around. Safe to say I have some dings and bruises, but I’m better off than the guy with the mullet who’s lodged in the windshield of the long-bed. Mullet. When was the last time I saw someone with a mullet? Oh, right. The puzzle pieces in my head fall back together into the shape of my brain.
Fat Guy and Mullet Head must have been riding in the truck bed. Mullet Head is jammed into an indentation in the long-bed’s windshield that is shaped exactly like his body. Fat Guy is sprawled on the hood of the Toyota, just now propping himself up on his elbows to look around. Ponytail Boy is behind the wheel, trying to get his door open, but it looks like both of his arms are broken so he’s not doing a very good job of it. Leslie is the one who’s crying, except it’s more like screaming. She looks OK (has her seat belt on and everything), but she’s clutching something limp and dollish. Her door is hanging open. As I walk over, I hear a rustling sound, and turn to see a pair of feet sticking out of a bush, which tells me where Danny is.
I reach into the truck cab. Leslie stops screaming, lets me take Cassidy out of her arms and sits there holding herself, rocking back and forth.
I lay Cassidy on the pavement. There’s blood covering her face, and her long, honey hair is stuck in it. I take off the CSM jacket and wipe at the blood with the cotton lining. There’s a gash in her forehead where it must have slapped the dash. It’s bloody like all head wounds, but not too big. I press the jacket against her head and feel her pulse. Good, her pulse is good, her chest is rising and falling regularly, there’s no blood coming from her mouth, and none of her limbs are obviously broken. She was probably sleeping in her mom’s lap, her body limp and relaxed for the crash. That’s good.
– Leslie.
She’s staring at her daughter. Lights have come on in the houses on the street, people are standing on their porches in nightclothes.
– Leslie!
She looks at me.
– Come here and help.
She unbuckles and climbs down out of the truck.
– Take this.
I put her hand on top of the jacket over her daughter’s forehead.
– Just hold it here, keep pressure on it.
Patterson doesn’t have its own police force; it’s served by the Stanislaus County Sheriff’s Department. Last I knew they had two cars working the whole west side of the county. With a bit of luck, they’ll have to send one from Newman. The nearest hospital and ambulance service is in Turlock. So the siren that raises up now is probably the fire department.
I take my hand off of Leslie’s. She looks from her daughter’s face to mine.
– I think she’s OK. Just keep the pressure on and someone will be here real fast.
She nods.
– I have to go.
I walk up the driveway to Wade. His body is a tangled jumble. I touch his face, pocked with acne scars, the crazed hair clipped short and thinning. Oh shit, Wade.
– Wade?
I turn my head at the voice. A woman my age is standing at the top of the drive. She’s wearing flannel boxers, a too-large jacket she must have grabbed on her way out the door, and little booty socks on her feet. Her face is pillow-creased and her short dark hair is severely bedheaded. I recognize her from high school. Stacy Wilder. Wow, Wade hooked up with Stacy “The Wild One” Wilder. Way to go, buddy.
– Wade?
I stand up. Point at him.
– He.
And Danny shoots me in the back.
IT’S THE back of my leg, really.
My left leg flies out from underneath me and I fall on my back. Beyond the sound of the shot echoing in my ears, I hear doors slamming shut up and down the street as the rubberneckers dive back inside. The siren is coming closer.
– Got you, fucker.
I tilt my head and see Danny behind me.
– Got you good, wanted man.
Wanted man? Now how in hell does he know that? He takes a step closer. He’s bleeding from his mouth. Something to my left moves. I look and see a boy coming up behind Stacy, where she stands frozen, staring at Wade.
The boy is about thirteen, has Wade’s hair and flat nose. He’s wearing a San Jose Sharks jersey and carrying a hockey stick. He’s sees me and Danny. And then he sees his dad. His eyes go big and his mouth opens. I lift a hand.
– Stacy.
She looks from her husband to me. Danny nudges my head with his sneaker.
– Shut up.
I point at the boy.
– Stacy, get your boy inside.
Her eyes move from me to Wade, to me again, to Danny’s cheap Korean Glock knockoff. She turns, finds her gaping boy there, grabs him, and pulls him toward the front door.
– Shut the fuck up.
He’s right over me now. Perspective has him flipped upside down.
Upside down.
That’s a good idea.
– Danny, shouldn’t you be taking care of your daughter?
He turns his head to look over his shoulder and I reach up, grab his ankles, and pull his feet out from under him. The gun goes off and a bullet pokes a hole in the garage door. Danny hits the ground flat on his back, makes a woofing noise, and the gun jars out of his hand and skips down the driveway. I stand up, take a step to go after the gun, and my left leg folds under me.
Oh yeah, I’m shot.
Danny rolls onto his stomach and is crawling for the gun before I can try to stand again. I look at my leg. It’s bleeding, but it looks like it’s just the obligatory flesh wound, a shallow gash on the side of my thigh. Ready for the pain this time, I get to my feet and start limping around the side of Wade’s house, running from Danny and his shitty gun and the siren that is now very close.
The gate is unlatched from when Wade and I came out for our walk. I swing it open and pull it closed behind me, hearing the latch click as it locks. I limp toward the woodpile.
– Freeze, fucker.
Danny is climbing over the gate, gun waving in my general direction. He slips at the top of the fence, lands roughly on his side, and the gun goes off again, splintering firewood. I dive through the side door into the dark garage, close it and lock it, and limp toward the workbench.
I grab the drawer and yank. It’s locked. Well, of course it’s locked, you watched him lock it, asshole. There’s a crowbar mounted on the pegboard over the bench. I shove it into the crack between the drawer and the benchtop and heave. Grinding and a small snapping noise, but the drawer holds. Danny is banging on the door. I can see him framed there in the window. The siren sounds like it’s right up the street. I heave again, the drawer flies open, off its tracks and onto the floor. Danny presses his face against the glass, trying to see through the darkness inside.
– Open up, fucker. Fucking open up!
I grab the gun, flip the empty cylinder open, and squat painfully, digging through the mess that fell from the drawer, looking for ammo. Nothing.
Danny hits the window with a piece of firewood and it shatters.
I stand, and right there at eye level, on a shelf above the bench, is a black plastic box with MAGNUM written across the top in big red letters. I grab the box, pop the lid, and a handful of feathers flutters out.
Wade Hiller on the subject of pigeon feathers: “I save them in a little box.”
The siren screams close and stops right out front. For a moment a red an
d blue light pulses through the hole Danny shot in the garage door. Then he turns on the overheads and everything goes bright.
I flip the empty cylinder closed and turn. Danny squints at me and I squint back. He’s raising his gun. I bring up the .357 he has no idea I’m holding, and point it at his face. His eyes turn into Frisbees. He freezes, his gun hand wavering.
Before he can decide to shoot me, I do what Jimmy Cagney would do, and throw my empty gun at him.
AT SIXTEEN, my fastball was in the mid-eighties and frequently grazed ninety. I used to stand in the backyard and throw pitch after pitch from the mound Dad and I had made, through the tire he had hung from the limb of a tree exactly sixty feet and six inches away, Major League distance. Once, with a bunch of teammates watching and egging me on, I threw a hundred and four in a row, right through the center. All fastballs. My shoulder blew up like a pumpkin and Dad was pissed at me for risking my arm, but the kids talked about it for weeks, and it made me feel so cool.
A BASEBALL weighs about five ounces. The gun in my hand feels like it’s two or three pounds. Fortunately, Danny isn’t sixty and a half feet away. More like eight. The Anaconda clocks him in the forehead and he goes down.
I can hear voices outside yelling. I walk over to Danny. He’s out. I stuff the Anaconda in my jeans and grab his pistol. There’s blood all over his face from the mouth wound and a new cut I’ve opened on his forehead.
Over a black leather jacket, he’s wearing a blue-jean vest covered in patches: Insane Clown Posse, Slipknot, Godflesh, etc. The jacket has fallen open; underneath is a bloodstained concert T-shirt, the same one he had on the other day.
Except it’s not a concert shirt.
I tug his jacket open the rest of the way and expose the big America’s Most Wanted logo. I remember Robert Cramer mentioning my episode of that show in his book, and the expression on Danny’s face when I looked him in the eye after I beat him up, and the way he pointed at me.
Danny knows who I am.
Which means his friends know who I am.
Which means, just as soon as the cops get here, they’ll be telling them that I’m alive and in town.
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