The Adventures of Agent Diamond and Charming Guy: The October Pumpkin Spice Everything Phenomenon
A short story by Elizabeth Bent
Copyright 2013 Elizabeth Bent
Acknowledgements
The characters of Agent Diamond and Charming Guy originated during a fun New Year’s Eve in 2003. The idea for the October Pumpkin Spice Everything Phenomenon was germinated by a celebrity tweet. The tweet led to several tweets of my own featuring egregious examples of the October Pumpkin Spice Everything Phenomenon, which made me contemplate the idea further.
I wrote this story as a gift for my friend Nathan, in honour of one of his rare visits home from Japan, and it is dedicated to him. Of course, I also dedicate everything I write to my Muse—thanks, honey.
The cover for this story was designed by Andrew Bent.
Elizabeth Bent
October 20, 2013
She walked into the coffee shop, a tallish woman in her early forties with a somewhat tired face and a computer bag slung over one shoulder. She pushed her sunglasses off her face into her long brown hair and squinted briefly at the chalked-in menu behind the cash register.
“Latte with soymilk and no whipped cream,” she said to the barista, and moments later the espresso machine made its loud and characteristic steam-related noises.
A tall and slender man with a ready smile, aviator sunglasses and a fedora sauntered into the shop a few moments later. He noticed the woman squinting intently at her phone, and his characteristically brilliant smile spread across his face.
Quietly, he snuck up on the woman and then poked her in the ribs.
“Gotcha!”
She started, nearly dropping her phone, and caught it just in time.
“Holy crap! Charming Guy!”
He laughed, pulling the sunglasses from his face to reveal blue eyes.
“It’s been a long time, Agent Diamond.”
The barista pushed a paper cup topped with foam across the counter. Ignoring the drink, Agent Diamond hugged Charming Guy tightly for a few moments.
“About ten years! What do you want? I’ll get it.”
Charming Guy dimpled at her. “A cup of tea wouldn’t be amiss right now.”
Agent Diamond ordered a pot of tea and paid for their drinks. They moved to a small table in one corner of the shop.
“Where do we begin? It’s been so long!”
She took a sip of her drink.
“It has been a while… do you remember the October Pumpkin Spice Everything Phenomenon?”
He laughed.
“As if I could forget. Professor Tiggleswhammy now works somewhere in the United States, I hear.”
They sat quietly for a few moments.
“Well, at least we delayed the onset of the October Pumpkin Spice Everything Phenomenon in Canada,” Agent Diamond said. “As long as we stay out of US chain stores, Canadians are generally safe from it.”
Charming Guy nodded. “It’s pretty much unheard of in Japan,” he replied.
“It was a fun job, though, don’t you agree?”
They exchanged knowing smiles, and sipped their drinks quietly, lost in thought for a few moments.
“You’d better tell the audience,” Charming Guy muttered after a few moments.
“Sure,” Agent Diamond nodded. “All they have to do is keep reading.”
* * *
It was a dark and stormy afternoon at the CIA branch office located somewhere in southern California. Charming Guy wandered over to the coffee cart with its display of Styrofoam cups and packets of sugar and cream, and lifted the coffee urn. It was devoid of all liquid, and sported a disturbing brown residue on the bottom that suggested it had not been cleaned in some time.
“Better not drink that,” Agent Diamond said, glancing briefly at the coffee urn. Charming Guy put the urn back on the burner, switched the burner off.
“You’d think if they wanted us to fly all the way out here they’d at least meet with us on time,” Charming Guy grumbled. He placed his hands in his pockets and slouched, irritably.
Agent Diamond sighed. “Maybe their fiscal year ends in October and they’re all busy with budget reports?”
The door to the waiting room burst open, and a large suited man with a red face stood in the doorway.
“Thank God you’re here!” he bellowed. “Coffee?”
Charming Guy made a face.
“It’s a bit late in the day for us,” Agent Diamond said as diplomatically as she could. “We’ve been here since noon, and it’s now,” she glanced at her watch, “about four pm.”
“Yes, well, you know how it is,” the florid man said in his loud, echoing voice. “Name’s Wallace, by the way. Jim Wallace. Have you read your briefing reports?”
Charming Guy gave a brilliant smile.
“Only about six times over,” he said, in an innocent tone that belied the sarcasm.
“Good, good,” Jim Wallace said, not really paying attention. He was staring out the plate glass window at the rain outside.
“You know,” he said, ominously, his back to the Canadian secret agents, “it seldom rains in California.”
They waited politely for an explanation. After a few moments, when none seemed forthcoming, Charming Guy caught Agent Diamond’s eye and tapped his forehead, making rolling motions with his large blue eyes. She frowned at him.
“Have you heard,” Jim Wallace bellowed suddenly, turning from the rain outside, “of the October Pumpkin Spice Everything Phenomenon?”
“I believe it is the title of the briefing report,” Charming Guy replied.
“It’s a marketing phenomenon where many products containing pumpkin, or that are decorated with pumpkins, are sold in stores simultaneously,” Agent Diamond said.
“Exactly!” Jim Wallace screamed. He stared intently at them. “And do you know why this is such a threat to the American way of life?”
Agent Diamond and Charming Guy exchanged glances.
“Well, the report mentioned something about the President’s dog being allergic to nutmeg,” Agent Diamond ventured.
“Nutmeg!” screamed Jim Wallace. “It’s in Pumpkin Spice, and it’s also in eggnog! There are product displays around this country that are being converted by the P.S.E.R.—”
Agent Diamond riffled through the list of acronyms on the front page of her briefing report: Pumpkin Spice Everything Ray, she read.
“—to orange nutmeg-scented monstrosities! After Thanksgiving, the nutmeg in the Pumpkin Spice turns the products from pumpkin-themed to winter holiday themed! The product displays mutate! And there is nutmeg everywhere!”
“Why don’t you send in hazmat teams to clear up this nutmeg problem?” Charming Guy asked.
Jim Wallace’s eyes bulged at him. He gurgled.
“Professor Tiggleswhammy is far too clever,” he replied. “He chooses his locations carefully, randomizing everything. The displays look like the usual assortment of products one might expect to find in a particular store, only between October and the end of November, they are all pumpkin-themed.”
“And then at the end of November, they shift into winter-themed,” Agent Diamond said.
“What happens after December?” Charming Guy asked.
Jim Wallace stared at him. “The sugar and cream in the eggnog take over, and Easter candies form next,” he said. “It’s a never-ending cycle!”
“So we were brought here to prevent rampant consumerism from taking over the United States?” Charming Guy asked, quirking one eyebrow.
Jim Wallace shook his massive head.
“No, no,” he said. �
�The Secret Service was worried about the health of the First Dog, since there is a gift shop in the White House and the P.S.E.R—”
“The pisser,” Charming Guy muttered, and Agent Diamond elbowed him.
“—generates products containing massive amounts of nutmeg in October.”
“Yes, well, we can see how it would be demoralizing to the country to have the First Dog suffer,” Agent Diamond replied. “We are very fond of animals and will do everything we can to help.”
“What exactly do you want us to do? The briefing reports did not specify the plan of action,” Charming Guy said, fanning himself with his copy of the report.
“We have intelligence that Professor Tiggleswhammy is going to attack a Trader John’s in North Hollywood tomorrow,” Jim Wallace replied. One eye twitched.
The Canadian secret agents watched his eye tic for a few moments, fascinated.
“Well, all right,” Agent Diamond replied. “So we intercept him and his ray, and take him into custody before he can convert the store to, er, pumpkin-themed nutmeg-scented products that might harm the First Dog?”
“Genius,” Jim Wallace replied. “Wish I had thought of that.”
Charming Guy smiled, showing a lot of teeth.
“We need to be paid in advance,” he said.
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