“How will I know the difference?”
Colby found it difficult to understand how anyone could grow up knowing so little about horses.
“Don’t look at me like I’m an idiot,” Naomi snapped. “We had mules in Spencer’s Crossing for pulling a plow or a wagon. Norman was the only one with enough money to own a riding horse.”
“Once you’ve cantered, you won’t forget. Horses are herd animals so your horse will probably stay close to mine. The main thing I want you to do now is learn to relax in the saddle.”
Naomi eyed his saddle. “It looks a lot easier for you.”
Colby grinned. “Want to change horses?”
Naomi laughed aloud. “If I thought you’d ride up to the train in this saddle, I’d do it.”
“Forget it. I’m not as brave as you.”
Her horse kept alongside Shadow without urging. After a few hundred yards, the tension left her body. It wasn’t long before she broke into a smile. “Why didn’t anybody tell me this was fun? Can we go faster?
Colby was proud of her courage and ability, but he cautioned, “Let’s wait until tomorrow. There’s more to riding a horse than just staying on his back.”
Naomi scowled at him. “You sound like my grandmother. She could take the fun out of anything.”
“It’s best not to try too much the first day.”
Naomi made a face at him but didn’t urge her mount to go faster. However, when they rejoined the wagon train, she didn’t get the reception either of them anticipated. Her father was furious.
“I’ve always known you were strong-minded,” he said to his daughter, “but I never thought you were completely lacking in intelligence. Get down from that horse now,” he ordered. “What possessed you to leave Colby and set off at a mad gallop the first time you were on a horse? If he hadn’t managed to catch up with you, you’d probably be lying somewhere out there with a broken neck.”
“Just a minute, sir.”
“Don’t try to excuse her behavior,” Dr. Kessling said to Colby. “I’ve depended upon her so much since her mother died that I’ve forgotten she’s still a young woman capable of making some ill-considered decisions.”
“She didn’t this time,” Colby interrupted. “Her horse was spooked by wolves. She did a brilliant job of staying in the saddle. I don’t know any woman, and few men, who could have done what she did.”
Her father seemed at a loss for words, but Ben wasn’t similarly affected.
“Wolves!” he exclaimed. “I wish I’d seen them. How many of ’em were there? Did they howl and try to bite your horse? Did they have fangs this long?” The distance he measured with his hands was at least a foot. “Raymond said they drool something awful and have huge, blood-red eyes.”
Colby had no idea who Raymond might be, but he obviously enjoyed entertaining young boys with tall tales. “They’re a lot like large dogs, but they’re very dangerous.”
Ben looked disappointed, but his father was chagrined. “I guess I overreacted, but I nearly had a heart attack when I saw her horse take off like that. I could see her lying dead somewhere out there.”
“I don’t think we’ll have any more trouble with wolves,” Colby said.
“Good, but I don’t think she should ride anymore.”
Her father’s sharp rebuke had shocked Naomi, but now she spoke up. “Colby said women out here have to ride. He says it’s often necessary to their survival. And the survival of their families,” she added.
“There are few roads, and distances frequently make the use of a wagon unlikely,” Colby explained. “Walking isn’t a consideration.”
“Will you teach me to ride?” Ben asked.
“You already know how to ride,” his father said.
“A mule that wouldn’t go faster than a walk,” Ben said scornfully. “I want to gallop like Naomi did.”
“You’ll have to wait a little longer,” Colby said. “We’re approaching the Cimarron River. We’ll stop to eat and fill up the water barrels.”
But when they reached the river, it was dry.
***
“Are we going to have to dig for water every time?” Norman asked Colby.
Colby wondered why the man had the gall to use the term we when he had yet to pick up a shovel. “Much of the river bed is made up of sand or gravel, which allows the water to run below the surface. There’s a bend up ahead that’s usually a torrent of rushing water with green, grassy glades. We shouldn’t have any trouble after that. We’re likely to run into more water than we want in the form of storms.”
“I thought we were done with that.”
“You’re never done with storms on the plains. A northerner can blow through and drop the temperature thirty degrees in less than ten minutes. On occasion, it can turn into a blizzard.”
He could tell from Norman’s expression that he didn’t want to believe him, but Colby didn’t care.
“Have we dug enough?” Reece Hill and his brother had been willing volunteers.
Colby looked at the several pits, some as deep as a man. “That’s more than enough. Get something to eat and rest. We’ll fill the barrels when it’s time to leave.”
***
After the midday meal, Naomi had insisted on riding with him when he went in search of a camping spot for the night. Consider it my second riding lesson she had said. She didn’t need lessons, just a few tips and some experience.
Naomi shielded her eyes and looked up at the cloudless sky. “If every day was like this, I could understand why people might want to live here, but what would they use to build houses? There are no trees.”
The weather had turned cool after a heavy rain the night before. A strong breeze and warm sunshine had dried the grass and turned the colors vibrant.
“Prairie fires kill off most of the trees, but there are enough to build sod houses.”
“You mean people build houses of dirt?”
Colby laughed at Naomi’s look of astonishment. “It’s not as bad as you think. You’ll see large homes built of adobe in Santa Fe.”
“What’s adobe?”
“Dried clay. And don’t make another face. The bricks people use back east are nothing more than baked clay. For that matter, so are the dishes on your table.”
Colby didn’t know when he’d had a more enjoyable afternoon. Naomi was like a child who absorbed everything new with a look of wonder and amazement. Instead of being bored, he found himself looking at his familiar world with the eyes of someone who’d never seen anything like it. It must be as strange for Naomi as it had been for him to find himself fighting a war in Virginia, a state with deep forests and rivers that never ran dry.
Naomi gave him a questioning look. “You have a way of making everything seem ordinary, uninterestingly familiar, even dull. Why?”
“I don’t know what you mean.”
They were walking side by side, leading their horses. Naomi bent down to pluck a small blue flower that was nearly hidden in the tall grass. She brought it to her nose, but apparently it had no fragrance. “You don’t seem to get excited by anything. Or like anything. Or even want anything. It’s like you’re here, but you could be anywhere else just as easily.”
Colby was pleased Naomi seemed to have gotten over her fear that he was a danger to her, but he wasn’t comfortable with this examination of his character, especially when she appeared to find it lacking depth. “Why would you say that?”
“It’s not a criticism.”
It felt like it.
“You treat everybody the same even though Norman is an arrogant bully and Ben bombards you with questions. You’re never angry or upset, tired or frustrated.” She looked up at him. “Even when you caught me out in the storm, you didn’t get upset when I refused to go in or angry when I hit you. You don’t like anything or hate anything.”
> “I like my buffalo steaks cooked properly, and I hate having arrows in my back.”
Naomi laughed. “I don’t mean that.”
Did this woman have any idea how beautiful she was when she looked up at him and laughed? She couldn’t, or she’d know the damage she could do to a man’s self-control. He would have given anything he possessed—well, not Shadow—to make love to her at this very moment. It wouldn’t have been mere sex. Nothing about this woman was ordinary. It would have been an experience to savor, something by which to measure every woman in his future.
“The only time I’ve seen you feel strongly about anything was insisting that I learn to ride,” she said.
Teaching himself to feel nothing was the way he’d survived. Learning to need no one, to depend on no one, had turned the ache of loneliness into an evenness of spirit that enabled him to accept the world as it was without anger or resentment. How did he explain any of this to a woman who’d been loved, valued, and protected her whole life?
“I have feelings like anyone else. I just don’t allow them to control me.”
Yet in the moments when his defenses were down and the pathway to his heart was thrown open, there were two things he wanted. Love and a family. Having accepted that he would never have either, he’d worked to build a wall around those desires, to enclose them so tightly not a single ray of hope could escape.
“Do you think I allow my feelings to control me?” Naomi asked.
“No, but you can’t feel anger, frustration, dislike, or disgust without influencing your ability to make good decisions.”
She stopped and turned to face him. “You said people out here had to be able to sum up a person in a matter of minutes. You’ve known me four days. That ought to be time enough to know everything about me.”
He touched her elbow and started her walking again. “I think you make good decisions despite the fact that you might wish to do otherwise.”
Her peal of laughter surprised him as much as it startled her horse. He was sure that whatever had caused her to laugh wasn’t flattering to him.
“I’ve never heard a more diplomatic answer. You would get along fine with my father. No matter what he says, he does it without offending anyone. As a consequence, he’s the only one everyone trusts.”
“I take it you would prefer I be more straightforward.”
“Of course. I don’t like wishy-washy opinions.”
Colby decided to give her what she wanted and see if she liked it. “I think you’re a beautiful young woman of spirit who will make some fortunate man an uncomfortable wife.”
Naomi hissed with exasperation but didn’t interrupt him.
“You’re kind, so you’ll spare your friends by keeping your most severe criticisms for those you love. Those judgments will show both the depth of your love and the height of your ambitions for them. You expect a great deal of yourself and will demand no less of others. You’ll forgive them if they fail, but you won’t be able to hide your disappointment.”
Naomi looked shocked. “You don’t like me at all, do you?”
“You didn’t ask me whether I liked or disliked you, just what I thought of your character.”
“But you couldn’t possibly like the person you just described.”
“Of course I can. I don’t expect anybody to be perfect.”
“But you are.”
Colby couldn’t have been more surprised if she’d said she was in love with him and wanted to marry him on the spot. His laugh was without humor. “You should have heard what my parents had to say. Besides, you dislike that I don’t display emotion.”
“Okay, that’s a flaw, but only a small one. You’re kind, handsome, strong, smart enough to know everything about traveling in this miserable country, and you’ve managed to make everyone respect you enough to do what you ask without arguing. Even Norman, and he doesn’t respect anyone but himself.”
“You think I’m handsome?” Maybe it was vanity that made him latch on to that first, but he’d spent too many years being told he was an ugly little savage. His parents had wanted an obedient, unquestioning son with untanned skin and perfectly combed hair who kept his clothes neat and clean. Their disappointment became a daily litany.
Naomi cast him a scornful glance. “You know you’re handsome. Why do you think Cassie has been fawning over you?”
“Because she’s alone, scared, and I’m the oldest unmarried man here. She’d cling to me if I looked like a lobo wolf.”
“I don’t know what lobo wolves look like, but if they looked like you, people would probably sacrifice half their livestock just to have them hang around.”
“You really think I’m handsome?” Colby was alarmed that Naomi’s thinking he was handsome could have such a powerful effect on him. He’d never worried about what anyone else thought of his looks, not even Elizabeth.
“Yes, I do. So do Sibyl and Laurie. We’ve talked about it.” She favored him with a sly smile. “You didn’t expect women to ignore the presence of a handsome man, did you?”
“Just a few days ago you made it clear on more than one occasion that you didn’t trust me and wanted me to leave as soon as possible.”
She looked away. “I never felt that way about you, just about what I thought you represented. Since I don’t think you represent that any more, I feel differently.”
“How do you feel about me?” He had always made it a point never to ask questions like that, it only led to hurt and disappointment, but she had thrown him off guard.
She still refused to meet his gaze. “I’m not sure yet.”
“Not fair. I gave you a direct answer so it’s only fair that you give me one.”
She looked up, met his gaze fair and square. “I really don’t know beyond what I’ve already told you. You appear to be an unusual man, one I admire and would like to know better.”
Colby felt a sudden tightening in his chest, the feeling of being pressed too close, of having no room to move. He didn’t want anyone admiring him or wanting to know him better. That inevitably led to them wanting something from him, to expecting certain kinds of behavior in return for their good opinion.
Yet he’d opened himself to this invasion by asking her opinion of him. Having done that, did he have the right to cut her off without an explanation? What explanation could he give? That he was a loner, that he didn’t trust people, especially women, that he didn’t want to be close to anyone? He could say all of those things, but were they true? If so, why had he insisted that Naomi let him teach her how to ride? Why had he gone to such lengths to understand her objections to him? Why was he even interested in her opinion of him?
He couldn’t be sure of the answer just yet, but one of the possibilities scared him right down to his toes.
“You wouldn’t find anything very interesting about me. I’m no different from hundreds of other men who’ve grown up out here.”
Naomi studied him for a moment. “I don’t know anything about where you grew up or the people around you, but you’re different, and I’m going to find out why.”
As the wagon train came into view, Colby could feel the fetters tighten around him. In a short while, he would be consumed by his duties and Naomi would be involved with her family. Later they would all go to sleep and leave him to make sure the camp was secure. Then, in the silence and the stillness, he’d try to figure out why he’d let himself become infatuated with Naomi when he didn’t want anything to do with women.
***
The rest of the day had passed without anything more threatening than Paul Hill’s wife saying she was worried the bumping and bouncing of their wagon was going to cause her to have her baby early. Her sister-in-law had stayed with her until it was time for everyone to go to bed. Dr. Kessling would sleep next to their wagon in case he was needed.
The women and children were asleep. A gu
ard was responsible for watching the livestock that had been put out to graze. No wagons needed repair and they had enough water for two days. There’d be no shortage of fresh meat because Frank Oliver had worked off some of his anger and bitterness by killing two antelope. The night was clear with enough breeze to keep the mosquitoes away. Colby had to make one more circuit of the wagons. Once that was done, there was nothing left for him to do but seek his own rest.
Yet he was too restless to sleep.
He’d always preferred night to day, dark to light. In the daylight he was forced to share himself with the world. In the quiet that filled the night, he was able to reclaim himself for himself. His parents had said that was selfish, that it showed he was unworthy of the love they longed to share with him. It had been the only way he could survive their idea of love, the only way he endured Elizabeth’s treachery, the only way he survived the horrors of war and knowing he had brothers he would never see.
Yet tonight he was unable to achieve that inner peace, to find the place inside where all parts of him came together.
“You still up?” Dr. Kessling asked as Colby approached Paul Hill’s wagon.
“Just checking one last time.”
How could he sleep when his mind was filled with unanswered questions? No matter how alluring and interesting, no matter how strong the physical attraction he felt for Naomi, he had no interest in a relationship. He wanted to visit his parents’ graves, get this wagon train to La Junta, and then head off into the wilderness where he could gather the familiar loneliness around him. Loneliness was a remorseless companion, but it shielded him from the folly of hope, the pain of broken dreams.
His steps slowed as he approached the Kessling wagon. Ethan was standing the first watch, Ben was sound asleep under the wagon, and Naomi slept inside. He didn’t understand how, after having known them only a few days, this family could have started to feel like a part of his life. They were essentially strangers. He liked them, but that didn’t mean—
A moan from inside the Kessling wagon claimed his attention. He stopped and listened, but he heard nothing more. He was about to move on when it came again, only louder and more pain-filled. The moans changed to words so muffled he couldn’t understand them. Naomi was becoming more agitated. He was about to turn back for Dr. Kessling when she screamed—
To Have and to Hold (Cactus Creek Cowboys) Page 9