To Have and to Hold (Cactus Creek Cowboys)

by Greenwood, Leigh

  She felt silly hugging a tree as though it was her best friend, but under the circumstances it was. Colby hadn’t gone far before he turned back.

  “I was able to get a footing,” he told her. “Take my hand.”

  Colby pulled her through the trees and the swirling current until she felt her feet touch ground. It was soft mud, but she didn’t care. She had made it across. She was safe.

  They had been washed more than a quarter of a mile down the river before they had been able to climb out. The cold rain and her wet clothes drained her body of warmth. Yet it was easy to forget her misery because Colby wore nothing but his wet long underwear that clung to him like a second skin. Naomi had been around her father and brothers too long to be unfamiliar with the male anatomy, but it took on a different significance when it came to Colby.

  She couldn’t remember paying attention to a man’s backside or legs. That changed when she followed Colby out of the river. His underwear clung to his butt and thighs. She could see the muscles move as his butt cheeks and thighs swelled and contracted as he waded ashore. It was like an erotic dance. It appalled her that she could be so fascinated by his body, but she couldn’t take her eyes off him. It was all she could do not to reach out and touch him. She was climbing out of a flooded river, for goodness sakes. How could she be so fascinated by a man’s backside? She ought to be shouting hallelujahs for her deliverance. Instead, she was lusting after a man who’d endangered his own life to save her.

  Maybe lust, love, and thankfulness were all part of the same package. It certainly was for her when it came to Colby.

  ***

  It took several hours to complete the crossing, but by midafternoon all the wagons were scattered along the riverbank. Everything from clothes to bedding would need to be laid out to dry when the weather cleared. Minor repairs were underway while the livestock grazed on fresh grass. There was an extra bustle in activity from knowing that the last river had been crossed with no loss of lives and only minor damage to property.

  “I don’t know why we couldn’t have waited until the river went down,” Norman complained to anyone who would listen. “We were lucky nobody drowned.”

  “That’s because we had Colby,” her father said. “Without him, we wouldn’t have gotten this far.”

  “I still say—”

  “You’ve complained enough, Norman. Everybody’s tired of hearing you. For the first time in your life, you don’t know any more than the rest of us. In fact,” the doctor continued relentlessly, “if you don’t start paying attention instead of thinking you already know the answers, even the children will know more than you.”

  Naomi was shocked to hear her father speak to Norman like that. It didn’t matter that he had only put into words what everyone was feeling. He was never rude to anyone.

  “Why don’t you help Sibyl with the wagons?” Vernon Edwards said to his son-in-law. “Getting everything reorganized in three wagons is too much for one person.”

  Norman looked like he wanted to argue, but Naomi’s father made a shooing gesture. Rather than infuriate Norman as she had expected, he stiffened then turned and walked off.

  “I wouldn’t be surprised if you wind up in Hell for forcing your daughter to marry that man,” her father said to Vernon. “I’d rather Naomi die an old maid than marry a man like Norman.”

  “Who my daughter marries is none of your business.”

  Naomi thought Vernon looked uncomfortably guilty before he turned and left.

  Still, it could be exhaustion. The crossing had been long and difficult. The animals had been forced to swim across in a group, but they had brought the wagons over one at a time. The swift current had nearly capsized two of them, but the rocky bottom at the ford made getting out of the river easier.

  “I’d better thank Colby for pulling you out of the river,” her father said to her.

  “You’ve thanked him every time he’s come within shouting distance. I think he knows how you feel.”

  “He can’t,” her father said. “I didn’t know how I felt until I saw you go under. I think I aged a hundred years before you grabbed Shadow’s tail.”

  Shadow had come back, but her father’s horse was still missing. Colby had apologized for abandoning the animal, but her father had said his daughter’s life was worth more than a thousand horses. Morley Sumner had cut the tree loose from the ropes, and everybody had crossed without having to dodge any more debris.

  “Colby says we don’t have any more big rivers to cross,” she told her father.

  “Roy Greene told us the Rio Grande is on the other side of Santa Fe. We won’t have Colby when we have to cross that.”

  Naomi didn’t want to be reminded that the time was fast approaching when Colby would leave them. She’d overheard him telling Norman that it was about three day’s travel to where the desert trail crossed the Mora River and hooked up with the route from Bent’s Fort. Since there was only one trail from there to Santa Fe, Colby said they’d have no trouble traveling the last ninety miles on their own.

  “Have you had any luck convincing him to stay?”

  Naomi resented being made to feel it was her fault that Colby was leaving. He’d always been clear that he would leave them at La Junta. His partiality for her company probably led everyone to expect he would change his mind, but he hadn’t.

  “Colby rarely changes his mind.” She looked down at her feet.

  “Anybody can see you’d make him a perfect wife.”

  “He’s running from something that had a powerful effect on him. Until he comes to terms with that, he’s not going to be happy or able to make anyone else happy.”

  Her father gave her a comforting hug. “And I thought the man was intelligent. I’m sorry, sweetheart. I know how you feel about him.”

  She loved him and was certain he loved her in return. She didn’t understand why he couldn’t see that. She didn’t know what Elizabeth was like, but just because one woman had betrayed him didn’t mean she would, too. But he wasn’t going to give her a chance to prove she was different. He’d closed his mind to all other possibilities. She had the horrible feeling she’d done the same in that she could never love another man as she loved him. She would be doomed to live her life alone.

  The restraints that had been holding back the dammed up emotions inside her burst. She flung her arms around her father’s neck and burst into tears.

  ***

  The camp was filled with excitement. After crossing the Mora River—a fast-moving, muddy little stream—they had met up with a group of traders who had agreed to escort them the rest of the way to Santa Fe. For the first time since crossing the Arkansas River, they were no longer alone. Paul Hill put everyone’s feelings into words.

  “I thought living in a small village like Spencer’s Clearing was lonely,” he’d said. “I didn’t know what loneliness was until we crossed the Arkansas River. For a while I was convinced we were the only people in the world.”

  Naomi didn’t need anybody to explain why, instead of feeling relieved to be joining a large train, she was feeling lonelier than ever. Colby was taking leave of everyone in their little group. He was saving his good-byes to her for last.

  “I wish Colby wouldn’t leave,” Cassie said to Naomi. “I feel safer with him around. I’m sure these people are nice, but we don’t know them.”

  Naomi had joined Cassie in her wagon because she couldn’t bear to be alone at this moment. It was almost impossible not to see or hear Colby saying good-bye to someone. It was like having the fact of his leaving pounded into her head time after time. She had prepared herself for one leave-taking. She couldn’t endure a dozen.

  “I’m sure we’ll be safe. Colby said he has worked with some of the men in the group.”

  Cassie cuddled her baby. It was hard to believe how much Little Abe had grown since leaving Independence, Missour
i, nearly two months ago. Naomi hoped Cassie would find a good father for him. He was such a sweet, cheerful baby; every woman in the train had done her best to spoil him.

  “I thought he was going to marry you,” Cassie said. “Didn’t you?”

  Not for the first time had Naomi wished that people in a small community didn’t know everything about everybody else. She also wished Cassie could learn a little subtlety.

  “I guess it’s no secret that I’m fond of Colby,” Naomi confessed. “Unfortunately, he’s not equally fond of me.”

  “Anybody can see he’s in love with you,” Cassie insisted. “What did you do to him to make him leave?”

  She supposed it was only natural that everyone would believe she’d been the one at fault. After all, if she’d given him what he wanted, he would have stayed. She had. He just hadn’t recognized it.

  “He said from the beginning that he would leave when we reached La Junta.”

  “But that was before he started liking you.”

  “Like is not love. If you’re going to hold me responsible for his not falling in love with me, I guess that’s what I did wrong.”

  The baby stirred. “He’s hungry, the greedy little fella,” Cassie said fondly. “If Ethan hadn’t made me eat, I wouldn’t have had enough milk for him.”

  Being made responsible for Cassie had had a maturing effect on Ethan. He’d need it wherever they ended up. She couldn’t help wondering where Colby would end up. According to him, there were thousands of empty places in the West. He just had to pick one.

  Ethan appeared at the end of the wagon. “Colby has come to say good-bye to us.”

  Cassie handed her baby to Naomi then climbed out of the wagon. “I wish you’d stay,” she told Colby. “I feel safe with you.”

  “You’ve got Ethan to look after you, and everybody else in the train to make sure you have everything you need. You’ll be perfectly safe with the new folks.”

  “It won’t be the same,” she pouted.

  “We’d never have survived without your help,” Ethan said, shaking Colby’s hand.

  “You can’t be sure of that,” Colby said. “There are a lot of good men in this group. Now I want to say good-bye to Naomi. The traders are getting ready to leave, so I don’t have much time.”

  “We can say good-bye here.” Naomi knew it was cowardly, but she wasn’t sure she could keep her composure otherwise.

  “Don’t be silly,” Ethan said. “Give Cassie the baby. He’s hungry and needs to be fed. Besides, I’m sure Colby doesn’t want us hearing what he has to say to you.”

  She didn’t want to hear it, but it looked like what she wanted didn’t matter. She waited until Cassie was back in the wagon before she reluctantly handed over the baby. Then she allowed Colby to help her down from the wagon. Without a word, he led her toward a maple tree where Shadow waited saddled and ready. Unable to wait any longer for him to speak—fearful of what he might say when he did—Naomi decided to go first. Though when she tried to speak, her throat choked off the words.

  “I’m sorry I have to leave.”

  “Then why don’t you stay?” The words exploded from her before she could stop them. Before she could mortify herself further by begging him to stay, pride came to her rescue. “You don’t have to answer that.” She was relieved her voice sounded steadier than she felt. “You’ve told me over and over.”

  Colby put his hand under her chin and raised her head until she was looking into his eyes.

  “You have so much to give. Warmth, kindness, caring, even love. You deserve that and more in return. I know you think I can give it to you, but I can’t.”

  She was tempted to argue, but she knew nothing she could say would make him stay. Silence would allow her to keep what was left of her pride.

  “You’re a very special person.”

  But not special enough for him to love, not special enough for him to give up spending the rest of his life as some kind of hermit.

  “You’ll thrive out here. You’ve got the courage and the intelligence to meet all kinds of challenges.”

  She’d failed in the challenge of getting him to admit he loved her. Not a very auspicious beginning.

  “I’ve given your father the names of a few men to look up when you get to Santa Fe. You can trust any one of them to help you find a place for your town and make sure you get there.”

  That was more than she could endure in silence. “Why do you care where we go or what happens to us? You’ll be hundreds of miles away. You’ll never see us again.”

  “During these past weeks, I’ve gotten to know and like nearly everyone in the train. Why wouldn’t I care what happened to them?” He paused before adding, “You know I care what happens to you.”

  She was not going to cry. This leaving-taking couldn’t last much longer. The traders had already hitched up their teams. The call to start would come at any moment.

  “I’m sorry you’re leaving, too.” It was difficult, but she forced herself to look him in the eye. “You’re mistaken about love and your inability to give it. You’re crazy to plant yourself in some godforsaken corner of this wilderness and waste your life. Most important of all, you’re a coward not to face whatever it is that has driven you to isolate yourself. You’re a wonderful man who could make some woman a marvelous husband and some children an incredible father. No matter what happened to you in the past, it’s stupid to waste all of that. Now I’ve said too much, and the traders are ready to leave. I wish you the best on your journey, and hope you find what you’re looking for. Good-bye.”

  She stood on her tiptoes to give him a kiss on the cheek. Without waiting for him to speak or return her kiss, she turned and walked away praying he wouldn’t say anything more.

  He didn’t, and that broke her heart.

  ***

  It had been two days since Colby left the train, and Naomi hadn’t been able to think of anything else. Where was he? What was he doing? Why had he left? Would he have stayed if she’d tried harder? She was so desperate to get her mind off Colby she’d begged Noah to let Laurie travel with her. He hadn’t wanted to, but Norman had said Naomi needed some diversion so she’d stop moping over a man who didn’t want her. Not content with insulting Naomi, he added that they were well rid of a man who was too much like an Indian. Naomi was sorry Frank Oliver had failed in his attempt to murder Norman. She considered shooting him herself, but decided against it only because of the distress it would cause her family.

  “Ignore him,” Laurie had said.

  “I’ve been ignoring him for years, but it hasn’t gotten any easier.”

  It had taken two days, but Laurie had relaxed enough that they could talk like they had before her marriage. Naomi had forgotten how much she missed those talks. And it did help to take her mind off Colby.

  “Have you noticed that man who keeps looking at you?” Naomi asked Laurie. They had finished their midday and were back on the trail.

  “No one’s been looking at me,” Laurie insisted.

  They were riding in the wagon, Naomi driving and Laurie sitting next to her

  “I’ve seen him,” Naomi insisted. “He looks at you like he’d like to swallow you whole.”

  Laurie colored. “You’re being ridiculous.”

  “No, I’m not. His name’s Jared Smith. He was in the army.”

  “How do you know?”

  “I asked. You can’t think I could fail to find out anything I could about such a handsome man, especially when he was staring at my cousin?”

  “If you think he’s so handsome, why don’t you go after him?” Laurie was immediately penitent. “Sorry. I know you can’t think of anybody but Colby.”

  “Well, Colby’s gone so we might as well concentrate on Mr. Smith. I might consider giving him a smile or two, but he’s clearly not interested in anyone but you.”
>
  “I hope that’s not true. Do you think Noah would let me stay here another minute if he thought another man was looking at me?” Laurie looked as though it was all she could do to keep from crying. “I really want to stay with you all the way to Santa Fe. It’s practically the first time in a year I’ve been able to take a deep breath.”

  Naomi was sorry she’d teased Laurie about Mr. Smith. She adored her cousin and knew how miserable she had been since her marriage. She did everything she could—including wearing tent-like dresses—to insure Noah didn’t believe other men were looking at her, or that she was trying to attract attention.

  “Do you want me to say something to him? He really has been quite obvious.”

  “No. I don’t believe he’s been staring at me. But if he has, asking him to stop would only make it worse. We’ll be in Santa Fe in about three days. I’m sure we’ll never see him again after that. I can’t imagine that he’ll be going to some remote corner of the Arizona Territory.” Laurie sighed. “I wish Colby were still here. I’m sure your father and the rest of the committee will do their best to find us a good guide, but doubt he’ll be half as good as Colby.”

  Everyone in the train had told her how much they missed Colby and how difficult it was going to be to find anyone they trusted as much. Naomi appreciated how they felt, but she wished they’d express their discontent to someone else. Anyone else. Their unhappiness was nothing when compared to hers. It was hard on her when they insisted on reminding her of his good qualities and the thoughtful things he’d done. She knew better than anyone the extent of the loss they’d suffered.

  But Colby was gone, and it was time everyone accepted that.

  Even if she couldn’t.

  ***

  “This is the weirdest town I’ve ever seen,” Ben said. “All the houses look like they’re made of mud.”

  “It’s called adobe,” their father said.

  “It looks like mud to me.”

  Naomi agreed, but she had little thought to spare for the city. It had been three full days since Colby had left. Three days during which—rather than think of him—she’d tried to fill her mind with thoughts of reaching a town, even a small one, that had streets, businesses, churches, homes, and people. She had envisioned a place not very different from Spencer’s Clearing. Santa Fe wasn’t like that.