To Have and to Hold (Cactus Creek Cowboys)

by Greenwood, Leigh

  “I can’t think of a better reason. Now stop worrying about the future and concentrate on the present.”

  That was an invitation that had profound implications.

  Naomi didn’t trust herself to speak. His declaration was all she had hoped for and more.

  “I’ll follow you wherever you go,” he said to fill the silence. “I’ll make a nuisance of myself by asking you to marry me at least once every hour. I’ll waste away so badly your father will have to take me on as a permanent patient.”

  “Stop!” Naomi couldn’t repress a chuckle. “I’m not marrying anybody just so they won’t starve themselves to death.”

  “I can think of lots of other things to do.”

  “I’m sure you can, but they won’t convince me to marry you, either.”

  “What will? Tell me, and I’ll do it.”

  She leaned forward and kissed him.

  Colby embraced her. Their kiss was long and heated. Having finally removed the barriers to admitting their love, they couldn’t get enough of each other. Being seated made it awkward so Colby stood and pulled her into an embrace. If his kisses had seemed intense before, they were overwhelming now. She couldn’t imagine how a man full of such passion could have thought he could hide. One day all of this warmth, this unused heat, would have burst into flame and destroyed him.

  She was more than willing to share his heat. She loved her family, but she’d always felt a little lonely, different, out of step. No man had appealed to her. Certainly none had awakened the fire that Colby stoked with so little effort. The intensity of what she felt for him scared her, but she was eager to embrace it. Her future was full of unknown challenges and nameless dangers, but she wouldn’t hesitate to face it as long as Colby was by her side. She found it almost miraculous that such a man could have fallen in love with her.

  She felt naked in his embrace, the thinness of her nightgown hardly a barrier against the hardened muscles of his body. It was merely a tissue separating her warming skin from his rough hands as they wandered over her back. It was easy to imagine it didn’t exist, that he was caressing her flesh. The feel of his hands on her body was as unsettling as it was impossible to resist. Never before had she wanted to share herself with a man. She’d always insisted on keeping a distance between them.

  Now that had changed.

  It was almost impossible to feel too close to Colby. She had tried so hard to convince herself this would never happen that she was finding it hard to believe. A sliver of fear that all this might still be snatched from her caused her to hold him tighter. Being in his arms was more wonderful than she had ever imagined. She wanted to sink deeper and deeper into his embrace until they had become inseparable. She held him tighter, kissed him harder, but more wasn’t enough. They were still separated. She wouldn’t be content until each had been absorbed by the other, until they became one in spirit if not in body.

  The hardness pressing against her thigh left no doubt about the effect of their closeness on Colby. When his hands moved from her back to cup her breasts, she had no question about the effect on her. She wanted him as badly as he wanted her.

  With a moan muffled by their kiss, she pressed against him. She suffered a shock when his hands left her breasts, but it lasted only until she realized he was loosening the tie that secured her nightgown. When he pulled the gown off her shoulders and let it slide down her body and pool around her feet, she shivered from the chill of excitement, of anticipation. Colby lifted her in his arms and lay her on the bed. She held out her hand beckoning him to join her.

  “In a moment.”

  Watching him undress was an erotic experience. She had already seen him in his underwear, the wet cotton clinging to his body, but this was different. She could watch the play of muscles along his shoulders, over his back, through his thighs with the certainty that she would soon feel these muscles against her skin, under her fingertips. The heat coursing through her body increased so rapidly she squirmed in anticipation. He unbuttoned the top of his long underwear to reveal a scattering of dark brown hair. She barely had time to take that in before he lowered his clothes below his thighs and his erection sprang free.

  She snapped her eyes shut. The thought of having to accommodate him inside her body threatened to turn her chills of anticipation to shivers of apprehension.

  She opened her eyes when the bed sank under his weight. He lay down next to her and pulled her to him. “You know I’d never hurt you, don’t you?”

  “Yes.” Her voice was only a thread.

  “If I do anything that hurts or upsets you, promise you’ll let me know, and I’ll stop.”

  She nodded.

  Rolling up on his elbow, he took her in his arms and kissed her. Welcoming his embrace, she threw her arms around him. A network of fine welts across his back reminded her of what she’d seen the day her father treated his injury. She broke the kiss. “Where did these welts come from?”

  “It’s not important.”

  He tried to kiss her again, but she pushed him away. “It is important. I have to know.”

  He sighed. “My father thought he could make me into the son he wanted by beating what he disliked out of me. Now let’s not think about it anymore.”

  How could she not think about it? Her brothers had been punished, but never in a way that would cause scars. What kind of man had his father been? She had to know what he had done to warrant such brutal punishment.

  But Colby sabotaged her by turning his attention to her breasts. When he teased her nipple with his thumb, it made it hard to remember what she wanted to ask him. When he took her nipple into his mouth and nipped it with his teeth, she forgot his father, the scars, everything. Nothing mattered except what he was doing to her body. She found it hard to believe any part of her body could so completely dominate the rest of her.

  Squeezing gently, he alternately laved her nipples with his tongue and nipped them with his teeth until she writhed under him, moaning in appreciation of exquisite sensations she hadn’t thought possible. When his mouth forsook her breasts, wove its way down her belly until it reached her navel, she was positive she’d reached the height of decadence. Surely God would never approve of anything so deliciously marvelous. No sooner had that thought crossed her mind than she decided she was mistaken. No one else could have made such a wonder possible.

  It was so wonderful she didn’t realize Colby’s hand had moved down her side and along her thigh until it slipped between her legs. She tensed. She didn’t mean to, but she couldn’t help it.

  “I won’t hurt you,” Colby said.

  “I know.” She concentrated on making herself relax, but it wasn’t easy. Colby resumed his attention to her breast, but his hand remained between her legs, touching, caressing, probing. She felt hot and moist. Even though her father had explained how a man and woman made love, it was an unfamiliar sensation, one he’d failed to mention.

  “Open for me. Your knees are pressed together.”

  She hadn’t realized her body was so rigid. Yet when she did manage to relax, the shock of Colby’s hand moving inside her nearly caused her to tense again. She knew this was supposed to happen, but talking about it and having it happen weren’t at all the same. Sensations that had only moments before centered on her breasts, now clustered around Colby’s probing fingers sending shock waves of pleasure rocketing through her from one end to the other.

  Papa hadn’t mentioned that, either.

  It seemed incredible that anything could feel so powerfully wonderful. Waves of pleasure washed over her. She felt encased in a cocoon of sensations, each more powerful, more encompassing than the last.

  Then Colby touched something inside her that lit up her entire being like a flash of lightning. It was impossible for anything to be that overwhelming, but the waves kept coming until they seemed to rush from her like a stream bursting from its banks
. Before she could recover enough to utter a sound, Colby had entered her.

  She didn’t marvel at how easy or painless it felt, but how natural. She didn’t know why she’d been so apprehensive.

  She didn’t have much time to think about that because the sensations that radiated to every part of her body had taken over all conscious thought. Everything was the same as before but only more so. She had always thought Colby was a marvelous man, but she’d had no notion he could give her such incredible pleasure. And it was all the sweeter because it was Colby who held her, who loved her, who was bringing her to a sexual peak that was as unlooked-for as it was gladly received. She was barely aware that she had begun to move with Colby, rising to meet him, falling away, then rising again. But as the fetters of rapture encircled her more tightly, she wrapped her legs around Colby trying to draw him deeper and deeper into her.

  Without any warning, her body went rigid and she felt she was about to explode. Then the dam broke and the tension flowed from her like water in a turbulent stream.

  ***

  Naomi woke with a feeling of well-being that was so convincing she was certain there were no difficulties ahead she and Colby couldn’t conquer together. She couldn’t tell what time it was, but if the night sky was anything to go by, dawn was still several hours away. She could hardly wait for the chance to see Colby in the daylight, to tell her father that Colby did love her and they were going to be married. He knew the perfect place for their new town and he would take them there. He was a perfect man, and she a fortunate woman to have found him. She intended to make sure he felt so well loved he would forget about his parents and Elizabeth. He would have the family he’d been denied, a community that admired and respected him. He would have the home he’d always wanted.

  Unable to wait for him to wake up, she tapped him on the shoulder. He opened his eyes immediately. When he turned to face her, he smiled.

  “Morning, beautiful.”

  “Let’s start by promising never to lie to each other. I can’t possibly look beautiful with my hair a mess and my face unwashed.”

  “You’re beautiful to me.”

  She couldn’t argue with that because, even rumpled by sleep, he was breathtaking to her. “I’m going to skip over the fact that it’s dark and you can barely see me, because I like the idea that you find me beautiful. I’ve never felt that way before.”

  Colby rolled up on his elbow and kissed her. “I’m going to do my best to make sure you feel beautiful for the rest of your life.”

  “And I’ll make sure you know you’re the most wonderful man in the world. I want to give you lots of sons who will grow up to look just like you.”

  Even in the dark, it was evident that something she said had caused Colby to undergo a change. He stilled, his body stiffened.

  ‘What’s wrong? You do want children, don’t you?”

  “Very much.”

  “Then why did you act like that?”

  “I already have a child.”

  Twenty

  It took several moments for Naomi to process what Colby had just said. She repeated the words in her mind, but the meaning always came out the same way.

  Colby had a child. He was already a father.

  She didn’t know why it should be such a shock. He was twenty-seven. Cassie was twelve years younger and she was a mother. But it was a shock. That changed everything.

  She sat up and turned away from him toward the open window. The streets were silent. A cool breeze stirred the curtains. The deep velvety blue of the cloudless sky was pricked by a dozen points of light. It should have been a comforting sight, but it made her feel cold and very much alone.

  “Who is its mother?” She didn’t want to know, but she had to know.

  “Elizabeth.”

  Her worst fear was realized. Elizabeth hadn’t been consigned to his past. She was very much a part of his present and his future. Naomi knew enough of Colby to know he could never ignore the existence of his child or its mother. She didn’t doubt that he loved her, but he hadn’t come to her with his whole heart. A good portion of it was allocated elsewhere.

  It was hard to tell what she was feeling. She felt numb. It was like floating among the clouds then plummeting to earth with such force you couldn’t move, couldn’t think. All you could do was feel the pain.

  “Is it a boy or a girl? What’s its name?”

  “I don’t know.”

  “You don’t know the name of your own child?”

  “I don’t know if it’s a boy or a girl. I’ve never seen it. I don’t even know when it was born.”

  She turned to face him. He was sitting up now, leaning against the pillow. “Light the lantern. I’d rather not have to tell you about this in the dark.”

  She would rather have kept the mantle of night wrapped around her. It would have been easier to endure the collapse of her dreams without Colby being able to read it in her face, but she lit the lamp. Since she couldn’t avoid this truth, it was better to face it and start figuring out how to live with it.

  She lit the lamp, then turned to Colby.

  “I was twenty when I met Elizabeth. She was seventeen. I was poor and without any family. She was beautiful and her father was rich. I couldn’t believe anyone like her could fall in love with someone like me, but she did. I didn’t get to see her often because I was traveling between Missouri and Santa Fe, but when we were together, it was like the first time all over again. I know now that being apart so much and knowing her father wouldn’t approve were part of what made it exciting, but I was too young to see that then. I only saw that for the first time in my life someone loved me. We planned to wait to marry until I had saved enough money.”

  Naomi couldn’t understand how Colby must have felt because she’d always had a family who loved her, a community where she belonged. She could only try to imagine how desperately he wanted to be loved.

  “I scrimped on food, clothes, every way I could until I saved what I thought was enough for us to get married. I sent her a message as soon as I got back to Santa Fe. I knew something had changed when she invited me to meet her at her house. I didn’t need to see her flanked by her parents and the son of another wealthy family to know what she was going to say.”

  The pain was still in his voice.

  “She told me that with time and maturity she’d realized she’d mistaken infatuation for love. While I’d been away, she’d fallen in love with the young man standing next to her. They married a month earlier.”

  Naomi couldn’t begin to imagine how cruelly that must have hurt.

  “I didn’t know what had caused Elizabeth to change her mind, but I knew she wouldn’t have if she hadn’t been forced. I suppose I went crazy. I don’t remember much of what happened, but when I woke up in jail, they told me I’d attacked Elizabeth’s father.”

  Naomi reached out to rest her hand on Colby’s arm. “Did you ever find out why she changed her mind?”

  “Not right away. After the last time I tried to see her, they escorted me out of town and told me not to come back. I might not have gone back—Elizabeth was married. There was nothing I could do to change that—but I overheard two traders talking about her husband saying he would be a father soon. They were snickering over the fact that it would be a seven-month baby. I didn’t need anybody to tell me it was my baby, and that her father had forced her to marry when he found out she was pregnant.”

  “Did you talk to her? Did you find out for sure?”

  “I tried, but her father had talked the governor into keeping a guard around her house. That’s when I set fire to his house. I was arrested and beaten. When I got well, I was escorted out of town and told I’d be shot if I came back.”

  So he didn’t know that a child had actually been born, but it was an open question that had to be answered for his sake if not for hers. He wouldn’t bel
ong to her completely until he faced that part of his life. Once he did, he might not feel about her as he did now. Forcing him to find answers might cost her his love, but she couldn’t marry him knowing there was a part of him that could never be hers.

  “How did you get here tonight?”

  “It’s been almost five years. They’re not looking for me now. I took advantage of the dark.”

  “You have to see Elizabeth and find out about your child.”

  “It’s not my child. It’s his.”

  “It’s his legally, but it’s yours in your mind. Elizabeth, the woman you loved so deeply, is its mother. Are you sure you’re not still in love with her?”

  Colby jerked away from her. “How could you think I could still love a woman who betrayed me like that?”

  “Love isn’t an emotion that can be controlled. You didn’t want to fall in love with me. I tried not to fall in love with you, but both of us failed. You can’t think that after all your talk about wanting a family, that I’d believe you’d forget you had a child.”

  “It’s not my child!”

  “You’re its father. Nobody can change that.”

  “No, but I can forget it. I haven’t told anybody but you.”

  “Why did you tell me?”

  “Because I don’t want any secrets between us.”

  “It’s because you know you’ll never be able to forget about that child.”

  “Maybe, but that doesn’t change anything.”

  “It’s unfinished and will stand between us for the rest of our lives.”

  “Not mine.”

  “It will for me. I’ll always wonder what if you’d seen Elizabeth again, what if you’d seen your child, what if her love for you had never changed?”

  Colby reached for her. “None of that would make any difference. I’m in love with you. I want to marry you. I want us to have a family.”

  Naomi tried to believe him, but she couldn’t say none of it mattered. It did. Even if Colby no longer had any feelings for Elizabeth, he would grieve for the child he’d never known. That would affect her and any children they might have. That was something she couldn’t endure.