by Sophie King
‘Oh come on. Get real, darling. It happens all the time.’
‘Yes it does.’ Lizzie’s eyes were fixed on the woman’s. ‘It’s just happened to me, as a matter of fact, which is why I joined this group. I suppose Bruce told you his marriage had been over for years.’
Caroline nodded. ‘They all do that. But they don’t mean it, of course. They just need a bit on the side to help them through. No strings. And that suited me down to the ground.’
This was incredible! ‘But didn’t you stop to wonder abut the wife? How hurt she would be?’
‘No, Karen, I didn’t. If a wife can’t keep her husband, that’s her fault.’
‘CAROLINE!’
That was Alison.
‘Sorry, sis. But it’s true. Even David had a point, you know. He’d worked himself to the bone over the years. I may not have liked your husband much but I can see why he needed to go off and find himself, as he put it.’
Ed stood up. ‘I’ve heard enough. I might have made a hash of my romantic life but the one thing I have never done is been unfaithful. I’m sorry Caroline, but you’re not welcome here any more.’
‘What? But you can’t turn me out. Not at this time of night?’
‘As you say, there’s a perfectly good hotel down the road.’
‘But . . .’
Karen bit her lip. ‘Maybe if Caroline stayed and listened to our stories and what we’ve learned from each other, it might help.’
‘I don’t need help!’
‘Shut up.’
They all looked at her. ‘That’s right. I said shut up. We’re going to talk from now on and you’re going to listen. You’ve heard a bit of Lizzie’s story; now you’re going to hear mine.’ Karen took a deep breath. ‘I left my husband because he made me have an abortion. I’ve blamed myself for that ever since, and I too had several boyfriends although never married ones. Now my ex has turned up, wanting to start again. But I’ve met someone else and now I have to decide what to do.’
All eyes were on her.
‘And what will you do?’ Lizzie’s voice was quiet.
‘I don’t know, love. I’ve told myself I’ll decide after this weekend. Now your turn, Ed.’
‘Mine? But you know my story.’
She nodded. ‘I do, but not everyone else does.’ Her tone softened. ‘If you’re going to get the full benefit of The ‘How To Survive’ Club, you need to get group feedback. We agreed that at the beginning.’
He nodded. ‘OK.’ He took a deep breath. ‘Apologies to those of you who know this already.’
‘I don’t!’ Violet was virtually licking her lips but Alison’s sister was giving her The Look which seemed to shut her up.
‘I met a girl at work. September. Someone who I really felt might be the one. But I blew it.’
‘No,’ chipped in Lizzie. ‘I did that for him.’
‘How?’
‘It’s a bit complicated. Just go on, Ed.’
‘OK. Then I met up again with my first girlfriend. Claire. She had a baby – I didn’t know about him – yes, he’s mine. He’s grown up now and she’s in a wheelchair. So I asked her to marry me.’
‘Incurable romantic,’ breathed Caroline.
‘Maybe, But she turned me down.’
‘And now?’ Violet elbowed him. ‘Now what will you do?’
Ed shrugged. ‘I don’t know. But one thing this course has taught me is that I can survive. You are all so brave.’
‘Tell them. Tell them’, sang the voice in his head.
‘There’s something else too.’ He felt his voice faltering. ‘My mother. I told you she died of cancer. But she didn’t. That’s what they’d told me at the beginning to protect me.’ Another deep breath. ‘It happened like this. We were driving one day. I was nine. Always jumping around. I made her look at something out of the window. A fair. With a roundabout. And coconut stands.’
His voice trembled. ‘I wanted to go. We did things like that. Had fun. But she said she didn’t have time to stop. So I . . . I yanked her hand. It was on the wheel. And we went off the road. And the next thing I knew was that I woke up in my bed at home. And my mother wasn’t there any more.’
He stared at them all in horror. ‘I lost my memory for a while after that which is why I believed the cancer lie, but then I found out the truth. My stupid behaviour in the car killed my mother. That’s why nothing has ever gone right in my life since then. That’s why I’ve never learned to drive. I just can’t. That’s why I’m bald because all my hair fell out when I was a kid – shock apparently. That’s why I can never be happy. Because none of the women I’ve met have lived up to my mother apart from maybe one. And because I’m scared of being with someone whom I really love in case I hurt them – without meaning to – just like I did with my mother. That’s why I have to have everything perfect whether it’s relationships or the way I can’t stand mess, so nothing ever goes wrong ever again.’
There. It was out. He shouldn’t have done it. Shouldn’t have said it. Not from the way they were all looking at him.
‘You poor thing. You poor, poor thing.’
Karen looked up. That didn’t sound like Lizzie. Or Violet. Or Alison. And certainly not her sister. Who on earth was this gorgeous auburn creature standing at the doorway, her tall, willowy frame leaning against the wall; her gaze fixed on Ed who had suddenly noticed her too.
‘September?’
Lizzie looked red. ‘I’m sorry Ed. I couldn’t help it. That letter I left. She finally got it.’
September bounced in and sat next to Ed’s feet, taking his hand in hers. ‘It took time because the hospital had my other name.’
‘And I told her about our weekend!’ Lizzie again. ‘I just thought it might help if . . .’
‘I came down and found you.’
The girl leaped up and flung her arms around a clearly astonished Ed. ‘Now I’ve heard everything. Do you really love me Ed? Really? Because if so, I think I feel the same way about you.’
47
LIZZIE
At least she could get something right. She might have messed up her own life, with a great deal of help from Tom and Sharon, but she had somehow, from the looks of things, helped to salvage things between Ed and that pretty girl.
September’s arrival put paid to the rest of the day. They had broken up in splinter groups and Lizzie found herself wandering down to the pond where she and her parents had spent so many happy childhood holidays. That was the spot where Dad had leant over the stone wall (strictly forbidden) and teased the sticklebacks. And there was the post office where Mum would buy postcards and once – to her great excitement – a green net for them to go fishing in the rock pools at Luccombe.
It was no good. She couldn’t resist it.
‘Guess where I am?’ she texted. ‘Bonchurch. On a wkend with group. Mum lkng after ch.’
There! Her first text to Dad since he’d been daft enough to go off. Of course, he probably didn’t have his phone charger with him in the shed, although Mum reckoned he nipped into the house for the bathroom when she went out. ‘If he wants to play silly buggers, I’m not going to stop him,’ she kept insisting.
Well, it was time that someone put a stop to all this. One break-up in the family was bad enough. The thought of the baby – she didn’t know its name and frankly she didn’t want to – made her feel sick. She and Tom had been bound together by the children. But now he had a child by someone else. Even worse, he had lied to her. Lied about how long he had been seeing Sharon. If it had been a one-off as he had claimed, she might – might – have been able to forgive him. But this was different. And, like Karen had said on the phone, she had to pick herself up, dust herself down and get on with it.
If only.
‘Thanks!’ A vibrant September was sitting by the fire when she got back. Ed was nowhere to be seen but judging from the girl’s flushed appearance, he might still be in the bedroom. ‘I’m so glad you wrote that letter. I would never have believe
d Ed if he’d told me himself. And to hear him talk about his mother like that, well, it really made me realise what a wonderful man he is even if he is a bit OCD about everything having to be perfect.’
Lizzie nodded. It was hard to show enthusiasm when she felt like such shit herself. She’d thought that coming down here might help; a break with the group, Karen had said. But it wasn’t helping. Not with glowing girls like September whose happiness was unfortunately non-contagious.
‘So why did you join the group?’ she continued. ‘Have you been single for long? Trust me. You won’t be. I’m sure I could find you someone . . .’
Lizzie headed for the door. ‘I don’t want anyone actually. Sorry – I’ve got to go.’
She almost bumped into Alison who was coming round the corner. ‘Got a minute?’ The older woman led her into her room; it was small with a narrow bed and some watercolours on the wall which looked as though they’d been done by a reasonably competent amateur some years ago.
‘I couldn’t help hearing what Ed’s girlfriend said. I’m sorry. I know it must be difficult for you. But you’ll get through it, Lizzie. It just seems awful at the time.’
How kind of her! Especially after what she’d been through.
‘Actually it did me good.’ Alison seemed to know what she was thinking. ‘I was desperate to prove that I was still attractive. David made me feel rejected.’
‘That’s how I feel.’
‘Then don’t make the same mistake as me!’ The older woman was holding her by the wrists. ‘Don’t jump into bed with the first man that asks you.’
An image of Dan the photographer flashed into her head; thank goodness nothing had happened there! At least it couldn’t have or Dan would have acted more awkwardly instead of becoming her new best (platonic) friend. ‘I won’t. Thanks for the advice.’
‘Any time. Now we’d better get a move on or we’ll be late.’
Late for what?
‘Didn’t Karen tell you? She wants us to meet up in the garden. Reckons there’s something we’ve all got to do. And she’s being very mysterious about it!’
It was an American idea apparently. Karen had read about it on the internet. They all had to blow up a balloon and as they blew into it, they had to breathe all their feelings into it. Then they simply tied a knot at the end and watched it float away.
What good was that going to do?
The blowing up bit was the hardest part. She tried. But her mistake was to imagine Sharon on that labour bed and immediately she couldn’t breathe. Then she pictured Tom’s face as he gazed at the baby in the hospital; the child that wasn’t his and hers but Sharon and Tom’s. She heard his voice. ‘I’m sorry, Lizzie. It wasn’t two months. It was two years. We’ve been seeing each other for two years. I just didn’t want to hurt you.’
That was when she almost flung the balloon on the ground.
But then someone took it from her. Someone with white pudgy hands and crumbs on fingers. ‘Let me,’ said a voice gently. Violet!
‘Tell me what you want to breathe in and I’ll do it for you.’
Lizzie gulped. ‘Hurt.’
Violet blew and as she did so, her turkey neck wobbled.
‘Rejection.’
Another breath. Another wobble.
‘Fear about the future.’
A longer breath this time.
‘Relief.’
Violet’s black, beady eyes looked at her. She’d have looked at herself if she could. Why had she said that? But it was true. Relief because she finally knew the truth!
Another breath.
‘The need to be true to myself.’
Another breath, almost approving this time.
‘Determination. Setting myself a new challenge.’
The balloon was almost full now.
What else could she say?
‘Friendship?’
That was Violet’s voice. Looking at her hopefully. They hadn’t been very friendly to her, in the group, Lizzie suddenly realised guiltily. They had laughed at her behind her back. How unkind. How very unkind.
‘Friendship,’ she said firmly. ‘Definitely.’
Violet’s eyes brightened as she handed the balloon over. ‘You tie,’ she said firmly.
And Lizzie had to force herself to touch the warm spittle on the balloon.
‘One, two, three,’ Karen called out. And together they all let go of their balloons. Up and up they went. Flying high in the sky which was still light – so wonderful after the winter! – and whispered of summer ahead.
And suddenly, Lizzie felt better than she had for ages. Lighter. Brighter. Still with that scary flutter at the bottom of her stomach. But a lot better than she’d felt for a long time.
48
ALISON
It was after she’d released her pink balloon – which made her feel rather silly and yet somehow ‘free’ at the same time – that she went back to the cottage before the others, who were still down on the beach, and found that Caroline’s stuff had all gone.
‘Sorry,’ said the note. That was it. Nothing about where she had gone or how she, Alison, was going to get back or whether she should indeed wait in case her sister had just gone for a drive. Then again, she wouldn’t have taken her suitcase, would she?
The others had been shocked by Hugh’s revelation – as indeed had she. To think Caroline had driven some poor woman to suicide.
Even so, the husband had to take his share of the blame too which was another thing.
‘I’ve dealt with my brother-in-law,’ Hugh had said. What did that mean exactly?
Somehow, in the aftermath of everything that had happened, David seemed a very long way in the past. She’d been stupid to be flattered. Even more stupid to have allowed herself to get into bed with a virtual stranger. But as Karen said in the group meeting, nothing had happened. She’d been lucky really. Very lucky. And now she’d be much more careful in the future. She’d concentrate on the children – Jules might pretend to be an adult but clearly she still needed a parent around. A responsible parent. And she needed to work out her budget and start house-hunting if David was serious about selling the house.
‘You’re going already?’ Lizzie was standing at her door, her cheeks flushed with the cold. It made her look brighter; very pretty. Poor child! Alison’s heart lurched. That could have been her fifteen years ago if David had done this earlier. At least she’d managed to bring up her children before her family crumbled. Lizzie had all that ahead of her but then again, she was still young enough to find someone else.
‘I think so.’ Alison looked around the empty room. ‘My sister seems to have left early. I think she felt awkward after her confession.’
Lizzie nodded tightly. ‘I know she’s your sister but she didn’t seem very repentant.’
‘No.’ Alison laughed wryly. ‘Caroline doesn’t do that. There’s usually some excuse for her behaviour.’
‘Like my dad.’ Lizzie came in and sat on the edge of the bed. ‘He’s still in his shed, according to Mum. She wants him back but is too proud to say so. And I think he feels the same.’
‘What about his lady friend? Didn’t you say that actually, she seemed quite nice?’
‘Marjorie?’ Lizzie nodded. ‘I quite liked her – or at least I would have done if she hadn’t been a rival for Dad’s affections! She seemed very embarrassed when Mum told her that Dad had been spinning her a yarn about their so-called ‘troubled marriage’.’
‘Do you know where she lives?’
‘Just round the corner! Coincidence or what?’
‘I can’t say. But it might be worth knocking on her door. Telling her what’s happened with the shed business and seeing if she might be able to knock some sense into your dad.’
The girl looked doubtful. ‘Maybe.’
‘And what about you?’ Alison wanted to put her arms around her. She seemed so young to be going through this. ‘Has this weekend made you feel any better?’
‘In a way.’
Lizzie brought her knees up, hugging them like a child. ‘I can’t tell you how I felt when I realised that baby was Tom’s. I still find it hard to believe. But then, when I heard everyone else’s stories, I realised I wasn’t alone. Shit happens. And people get through it. Like Karen. She’s lovely, isn’t she?’
Alison thought about Karen. Lovely, warm, bubbly with plenty of potential that needed to be tapped. A woman whom she’d never have come across if David hadn’t left. Never come across any of these people in fact, living the insular, home-centred life she’d had before. ‘She’s great. Deserves a medal for bringing us all together.’
‘I don’t know what I’d have done without the group.’
‘Nor me . . . Have you heard though? Karen’s suggested we have a six month break. Get on with our lives and then maybe meet up to see how we’re all doing.’
‘Six months?’ The girl’s face crumpled. ‘I don’t know if I can get through without everyone. Just knowing that there are people I can talk to, has helped me so much. No one else would understand unless they’ve been through it themselves.’
Alison found herself putting out her hand and squeezing Lizzie’s. It felt very small and ringless. So far, she’d resisted taking her own off. It seemed so final. Although – very oddly – it had begun to itch recently as though aggravating her skin after all these years. Surely that was psychological.
‘I’ll be your friend if you like. We can meet up and you can call any time you want.’
‘Really?’ Lizzie’s face brightened. ‘Thank you. I don’t feel I can keep calling on Karen any more. She’s helped me out enough so far and she’s clearly got her own issues to sort out.’
Alison nodded. ‘Actually, I know something else about Karen.’
As soon as she said it, she knew she shouldn’t have done.
‘What?’
Alison thought of the telephone conversation she had unwittingly heard in the hall the other day when Clive had quickly put down the phone. ‘Remember Karen said that she was seeing someone else. Well I think I know who he is.’
‘Who?’