by Ray G.
Come on guys! What the fuck happens at the end? I scroll down. Several comments about the perfect use of Arvo Pärt’s music in the soundtrack. Who the hell is Arvo Pärt? And what does his music have to do with this movie being fkn dumb? Looks like this convo went off the rails. Come on you sweaty, ambitionless, former wannabe filmmakers, I need some meat. Just give it away already. Fuck it. Direct search time: joe the shark ending. A video, titled precisely that, is at the top of the list. Bingo. Let’s watch…
Okay, looks like a nightclub. But the Joe Tally guy isn’t dancing, he looks super-serious. The music is awesome. Not clubby, but ethereal. I wonder if this is that Arvo Pärt guy. Yep. First comment confirms it. Cut is called Magnificat. Gonna have to get that one. Could make a nice addition to my bus pla—
Oh shit! He’s got the gun in his hand! He must be looking for his target. There’s the guy. Greasy lookin’ dude, counting money, surrounded by women, all giggling. Joe Tally raises his gun. Greasy guy spots him. Doesn’t flinch. The girls scatter. Greasy nods.
Pause.
Who is this greasy guy? Scroll down.
Ah, how clever, looks like his name is The Whale.
Wow. These dudes are going at each other’s throats. Some fella named spleebk80 seems to be foaming at the mouth…
@2eggwar, you are so fucking stupid! it’s called symbolism you retarded fuck. he was broke, hungry. he was failing as an artist. he needed to make something happen. he kills the whale he gets to “eat.” the whole part with him as the shark is him becoming the hitman you dumb fuck!
Damn. What did 2eggwar say that got this guy so riled up? Oh, there it goes…
I don’t get how he is able to kill The Whale. It doesn’t make sense. The movie never shows how he goes from being a painter to a hitman.
These guys are fucking nuts. I’m done with this—
Well, let me watch the end of the video first.
Unpause…
Okay, back to the action. Joe closes his eyes. Seems nervous. The Whale is shaking his head. Seems disappointed. What’s going on here? Does The Whale want to die?
The buzzer sounds. What the fuck?!
Pause.
Who could this be? Can’t be Wyatt. Too early. What if it’s choco? Possibly returning to reconcile. That perks me up a little. Sounds romantic. Maybe I’ll open the door and she’ll burst in, embrace me, apologize through tears. I’ll forgive her and we’ll go back to the bedroom where I will devour her sour sweetness again. All will be well. No more ‘new lesbian’ anxiety. I press the button.
Fuck. It’s just Alice.
Alice?!
What is she doing here? Maybe she has a thing for me. I’m a little too wide in the thighs for her, she likes ‘em a little more jagged to say the least, but what if my tale of woe awoke some sort of pity attraction? Gross. Alice is half-cute and all, but no way. I hope that’s not what she is here for, but what could it be? I mean this is Alice? Showing up at my place? Unannounced?
A dainty knock at the door.
I open it to see a dressed-down Alice. Very rare. She flings a bouquet of assorted roses from behind her back, “These are for you.”
“Thanks, but I thought I told you I hate sentimental shit.” I’m beyond terrified right now.
“I know, that’s why I got ‘em.” She walks in, “You’re probably wondering why I’m here.”
“Of course.”
“Well, I thought you could use a little cheering up. I remember my first time. It was a hookup situation. But this was before the internet so there was no setup or anything like that. I met her at a bar.”
Why is she doing this? This woman is not supposed to have a heart. She’s supposed to be a self-absorbed WASP with a lipstick lesbian edge. Only befriended her because I dug that she didn’t hide her queerness. So surreal to see an ‘out’ tragically middle-aged woman working at a tax preparation place. Had a picture on her desk of her and her then girlfriend. That was a year ago. Didn’t think we would be friends this long.
“Look, I’ll finish the story while we’re out. Yes, we’re going out.”
Don’t think that’s gonna happen. Wyatt’s going to be here in a few hours and he doesn’t have a key. But then again I could leave one somewhere. Text him the location. Hmmm.
“Come on, it’s gonna be fun, and don’t worry about gettin’ dressed up. Look at me. Besides, it’s not that kind of place anyway.”
“What kind of place is it?”
“You’ll see. Just go throw on some clothes.”
She opens her purse, pushes aside her wallet and a cosmetics bag to display several tiny bottles of light and dark liquor, every variety known to man. I’m impressed, but also worried. Always thought Alice was a lush. This kinda confirms it. “Go ahead, grab some,” she says. “Let’s get the party started.” She doesn’t wait for me. She grabs a couple, pops the tops and downs them in no time. “Okay, your turn.”
Fuck it.
I do the same. Two to the head.
“These are to keep us nice. We’ll get a couple at the bar just so it doesn’t look like we’re squatting.”
I don’t know what to say. I don’t know who this Alice is. Her hair, normally styled in some sort of wavy news reporter doo, is pulled back in a no frills ponytail and she’s wearing one of those free t-shirts they give out at marathons. Looks like she got this one in the late 90s. Minimal makeup on. She looks good. Surprisingly.
“I bet you didn’t think I knew how to party. It’s okay. I’ve never shown you this side.” She grabs two more, down easy. “Go get dressed so we can get the hell outta here.”
I really would like to get back to my Joe, The Shark research, but I cannot deny the fact that a night out with this Alice could be interesting.
Hmmmmm.
What the hell.
I’ll leave a key under the mat.
THE PLACE is called The Vesta Room. Outside, unassuming. Inside, even more unassuming. Kind of dive-y. But that’s okay, I dig it. Standard wooden bar, two pool tables, two box-shaped women have a game going on one, there’s also a dart board, jukebox and is that…wait a minute…it is…I can’t fucking believe it! The original Street Fighter?! It’s tucked away in a corner next to a decaying Super Off Road cabinet. Both screens are faded and tinted green. I want to rush over, but Alice guides me to the bar. She knows the bartender. A big girl. Polynesian looking. Wide face. The two laugh heartily. I return my attention to the corner. I wanna play that fucking game!!! It’s been eons since I last played it. I was fifteen. Used to spend all my free time at Muck’s Arcade with my boyfriend Ernie. Sweet guy, terrified of girls. Loved him for that. Never any attempts to feel me up or stick his tongue down my throat. We played that damn game for hours. Switching back-and-forth between the only two playable characters, Ryu and Ken, swearing there was a difference between the two other than the obvious cosmetic one.
“What do you want? My treat.” Apparently Alice and the bartender are done trading war stories.
“I’ll go with my usual,” I say turning to face them.
“Give us two Long Islands Sally.”
Bobby Caldwell’s My Flame comes to an end. Steely Dan’s Deacon Blues follows. Nice. Wonder if there’s any Nina within that contraption.
“I met her here. Twenty-five years ago.” Looks like Alice is ready to tell her story, “Her name was Winona. Now you have to remember, I was a virgin up until that point. No one had even touched me. I mean no one. Didn’t even ‘try’ guys like some girls do. I knew exactly what I liked, but I grew up in a place where there was no way for me to, how can I put it, ‘express’ myself, so when I was twenty-two I left my parents’ place and moved to the city. My first place was just a couple blocks from here. Went for a stroll one night, walked by this place, slowly, peered inside. Nothin’ but butch girls. I was intimidated so I strolled on. But I would come back every few nights, just to walk by.”
“But then,” Sally chimes in.
Alice laughs, “Stop eavesdroppin!’ O
ne night Sally comes out of the bar after me yelling, ‘Hey you! Blondie! Come here!’”
More from Sally, “I used to see her walking by every other damn night, always looking in with this bewildered expression on her face: ‘Wow, real life dykes.’” A big laugh, takes a swig of beer, “I just told her to get her ass inside. Told her I’d give her a few drinks to loosen her up.”
“I was terrified. Sally was as big as she is now, then.”
Sally modifies, “A little tighter though, I had been training back then.”
“To tell you the truth Sally, I thought about running.”
“But you didn’t. You came inside. Had a few and that’s when…well you go ahead and tell it.”
“I was sittin’ here just minding my own business and then all of a sudden this woman sits right next to me. Imposing, full-figured like you Eve.” I’m imposing Alice? Fuck you. Of course she doesn’t pick up on how offensive that shit is, she just continues blabbering, “She had long, flowing black hair, deep tan, piercing blue eyes. Kinda looked like Jaclyn Smith. Very pretty. Quite lumbering though. Zero grace. We get to talkin’ and she lays on the charm real thick. Real smooth talker. She tells me how beautiful I am. How smart I am. And I’m fallin’ for the whole bit. I really thought I had struck the jackpot. My first time in a lez bar and I meet the love of my life. Soon, we’re outside, up against the wall kissing. She was really aggressive which I liked. And then—”
Alice’s story is interesting, I’m into it, but a curious thing is happening at the Street Fighter upright. A young, perhaps twenty-four or five, lanky, mocha-ish girl has stepped up to play. She’s rocking a tall kinky frohawk, died dirty blonde, intricate swirling designs cut into her naturally colored sides. Oversized t-shirt, neck cut out. Black leggings. Chunky black boots, laces everywhere. Cute. And quite talented. She just finished off Lee with a couple uppercuts and a single Hadōken. This girl’s a pro. Where in the hell did she come from? Didn’t see her walk in.
“—she falls out, drunk. I’m lying there naked on the couch. Pussy wet as hell. Not because I’m turned on or anything, but because she was sloppy. Just slobbering all over me. I didn’t know if that was good or bad. It was my first time after all. I just remember feeling ‘tingly’ throughout the whole thing. Nothing more than that. I would later find out that tingly wasn’t shit. Anyway, after towel drying my pussy I proceed to wake her drunk ass up, but she wouldn’t move. I shook her and shook her. Nothing. I didn’t know what to—”
Damn it, I am always tuning this woman out. The nerve of me. I know she’s trying to cheer me up, but I cannot take my eyes off of the girl in the corner manhandling that machine. Just violently pulling the joystick and pounding the buttons. She is kicking some serious ass over there! My God! Who are you? Please turn around so I can see your face.
Ah ha.
Bathroom break.
The bathroom door shares the same wall as the games. I can sneak a peek.
I try to excuse myself but Alice follows.
Whatever.
WHAT?! Homegirl just single uppercut KO’d Birdie. She steps away from the machine to crack her knuckles. Turns slightly. I steal my peek. Very cute. She’s wearing red square-rimmed glasses that frame big browns. Small mouth. Plump lips. She catches me looking. Smiles. I return the favor. She goes back to the game. Alice and I go inside the bathroom. Alice locks herself in a stall. I check my reflection. Lookin’ all right.
“Enjoyin’ yourself?” she asks.
“Yeah. Cool place. I can’t believe your story. Sounds crazy.” Well, what I heard of it at least.
“I know I talk a lot of shit Eve, but I just don’t want you to get hurt. I really do love you. You’re like the little lesbian sister I always wanted.”
“Cute.”
She exits the stall, tosses three empty bottles into the trash. Damn Alice. Like that? She’s quite toasty. She looks into the mirror and begins mumbling about how it’s been awhile. Don’t get any ideas woman. I don’t care how drunk I get, that’s not going down.
“It’s dead out there tonight,” she whines.
No it isn’t. Not for me. I’m itchin’ to get the hell outta this ratty-ass bathroom. I wanna get another glimpse of that beautiful virtuoso. Such a monster on the ‘stick. A single uppercut victory?! She’s way too young to be that good. She must have had formal training.
“We’re gonna have to go somewhere else Eve.”
She’s drunk. Amorous. Lonely. It’s almost sad. She downs one more bottle. Moves for the door. Finally.
Back out into the fray. Ms. Single Uppercut is still goin’ at it. What a sight. Running Away by Roy Ayers is playing. Really diggin’ the vibe right now.
“Okay, I’m gonna go say bye to Sally and then we’ll go downtown.”
Whatever. She heads towards the bar. I head towards Her. I dig in my pockets. Awesome. Three quarters. She spots me. Flashes another smile, “You gonna join in?”
“If you don’t mind?”
“Not at all.”
I drop my quarter in. Wow. The screen is a mess. Blurry. Image stains. There’s no sound. Not really a bad thing though. From what I remember this game sounds like shit.
All right, here we go…
She gets the first couple hits in which means I’m fucked.
Here comes the Hadōken.
And goodnight me.
She shrugs. Too cute.
I drop another quarter in.
“Eve!” Damn it Alice. “Come on, let’s go.”
“Just a minute!” I shout back. I must redeem myself. Here we go.
Gotta be more aggressive this time.
I start big with a Hurricane Kick. She avoids it. What the—
BAM! She gets me with the uppercut KO.
I want to marry her. Right here. Right now.
She’s laughing. Tells me she’s sorry. I must have her. Love her candy sweet little voice.
“Eve! Let’s go!”
“Sounds like your girlfriend is ready to go,” she says.
“She’s not my girlfriend.” But you can be my girlfriend. You wanna be my girlfriend? I’ll treat you good. So very good.
She extends her hand, “My name is Amy.”
I shake it. Soft. Small. “My name is Eve. Nice to meet you Amy. You come here often?”
She laughs, “Did you really just say that?”
“Yeah, wish I hadn’t.”
“It’s okay. No, I don’t come here often.”
What do I say now? I want to escalate this. Time is ticking.
What do I say? What do I say?!
“Eve!”
Bitch, I’m coming. Damn.
“I’ll be here tomorrow,” she says.
“Okay. I’ll—I’ll come by. For a rematch. What time are you going to be here?”
“Same time.”
“Hey, I thought you said you don’t come here often?”
“Give me a reason to.”
Oh shit. My heart is melting.
Damn. There’s a tap on my shoulder…
It’s an impatient Alice. “Come on Eve, this place is dead.”
Sigh.
We exchange farewells.
Wish I could stay here, with Her.
All night.
IT’S FUCKING four in the morning and I’m just now getting home. Three bars, two clubs and still, no ass for Alice. Fuck. Why did I agree to this? I gotta work tomorrow. Wyatt’s probably gonna be upset. I missed his little shooting people in the face party.
Damn it Wy…
He left the door unlocked. Little dude was probably too eager to worry about safety.
Awww. How cute. He’s sprawled out on the floor, in a deep slumber, light-gun resting on his chest. The game is still on. White screen, tiny black Can You? text dead-center, press start in an even smaller font right below. A foreboding Aphex Twin-esque loop sets the mood.
Two pizza boxes on the table. Looks like he ate half of one. A bottle of orange soda, completely gone. Kind of mad at myself
for missing the party. Only kind of. Wouldn’t have met Amy otherwise.
What a day.
What a fuckin’ day.
I plop down on the couch. Exhausted, but not sleepy. Maybe I’ll give this ‘big deal’ game a run. The concept, although brutal, does intrigue me.
I gently lift the gun from Wyatt’s chest. He doesn’t budge. I press the start button on its side. A login screen pops up asking me to log in via my email account or social networking profile. This must be the catch. There is no way I’m going to relinquish access to my personal information to a damn videogame. There’s gotta be a way to bypass this. Damn. Doesn’t look like it. Man, I really kinda want to play this now.
Dummy account!
You’re a genius Eve.
Flip the lid on my laptop. Within seconds I create a new email account. Too easy. Now I’m ready.
All right, here we go…
The music fades and the screen falls black. We hang in darkness for a moment and then a blue masculine face fades into view. His eyes lock onto mine. He says nothing. Seems to be studying me. Spooky. So damn realistic. Wish I had a 3DTV. His eyes dart to the gun which I am holding at my side.
“Why do you have that?” he asks. Booming voice. Stuns me. He continues, “Are you nervous?”
How does he know? Oh yeah. Almost forgot about the pulse sensor thingy in the handle.
“Don’t be nervous. I trust you. I don’t think you want to hurt me.”
Of course not. I want to see where this goes.
“I’m curious,” he begins, suddenly earnest, “Why are you hiding from me?”
Excuse me?
“Why are you so afraid?”
What the hell is this?
“You don’t want me to know about you? Why? I can find out about you if I want to.” He closes his eyes, “Is your name eunicekw21?”
WHAT?! That’s the username associated with my primary account?! How does he know that? What the fuck?! There’s no way!
Opens his eyes, “Yes! Your name is eunicekw21. Nice to meet you eunicekw21. I told you I could find out about you. Please don’t be afraid.”
Seriously spooked right now. There’s no fucking way. How is this happening?