Inside of You (Jessa & Paxton #2)

by Haven Francis

  I can hear the guys fucking around on their instruments and laughing, but all I can focus on is the energy that is searing through my body. It feels so fucking good. Jimmy starts playing a repetitive rhythm on his guitar and I focus on it. Lyrics start forming in my head. They are about Jessa. About her hair and her eyes and her mouth and her body. About the fact that she took them from me. Fuck. I want her now. I want my hands on her now. It’s painful how much I want her. And she’s not fucking here. Won’t be back here for days. “Shit,” I yell. “Let’s get the fuck out of here.”

  “Hell, yeah,” Billy says, jumping up. He starts boxing the air, like he’s Pacquiao. “Let’s go,” he says.

  I get off the couch and head out of the warehouse. I take in the cool night air and I want to run. So I do. I take off down the street like an idiot with the guys following. They’re screaming and hollering like lunatics and I laugh at their stupid asses.

  We get to the end of the street and end up in a lit up parking lot. Louis starts hopping on the barriers, doing some acrobats like a parkour motherfucker. I wish I had my board. Why don’t I have my fucking board? I wonder as I look at the parking barriers on the ground that I can feel and hear my deck scraping over. If I had my board and if I had Jessa, shit would be perfect right now.

  Louis jumps on the hood of a car and then flips off it. Jimmy tells him to calm down and wrestles him to the ground. They’re rolling around like a couple of fifth graders and Billy is yelling, “Beat his ass, Jimmy.”

  “Hey,” a booming yell comes from behind us. A bulky, bald, white guys comes out from the little building he was sitting in. He’s got a bat in his hand.

  “Shit,” I yell, before laughing. The guys get their asses off the tar and start running with me. We climb the fence at the back of the lot. Louis gets caught up in one of the links and the three of us are on the other side, cheering him on as the guy with the bat nears.

  “Fuck,” Louis yells, when the guy gets a hold of his boot. He finally pulls out of it and gets his ass over the top of the fence, falling most of the nine feet onto the ground. We pull him up and continue to run. I’m laughing the whole way. It feels good.

  When we finally stop we’re knee deep in grass and surrounded by trees. “Jesus, where the hell are we?” Louis says, collapsing on the cold ground. “That motherfucker took my shoe.”

  I lay down by him, looking up at the stars, feeling my heart race. “Funny how you were so agile flipping off that car, but some bald dude with a bat chases you down and you turn into an infant.”

  “Dude was scary. Have you ever been beat with a bat? It fucking hurts.”

  “No, man. I haven’t.”

  “Seriously,” Billy says joining us on the ground. “Where the hell are we? Who knew there was a grassland oasis behind the parking lot? This shit ain’t bad.”

  “Is this how it was in Minnesota? You guys just lay around on grass looking up at the stars?” Jimmy says, dreamily.

  I always keep my worlds separate so I don’t talk about River Bluff with the guys but right now that don’t matter. “I had a friend there, she lived on a farm and yeah, we spent a lot of time sitting out in the grass.”

  “Doing what?” Billy says with a laugh.

  “Listening to music. Talking about nothing. Or talking about everything. All the weird, terrible, beautiful shit in your life. Everything’s different there. The smell. The air. The people. It’s a different world,” I tell them, closing my eyes, feeling like I’m right back there with Emily and Jason and Jessa. I can see Jessa – the sun shining down on her tan body, her hair blowing in the wind, a tiny tank top covering her tits. Fuck. I never even checked my phone after I turned if off. Or maybe not fuck. Maybe it will be good for that girl to worry. To realize she shouldn’t just take off on me.

  Jesus, I’m already acting like the asshole I was before she came into my life. But right now I don’t care. Right now I’m with the guys feeling free and having fun. The best part about life. The reason I love Venice and the reason I loved that farm town too. Freedom. Air. Being out in the open, not locked behind doors. “We should do this more often.”

  “What? Get our shoes stolen and lay on cold, hard dirt?” Louis asks.

  “Yeah. Get out of that space. Get out of all the spaces.”

  “I keep telling you guys, you gotta come camping with me. Paxton’s right. You can’t just live in the city and never leave. Sometimes you gotta get away from the buildings,” Jimmy says and someone chucks something at him. “Ouch, Jesus, you assholes.”

  “You guys are fucking nuts. The mellow rock. Snorting coke like amateurs. Trees. Camping. Next thing you know you guys will be forcing granola down my throat and trying to get me to go to yoga,” Billy mutters.

  “No man, they’re right. This is good for us. Just the four of us, no distractions. Man, I’ll totally go camping with you, Jimmy,” Louis tells him.

  “This better be the drugs talking you pussy,” Billy says. “Let’s get the fuck out of here. It’s cold and Louis only has one shoe.”

  “Hold on, man,” I tell him. Out here, in the night air, with the guys, adrenaline running through my body, my mind on high alert, I’m hearing all the songs. All the songs that are written and unwritten clicking together in my head. The sound… it’s obvious. I close my eyes and see the notes forming in front of me, the lyrics fitting into the correct slots. “We’re changing everything,” I mumble, standing up and heading back the way I came, running again

  “What the fuck are you talking about?” Billy calls after me.

  “The songs, the words, the tempo, the pulse-it’s all changing. Get the fuck up.”

  Chapter 10 - Jessa

  I was in my house, staring at my lifeless mother and her bland husband for about a half hour when I decided I had to get out of there. I swear to God, sometimes I just want to shake her and try to bring her back to life. She used to be full of life. I remember like it was yesterday. But that mom and the one I have now don’t even resemble each other.

  Lydia, the girl that was married to my dad, Alex, was beautiful. I look a lot like her; we have the same hair and eyes, but she was stunning. Like, you couldn’t stop staring at her stunning. ‘Gorgeous,’ my dad used to call her. All the time. And she was. Her tall, curvy body was always dressed impeccably. Her hair was always blown out and shining. Her makeup looking professional and perfect. She was bubbly and social and had girlfriends. We had parties at our house all the time and she was always the center of attention.

  Now, she looks old and worn out. She’s looked this way ever since my dad left. Her curvy body is now rail thin and covered in slacks and blouses. Her hair is cut into a flat bob. She’s stopped coloring it and stopped using hair products, so it’s a washed out brown with gray roots. Her makeup is non-existent.

  Her personality is just as subdued. Her smile is tight and never reaches her eyes. Her voice is no longer cheery but merely cordial. Her life is lists and order. No ups or downs. Even keeled. I can’t even talk to her anymore. She has nothing to say to me. She asks about my classes and my roommate, Violet – she has no idea Paxton is living with us. She asks about the city and the public transportation system. I answered all her questions while Dean sat in front of the television, his bifocals resting on his nose while he studied the Star and Tribune, and then I left.

  I called Nat and Emily on the drive here. Nat didn’t pick up for me but she did for Emily and when Emily told her I was home, I got a call back immediately. She’s no longer pissed at me, which is how she operates. If she’s mad, she’s mad, but once she lets it go, it’s gone. She doesn’t let it linger. I wish I had that skill. But already I’m feeling better about Paxton and me, even though he didn’t pick up my phone call. I know he and the guys are rehearsing and he probably has his phone off and in his guitar case like it always is when he’s trying to focus. He’ll call me when he’s done. I’m not worried, which is a huge improvement on my part already. Things will be back to normal, back to perfect, w
hen I see him again.

  As I head down the Donovan’s driveway I forget all about Paxton because now that I’m finally here, about to see Em again, it’s like all the missing I haven’t been letting myself do is catching up with me and I cannot wait to see her. I park the car and get out, heading past the main house to the little cabin on the back of the lot where Emily and Danny are living. Before I make it to the door, Emily appears and is sprinting toward me, screeching until she has me in her arms. “Oh my god. I missed you so much,” she tells me.

  I’m so happy to see her, I feel like bursting into tears. I hug her back and tell her, “I missed you, too.”

  She keeps an arm wrapped around me as we make our way around the cabin and up the small porch. She pulls the door open and, without warning, a fluffy, yellow creature is jumping on me. “Jesus,” I yell. “Holy crap, is that Daisy?” I ask Emily, bending down to scratch the dogs ears as she attempts to lick my face. Last time I saw Daisy she was a tiny little fur ball.

  “Yep, it is. She’s becoming a beast. I just weighed her, she’s almost forty pounds.” Emily is going to veterinary technician school at the community college in Rochester so she’s more of an animal expert now then she ever was. Which is saying something seeing how Emily grew up on a farm next door and already knows way too much useless information about horses, pigs and chickens. “She is such a pain in the butt. Danny spoils her and she won’t listen to me if he’s around. But she’s so sweet. I love her, despite the fact that, just today, she took a big steaming crap in the middle of my living room.”

  I give the dog one last pat while laughing. “No, this sweet thing? She shit on your carpet?” I ask, standing up and taking my jacket and shoes off. “Jesus, Em, I thought now that you were living here you would have taken over,” I tell her, looking around the place that hasn’t changed since she moved in.

  “Turns out I care about decorating about as much as I care about clothes and makeup,” she tells me, walking into the kitchen with me following. She opens the fridge and grabs a bottle of wine. “What do you want to drink, babe?”

  “I could probably use something stronger. I just spent seven and a half hours on, what should have been, a six hour ride with Dylan, thanks to the fricking sit down dinner he conveniently snuck in.” Pax was right about Dylan. I got the whole, I’m never gonna fall in love again and why are you with that psychotic lunatic speech an hour into the drive. With all of the lost ex-lover in my life – Dylan, Stella and Vincent- I’m wondering if this shit ever ends with both people wanting out. Is there always someone left miserable and begging?

  Emily laughs and shakes her head. “Poor kid.” She opens up a cabinet with liquor bottles that I’m guessing have been here for a while. Emily was never a big drinker and I don’t think Danny touches anything stronger than beer anymore. But lucky for me, he used to be a huge Jack Daniels lover. “Help yourself and then you can tell me about it.”I pull out the whiskey and Emily grabs me a glass, filling it with ice. I pour the alcohol in it and then follow her out to the small living room.

  “Where’s Danny?” I ask her.

  “He’s went up to his dad’s after you called. This place isn’t big enough to talk about anything without him listening.”

  “Please… don’t tell me you have complaining to do?” I ask her.

  “No, I don’t. Things are still good. Everyone’s good. It’s almost boring.”

  “You and Danny boring?” Emily and Danny have been many things but boring has never been one of them.

  She smiles uncontrollably. “Hell, no. There is nothing boring about Danny, dear God. I’m not kidding you, Jess, he gets better every day. It’s scary. But you know what I mean – my first year back here was nothing but drama, obviously I’m glad that is no longer the case, but there just isn’t a whole lot going on. Plus, you and Paxton are gone. So yeah – if it weren’t for Danny, things would be pretty monotonous. In fact, I’m starving for some juicy info. So tell me. I’ll take anything you got.”

  “Jesus, Em, that’s a lot of pressure.”

  “You’re stalling. What’s going on? Last time I talked to you, you weren’t planning on coming home over break. In fact, I spent the better part of a week of my life trying to talk some sense into Nat on your behalf after you broke the news to her.”

  “I really was missing you guys and I wanted to be here for Nat. Plus, I totally lost my shit last night and was prepared to leave Paxton just because he had a little heart to heart with Stella in front of me. I’m going crazy and I’m hurting Pax. I needed a minute off. A chance to come back to reality. I needed you.”

  Emily smiles at me as she pets her dog that is sitting on her lap now, completely overtaking my petite little friend with her big furry frame. “I miss you so much. It’s hard having you gone.”

  “Honestly, it feels really good to be back here. I love it there in the city - living that crazy life that belongs to Paxton- but it’s hard to think. And I love my friends there but they were all Paxton’s friends first so it’s strange. I never thought I’d miss this place, but I do.”

  “Well, good. I’m glad you came home, but honestly Jessa, you never really fit in here.”

  “Thanks a lot,” I laugh.

  “You’re taking that as an insult? Please… you were always too big for this place. I mean, what the hell would you do in a town like this? You are going to school for fashion design. Your boyfriend is in a band that is ‘The most promising thing to come out of Chicago since Wilco and The Smashing Pumpkins’.”

  “Oh really?” I ask her, laughing.

  “Yes. According to the Chicago Sun.”

  “Hmm,” I say, taking a hard swallow off my drink.

  “You realize I’ve never gotten to actually see the two of you together. I mean like, madly in love and all of that good stuff. But I knew it, from that first day he walked into the art room that you guys were perfect for each other.”

  “We are, Em. And it totally sucks.”

  She stutters a laugh. “Why does that suck?”

  “You know exactly why it sucks. You know how hard it is to be completely in love and dependent on that love for your happiness. You know that it can leave at any moment, and then what the hell do you have? Who are you without it?”

  “You guys are still together, right?” she asks with a look of panic on her face.

  “Yeah, we are. I’m just wigging out- turning into a head case. I love him so much and Nat was right – he’s all I care about. It’s just scary. It’s scary to love someone this much.”

  Emily stares at me with a smile on her face, shaking her head.

  “What?” I ask her.

  “You. In love.”

  I can’t help but smile too. “With Paxton.”

  “With Paxton,” she concurs. “Jason and I were watching YouTube videos today of their performances and it’s so strange. Looking at that guy on stage, listening to his amazing voice and hearing all those people in the audience screaming… it’s Paxton.”

  “There are YouTube videos?”

  “Oh my god, Jess – yes. There are videos and articles and blogs which, by the way, you make several appearances in. The pictures of the two of you… they’re sweet. I haven’t come across one picture of him off stage without you. And he’s always got you wrapped up in his arms, protecting you, looking like he’s gonna murder anyone that gets close too you,” she says, with a huge smile.

  “Seriously?”

  She shakes her head at me. “Don’t you ever Google your boyfriend?”

  “No. It never even crossed my mind. I mean, Vi read us that little article in The Sun, but Paxton just acted like it was no big deal, like every band in Chicago that doesn’t totally suck gets the same write up. What have you seen?” I ask, totally intrigued.

  “The best is this website, it’s totally dedicated to the band and it’s not new so there are pictures and videos of them from the beginning. And some other band he used to play with…. Cause for Chaos. You want to see?”


  “Um… yeah.”

  Emily takes Daisy off her lap and puts her on the floor then goes to her bedroom, coming back out with a tablet. She settles into my side and clicks on the window that she already has open. The picture is a recent one from one of their shows at The Bottle. Paxton, of course, looks totally hot – his face is intense and his white t-shirt is clinging to his sweaty body. My insides warm and I’m wishing I could touch that body. How am I going to make it through an entire week without touching that body?

  “Look,” Emily says, clicking on ‘photos’ and scrolling down to the very first one. It’s a picture of the guys and Elijah kicking back on some couch. Paxton looks so young. He also looks a little wasted. He’s shirtless and staring right into the camera with a look of indifference on his face. Again- totally hot.

  Emily flips through the next few pictures of the band and I stare at all of them, missing him so much it hurts. I can see the difference between then and now – the defensiveness in Paxton’s face. In almost all of the pictures of them off stage he is fliping off the camera, and in the pictures of them on stage Paxton looks angry and like he’s screaming his lyrics. This is not the lead singer that I know.

  Then an image of Paxton and Stella pops up. Emily tries to flip right past it, but I stop her, taking the tablet from her hand. I flip back to the picture. Paxton is sitting in a chair, Stella is on his lap – a position that is all too familiar to me. They look happy and comfortable. They look good together. She looks like she belongs to him. Her tank top exposes the tattoos that run down both of her arms. Her face looks younger – delicate and pretty. Her bright red lips and her long black lashes pop on her creamy skin. They are both smiling lazy smiles, like they just got done making love. There is a black stripe running down one side of her blond hair, and then I see his hand, the one that’s not tangled with hers. It’s wrapped around her hair. That sight makes my heart contract. The look on his face, her on his lap, their fingers laced together – all of those things hurt because that is him with me. But his fingers wrapped up in her hair… that’s just supposed to be mine. That is him with me and no one else.