Coming Home to Liverpool

by Kate Eastham

  ‘Aaargh!’ she screamed, flinging the whole thing on to the back of the fire.

  Hugo shot up and fled the kitchen.

  Maud grabbed a clean tea towel and buried her face in it. She pressed the rough fabric to her eyes, making the tears stop, drying her face, over and over, with the towel.

  ‘Maud?’ said a voice. It was Stella.

  There was no way that Maud could hide her despair. She gave her face one more wipe and then pulled the tea towel away.

  ‘Oh, Maud,’ whispered Stella, looking close to tears herself as she covered the ground between them. ‘Whatever has happened?’

  Maud took in a deep, shuddering breath and then the whole story poured out of her.

  ‘Oh, Maud, I’m so sorry,’ said Stella, shocked. ‘Wait till I get my hands on him. I’d never have thought he’d pull a stunt like this. I’ve known Harry for years – he’s been a regular in that pub where I play the piano. He’s always drunk too much, and then he was involved with the bare-knuckle fighting. He’s always been a rogue. But then when you came along, I could see that he was different – changed, even. But this, well, this is terrible and so, so awful for you and Alfred.’

  ‘It is,’ croaked Maud, not knowing what else she could possibly add. The facts were plain, and that was that.

  ‘What are you going to do?’

  ‘I’m just going to carry on with my work,’ hiccupped Maud. ‘At least I’ve got that. They can’t take my nursing away from me. And I’ve got Alfred to think about as well. I’ll just keep going.’

  Stella was nodding as she tried to take Maud in her arms, but Maud felt her body stiffen and drew back. She didn’t want too much sympathy, she didn’t want to soften, and she heard herself saying matter-of-factly, ‘I’ll just clear these pots from the table.’

  ‘There’s no need to do that,’ soothed Stella, trying to take her hand.

  But Maud was already collecting the cups. ‘I’m always best when I keep busy,’ said Maud, forcing herself to smile and show Stella that she was fine.

  ‘Well, all right, then,’ said Stella, dubiously. ‘But don’t overdo it, you need to save your energy for getting very angry with that man. Stupid good-for-nothing idiot.’

  After the washing up, Maud wiped the sink, mopped the floor, took a scrubbing brush to the kitchen table and then swept the hearth. Damp with sweat, she did – at least for a while – feel calmer with the activity. But still her head was full of all that had happened.

  Later, as she sat in the backyard, she began to feel restless again, so she took up a broom and started to sweep up some dead leaves that lay scattered and untidy. She’d got them all into a nice pile and was just about to find a shovel when the gate clicked open and brushed through them, sending the leaves flying again.

  Maud tutted as she readied herself to sweep them up again. But then she noticed a solemn figure, wearing a multi-coloured shawl and a large black hat with a veil, coming slowly through the gate.

  ‘Hello, Sue,’ said Maud, with as much energy and warmth as she could muster.

  ‘Hello, Maud,’ replied a tiny voice from behind the veil.

  ‘Come and sit down,’ said Maud, finally finding the strength to pull herself together for the girl she’d become so fond of, and indicating the bench. ‘Can I get you a drink or a piece of cake?’

  Sue shook her head, a clumsy gesture in the large hat. ‘I’ve come to ask you something,’ she said, starting to swing her legs as she sat beside Maud on the bench.

  ‘All right,’ said Maud. ‘What is it?’

  ‘Well, I know that Mam wants me to wear this hat because she thinks my ruined face will shock people and she doesn’t want them staring at me. But I’ve been thinking about what you said to me on the ward, about not hiding away, and being proud of the scar because it tells the story of how I tried to save a boy’s life … well, that isn’t as easy as it sounds, for a start.’

  ‘Of course not, it can’t be,’ soothed Maud.

  ‘But I’ve been thinking about all the work that you and Alice and the other nurses do at the hospital. And one day, when I’m old enough, I’d like to do that kind of work as well. And if I did, I’d have to wear a uniform and a starched cap. I wouldn’t be able to wear this big hat, covering my face, would I? So, even though Mam wants me to wear the hat, I think that I should try to persuade her to let me leave it off. What do you think?’

  ‘Well, you need to talk to your mam, as you say. But I think you’re absolutely right to be thinking of the future. After all, if you were to become a nurse you would be able to earn a good wage, and you could support your mam. And I think you’d make an excellent nurse, Sue. Especially with all you’ve been through yourself. And yes, you’re right, you wouldn’t be able to wear a hat with a veil, if you were working on the wards.’

  ‘I thought so,’ said Sue, removing the hat with a flourish and turning to face Maud with a slow smile.

  All Maud could see and think of in that moment was the smile and the twinkle of mischief in this lovely girl’s green eyes.

  ‘It’s so nice to see you,’ said Maud, meaning it heartily and blinking back tears as she reached out a hand to brush a few stray locks of hair away from Sue’s face. And then she ran her fingers along the scarlet line of the wound. ‘This is healing very nicely,’ she said, reassuringly, before kissing the girl gently on her scarred cheek.

  Sue raised her own hand to the spot where Maud had kissed her. And then she smiled again, put her hand into the pocket of her dress and pulled out an orange silk flower. A little crushed, a little dusty, but bright and cheerful all the same.

  ‘This is for you,’ Sue said, jumping up from the bench and holding out the silk flower.

  ‘Thank you very, very much,’ murmured Maud, more touched than she could express by the girl’s gesture.

  ‘I found it on the steps of St George’s Hall,’ she said. ‘It was blowing in the wind, I had to chase after it, and with the veil on I couldn’t quite see what colour it was. But when I had it in my hand, I was able to see how lovely it was.’

  ‘Thank you,’ murmured Maud, reaching up to stroke the girl’s cheek. ‘I will treasure it.’

  ‘I need to go now. Mam’s expecting me at the flower stall. I’ll tell her what you said about me being a nurse,’ called Sue, as she skipped across the backyard, pulling her hat on as she went.

  ‘Goodbye, Sue,’ called Maud as the gate clicked to. She looked at the orange flower and turned it over in her hand. ‘It’s beautiful,’ she murmured. ‘Unexpectedly beautiful.’ And then she smiled, the warmth of it momentarily pushing back her emptiness. Sue Cassidy must actually be a guardian angel, thought Maud, remembering what Alice had said about the girl.

  Later that afternoon, after Marie had returned with Victoria and Maud had helped make a meal for all the women of the house before their evening of work began, she made herself a cup of tea and went to sit out in the backyard. She knew that Alice and Eddy would be returning to the house soon.

  When she heard them both come laughing into the kitchen, she listened carefully and then she heard them fall silent. Stella had agreed to tell Alice and Eddy the whole sorry story, so that Maud didn’t have to keep retelling it. She’d kept back the information that Alfred had let slip about Nancy being at the docks the day of their return to Liverpool, and her dear friends being aware of that. That was something she would broach with them herself. Everything needed to be out in the open now.

  Within minutes, they were both coming out of the back door and into the yard.

  ‘Maud, we’re so sorry. Stella’s just told us the terrible news. Are you all right?’

  They both stood in front of her, and Maud could see that Alice was in tears.

  ‘I think I might be in shock,’ Maud said quietly. ‘I’m very hurt. But most of all right now, I’m concerned for Alfred. His whole world has been turned upside down, he adores Harry …’

  ‘Oh, Maud,’ murmured Eddy, reaching out to hug her.

 
Maud held up a hand, and Eddy stopped dead in her tracks. ‘There is one more thing, however,’ she said, as Eddy stood over her, with her eyes wide. ‘And I think you both know what it is.’

  Neither of them spoke.

  ‘Alfred told me, in all innocence, that he’d seen Nancy at the docks the day we came back from America.’

  Eddy took a deep breath, and Alice was crying properly now.

  ‘He also told me that both of you saw Nancy that day, too.’

  They stood in front of her like naughty children with their heads bowed. Maud could see Eddy’s tousled locks sticking out all over the place, and Alice put a hand up to wipe her eyes.

  ‘I asked you about Nancy a number of times. You didn’t even tell me that you’d seen her, never mind that she was pregnant.’

  ‘It was my fault,’ stated Eddy, holding up her hand. ‘I was the one who saw her first, and shushed Alfred and then Alice.’

  ‘But I would have done the same,’ said Alice, immediately. ‘It wouldn’t have made any difference, it could have been either of us.’

  ‘But why?’ cried Maud, her voice breaking.

  ‘You were so thin and ill-looking when you got off that ship,’ said Eddy. ‘I was just worried about giving you a shock, that’s all.’

  ‘But I was soon recovered from seasickness. You could have told me later – you could have told me at any time.’

  ‘I suppose so,’ offered Alice. ‘But I think we both hoped that there’d been some mix-up, that we’d been mistaken. Yes, Nancy was pregnant, but that didn’t necessarily mean that Harry was the father.’

  Eddy cleared her throat. ‘When I saw her waiting at the docks, first of all I thought, uh oh, Millicent Langtry must have overheard me telling Miss Merryweather about Maud coming home, and here’s Nancy wanting to stir up trouble as soon as she’s back. But then, she stared right through me and she didn’t make any move in your direction. It was like she was looking beyond us, waiting for someone else to come off the ship. So it all seemed strange, and I couldn’t help but put two and two together. After all, before Harry was courting you I’d seen him out and about with Nancy. So, here she was … pregnant. But then I reckoned up the amount of time you’d been away, and the months that Harry had courted you before you married, and it didn’t tally. He couldn’t be the father of her baby, not unless he’d … well, he’d been seeing her in between times … and we still don’t know if that is the case, do we?’

  ‘Except that the baby has his black hair and his features,’ said Maud, flatly.

  ‘Are you sure?’

  Maud pressed her lips together firmly and then she lifted her head. ‘Yes, I’m as sure as anyone can be that the baby is Harry’s.’

  ‘So that means that Harry must have—’

  ‘Shush, Eddy,’ called Alice, nudging her friend with her elbow.

  ‘Yes,’ said Maud, firmly, ‘it means that Harry must have slept with Nancy during the time that we were courting. When I was all excited about the wedding and going to America and being a proper family with him and Alfred.’

  ‘Oh, Maud,’ sobbed Alice, ‘this is so awful. And we are so sorry that we didn’t tell you everything before now.’

  Eddy was nodding violently. ‘There is no real excuse, but once you were recovered you were so happy and excited and waiting for him to come home – in the end, too much time had gone by, and we couldn’t say anything.’

  Maud sighed heavily and slumped on the bench for a few moments. Then she lifted her head. ‘Well, I knew you two were keeping something from me. Neither of you are very good liars.’

  Alice and Eddy exchanged a glance.

  ‘Oh, just come and sit down, will you?’ she said at last, patting the bench on either side of her. ‘I’ve had a terrible day, and I need you both. I can’t stand this. You’re not the ones who’ve caused the trouble, you just tried to protect me from it. Of course I can forgive you.’

  Alice started to cry even more and Eddy threw herself down on the bench, grabbing Maud and pulling her close.

  ‘Come on, Alice, come and sit down,’ urged Maud, ‘before she smothers me or something.’

  Alice sniffed loudly and wiped her eyes, and then she was next to Maud on the bench.

  Even though she was drained of everything, Maud felt such ease from having both her friends close by. And as she sat there, feeling the warmth of Eddy and Alice, one on each side, there was no need for words. Even Eddy was quiet as they listened to the murmur of voices inside the house and the sounds of the city beyond the back gate. Maud began, at last, to feel some easing of the pressure that she’d held tight inside her. She felt that she could breathe more easily and allow her body to relax a little. That’s when a thought came to her, fully formed, and she knew exactly what she needed to do next.

  ‘I’m going to ask Miss Merryweather if I can move back into the Nurses’ Home,’ she quietly announced.

  ‘Ooh,’ said Eddy, turning to her with both eyebrows raised. ‘That sounds like a good idea. In fact, I’ve been thinking of moving back in myself. That rented room I’ve got isn’t quite far enough away from some of my patients. One fella keeps coming and shouting up to me in the early hours of the morning – Nurse Pacey, Nurse Pacey. I mean, of course I want to do my best for them, but I do need to get some sleep.’

  ‘Oh, Eddy,’ laughed Alice, ‘of course you need to get some sleep. Is that the same man who followed you down the street, pretending to have a bad leg?’

  ‘The very same … now he thinks he’s got consumption, but his chest’s as clear as a bell. And his breathing can’t be that bad if he can shout up to my bedroom window in the middle of the night.’

  Alice guffawed with laughter.

  ‘It would be nice if you came too, Eddy,’ said Maud quietly. ‘But do you think there’ll be any spare rooms in the Nurses’ Home?’

  ‘There are some at present,’ said Alice. ‘Sister Fox and Sister Law have been weeding out the new recruits.’

  ‘It would be just like old times,’ mused Eddy.

  ‘But that means I’ll be here on my own,’ murmured Alice, sounding a little forlorn.

  Maud took her hand. ‘It would be the best thing in the world if you could move back in as well, Alice. But you couldn’t bring Victoria with you, could you?’

  ‘No, of course not. I was just having a pang for the old days, that’s all.’

  ‘But we can still meet up with you after work. And we can visit you here as well, Alice,’ offered Eddy.

  ‘Yes, of course,’ said Alice. ‘Don’t pay any attention to me. Times have moved on for all of us since we were probationers.’

  Maud nodded, lost in her thoughts again. Yesterday she was so sure of the direction her life was taking, but now it all felt like one big tangled mess. Except, of course, for her work – she was still sure of that.

  ‘Oh, Alice,’ she said, pulling out the silk flower from her pocket, ‘look at this. I had a visit from Sue this afternoon …’

  After Maud had told the story, and Eddy had stretched and told them it was time to make tracks, Alice heard the whimpering cry of Victoria and went straight in to check on her. Maud, left in the backyard alone, knew that it was time to go inside, but she didn’t want to leave just yet, dreading the thought of going to bed. She could already feel her thoughts creeping back to the events of the day, so she made every effort to go over the details of her current surgical cases, and then she put her hand in her pocket and felt the silk flower and thought about the smile that Sue Cassidy had given her. But her mind and body were exhausted and, inevitably, even though the nights were too cold now for the moths to be out, it was as if she could still hear their tap, tap against the glass whilst her thoughts returned, over and over, to the moment she saw Harry’s face when he caught sight of Nancy with the baby in her arms.

  13

  ‘What is it to feel a calling for anything? Is it not to do your work in it to satisfy your own high idea of what is the right, the best, and not because you
will be “found out” if you don’t do it?’

  Florence Nightingale

  Maud woke at four again the next morning. She sat up in bed, with her heart pounding and tears stinging her eyes, and for a split second all she knew was that she had been hurt, badly hurt. And then the reality of what had happened swept over her and she felt a cold shiver go through her body. She knew that there was no chance she would go back to sleep. It was even colder now in Alice’s room, and she could hear rain on the window. And even though she could hear the steady rhythm of Alice’s breathing, and she knew that she could easily slip into bed beside her, still she felt like she was all alone in the world.

  She reached for the stub of her candle, made herself move, get up. There was nothing else that she could do to try and stop the thoughts that were running through her mind. As soon as she was dressed, she went through to the kitchen and lit the oil lamp. She would rake out the ashes of the fire and get it going. Try to make some warmth.

  As Maud riddled the cold embers in the grate, she saw the blackened metal remains of the pocket watch. She was surprised at how little she felt as she shovelled it up with the rest of the grey ash and disposed of it. She sighed. The sorrow was still there, like a hard lump in her chest, but she seemed to have completely used up the means to express it. Marie had left some newspaper and kindling next to the stove, as always, so she made use of it and soon had some flickering light from the flames that made shadows on the walls. She raised her palms in front of the fire, trying to draw in the first meagre glimmers of warmth.

  Finding her pad and pen, Maud pulled out a chair at the kitchen table and set to work on a written plan – listing what she needed to do, the items that she would take, and who she would need to see – to move back into the Nurses’ Home. She’d already settled the money owed for board and lodgings with Marie, but she would need to plan carefully to be able to cover the expense of the move and make sure that Alfred had all that he needed, too. As she wrote with her new pen, Maud glimpsed the thin wedding band on her finger. She felt nothing more than a dull ache in the pit of her stomach as she slipped it off, without ceremony, and made to throw it to the back of the fire. But something stopped her. She didn’t even know what it was – maybe the whisper of some misplaced sentimentality – but whatever it was made her push the ring into the case where she kept her pen and snap it shut.