by Andy Stanton
‘No? Then how about you, Vesuvius? Kill me like you are squashing an ant beneath your sandal! You can even get a giant sandal if you want and stand on me and call me an ant while you do it, I don’t care! Or you, Orticus. Kill me up, slice me from top to bottom like one of your pigs for market!
‘Perhaps you, Bellonicus? Pop my head like a grape, why don’t you? Roscoe Paracetamol! Want to have a go? You’re supposed to be such a mighty soldier, come on then, show us how it’s done! Or you, Harry Neptune. Crack my head open as if you are shelling a peanut, mmm, tasty!
‘Kill me, everyone! Kill me, Pompeii! Kill me a thousand times over, kill me ten thousand times over! Splam me up! Do me in! End my days! Shove me off! Stop my clock! Run me through! KILL ME, POMPEII! FOR I AM EVERYTHING THAT YOU SEEK TO DESTROY TODAY!’
And then Slavius said no more, but simply put his face in his hands and wept, not for himself, but for the madness of the crowd and things.
‘All right, all right,’ said Caecilius, who like everyone else had listened to this extraordinary speech in some amazement. ‘Calm down, Slavius, what on earth’s got into you. We won’t do any of those duels then, if you feel so strongly about it.’
‘Thanks,’ said Slavius. ‘Hey, can we get some food, I’m starving?’
‘Not right now,’ said Caecilius. ‘I’ll get you a sandwich or something back at the villa.’
‘What, not eat?’ cried Slavius, falling at his master’s feet and tearing his toga open to expose his bare chest. ‘Then kill me! Kill me now, Caecilius, for though I am merely a slave, I would rather die than go hungry a second longer! Here, grab that rock over there and pound the very life from my skull! Kill me now, Caecilius, kill me where I kneel! Ki – ’
‘Slavius,’ frowned Caecilius. ‘Don’t push it.’
‘Citizens of Pompeii,’ said Caecilius. ‘It has taken the lowest and smelliest amongst us to divert us from this course of destruction and we should be humbled.’
‘We are,’ moaned the crowd. ‘Oh, how we are humbled.’
‘We have learned our lesson,’ said Caecilius, helping Slavius to his feet. ‘We are truly grateful, each and every –’
A poo went whizzing past Caecilius’s ear.
‘Well, nearly each and every one of us is grateful,’ said Caecilius. ‘Sugarpuffs, stop that at once, no one is impressed. Now, what shall we do to make sure this never happens again?’
‘Let us make duels to the death illegal from this moment on!’ shouted Hortus. ‘Take it to the vote!’
‘An excellent notion,’ said Caecilius. ‘All of those in favour – say “aye”! Now all of those against, say “nay”! The vote is passed! For despite Atrium’s insatiable lust for violence and revenge –’
‘Hey!’ shouted Atrium.
‘Despite that, wiser heads have prevailed.’
‘And we should make Slavius a free boy!’ shouted Harry Neptune. ‘For he alone has saved all of us, he save every one of us, he save every one of us, every man, every woman, every peanut, Flash!’
‘Yes, release the lad from his servitude!’ agreed Bellonicus. ‘Take it to the vote, Caecilius!’
‘An excellent notion,’ said Caecilius. ‘All in favour of making Slavius a free boy, say “aye”! Now, all those who are against the idea – say “nay”! OK, let me just do a few quick sums on my fingers . . . Well, Slavius, it was extremely close, but in the end the idea was voted down. You’re still a slave, I’m afraid.’
‘Bad luck, Slavius,’ said Filius. ‘Here, lick my sandal clean, there’s a tiny spot of dirt on it.’
And so Caecilius and Vesuvius and Filius and Barkus Wooferincum stood proudly upon the forum steps while Slavius knelt in the dust, licking Filius’s sandal clean, and all was well in the city of Pompeii. Caecilius declared a national holiday and somehow everyone in all the other towns and countries heard him declare it, so the whole of the Holy Roman Empire did nothing that afternoon but laze around in the sun swallowing farts and drinking wine, not the children, they weren’t allowed wine, of course, except Sugarpuffs managed to climb into a barrel of the stuff and spent the rest of the day completely drunk and trying to fight a building.
And as afternoon turned to evening and evening to night, there was great rejoicing in the forum amongst Paninis and non-Paninis alike.
And the moon rose, big and bright and full, and they all felt very small beneath it. And Bobbling Ed gazed down upon the people of Pompeii, and there they all sat, looking up at him and thinking about all the trouble he had caused them and all the lessons they had ended up learning.
‘Ah, ’Suvie,’ sighed Caecilius, stroking his wife’s hair fondly. ‘What a day it’s been. But despite all the heartache and worry, I think we have emerged as better, wiser people, especially me, you did OK, Vesuvius – but I really improved my character and I am now one of the wisest and most spectacular men on earth. For the moral of Ancient Pompeii is this,’ he continued, drawing Vesuvius’s face to his and planting a tender kiss on his wife’s lips. ‘“Let us mend our differences not with swords – but with love”.’
THE EN–
‘Hang on a minute,’ said Atrium. ‘I’ve just thought of something.’
‘Can’t you see we’re having a romantic moment, Atrium?’ said Vesuvius. ‘Give a married couple some peace, why don’t you?’
‘Yes, but –’ said Atrium. ‘Look, it’s a full moon tonight, right?’
‘What of it?’ said Caecilius.
‘Well, how come you didn’t turn into the ma-wol-n-f again, Caecilius?’ said Atrium.
‘I don’t know,’ shrugged Caecilius. ‘I just didn’t. I don’t turn into the ma-wol-n-f every time there’s a full moon, you know.’
‘But does it have to be a full moon for it to happen in the first place?’ said Atrium.
‘Yes,’ said Caecilius.
‘But it doesn’t happen every full moon?’
‘No,’ said Caecilius. ‘Sometimes it does and sometimes it doesn’t. There’s not really any rule to it as far as I can see.’
‘Why not?’ frowned Atrium. ‘It doesn’t make sense.’
‘Drat and figs, man!’ said Caecilius. ‘Leave us alone. For the moral of Ancient Pompeii is this: “Shut up, Atrium, no one cares what you think”.’
THE END
LEARN LATIN WITH CAECILIUS
Salve, everyoneicus! Did you enjoy those stories about me and my family and my friends and that idiot, Atrium? Of course you did, you’re only human. But the astonishing truth is that all those stories actually happened not in ‘English’, whatever that is – but in ‘Latin’, which is what we speak here in Ancient Pompeii. And now it is time to learn Latin with me, because not only am I a fart merchant, I am a powerful teacher of languages and I have got one of those little hats with a dangly bit which tickles your nose to prove it.
First you will need to learn some basic words and phrases. So – let’s get started!
Hello
Salve
Goodbye
Vale
Hello again
Salve iterum
Goodbye again
Iterum vale
Hey, how come when I typed ‘hello again’ into Google Translate it put the ‘salve’ bit first and the ‘iterum’ bit second, but when I typed ‘goodbye again’ it put the ‘iterum’ bit first and the ‘salve’ bit second? Heus tu, quam cum typus ‘salve iterum’ in Google Translate et pone ‘salve’ mortes primo et ‘iterum’ aliquantulus secundus, sed quando ego typed in ‘vale iterum’ et pone ‘iterum’ aliquantulus prima et ‘salve’ secundam partem?
Languages are weird
Linguae sunt cerritulus
Oh no, I’ve hit the wrong button, I think it’s doing German now
Oh nein, ich habe den falschen Knopf gedrückt, ich denke es macht jetzt Deutsch
Drat and figs! Now it’s doing Portuguese
Drat e figos! Agora está fazendo Português
Hang on a minute, let me fix this
Espere u
m minuto, deixe-me corrigir isso
Oops
How do you work this thing?
Vesuvius, can you give me a hand? It’s all going a bit wrong
Vesuvius?
Vesuvius?
Vesuvius!
Where is that woman?
I’m glad we don’t really have computers in Ancient Pompeii, they’re a complete waste of time
Chinese words look a bit like ‘Shreddies’, don’t they?
VESUVIUS!
Forget it, I’m going to bed
Read all of Andy Stanton’s books!
You’re a Bad Man, MR GUM!
MR GUM and the Biscuit Billionaire
MR GUM and the Goblins
MR GUM and the Power Crystals
MR GUM and the Dancing Bear
What’s for Dinner, MR GUM?
MR GUM and the Cherry Tree
MR GUM and the Secret Hideout
NATBOFF! One Million
Years of Stupidity
PRAISE FOR MR GUM
‘Funny? You bet.’ Guardian
‘Andy Stanton accumulates silliness and jokes in an irresistible, laughter-inducing romp.’ Sunday Times
‘It’s hilarious, it’s brilliant . . . Stanton’s the Guv’nor, The Boss.’ Danny Baker, BBC London Radio
‘It provoked long and painful belly laughs from my daughter, who is eight.’ Daily Telegraph
‘They’re the funniest books . . . I can’t recommend them enough.’ Stephen Mangan
‘They are brilliant.’ Zoe Ball, Radio 2
‘Funniest book I have ever and will ever read . . . When I read this to my mum she burst out laughing and nearly wet herself.’ Bryony, aged 8
‘Smooky palooki! This book is well brilliant.’ Jeremy Strong
PRAISE FOR NATBOFF!
‘A delectably silly romp’ Guardian - Best Books of 2018