by Chelle Bliss
Me: I’m sorry I’ve been such a dick.
I didn’t know what else to say to her—how to express my sorrow for my behavior the last few weeks. The only thing I could do is stay sober. It’s easier to do being with Sophia. She had no liquor in the house, maybe by design, and she lived in the middle of nowhere. I had no form of transportation when she worked, and there are no stores within walking distance.
Me: Anyway… I think I’m going to wash our clothes from the weekend. Is that okay?
Sophia: Hell yes. Hang your clothes up in my closet when you’re done. What’s mine is yours, Kayden.
Me: Be back in a bit.
Sophia: I have to get back to the kids anyway.
I washed clothes and cleaned her room while waiting for her. I checked out the pantry and fridge to see what I could make for dinner, at least I could help out around the house and help keep her fed. Thankfully, Sophia didn’t have to work late, giving us hours together in the evening.
Dinner simmered on the stove when Sophia walked through the door a little after three. She walked into her room, dropped her bags, and crawled into bed with me.
“What have you been doing?” she asked.
“Washed all the clothes, cleaned your bathroom, straightened up the room a bit, got dinner started, and waited for you,” I replied.
“Wow, thanks. I’ve been a little pre-occupied lately. That leaves more time for just us,” she said, snuggling her face into my neck.
We spent the evening in bed, shutting the world out. Sophia fell asleep early, but I didn’t have the heart to wake her. Her soft breaths and tiny snores made me chuckle. I’d never heard her snore before tonight. I brushed the hair away from her face, staring at her perfection. Holding her closer, I kissed her eyes, smelling her.
A knock sounded at the door, but Sophia didn’t move.
“Come in,” I said quietly.
The door opened slowly and a ragged Suzy appeared. “I’m so sick; I just wanted to let you know that I’m not going to work tomorrow.”
“Okay, Suzy. If you need anything just text me, this little one is out for the evening,” I said looking down at Sophia.
“She’s sleeps like a rock. I’m going to bed and I’ll see you in the morning, God willing.” Suzy closed the door.
I picked up my tablet and snapped pictures of Sophia asleep in my arms. I didn’t want a posed picture, but something pure and honest. She looked like a child wrapped in my arms. Her innocence drew me to her, the pull stronger now than ever before.
I slowly moved her off of me, she didn’t even stir. I’ve never seen someone sleep so soundly. I turned off the lights and crawled back in bed. I found a peace in Sophia’s arms unlike any other I’ve experienced.
Sophia left for work early the next morning, and I took care of Suzy. I brought her soup and ice water in bed, making sure she didn’t get up for anything; thankful that she allowed me to stay with them. I wanted to help them in every way possible. They had given me a roof over my head when I needed it most, and had nowhere else to turn.
We fell into a pattern; Suzy, Sophia, and I. I often cooked dinner, and the three of us ate together. Some evenings we played cards and watched movies. We became a threesome, not sexually, but friendship.
Suzy gave us our privacy, but we included her as much as possible. Sometimes she’d lie on the bed with us and talk. Sophia and I were both older, and she used the opportunity to pick our brains about love and life. Why she chose us to ask, I’ll never understand. Sophia and I had failed miserably before finding each other; we could only offer her advice on what not to do. She became like a little sister, filled with questions, looking to me for answers.
Days turned into weeks, panic began to fill me.
Hands Off
“What happens if you don’t pay a restitution payment?” I asked.
“Well, they could issue a warrant for my arrest, but I don’t know how likely that is.”
“And then what?”
“If a warrant is issued then I’d have to go in front of a judge and probably have to serve a one year jail term,” he said picking at a piece of paper sitting on the table.
Did I want him to take that chance? I’d be heartbroken if someone ripped him from my life. I couldn’t let that happen to him.
“I’ll lend you the money to pay it.”
“No, Sophia. It’s too much money. You’ve already done so much for me,” he said.
“Kayden, we’re a team. If you go to jail what good would that do me? I’d be lost without you. I’ll make the payment and when you get your job back soon, you can pay me back.” Sounded reasonable to me, I just prayed he would accept.
He seemed to be thinking about my proposition. He always thought so carefully about everything before answering my questions when they dealt with money. He rested his head in the palms of his hands, rubbing his eyes slowly. “Okay, Sophia. Just this one payment, as soon as I’m back to work I’ll pay you for everything.” He blew out a breath; he looked physically pained by accepting my money.
I didn’t have much money, but I had enough to help Kayden through this time. We were a team and I know he would have done the same for me. He didn’t like to ask for help or rely on anyone but himself.
We drove to the grocery store and purchased a money order to send in to the probation department. He’d notified his probation officer weeks ago about work, but he didn’t seem too sympathetic; I’m sure he hears a load of bullshit every day. I filled out the money order for two reasons, I didn’t want them to think Kayden had the means to pay, and mostly because I wanted that bitch to see my name on the check. I wanted her to know that he’s mine, and only mine. She had no claim on him, no pull over him anymore. I wanted her to choke when she opened the envelope.
I knew he had a deep love for her before I met him. When we first started chatting and he’d sworn off women, he was still in love with her. He was mad at her, yes, but they had still seen each other after his arrest. They carried on for months before he left for New Orleans. She even flew there to visit him. She had power over him. I’d be a liar if I didn’t say she worried me at times. Would he leave me for her when this was all over? Sometimes we forget the past when the love is strong enough. Was I pretty enough, good enough in bed or wild enough for him? I was a boring school librarian that led life on the straight and narrow. He was the rebel, always doing things against the norm and breaking rules.
A week later the bitch crawled out of the woodwork, she finally received her money.
“Lisa sent me a message today. She received the restitution payment,” he said, as I walked through the door after work.
“When did she send the message?” I asked Kayden.
“It was on my phone when I woke up,” he replied.
“What did she say?” I asked, not sure if I really wanted to know the answer.
Kayden handed me the phone and the message was on the screen.
Tammy: Your girlfriend pays your restitution? My boyfriend paid for my boob job, a new car, and a cruise. Don’t be a douchebag. You’ve done enough to my family and me. Stop being hateful Kayden.
That’s the pot calling the kettle black. She was so vile and hateful. I didn’t bat an eyelash when I filled out the money order; I knew it would piss her off and hopefully drive a dagger through her blackened heart. I felt satisfied in this moment.
Viper
Lisa must have felt guilty about her message regarding the restitution, because she messaged me the next day. What the fuck was I going to do about her? She wouldn’t leave me alone. I always knew she wasn’t mentally balanced, but I thought she’d forget about me and move the fuck on.
How was I supposed to handle the barrage of messages and her begging me to come back? I didn’t want the bitch, but she just didn’t seem to get the hint. I couldn’t ignore her messages anymore, even though that’s what Sophia asked me to do. I needed to get this rotten bitch out of my life; she needed to understand she meant nothing to me.
Her mental stability had always been questionable during out relationship, but since my arrest, it had been answered in my mind. She was bat shit crazy.
Me: You’re good at acting first and then claiming you didn’t mean it later, Lisa. I thought you ruined my life forever, but then Sophia rescued me. She is everything you’re not.
Tammy: You can’t really love her, Kayden. You said you’d be mine forever.
Me: That love died a long time ago. You made sure to stomp on my heart, but you didn’t kill my capacity to love.
Tammy: Do you still have my name tattooed on you?
I looked down at my finger, her name in faded gray ink across my ring finger. She talked me into it, wanted me to prove my love.
Me: No.
Tammy: Liar. I saw a picture of you on your Facebook page and I could still see it on your finger. You wouldn’t have my name on you if you didn’t still love me.
Me: You made me get it, Lisa. You hounded me for weeks. It’s faded and small, and I’m working on getting it removed. I don’t want a daily reminder of you.
Tammy: How can you be so cruel? We’re meant to be together. You can’t deny destiny.
How can I be so cruel? She’s such a whacko bitch. Can she be serious? I was the one arrested and lost everything to my name. I wanted to hurt her like she hurt me.
Me: You’re delusional. We are through and have been for over a year. Move on. Leave me alone. I love Sophia.
Tammy: You’ll see you’re wrong. You can’t possibly believe what you say. We had amazing passion and chemistry.
Me: Chemistry and passion? It was more lust and mind games. I’m done Lisa. Leave me alone… us alone.
Tammy: We’ll never be through Kayden.
Sophia would be furious if she knew I responded to Lisa. She worried that Lisa would take the conversations to my probation officer and have me arrested, but I knew Lisa better than that. If I went to jail, she wouldn’t get another fucking dime from me. Lisa only cared about money, always did and always fucking would. For now the harassment that I endured through instant messenger would stay my secret, for the sake of my relationship with Sophia.
My hope vanished. I’m fucking crushed. The background company completed their assessment and deemed me high risk for the company. I worked my ass off for that company, seven days a week for months. No one in my local office was willing to make a call to corporate to help. Fuck them. What in the hell am I going to do now? I owed Sophia money, lived in company housing, and had a fucked up criminal record. Would anyone hire me?
It’s a black mark in my life that I can’t escape… until my probation is complete. The judge did say that my record would be cleared. I needed to find something, anything, to pay the remaining restitution and permanently wipe her from my life.
I spent the next month applying every place imaginable; job application after fucking job application, what a pain in the ass. Every single one wanted to know about my criminal record and I answered honestly, but I knew I was doomed as soon as I hit send. I wish I could grab this shitty black cloud following me around and piss on it.
Another payment was due and I swallowed my pride, placing a call to my probation officer. He didn’t seem to believe me, but said that he would give me extra time. I needed to get proof of my termination and send it to him. I needed to submit a list of companies I had applied to, to show him I wasn’t just sitting on my ass avoiding paying that bitch back.
The holidays were closing in fast and all I wanted was a drink. Every day was a struggle for me, it called to me, every fucking day, it called to me. I needed to work; the idleness of my life had become mind numbing.
So much in my life was up in the air. Would I be able stay in Florida with Sophia? I couldn’t return to New Orleans without a job in place. I tried to live in the present and not worry about the future as Sophia had asked.
She told me, “Everything has a way of working out in the end.” I loved her for her optimism and blinders when it came to the harsh reality of the legal system.
The Holidays
Thanksgiving had arrived. I spent the day combing through ads and mapping out our plan of attack. Kayden never shopped on Black Friday; I wanted him to experience the frenzy first hand. We had limited funds, and I wanted to get as much as we could for our family Christmas gifts. After dinner I grabbed our list and Kayden and I made it to our first stop.
“I can’t believe how insane people are,” Kayden said, as people were fighting and throwing video games across the aisle.
“This is pretty tame compared to some of the sales. You’ll see,” I told him, moving with the crowd.
He looked lost. “They don’t have the game we’re looking for. What are we going to do now?” he asked me.
We made our way through the store, trying to find the exit.
“The next store has them, too, and they haven’t opened yet. Let’s head there and get in line,” I told him as we walked outside.
“I’ve never seen people act like this,” he said, shaking his head and laughing.
“Just wait, we’ll be lucky to get half of our list tonight.”
As we pulled into the second store, we saw a line that stretched around the entire building.
“What the fuck? Is that the line?” Kayden said in disbelief, noticing the line dotting the landscape.
“Yes, the store doesn’t open for another hour, so we better get in line quick before we’re too far back to get anything good,” I said to him as I searched for a parking spot.
“Do you think we’ll get anything at this store?” he asked me.
“Yeah, we’ll get some of it,” I told him.
We waited for the hour and passed the time talking to and holding each other. Over the last week the air in Florida had turned chilly. Kayden warmed my fingers between his hands and I buried my face in his neck. His smell and warmth were intoxicating.
“Oh, the line is moving,” Kayden said letting go of my hands.
“Finally... You go for the video games and gadgets and I’ll head for the other stuff,” I said to him. “We may do better if we divide and conquer.”
As I walked around the store, almost everything I wanted was snapped up before I could grab it. I threw the few items I was able to find in my cart and texted Kayden.
Me: Where are you?
Kayden: Still in the electronics area. I’m stuck with a woman that won’t stop talking. Save me!
He looked like a trapped animal, I watched from a distance as he tried to be polite. Kayden made his way through the crowd and found me in the main aisle waiting for him.
He was very patient during the night as I dragged him from store to store. The night had a somber feel at times. Kayden didn’t have the money to buy gifts, but I gave him as much as I could to help him buy what he needed. We were exhausted by the end of the night, mentally and physically. Tomorrow we were having Thanksgiving dinner with Suzy’s family; they did things a bit backwards at times. I worried about Kayden though; alcohol would be part of the meal. He said he had it under control and wouldn’t drink more than anyone else.
He held true to his word during our post-Thanksgiving dinner with Suzy’s family, only having two beers. We excused ourselves after a card game, going into our room to give the family some private time together. Neither of us had fully recovered from shopping, and the liquor made me sleepy. It was a perfect day, and I was thankful to have shared it with Kayden.
The holidays were going to be hard for him, I knew it would be. He’s had disappointments in his life and demons haunted him, personal ones that I couldn’t rescue him from. Something usually triggered his drinking—a memory or an event that sent him straight for the bottle. I wanted him to turn to me for help and understanding, not vodka.
It wasn’t the Christmas we both imagined. Kayden made breakfast for Suzy and I, he lit the Christmas tree lights, and had car
ols playing on the radio. The house smelled of cinnamon, vanilla, and bacon. He made the morning festive for the three of us. We cleaned up the kitchen and crawled back in bed to watch a montage of Christmas movies classics.
Kayden and I had the house to ourselves after Suzy left for her dinner at her parent’s house.
“Do you want to open gifts first or have dinner?” Kayden asked after we finished the Christmas movie marathon.
“You got me a gift?” I asked stunned.
“I have a couple things for you.”
I loved gifts and surprises even more. “Dinner then gifts,” I replied clapping my hands in excitement.
“Anything you want, beautiful,” he said kissing me on the lips.
I watched him from the countertop stool while Kayden prepared a feast for us. He was so meticulous when chopping and prepping his ingredients and I was growing impatient. Thank heavens the meal was a simple one; steak covered in sautéed mushrooms and onions with baked potatoes. I set the table and lit candles when he put the steaks on the grill. I turned the radio on to have a little background music, the setting was romantic.
We ate our dinner and talked about our trip we would be making tomorrow. Kayden’s company would be closing the company apartment before the first and we needed to collect his things. He would be saying goodbye to New Orleans. It added a somber tone to the evening, but we were both looking forward to returning to where we first began.
“Let’s go open gifts and we’ll clean this all up later,” I said smiling at him.
“Okay, baby doll,” he said standing from his chair holding out his hand for me.
I grabbed his hand and held it tightly as we walked to the bedroom. We crawled on the bed for the gift exchange. “I’ll give you yours first,” I said.
I handed him two packages to open. They were practical gifts that I knew he needed, a beautiful sweater that would bring out the green in his eyes and keep him warm during the cool Florida winter and a pair of tennis shoes. I had seen him looking at them a couple months ago since he only had sandals and work boots in his wardrobe.