by Marilyn Lee
"Then why the hell are you wasting so much of my time talking about her?"
I stared at him. "For two cents, I'd knock you on your ass."
"Look, Johnny, get real. It doesn't matter if you call her cher or sheenea. You're in love with her."
"Are you out of your mind? I'm not some silly teenager who equates great sex with love. Just because I lost my head with her doesn't mean I'm in love with her. Hell, in case you've forgotten, I don't do love. I do lust and mild affection but not love."
"Maybe you didn't before, but you do now. I think you need to give yourself a few days to let the idea that you're in love for the first time gel and then provided she hasn't decided to write your ass off and continue her pursuit of the doctor, I think you'd better get your ass in gear and go see her.
"Better yet, send her flowers and a note apologizing and telling her you'll see her in a few days."
I stared at him, while I silently acknowledged that I had no desire to wait a few days before I saw her again. Hell, I didn't even want to wait a few hours. I wanted to see her ASAP. I rose, removed my cell phone from the holster at my waist, and walked out on to the balcony. Ignoring Shane's self-satisfied smile, I closed the door, turned my back to him, and dialed her number.
Of course the way things had been going since I met her, she probably wouldn't even take my call. My relief when I heard her voice in my ear was almost palpable.
"Hello."
"Amber."
"Yes, John?"
She didn't sound particularly pleased to hear from me. I knew it was my fault but I missed the sassy, confident woman who had taken me from friendship to lust in a matter of minutes and who made Johnny mine sound like a sweet endearment. "We need to talk."
"So talk."
"I meant in person. Can I come see you?"
"No."
Shit. "Why not?"
"Because we have nothing to say to each other, John."
"You may have nothing to say to me but I have plenty I need and want to say to you."
"Either you say what you need to over the phone or I'm not interested in hearing it."
What the fuck? Was she telling me I'd blown it for good? "Look, Amber we need to talk."
"The last time we did, you walked out on me. That said all I need or want to hear from you."
"I'm on my way to see you. I promise all I'll do is talk."
"Don't come."
"I am coming."
"You might want to rethink your stance, John. One of my brothers is here and—"
I took a deep breath. "You called your brother? Why? Are you afraid of me?"
"No."
"Then why did you call him? Do you feel as if I forced sex on you, Amber?"
"No!"
Thank God for the conviction I heard in her voice. "Then why did you call him?"
"I don't owe you an explanation for why I called him. All you need to know is that he's here."
"Am I going to have a problem with him?"
"You will if you think you can make me see you when I've already told you I don't want to see or talk to you."
"I have no beef with your brother—"
"He'll have one with you."
"Then that will be a problem we'll have to settle between us. Make no mistake, Amber, I'm not afraid of your brother."
"Well he damned sure won't be afraid of you either, John."
"I don't want him to be. I just want him to stay the fuck out of our relationship."
"Excuse me? We were stupid enough to have unprotected sex three times. You treated me like a whore and then you walked out on me. We don't have a relationship."
Her words stung…hell. They hurt. She was the last woman I wanted to feel as if I'd treated her like a whore. "I'm sorry you feel that way, Amber. That was not my intention. I don't know how things went so awry. When we met, I wanted to be friends. I'm not sure what the hell happened but I know I do not think of you as easy and I damned sure don't think you're a whore."
I paced the balcony. "I'm aware that I fucked up more than once. I know you were right to insist I behave in a more sexually responsible way. I shouldn't have walked out."
"Why did you?"
I hesitated. If I admitted the truth, she'd know I was in over my head with her. If I didn't, I might find it impossible to repair the damage I'd done. "I felt as if you were using my feelings against me," I admitted.
"By feelings you mean your desire to continue to have unprotected sex?"
"No! That's not what I mean! Why the fuck won't you give me a damn break, Amber? I readily admit I screwed up more than once. I've done the only thing I can, apologize. Why are you so damned determined to emasculate me?"
I heard her catch her breath. "If that's what you think I'm trying to do, you should be glad it's over."
"It's not over."
"It is for me, John."
"Amber—"
And damn if she didn't end the conversation decisively by hanging up on me.
I clipped my phone to my waist and ran my hands through my hair. She'd sounded serious. The thought of not seeing a woman I'd only met two nights earlier again shouldn't have sent me into a near panic.
Fuck, you screwed up, Reddorn. I took several slow, deep breaths. They didn't help. I still felt as if…hell. I wasn't sure what I felt. I just knew I needed to see her to make things right. If I had to go through her brother to do it—so be it.
I turned and found myself facing Shane, who had quietly come out onto the balcony. I stared at him. "How long have you been standing there? Were you listening to my conversation?"
He nodded.
Infuriated, I curled my right hand into a fist.
He reached down to grip my wrist in an effort to keep my hand at my side. "If you're about to hit me, you should also be able to admit that she's important to you, Johnny. And if she is, you need to take a step back, get yourself under control and then regroup.
"Storming over there insisting she see you and forcing a confrontation with her brother isn't going to earn you any points. You're angry and she's probably hurt. You both need a little time to cool off."
I knew he was right but that didn't alleviate the urge to deck him. I jerked my wrist free.
He danced back and held his hands up, palms outward. "Get a damn grip, Johnny. I know you're angry and probably hurt, but you are not decking me."
I took a deep breath and stepped around him.
He again followed me into his living room. "Don't leave angry."
"Fuck off, Shane!"
"John!" He gripped my shoulders and swung me around. "You're behaving like Jonny. Shouldn't that tell you all you need to know about how you really feel about her? Hell, you're probably behaving worse than Jonny would in this situation. If he insisted he felt nothing special for a woman, he'd move the fuck on."
"Shane—"
"Think about what advice you'd give him in this situation and then take it. We both know you'd tie his ass down if he insisted on forcing a confrontation with a woman who asked him to leave her alone. Some people might call that harassment."
I unclenched my hand and shook my head. "I don't know what the fuck she's done to me."
"Don't you, John? Sounds like you might need to be prepared to make some big admissions to get her to see you again."
"I am not in love with her!" I insisted.
"Then move the fuck on and leave her alone!"
I walked over to the loveseat and sank down into it. I shook my head.
"Why? Because you don't want to or—"
"I can't," I admitted. "I can't. Satisfied, Shane?"
He nodded and sat beside me. "Yes. Now that it's out in the open, we can deal with it and get you back in her good graces and more importantly, in her arms."
Just the thought of feeling her arms around me even if it didn't lead to sex excited me. Yeah. I had it bad.
Chapter Eight
Amber
I was shaken and near tears when I hung up on John after Darkwater left. I
paced my living room. If John showed up, I wasn't sure I could remain firm and refuse to see him. I wanted to call Darkwater and ask him to come back immediately. But if I did and John showed up, it would take an act of God to keep Darkwater from getting physical.
I didn't call and prayed John would stay away. Conversely, when he did, I felt vindicated in my belief that he thought of me as an easy lay he didn't need to extend himself to appease.
While I sat in the living room trying to decide what to do with myself until it was time for Darkwater to pick me up, my phone rang. I picked up my cellphone and looked at the screen. S. Drake
I answered it. "Hi, Sher."
"Hi, Am. I hope I'm not interrupting anything but I wanted to see how you were."
"Lousy, thanks. How are you?"
"Free if you want to talk."
"I do if you can stand to hear my sad song again."
"That's what friends are for. I can be there in thirty minutes."
That would give us about ninety minutes to talk before Darkwater returned. "Have you had lunch? Can I make you something light?"
"I'll bring some burgers and a salad. Okay?"
"I'm not hungry. I just need to talk."
After I hung up, I dressed for dinner with Darkwater.
When she arrived, she wore a pretty mauve dress that complimented her plus-size figure. A skillfully applied new foundation blended in well with her skin tone. Looking at her, I wondered why Darkwater couldn't see that she was worth two of the women he usually dated.
"Are you sure you shouldn't give him another chance, Am?" she asked.
I shook my head. "Honestly, I don’t know what I should do."
"Then do what you want to do."
I stared at her. "That would be to drop my thong at the first sight of him and let him do whatever the hell he likes."
She shrugged. "So why don't you?"
"Because I don't like being treated like his latest whore."
"Maybe you're misunderstanding him. He did call you cher. Maybe he—"
"Maybe he exaggerated what it means because he wants more easy lays."
"I looked it up. It is a special term of endearment, Am. And from your description he's wealthy and attractive. He can probably get as many easy lays as he likes without making any commitments. Maybe you really are special and he just needs some time to accept that fact. Or maybe you can just change his mind."
I told her of my conversation with Darkwater. "He'll probably have kittens if I do."
"How is he?"
"Darkwater?"
She nodded. "I haven't seen him for quite awhile."
That's because he and the other guys went out of their way to avoid our friends. I sighed, hoping she'd realized by now that she would never have a chance with him. "He's fine."
"Is he seeing anyone?"
I shrugged. "I don't know. He never talks about his private life. What about you? Are you seeing anyone?"
She shook her head. "No."
"Do you have your eye on anyone?"
"You mean anyone besides your big, sexy brother?" she asked and then laughed.
I laughed too. "Oh, Sher, he's my brother and I do love him, but he has particularly bad taste in women. Besides, he doesn't seem to have any interest in settling down with one woman. Don't sell yourself short like I did with Deandre and John. Wait for someone worthy of you."
"So you're no longer interested in Deandre?"
"No. That ship has left port permanently."
"What about John?"
"What about him?"
"Maybe you should at least hear what he has to say before you decide if you two can have a real relationship."
"What would be the point, Sher? He already has two kids and he's not interested in marriage. And I have no interest in giving up my dreams of marriage and a family just to be his easy lay until he tires of me. I think he's like Darkwater and the others taking advantage of the mystique women have for Native American men to sleep his way through life without any commitment."
"But you said he was tired of that and wanted something more."
"That's what he said but the moment we were alone he couldn't keep his big hot hands to himself or his zipper up."
She tilted her head. "Hmm. Big, handsome man can't keep his hands off you? Doesn't sound like much of a problem to me."
I laughed and hugged her. "Oh, Sher, you always help me put things in prospective. I'm going to sleep on it for a few days before deciding if I should meet with him to talk. The only problem is the moment we're alone he's all over me."
"Again, I don't see the problem, Am."
I smiled. "I love that he's so sexually attracted to me but I want and need more than that from him."
"Are you in love with him, Am?"
I sighed. "I'm afraid if I'm not, I'm so close to it the difference doesn't matter."
"Then tell him how you feel and lay your cards on the table. Let him know if you two see each other again it has to be with a view towards a real relationship. Would you settle for something less than marriage that included a promise of a monogamous relationship?"
"How can I? I want at least one child and I want a relationship with a man who loves me enough to want to make me happy. I'm not going to be happy being anything less than the wife of the man I love. Living together is too modern for me. "
"So you wouldn't settle for a short term relationship?"
"I don't think I can without getting my heart torn to shreds."
My apartment buzzer sounded and I jumped and looked at my watch. Where had the time gone? "That must be Darkwater."
Sher looked flustered.
I picked up the phone. "Thomas?"
"Are you ready, Am?"
"Yes. Come on up." I released the buzzer and turned to look at Sher. "Do you want to leave before he gets up here or will you stay and say hi to him?"
"I think I'll save him the embarrassment. Call me if you need to talk," she said and kissed my cheek.
I grabbed my keys off the foyer table. "I'll walk to the elevator with you."
The elevator took over ten minutes to come. When the doors opened, Darkwater stepped off.
He nodded at Sher. "Sherlyn, it's been awhile. How are you?"
"Fine. Thanks. You?"
"I'm good."
"Good. Great. I know you two are going to dinner so I'll be on my way."
He reached out and held the elevator doors open after she'd stepped in. "You're welcome to join us, if you like."
Sher and I exchanged surprised looks before she shook her head. "Thanks, but I have other plans. I'll talk to you tomorrow, Am. It was nice to see you again, Thomas," she said.
"You too," he said and allowed the doors to close.
I slipped my arm through his. "Thanks, Darkwater."
"For what?"
"For inviting her."
"She's your friend and it would have been rude not to invite her once she mentioned it."
"That never stopped you from avoiding her like the plague and never issuing her or any of my friends at invitation before."
He shrugged.
"Would the new enlightened Darkwater consider asking her out?"
"No."
"Why not?"
"She's not my type, Am."
"She's a great person."
"I'm sure she is but I have no personal interest in her."
I sighed. "Your loss. She'll make some lucky man very happy."
"I'm sure she will." He glanced at the closed elevators doors as we walked to my apartment. "Is she okay?"
I opened the door and went inside before I answered. "What's the matter, Darkwater? Think she must be ailing because she declined the opportunity to spend a few hours with you?"
He laughed. "She never has before but you're making me sound vain."
I arched a brow. "Well?"
He shook his head. "It's not vanity if it's true, Am."
I nodded. "You have me there, but you really are missing out by at least
not giving her a chance to wow you."
"It's a risk I'm willing to continue to take."
"I don't understand you."
"What's to understand? Like everyone else, I have a preference when it comes to the women who attract me."
"I know that, but…you ignore her while lavishing your time and attention on an endless series of skinny, shallow blondes."
"I like what I like, Am."
"Have you ever liked one of them well enough to want to marry her?"
"Apparently not since I've never been engaged or married."
"Do you ever want to get married, Darkwater?"
He sighed. "Most of the time I'd say no, but when I think how happy dad was with mom and then with your mother, I know I want that same over the top happiness for myself at some point."
"Then if the women you've been dating haven't made an emotional impression, isn't it time to try a different type? Someone who might not knock your big socks off when you first meet but who can win your heart if given the chance."
"And I suppose you think Sherlyn would be the woman to win my heart?"
"Her or someone like her could win your heart if you just open yourself to the possibility of dating a non-skinny blonde." I tilted my head. "You do have a heart. Don't you?"
He laughed again. "Never mind my heart. It's my stomach I'm worried about at the moment. I'm hungry. Let's go eat."
* * *
John
My talk with Shane left me feeling restless and in need of unwinding. When he suggested we have dinner with Brandon Grayhawk, even though I suspected he planned to double-team me with Brandon I agreed. I didn't want to be alone for fear I'd find it impossible to give Amber the breathing room she needed.
Brandon had long dark hair and a touch many people found invasive—including me. When he shook hands or touched me, I often felt as if he were probing my thoughts. I wasn't in the mood to have my emotions exposed or told I was in love so I made it a point to nod at him instead of shaking hands when we met at the restaurant.
He'd been having a difficult time since the woman he considered his sheenea had been murdered several years earlier. I was glad to see he seemed to be in decent spirits. Maybe he was finally ready to move on and find another woman to console him.
To my relief, he didn't ask any probing questions about Amber. Neither did Shane. We discussed sports. After a drink, I'd started to feel mellow. That's when I looked across the restaurant and saw Amber dining with another man. And it wasn't even Dr. Don't Know Shit.