Lost in thought, Nikki didn’t hear or see the man approaching her until he was directly beside her.
“Finished?”
Taken completely by surprise, Nikki’s head snapped around. The second she saw him, her mouth dropped opened.
Lucas.
“What are you doing here?”
Lucas smiled at her. He liked the fact that her face was so expressive. Liked a lot of things about her. “Waiting for you.”
He hadn’t said anything about waiting when they’d parted in her driveway. If she’d known, she would have told the lab to hurry the tests through.
“All this time?”
Lucas glanced at his watch. “It wasn’t that long,” he responded. “Besides, I think I worked out the glitch in the new software program I’ve been developing.”
He didn’t add that the program had been commissioned by a branch of Homeland Security, the nature of which he wasn’t at liberty to discuss. His father had connected them, something else he wasn’t free to mention.
Nikki looked at him, stunned. “Seriously?”
He raised a shoulder in a half shrug. “Well, I’d have to go home and put it to the test, but yes, I think I might have actually solved it.”
Nikki shook her head. “No, I mean seriously? You’ve been here the entire time, waiting for me to come out of the hospital?”
He would have willingly waited twice as long for her, but all he said was, “Yes.”
He struck her as a very intelligent man. But his actions weren’t logical. “But I could have come out through any of the other doors.”
He pointed to the light blue Toyota parked to the extreme left of the lot, directly against the wall. “Your car’s here. I figured you weren’t going to walk home. If you’re too tired to go to the restaurant, we can always get dinner to go,” he suggested. Her stomach picked that moment to growl again. “I’ll take that as a yes.”
Nikki was too tired to be embarrassed about the noises coming from her stomach. She nodded. “That would be nice.”
He ran his thumb along her cheek. “How about if I drive you over to my house and then bring you back here to pick up your car tomorrow morning?”
She shook her head. “No, I’m okay. I can drive, and besides it’s not that far to your place.”
“All right, I’ll follow you.”
“Why?”
“To make sure you don’t drive off the road—or a ramp,” he added for good measure. “Once we reach my place, I’ll call in the order then go pick it up. The extra time will allow them to fill the order and have it ready when I get there.”
He’d thought of everything. Nikki nodded. “Sounds like a plan.” And she could use the extra time to make herself presentable. “Tell me, how long were you planning on staying out here and waiting?”
“Until you showed up.” He anticipated her next question. “I have a very understanding babysitter,” he deadpanned. “She seems to have a vested interest in our seeing each other.”
Nikki groaned. Please don’t have said anything to embarrass me, Mother. “What did she say to you?”
“Nothing specific,” he answered. “Maizie just told me that I could call on her anytime. She loves babysitting for Heather. Your mother and Heather get along very well.”
“My mother likes children.” If anything, that was an understatement. He held the door open for her and she slid in behind the steering wheel. “She especially likes the ones who are too young to talk back.”
Lucas laughed. “There is something to be said for that. I’ll meet you at the house,” he told her, then closed her door.
She watched him as he hurried back to his own vehicle.
The thought that he was one in a million crossed her mind. The next moment, she remembered that her mother had once described her father that way. Just shortly before he died.
Happiness was not meant to last a lifetime. But for however long it lasted, she decided that she should stop dissecting the anatomy of their relationship and just enjoy it.
If only she could stop anticipating the end.
Chapter Fourteen
The restless disquiet refused to abandon her.
Like a hitchhiker who had managed to hide himself inside one of the freight train cars, Nikki’s small, budding fear had climbed aboard and folded itself into the shadows. Growing larger and more unmanageable with each day that passed.
Her fear revolved around the same thing. That she was falling for this man and that he didn’t return the sentiment.
“He doesn’t talk about the future, at least not our future,” Nikki told Kate as she frowned down at the designer-styled container of coffee she’d agreed to grab with her friend.
Once a month, she and Kate Manetti, Theresa’s daughter, along with Jewel Parnell, Cecilia’s daughter, tried their best to get together and catch up on each other’s lives.
It didn’t always work out. This time around, for one reason or another, three and a half months had gone by since they’d last gotten together. In addition, Jewel had had to beg off, saying she was so busy, she had to schedule being able to draw more than two breaths in a row. She’d told Nikki to e-mail her. Nikki knew how that went. They’d wind up seeing each other before Jewel got around to reading her e-mail.
But one friendly ear was better than none.
“Lucas talks about his daughter’s future and his plans for her, but he never says a word about any plans he might have for us.” Placing her container down on the tiny round table inside the café, Nikki paused and looked at Kate. Waiting.
Taking another sip, Kate’s eyes met her friend’s. “You’re waiting for me to comment?” she guessed.
“Well, yes, that’s the general idea.” Like their mothers, the three women had grown up together. They shared things with one another they wouldn’t have dreamed sharing with their mothers. “What do you think it means? Or doesn’t mean?” Nikki threw in. She needed a fresh pair of eyes, someone to guide her, to tell her if she was missing something or expecting too much. “Am I just some placeholder for him? Someone to hang out with until he gets his life straightened out?”
Kate was a lawyer. A good lawyer. And she knew her way around words very well. But Nikki was her friend and she wasn’t about to try to be glib or snow her. Nikki deserved the truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth.
“Honey, I’m the last person in the world to give out romantic advice. The couple of times I was at bat, I struck out.” Kate paused to take another sip of her coffee. “Now they won’t even let me into the dugout.”
Nikki stared at the dark-haired young woman, stunned. “Baseball metaphors? I’m asking you for advice and you’re giving me baseball metaphors?”
Kate flashed a semiapologetic smile. “Sorry, it’s spring. You know how Kullen gets every spring,” she said, referring to her older brother. And then she grinned. “He’s an optimist at heart—who knew? He keeps hoping the Angels will win another pennant. When he’s not in court or with a client, my brother wanders around the office, babbling about stats and long shots with anyone who has ears.
“But the metaphor stands,” Kate insisted. “I don’t have any real words of wisdom to pass on to you, Nik, except to say: Go with your gut.”
That was part of the problem. “My gut’s all tied up, Kate.” Rather than drink her coffee, Nikki toyed with it. “It’s not going anywhere.”
Kate raised her eyebrows, then leaned forward. “I’m no expert—”
Nikki didn’t want disclaimers, she wanted help. “We’ve already established that.”
Kate continued as if she hadn’t been impatiently interrupted, “But if your stomach’s all tied up, it must be because you like him.”
Well, duh.
Nikki frowned again. “So far, you’re not sounding like someone who graduated at the top of her class from law school. Of course I like him. The problem is: am I just spinning my wheels, getting more and more entrenched in the mire by the minute?”
Kat
e inclined her head, waiting for more. “And if you are?”
Nikki didn’t know what her friend was getting at. “What’s that supposed to mean?”
“If you are ‘just spinning your wheels and getting entrenched’ in a single spot, what does that mean to you?” She saw that Nikki still didn’t understand. “Do you want to cut bait and run, or hang around until this single father of the year comes to his senses and realizes that you’re indispensable?”
That was exactly what she was agonizing over. “What if he never gets to that point, never finds me indispensable?”
Kate took a breath, thinking. “If you like this guy as much as you say you do and nothing comes of this, you haven’t lost anything, just gotten some nice one-on-one time with him.”
That was settling for crumbs, Nikki thought. “I don’t want to just settle, Kate.” She shook her head, rejecting the idea. “That seems so needy.”
Kate swung in the opposite direction. “Then break it off, Nik. That’s what you were thinking of doing, wasn’t it?”
“Yes,” Nikki admitted reluctantly.
“Okay, then do it,” Kate advised. “Maybe this father of the year’s one of those guys you have to light a fire under before he finally acts.”
Nikki knew that it would be the only way to finally see if there was any real hope for the two of them. But part of her was hesitant to push him. Because he might not react the way she wanted him to.
“And if he’s not one of those guys?” Nikki asked. “If lighting a fire under him doesn’t make him move? Then what?”
Kate was brutally honest. “Then you had a nice time, but it was going to end anyway. Might as well be on your terms and not his.” She glanced at her watch and suddenly popped up to her feet like an expensively dressed jack-in-the-box. “I’m due in court in fifteen minutes. We’ve got to do this more often.” She picked up her briefcase. “Great seeing you, Nik.”
“Yeah, you, too.”
But Nikki was saying the words to Kate’s back as her lifelong friend moved swiftly through the café to get to the exit.
Somewhere in the twenty minutes that it took her to get back to her office, Nikki made up her mind. Kate was right, although the woman probably didn’t even realize how right she was. There was only one way to handle this situation she found herself in.
Only one way to be prepared.
She had to make the first move. Call this off before Lucas dropped his own bombshell and walked away.
Entering her office—eerily quiet without the usual collection of small-and medium-sized patients, thanks to the fact that it was the tail end of lunchtime—Nikki went straight to her office. Her computer was on the way it always was during the day—it had been running twice as efficiently, not to mention quickly, since Lucas had overhauled it.
She tried not to think about that as she opened up the application that listed all the different doctors who were associated with Blair Memorial Hospital. Nikki “flipped” through the various virtual pages until she found the one she was looking for.
Allan Crosby.
She was going to have to refer Lucas and his daughter to another doctor. Allan Cosby was an excellent pediatrician and she was confident that the man would provide the little girl with the kind of care she needed and deserved. With Heather’s health in good hands, there was no reason for Lucas and her to see one another anymore.
Unless he made it clear that he wanted to.
She could feel a lump in her throat and forced herself to ignore it. Instead, she focused on the fact she didn’t want to set herself up for the inevitable fall that she knew in her heart was coming. She really wished she didn’t believe that, but what other conclusion could she draw? Lucas hadn’t given any indication that he wanted anything more from the relationship. What they had right now were hot nights and warm takeout.
Maybe that was enough for him, but it wasn’t for her. She didn’t want to replace his wife. What she wanted was for him to give her some kind of sign that he wanted her to someday be his wife. Different than the first, but with good qualities nonetheless. Good qualities that he cherished.
She could spend the rest of her life waiting, but it wasn’t going to happen.
Waiting for some kind of positive sign ate at her. She needed to end it before her heart was ripped out of her chest.
This was the right thing to do, she silently insisted as she printed out Crosby’s address and phone number.
If it was so right, why did it feel so wrong?
The lump in her throat grew bigger.
“What are you in the mood for tonight?” Lucas asked as he opened the door a second after Nikki rang the bell. “Chinese? Pizza?”
Lucas looked at her as if he knew something was wrong. As if he could feel it. Did he have any idea how she felt? She wasn’t smiling and she wasn’t coming in. Instead, she’d only taken a step inside the house, trying to act like a disinterested messenger.
“I’m not staying.”
Instead of feeling a weight falling off her shoulders, Nikki felt as if each word she uttered weighed a ton.
“Another emergency?” he guessed. “You could come over after you finish dealing with whatever it is you’re dealing with. I’ll wait up for you,” he offered.
This was the hardest of all to say. “I’m not coming back.”
“Oh?”
Oh. No emotion, no demands to know why. No plea that she change her mind. Just a single, small word, as if he was surprised by a contestant’s answer to an obscure game-show question.
She was right, Nikki thought, her stomach sinking down to her knees. He really didn’t care. So she pushed on, holding out the piece of paper she’d printed. “I brought you the name of a good—no, an excellent pediatrician.”
He didn’t move to take it from her. “And why would I need this? I have you.”
“No, you don’t.” Her mouth was so dry, the words almost stuck to the roof of her mouth.
“Oh?” His voice was low, still. “And why is that?”
Lucas sounded so calm, so unfazed. Secretly, she’d really been hoping that he’d raise his voice, that he’d shout, demanding to know what was going on. Instead, he sounded completely complacent.
Damn him.
Why can’t you feel about me the way that I feel about you?
“It’s just not working,” she finally said. “And that’s all right. I understand.”
“You do?” Not once did he break eye contact with her. It was unnerving.
“Yes.” Every second was now torture for her. She just wanted to go, to flee, not stand here talking, pretending her heart wasn’t breaking. “But under the circumstances, I think it’s best for everyone, especially Heather, if you took her to another doctor.” She pushed the paper into his hand.
Lucas looked down at it. “And this Dr. Crosby—”
“Is terrific. I’ll forward Heather’s file to him in the morning.” She hadn’t done it already because some small part of her had gone on hoping against hope that he would say something to make her think she’d imagined things. That she’d made a mistake.
She needed to go. Now, before she cried.
“Take care of yourself, Lucas,” She wanted to kiss him one last time, but she didn’t trust herself. She wouldn’t leave if she kissed him.
Nikki quickly turned on her heel and fled.
Leaving Lucas to stare at the paper in his hand. Finally, he turned toward Heather who was lying in the port-a-crib, kicking her legs.
“What just happened here, Heather?” he asked. “Do you have any idea at all? Because I sure don’t.”
His daughter made no answer. She just went on tap-dancing in the air.
From the moment she left Lucas’s door, Nikki made sure that every single moment of her day was accounted for and stuffed to the gills with work.
Even so, she’d never known the days to drag by so slowly. Eighteen days had gone by since she’d walked out of Lucas’s house. Eighteen days and he hadn’t called
her, hadn’t tried to get back in contact with her, not even once.
She’d been right. Damn him.
Being right had never felt so awful.
She ran her hand over her forehead. She could feel another headache taking hold. Lately, she’d had more than her share. It was Friday afternoon. The prospect of the weekend loomed over her like a dark threat. She’d upped her volunteer work since she’d broken it off with Lucas, but none of the places needed her this weekend.
That meant she’d have time on her hands. She didn’t want time. Because time meant that she could think. And regret.
There was a quick rap on her door and Bob stuck his head in. “One last patient, Dr. C,” he announced.
Nikki pushed herself away from her desk and rose to her feet. She must have missed that one. When she’d walked down the hall to her office after seeing Jason Jessop for his booster shot, she’d thought she was finished. There’d been no folders waiting for her to peruse.
“Room 5.” Bob pointed toward the closed door. “Mind if I leave early? I want to get a jump-start on the weekend.”
I’d gladly give you mine.
The other nurse had left half an hour ago. Something about going away for the weekend. Nikki usually liked to have one nurse on the premises when she saw a patient in case she needed help.
“Is Room 5 a routine visit?” Nikki asked the nurse.
“It’s a follow-up,” he said evasively.
Ordinarily, Bob handed her a folder, or left it tucked in the slot in the door. This time, he did neither. She looked at him quizzically. “Where’s the file?”
His dark eyebrows rose high on his forehead. “Oh, I must have left the file inside the room.” His lips pulled into an embarrassed smile. “My bad.”
She waved her hand at his assumption of guilt. “Never mind, no harm done. Who is it?” she asked.
When there was no answer, she turned around. Only to find that Bob had disappeared around the corner in the hall. Presumably he’d gone back to the front of the office.
What had gotten into him?
He was anxious to start his weekend, that’s what, she told herself.
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