“And look how well doing it on your own turned out for you,” she barks. “You’re almost forty. If I’m going to ever have grandchildren, I’m going to have to take matters into my own hands.”
“Forty? Do you have some other daughter I don’t know about. I’m barely over thirty. And who said anything about making babies?” The thought of letting my own children be poisoned by this women makes me sick. I swear, if I ever have my own kids, I will be nothing like her. Nothing.
“Shush, now,” is all she says.
Losing the battle to spring free, we make our way onto the patio and my mother begins her parade of men.
“You remember Michael, don’t you?” she says, as if it’s a real question.
Michael puts out his hand, and I take it to be considerate. I almost gag when he brings it to his lips for a kiss. Gross. I need to wash the back of my hand later. His Tom Seleck mustache takes me back to the 80s. Not even a goatee, just a mustache.
“And this is, Kevin.” She whisks me off to the next gentlemen who seems shy. He nods, pushing his glasses up on his nose. He’s cute. And no stache in sight. Whew.
I put my hand out to him, and he shakes it with about as much force as a newborn puppy. “Nice to meet you, Kevin.” I could just stay here and talk to Waldo all night. He seems harmless. I don’t know how he made it past my mother’s checklist. His mom probably lied to her. He seems a lot more appealing than the rest of these idiots in suits. C’mon, this isn’t a business meeting. Just a family party.
“Move along now, Shelly,” my mother kindly whispers in my ear.
“I’ll be back, Kevin,” I say, winking at him.
“Oh no you won’t.” She pinches the inside of my arm. Son of a testicle. That effing hurt. Seriously, she wants me to meet these losers with tears welling up in my eyes. The sting penetrates my entire arm and I want to punch her.
“Mother, if you do that again, I’m leaving,” I whisper through gritted teeth and I have to do battle with my senses so I don’t pinch her back.
She ignores me, of course. “Oh, Gordon, I’m so glad you were able to make it. Your mom wasn’t sure you would with all the traffic coming in from Santa Barbara.” Gordon—oh no!—takes my mother’s hands in his and give her this “all mothers love me” grin, and he kisses both her cheeks. Gag me. “This is my daughter, Shelly. She’s a high school English teacher.” And then my mother disappears. Really? This is who you leave me with Mother? Gordon? There are still at least four remaining bachelors and Gordon is the best she could do.
So the name isn’t exactly becoming of him. He’s not exactly what you’d picture—short, almost bald, and a bit on the chubby side—with a name like Gordon. He is, in fact, over six feet tall. He’s really hulking over me like the Empire State building. He’s also pretty built. I bet underneath his suit he doesn’t have an ounce of fat on him. He just exudes this kind of arrogance. Even without him saying a word, I’m already annoyed.
“So you’re a teacher?” he asks, as if he needs clarification.
“Yes, I am,” I state.
“Hmf,” he grunts. “Very admirable.”
I doubt he means it. “I don’t do it for admiration.”
“Yeah, well you know how the saying goes, ‘those who can, do it, those who can’t … .” Luckily for him, he doesn’t finish his sentence. Asshole. “Let me get you a drink, Shelly.” Gordon steps away for a second and returns with a glass of champagne. Oh fuck me.
I miss my chance to get away. “Oh, no, thank you, champagne gives me a headache.” I smile, fluttering my eyelashes up at him. I wonder if he can tell I’m being bitchy.
“Okay, what can I get for you then?” he asks.
“How about a beer?” I respond. “Something in a can. I think I have a pen in my bag. Bring one for yourself. We can shot gun’em.”
“Oh cool,” Mel says, swooping in from behind me. “I think I have a funnel. We can totally beer bong it.”
Tyler puts his arm around Mel, and adds his two cents, “Count me in. But only if you guys do the thing where you do a hand stand at the same time.”
Gordon looks confused, or scared, and walks away.
We watch him walk into the house before we all bust up laughing. Mel starts to snort, and so does Ty.
“That was effing hilarious,” I tell them. “Thank you.”
“Mom is funny. That guy is way too uptight for you,” Tyler says.
Mel adds, “And you didn’t even throw in any of your f-bombs. He would’ve probably run away if he heard your typical flare for words.”
“What the fuck are you bitches talking about?” I joke.
We all laugh some more.
“Is it time to go home and get drunk yet?” I ask them.
“Let’s roll,” Tyler says. “I’m crashing at your place. There’s no way in hell I’m staying here.”
“Don’t forget your flannel jammies your mama bought you,” Mel teases him.
“I won’t. I’ll even get your Pepto pink sweater with the pearly buttons too,” he dishes back.
I roll my eyes at them. “I swear, you guys just need to screw and get it over with.”
Tyler raises his brows at Mel, “Now that’s what I call a Christmas present.”
Mel puts her hand on his chest, “Hmm. I think that can be arranged, Mr. Gelson.” She stands on her tiptoes and kisses his cheek. “But just one question: have you been a good boy this year?”
I think I just threw up in my mouth.
Chapter Thirteen
“You guys better hurry up or we’re going to be really late,” I yell, pounding on the door to the bathroom. I can’t believe my best friend and my brother are both in there. I take that back. Yes, I can.
Mel steps out first, wrapped in a towel, and runs to my room.
I shout to her, “What? No walk of shame. Just running around my house naked with my bro. Shit, you guys aren’t even discreet.”
“I’ll be right out. I’m just gonna get my clothes on. I’ll do my makeup in the car,” Mel yells back, and shuts the door.
“I’m ready,” Tyler says nonchalantly as he makes his way to my living room. He sits on the sofa next to me, kicks up his big black Chucks on my coffee table, like it’s no big thing he was just showering with my best friend. “You look nice, sis.”
“You clean up well too, bro. I take it you’re coming with us today?”
“Mel invited me, so why not. Beats going back and visiting with Mom,” he says, tapping his feet on the floor. He always does this when he’s nervous.
“You better not be fucking with her Tyler or I’ll whoop your ass. She’s a little fragile right now,” I try to explain.
“Mel? Fragile? You obviously don’t know you’re best friend as well as I do,” he begins.
“I would hope not,” I interrupt, rolling my eyes.
“Yeah. Anyway, she’s fine. It’s not like this hasn’t been coming for a long time. You can’t tell me you’re shocked we finally ... well you know,” he says.
I completely understand what he’s saying but it doesn’t make it right. “Yeah, but I thought when it did, it would be a little more permanent. Not a Christmas present you play with and then return. It’s gonna suck for her when you leave.” It’s only been a full day since I’ve seen Matty and it sucks, even though I know he’s coming back tomorrow. When Ty leaves, who knows when he’ll be back.
Mel comes out and plops herself in Ty’s lap. “I’ll be fine, Shel. Don’t worry. It’s all good.” Her eyes are sincere and I don’t sense any worry coming from her. My brother gives me a look like, see I told you.
Tyler taps her on the ass. “You look great too, Melly Belly. You ready?”
She jumps up and throws her hands in the air. “Let’s go to my casa. Feliz Navidad.”
As we walk up the path to Mel’s parents’ house, she takes a deep breath and exhales slowly. “Wish me luck.”
She’s gonna need it. Her aunts can be brutal.
“So you think you
r mom is gonna have a lot of hot men here to choose from?” I ask, jokingly. “I totally forgot to get Kevin’s number last night.” Okay, so I wouldn’t have called him. Or maybe I would have. He seems like he’d be a cool guy to talk to, but not really anything beyond friendship.
“I thought you were seeing someone,” Tyler questions me.
I shake my head. “No no. Matty and I aren't exclusive. I can still date other people if I want. If I find someone. No biggie.”
“Right,” Tyler says nodding slowly, not buying a word of it.
If I can’t convince other people Matty and I aren’t a couple, how can I convince myself? To be honest, I miss him so much. I haven’t talked to him since he left, and my bed feels so empty. I wish I could snuggle up to him and just sleep for hours. I’m tired and I need him with me.
Fuck it. I take out my phone and text him.
Miss u. Can’t wait till 2mro 2 c u. P.S. Mel is doing my bro. ;p
I flip my cell shut and follow Mel and Ty inside the house.
We immediately greet the family with hugs and kisses. This is how Mel’s family does it. Even if you don’t know every single one of them. It takes about an hour to say hello when you arrive and about an hour to say goodbye. It’s considered very rude not to follow this tradition. And I sure as hell don’t want to be the white girl to offend them. Although, after twenty two years of being an honorary member of Mel’s family, I don’t think they consider me the white girl anymore.
After hugging every aunt, uncle, cousin, and grandma, we finally meet up with Mel’s mom.
“Melissa, thank God you’re finally here. I need your help in the kitchen,” Mel’s mom says. She gives her mom a kiss on the cheek and disappears down the hall. So different from my mom. Mel is actually happy to see her. “Hi, Shelly, thanks for coming. It’s so nice to see you as always. And, Tyler, look at you. You’ve grown into such a handsome man. I’m glad you could join us too. Now make sure you grab a plate and get plenty to eat. Okay.” Plenty to eat. Did you hear that? I can eat as much as I want.
Tyler and I both share a hug with Mel’s mom. “Thanks for having us,” I tell her. “I can’t wait to get my hands on some tamales. Did you make some sweet ones this year?”
“Especially for you,” she tells me, poking her finger on my nose. Oh, I could hug her again. Why can’t my mother love me like this? She just poked me on the nose. Aww. I think Mel’s parents forget we’re grown adults sometimes. But it’s very endearing. At least she didn’t tell me I’m fat and try to stiff me with a dessert plate.
Tyler and I take turns opening our tamales and ridding them of the wax paper and corn husks. We both get some rice and beans too. This is a whole different kind of deliciousness. I loved my mom’s cooking yesterday, but it’s Mel’s family cooking I crave every year.
“There’s a few seats right there.” I gesture to Tyler and he follows me.
“Is Mel gonna eat with us,” he asks.
“Not if she wants to live.” I shove a mouthful of rice and beans in my mouth. Oh goodness, I don’t need Matty. I want to fill my bedroom with this stuff and eat it all night, making snow angels in a bed of refried beans. “She’ll be in there for awhile, flipping tortillas and making eggs. I’m not quite sure when all the women eat. I guess they just eat and cook at the same time.”
“Why do you get to eat?”
“Because I’m a guest.” I take another bite of my tamale. I’m in love.
Tyler still hasn’t touched his food. He looks in the kitchen. From where we’re sitting we can see Mel hovering over the stove, and chatting with the ladies.
“Ty, just eat. She’s fine. This is time for all of them to catch up. They actually enjoy it.” I pause, gazing up at the ceiling in thought. Considering the latest events with Nick, this probably isn’t very enjoyable for Mel. “Most of the time anyway. Eat, and I’ll go check on her in a minute.”
Tyler looks like he’s about to consume his last meal. Give me a break. They were together one effing night and he’s already pussy whipped. What a wimp my brother is.
I suck down the rest of my food and walk into the hen’s den, leaving my brother alone to pout like a love sick puppy.
“Hola, chicas,” I say, as I throw my plate in the trash. “How you all doing?”
Mel looks at me with a plea for help. “My aunties here are grilling me on the details of my wonderful divorce.”
“Cool. So are we all in agreement the settlement should include Nick getting his balls chopped off?” I chuckle, but the others aren’t laughing. Ha, they would be if this was dinner time. But it’s breakfast and we all haven’t started drinking yet. Unless you count the Bloody Mary’s, but I think the men are the only ones throwing those back.
“Nice try, Shel, but in this house, apparently it is my fault Nick was screwing a woman at work. I must not have been doing enough to keep my husband satisfied,” Mel sneers as she flips tortillas.
“Oh.”
“Yeah, they also think I’m going to go into the poor house because I can’t possibly take care of myself.” Mel is seething mad right now.
“That’s not true. Mel and I make the same amount and I live on my own just fine. Plus, Nick knows how much of an asshole he is so he left her with plenty of money. She doesn’t even need to work,” I try to explain.
“That’s what I tried to tell them,” she cries out, tossing the warm tortillas in a dish on the counter.
One of her aunts throws her hands up. “Ay, what will the church say?”
“I don’t give a rat’s ass what the church says,” Mel yells. “If the church is so concerned about my marriage, why didn’t they pray my husband would keep his dick in his pants?” She throws a towel on the counter and walks away.
“Ooo, you’re in trouble now,” I say as I follow her out.
Mel sits down next to Tyler and takes a tamale off his plate. “It’s about time you get to eat,” he says.
She chomps off a piece and utters through a mouthful, “That’s what I’m saying. They can handle the rest.” She breaks off a corner of the masa and dips it into Tyler’s beans. “How long have we been here?” she asks.
Tyler looks at his watch. “Almost two hours.” He holds out his plate to her as she finishes chowing down.
“Long enough. Let’s go,” she announces wiping her hands and face with her apron.
I put my hand on her shoulder. “Melly, calm down. It’s Christmas. You haven’t even opened presents with your family. And your dad hasn’t stopped by yet.” Mel’s dad is a police officer, and he’s on duty. At anytime he could stop in to wish the family a happy holidays and I know she wouldn’t want to miss it.
She leans back in her chair with a sigh. “We’ll stay till my dad gets here, and then we’re gonna go.”
We both nod in agreement.
Tyler asks, “Mel, you want me to fix you something else? You didn’t eat much.”
“Are you kidding? Do you want them to talk more shit? If anything, I should have fixed your plate,” she complains. “Did you guys get something to drink? I need some wine.”
“I’ll get the drinks,” I offer.
When I get back from pouring Mel a glass of wine and digging up two beers for Tyler and me, she’s explaining to him the archaic ideals her family has about how women are supposed to serve their men. Mel rarely served Nick. They always just got their own stuff. But it’s not like Nick would have wanted her to anyway. He’s not very traditional in that sense. And Ty won’t be either. He will surely take care of all her needs before he ever tends to his own.
Limiting myself to one beer sucks but Mel needs the booze more than I do. I guess being the designated driver has it’s perks though. I don’t have to worry about peeing every fifteen minutes. Once the seal is broken, it’s like a never ending flood, and Mel has made many trips to the little girl's room to prove it.
“Daddy’s here,” Mel’s mom tells us as she passes by.
We walk outside and as usual, Mel’s dad is f
lashing lights and blaring different sirens. He does this for all the little kids. I can remember getting so excited when we were young and he’d put on a show. Actually, it still is a bit thrilling.
Growing up with Mel as a best friend kept us out of a lot of trouble. There were many times when we were about to do something stupid and the thought of getting arrested by one of her dad’s friends, or worse, her dad, was enough to make us do the right thing. We were by no means angels, but we did opt out of some good times in fear of Mel’s dad. But we opted in on some good times to piss off my mother.
“Hi, honey, Merry Christmas,” Mel’s dad says as he heads our way. He stops in front of her and hugs her with a tear in his eye. Daddy’s little girl. Always.
“Hi, Daddy,” she says, wrapping her arms around him. “Merry Christmas to you. Wish you could stay and enjoy it.”
“Sorry honey, you know the drill,” he says. “Hey, Shel, hey, Tyler. Good to see you.” He hugs me and shakes Ty’s hand. “I’m gonna go see your mother. Come for dinner next week, okay.” Mel nods, and he finds Mel’s mom waiting for him on the porch.
We all look at Mel’s parents in awe. After all these years, they still look like they fell in love just yesterday.
“I want a man to look at me like that,” I say, not even realizing my words are said aloud.
“You already have one, beeyotch. You’re just being a frickin’ pansy about it,” she scolds me. I don’t have time to respond because she whips off her apron and tosses it at one of her little cousins. “Okay, let’s go before anyone notices.”
“We can’t. We have to say goodbye to everybody,” I remind her.
“Forget it. I’ll call my mom in a few and tell her Tyler had diarrhea and we had to leave quickly.”
Tyler gives her a questioning look. “Why do I have to be the one to get the shits? Did you see how much Shel ate? That would be more believable.”
“Gee thanks big, bro.”
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