“But it was designed to upset me.”
“I know, and it’s horrible, but...” Archer trails off. What can any of them say?
“I want you to teach me to fight. You and Ceryn.”
Will jumps up, protesting and Archer shakes his head. Ceryn, though, is nodding. “Absolutely.”
“Ceryn!”
“What? Shouldn’t a Queen be able to defend herself? Not be a little damsel in distress, always looking to others for help.”
The boys are silent, disapproval written all over their faces.
“I’m not planning on heading into the village looking for a brawl in one of the inns, but I should be able to defend myself. Don’t you think?”
The teacher steps forward. “Everleigh has her magic, but anything we can do to help her, we should. A Queen is a leader of people, not a meek little girl. A Queen should be a warrior; to show her subjects that a woman can rule. Can be as strong as a man. A Queen should inspire confidence in her people and fear in her enemies.”
Everleigh snorts. “Easy.”
Everleigh
I WANT TO CRY OR LAUGH hysterically when the teacher says things like that to me. A Queen should be a warrior...I can’t even wash my own hair. A Queen should inspire fear in her enemies. Um, not really. I can shoot an arrow at a target and hit it, don’t get me wrong, but a warrior?
How am I ever going to pull this off? At least Millard – well Macsen too – was majestic. Tall, broad, handsome, fearsome. Able to fight, able to command.
No one is going to bow to me, fight for me, die for me. They will laugh at me.
I love watching Ceryn fight. She is fierce. That’s what I want to be, but I’m being ridiculous. Who would be scared of me?
That’s why I asked her to teach me to fight. I asked Archer, too, I didn’t want to leave him out. Loads of boys can fight, but I’ve never seen a girl like Ceryn – she would inspire fear in her enemies. I still remember the look of fury on her face the first time she saw me, when she blamed me for Archer’s death.
If anyone can help me, it will be her, but I doubt I’ll ever be the type of Queen the teacher was describing.
I believed I would be dead by now; my whole life I was readying myself to die. I wanted to be brave enough to die without begging for my life, without screaming in fear or fainting like a baby. Beyond that, there was nothing.
I haven’t had time to get used to the fact that I will live, never mind that I will rule.
I’ve got such a long way to go. I find myself giggling and everyone looks at me like I’m odd and then I remember why we are all so sober and I want to cry again.
The severed head.
I get why they did it but I don’t want to be the type of Queen that inspires such atrocities. I want to inspire the type of things I grew up with before I realised my brothers were both maniacs: love and peace and happiness.
Is that too much to ask? Am I showing my age and inexperience again?
Probably.
Does it matter, if no one else knows what I am thinking anyway? Maybe being Queen or a warrior or anything else is just about what people believe me to be. If I act like a warrior, then I am a warrior.
Still, I’ll be a more believable warrior if Ceryn will help me.
We decide, as a group, not to leave the room again today but to be served our food here. There is plenty of space. The boys can sleep in Macsen’s rooms tonight, but until then we’ll all stick together.
“Ceryn, I’d feel better if Ginata was here too. I know she’s in a strange mood but we don’t know what might happen next.”
Ceryn nods. “I’ll go and get her. She is in a strange mood, isn’t she? I wonder what’s wrong with her...”
I have no idea and I don’t want to guess. “Who knows? I don’t think any of us are feeling ourselves at the moment.”
Ceryn shrugs and speaks to Archer before she leaves.
Archer comes over to me. “I think it is a good idea for you to be able to handle yourself. No one wants a useless, whimpering Queen.”
“Do you think I’m useless and whimpering.”
He starts to protest and then realises I’m teasing him. His smile when it comes is broad and open and his whole face changes. He’s a handsome young man but when he smiles he looks even better. He takes my hand and I feel my stomach squirming; he’s close to me and he smells so good. I feel myself blushing and I cannot look him in the eye. Where is my father to chaperone me when I need him?
I don’t think Queens should feel like they want to be by someone’s side forever more. I don’t even know him very well. But I also feel like I know everything about him.
I don’t know about his childhood, where he lived and with who. I don’t know any of his friend’s names – except the two that are here with him – I don’t know what he hopes to do with his life. I don’t know what he felt like when he thought he was dying. I don’t know what he felt like when he realised he would live. I don’t know what he thinks about me, about us.
I want to be chaperoned and yet I want the room to empty so that it’s just the two of us, talking, laughing, holding hands, always. Kissing.
We kissed in the rain and I wanted to kiss him forever. We haven’t kissed since I found out that he was alive.
We are always in company. Almost Queens cannot kiss in company and yet a Queen cannot be alone with a young man.
What’s a girl to do?
When I am Queen, I can kiss him. Then I can command him to kiss me. I smile at the thought and he touches a finger to my mouth. I want to bite him but stop myself by stepping away. “What’s so funny?” he asks.
“Nothing. Just you being alive, being with me.”
“When I was dying, or thought I was dying, you were the face I kept seeing. I didn’t want to leave you. As long as you are happy having me around, I won’t leave your side.”
“Will we be alright? Will I sit on the throne, with you next to me?”
“I think so. I hope so.”
How can any of us be sure of anything. Not long ago I was sure I would die, sure my blood would crown one of my brothers and kill the other one. Everything changed and continues to do so. No one can be sure of anything, even minds can change, hearts can change.
Look at my brothers. How could they do what they did, become who they did?
Where is he? What’s he doing? Is he sending men to attack me, in the name of the King? Is he injured or safe?
Thinking about him reminds me of Wolf. “What do we do about Wolf? He’s still in the tower.”
Ceryn locked him in the tower last night and we’ve not given him a thought all day. He’ll be a very angry and hungry Wolf.
“Leave him there. He won’t die of starvation, but it’ll weaken him. I wouldn’t put anything past him.”
“Isn’t that cruel?”
“Yes. He deserves it.” Addyson has sloped over to my side without me noticing.
“Addyson, don’t say that. Don’t become hard like that.”
“He does deserve it. He’s a bad man.”
He is, and he does deserve to be treated cruelly. He will exploit any weakness and escape if he can, and we don’t want that. But I hate that Addyson is viewing the world in such a way already. She’s only eleven. What hope will she have if that’s what she thinks now? My poor cursed princess.
“We’ll leave him there again tonight, but we’ll have to take him something tomorrow.”
13
CERYN IS CAREFUL AS she moves through the castle corridors to Ginata’s rooms. She can take care of herself certainly, but if she’s outnumbered she might not come out on top.
She knocks the door and then turns the handle and pushes it open. Ginata has three rooms that connect and this first one is empty. Millard’s crown is still on the table. She picks it up; she’ll give it to Everleigh. The second room is empty and so is the last.
Ceryn sighs. It’s not safe for any of them to be anywhere other than all together but Ginata didn’t want to
stay with them, and now she’s not even in her rooms.
She stomps back to Everleigh’s room, handing her the crown. Everleigh touches the jewels, tears misting her eyes. She places it on the table.
Ceryn throws herself onto a chair. “She’s gone.”
“Gone where?”
“Who knows? Who cares? I’m not going to look for her.”
“Ceryn...”
“What? She didn’t want to stay here and now she disappeared altogether.”
“Maybe she’s just popped to the kitchen or something?”
“Maybe, but I’m not going to search for her.”
“Archer?” Everleigh looks helpless.
“I wouldn’t worry, Everleigh. Of all of us, Ginata is probably the safest. Millard doesn’t know that she’s on our side. If one of his men does see her, it’s not likely that they’ll hurt her.”
“Where is she though? Why would she be wandering around?”
“She’s not worried, obviously. Maybe she just wants to act normally in case Millard comes back. And if he does, we could do with her still appearing to be on his side.”
“I suppose. I just worry. And she knows that.”
“Exactly. So she should be here with the rest of us.” Ceryn is angry and happy to show it. “There’s something off with her and I don’t know what it is.”
“It’s just a horrible time. Everyone’s upset. None of us knows what’s going to happen next. And Ginata has to crown me. That’s a big responsibility for her. I feel for her, having to spend all that time with my brother. He’s not very nice.”
“I know all of that, but...” Ceryn shrugs. “I just think she should be here, that’s all.”
GINATA HAS LEFT HER rooms, and the castle, and is walking the familiar path back to her cottage. She needs to be alone and the castle walls feel like they are closing in on her.
All she can think about is how she has betrayed Everleigh and all she wanted to do is leave. So she did.
Going home will help her, even though none of her things are there any more. Her little cottage was home for many happy years. Being there will help her to ground herself, find herself again.
She’ll light a fire, and let her mind find peace and when she feels better she’ll head back to the castle.
She needs to come to terms with her actions and her feelings and she needs to be away from the castle to do it.
Since Macsen came to her door looking for a death draught and brought her into this whole mess, she’s been swept along into the drama, like an innocent mouse who falls in the river and gets dragged away in the flow.
None of it has been her choice; not helping Macsen, or making the death draught with Halfreda, or crowning Millard. Not watching Halfreda die, taking her place in the castle, in the dead King’s rooms, pretending to be on Millard’s side.
If her life is to be her own to live and her own to make choices about then what will her choice be?
Ginata
MY HEART LIFTS WHEN I see my little cottage and I know I’ve done the right thing. I’m not sure what I’ll say to Everleigh if she realises I’ve left the castle but then I remind myself that I’m not doing anything wrong.
It’s the guilt, I know. It’s making me jumpy, making me defensive. Making me feel like I’m doing everything wrong, even when I’m not. Every choice being questioned. That’s why I had to leave the castle. It’s suffocating.
I’m allowed to leave the castle. I’m not a prisoner. And I know I’m safe; all of Millard’s men believe me to be on his side.
Besides I need this.
A little bit of time out. Time away from the drama at the castle. I couldn’t have stayed there a minute longer without losing my mind. I don’t feel like myself and I don’t like it.
I take a deep breath, taking in the scent of the flowers that grow along the path and I go inside.
Millard.
I close my eyes and open them again to make sure that I haven’t conjured him out of my imagination. But he’s there and he looks awful.
I rush to his side, and slip my arms around him, sitting him up. He’s freezing cold, shivering, his pallor whiter than white, tinged with blue. The blood on his head, from where Ceryn attacked him, has turned a rusty brown colour, and he looks very far removed from the King that he is. Was.
I reach into my cloak pocket and bring out some discs; I need to get a fire going quickly. He needs to warm up, he needs to eat.
“Ginata?” His voice is thin, scratchy sounding.
“Millard. I’m here. Everything’s fine.”
I open the windows; though he needs to be warm, the smell in here is cloying. The fire heats up quickly and I shift him closer, moving the chair so he’s got something to lean on. I brought a tonic for myself but I sit close to him, holding the bottle up to his dry, cracked lips. “Here.” I keep my voice low and encouraging. “Drink.”
He drinks slowly, some of it dribbling down his chin. I use my finger to bring it up to his mouth and I feel the heat coming back to his skin. He licks my finger and I help him to drink the whole bottle down. He should feel better soon. “I’m going to go to the river, quickly, to get some water to clean you up.”
“No. Don’t leave me. Please.”
I cannot argue with him. I sit back next to him, our legs touching, our arms touching. He reaches for my hand and I let him. The warmth is coming back to his body, the colour back to his face. “Who hurt me, Ginny?”
Ginny. I love the intimacy of that little nickname. “Shh. It doesn’t matter.”
“It does. I want to kill them.” His voice is still low, still scratchy, but tinged with fury and I remember the unpredictability of him. The way his moods swing so drastically. You cannot keep up with this man. He won’t let you.
“You cannot kill anyone. You need to get warm, eat, sleep, rest, recover.”
“I am the King of the Realm. I cannot do any of those things. If I do my sister-”
He pauses at the look on my face. “She’s done it already? She usurped me? Took my crown?”
“She is at the castle, yes. She is safe.”
“I thought Brett took her for me?”
“He did, but... he’s dead now. Everleigh was rescued.”
“By who? Who do I need to kill next?”
He starts coughing, the upset choking him. “Quiet, Millard. You have to rest.”
“I cannot rest. She will kill me if she finds me. Will you tell her where I am. Am I to die?”
I shake my head. “I will not tell her, but I have to crown her.”
“No. I forbid it. You are loyal to me.”
“I am, Millard. Who do you think untied you?”
“You?”
“Of course. I couldn’t bear to see you lying there helpless, vulnerable, but I cannot defy your sister either. I’m stuck.”
“Stay here, then. Don’t go back to the castle. Stay with me.”
“Millard...” All my arguments fall away from me as I look at him, his eyes pleading with me, his bravado all gone, replaced with a sweet vulnerability. This murderer is so complicated. He’s so awful, but now, he looks like someone I want to stay with.
“Millard. I cannot stay with you. I don’t want to betray your sister.”
“So, you were loyal to her all along? You lied to me?”
I shake my head, not wanting to talk, to admit anything. “I am loyal to you. I saved your life. But your sister thinks I am loyal to her and I don’t want her to know the truth...”
And there it is. The truth that I didn’t want to admit. I am under the spell of this man here. I know his faults and I won’t even try to excuse them. But he isn’t evil to me, he won’t hurt me, I know it.
“Stay here then. Then she will know nothing until I am strong again. Until I am safe. And then I won’t kill her, I promise you that. I’ll lock her up, I’ll keep her off the throne but I won’t hurt her. And that will be your doing. You make me want to be a better person.”
I shake my head.
“Millard. You cannot win against her.”
“Of course I can. She’s just a girl.”
“She’s just a girl who caught Wolf, who killed your guards. Who knocked you off your throne.”
He shakes his head. “No. They’re all just setbacks. We’ll rescue Wolf, we’ll get new guards. I will sit on my throne again.”
“Millard...” I cannot argue with him; he does not want to hear it.
He changes tactic then and he’s crying, softly but surely. “I know I’m not easy to love. But I did want to be a good King. A good man.”
“You can be a good man. Everleigh would be forgiving to you. If you went to her, if I went to her, I could convince her to keep you alive.”
“Locked up with Wolf?”
“Millard, I don’t know what to say. I think it’s over.”
“It will never be over. Not until I am King on my throne again. Say you will help me. Say you will.”
I shake my head. I am confused again. I just want to feel at peace.
I am not loyal to Everleigh. I can admit it, now. If I was I would never have untied Millard. But I don’t have the strength to stay by his side. I don’t want to be judged poorly. I don’t want everyone knowing who I am and what I did.
Maybe I should just run away. Some of the villages furthest from the castle would be glad of a wise woman, a healer, a helper. I could start again, start over. Forget this royal brother and sister and my part in their battle.
Millard leans towards me, turns my head to face him and rests his forehead on mine. “Please.” The plea is just a whisper and I feel my will bend to him and his.
14
GINATA FINDS A FRESHLY caught rabbit in one of Finn’s traps and skins it and cooks it for Millard. She makes sure he is warm and comfortable and then leaves him. She will go back to the castle, free Wolf and return to him tomorrow with clean clothes and a weapon. Then she will stay with him, until he is ready to take back his crown.
Born to Rule Page 10