by A. Anders
Well, damn. How do you like that? I didn’t know what to say. Had I spent the night talking to a kindergarten teacher named Kurt? I’m absolutely sure I did. You know who could back me up on that? Brad the bartender.
I scanned the men. Brad wasn’t in the group. That was a little worrisome. Could I have made up Brad as well? No. Clearly Buck-Naked Billy was real, and someone had gotten him drunk. So the question was, where was Brad? Everyone else was here.
I spent a few more minutes looking around the dock and found nothing. Everything about this situation was disturbing.
I took my time going back to my room. Adam the Attorney was in bed when I got there, but Ian was still up.
“So you saw Kurt die, huh?” he asked casually.
“Do you remember, Kurt?” I asked hopefully.
“Nah. There were a lot of people here. But why would you make that up, right?”
I remembered seeing Ian at the cocktail party before the elimination. He had hung back like Kurt and I had, but he had talked to a few more of the guys. I didn’t remember seeing him talk to Rose, though.
The next morning Ian woke me up, encouraging me to shower before the hordes got there. I was still tired, but I took his advice. My luggage had arrived in the three hours that I had slept, so I gathered my toiletries and walked to the communal bathroom.
Although I thought the place was resort-like when I arrived, I realized that we weren’t staying at an actual resort. One thing that gave it away was that the rooms didn’t have their own bathrooms. Another thing was the buffet-style meals. This place was more of a fancy campsite.
Though I thought I had gotten up early, half of the guys were already at breakfast when I got there. If they didn’t know who I was after my rose ceremony question, everyone knew after the thing with Kurt. So once Ian found us a table, we had the pleasure of enjoying the table by ourselves. Small talk ensued.
Ian made apps for a living. You know when you walk by a store and your contact lenses suddenly project an advertisement in front of you? Ian created that app. He’s the one you can thank for that.
As I watched him eat his scrambled eggs, I did what anyone would have done; I fantasized about his death. I mostly thought about him choking in a commercial for the eggs, but I ended my fantasy when I remembered that he was the only one talking to me.
Honestly, besides that one horrible life decision, he wasn’t that bad of a guy. He was a friendly salesman type. Fortunately, he had seen more of these types of game shows than I had, so he began giving me the lay of the land.
He hadn’t gotten far when our fleet of pawns entered the wall-less commissary. Each of them found their designated person and herded us into a circle. Seeing Pete coming for me, I scooped the last of my eggs into my mouth and joined the group.
We all stood there for a moment wondering what was going on. Looking around, I realized that Brad was missing. When he scurried in to join us, his pawn opened a side slot displaying a blue three-by-five card. Brad retrieved it and theatrically read it aloud.
“The one who bears the ring is the one who will win my heart. Brad, Ford, Freddy, Ian and Victor, you all will be the first to join me on a group date.”
“What’s a group date?” I asked Ian as the pawns lead us back to our room to get ready.
“Usually, they’re some type of challenge.”
“So, it’s an opportunity to win the heart of the princess, that sort of thing?”
“Something like that.”
“And the thing about bearing the ring?”
“It’s like a clue to what we’ll be doing.”
Okay, I was getting it. The show was like a modern version of a medieval contest to win the lady’s heart. If you won the challenge, you stayed. If you lost, you got eliminated. That seemed simple enough—all I had to do was bare the ring.
Bearing the ring turned out to be a little more difficult than I had imagined. The ring was a forty-by-forty-foot octagon. Inside was a live grizzly bear.
“Hello, my fair bear baiters,” Rose began from a wooden platform overlooking the octagon. She was dressed in a nineteenth-century English maiden costume and spoke with an accent that switched between English, Irish, and pirate. She was not good at accents.
“Your challenge, if you choose to accept it, is to retrieve my mother’s ring for me. It has been placed around this gentle bear’s neck to ensure that I could only be won by the bravest among you.”
As if on cue, the bear stood on its back paws and roared. That monster had to be eight feet tall. Its claws were three inches each, and the thousand pound beast was foaming at the mouth like a rabid raccoon.
Looking closer, I noticed a bit of twine around its neck with a gold wedding ring hanging from it. So, of course, my first thought was: Are these people crazy?
“But,” she continued. “Whatever you do, don’t hurt the bear. For it is my favorite pet. And to lose the teddy bear I grew up with would break my heart and turn me sour against the man who kills it. Who shall take up this challenge and retrieve my mother’s ring?”
Yeah, they were nuts. I was out. I did not want to take on this challenge. No way was I putting myself in a cage with a wild bear for some crazy woman’s amusement.
“I do,” Brad said without hesitation.
“I do,” both Freddy and Victor said in succession.
Rose looked at Ian and me. When we didn’t reply, she continued. “Then prepare,” she said gleefully.
Apparently, only Ian and I had sense enough to not get into a cage with a thousand-pound killing machine. Wondering who would be that crazy, I examined each of the guys who agreed to it.
Freddy was the youngest of us at about twenty-three years old. He was on the shorter side and was sculpted like a bodybuilder. His constant smile and hairless face made him look naïve but friendly. I would describe him as a classic lovable dumb guy.
Victor was leaner with more of a normal-guy look. He wasn’t bulked up or overly good-looking. He had dark, wavy hair and a three-day stubble, an unhappy waiter type.
And Brad was… I had no clue what Brad was. I guess I would describe him as the guy in a toothpaste commercial.
In preparation, the pawns gave their three men a seven-inch hunting knife each. Since they weren’t supposed to kill the bear, I assumed it was to dig their own grave. And while a pawn within the cage distracted the bear with electric shocks, the guys unlatched the cage and entered.
Once the electric shocks stopped, the bear turned to the men with a blood-thirsty look in its eyes. I think it was then that they realized that they could die. Perhaps until then, they had assumed it was a bear trained to foam at the mouth. They soon realized, though, that it was a predator looking for lunch, and they scattered.
A chill ripped through my body when I realized what would happen next. I was about to see three men get eaten alive by a bear. I didn’t want to feel sorry for these idiots. These Darwinian rejects had put themselves in this situation. Still, they were human beings.
Victor and Brad were wiry. Freddy was not. Within seconds, the bear had caught him with a swipe. The force tossed Freddy’s body. The beast then ran to the fallen man and batted him between his claws like a tennis ball.
It was horrible. How could anyone just stand around watching this?
“Hey! I’m over here,” Brad screamed to my surprise.
Was he being heroic? Was Brad trying to rescue Freddy?
If he was, it worked. The bear released the limp body, looked at Brad, and then charged Victor. Why Victor? Who knows?
Victor also had no chance. It was gruesome. The vicious animal mauled him. Victor, blinded by fur, slashed the air frantically. His swipes grew weaker.
I watched, not believing what I was seeing. Why wasn’t the bear’s shock pawn doing anything to stop it? Why weren’t the producers? Had the entire world gone mad?
I next thought of Rose perched above like a Roman emperor. I wondered if she was pleased with her horror show and turned to her. To
my relief, she wasn’t. She looked more tortured by it than I was.
Resolved, I looked back at the spectacle in front of me. I didn’t know the rules of this challenge or this show. Frankly, I didn’t care. However, the last thing I was going to do was sit back and watch as someone was killed as entertainment. I would rather die than do that.
I left Ian’s side at a full sprint. Pete had placed us on the far side of the gate, but it didn’t matter. I launched myself onto the twelve-foot chain-link fence and scaled it in no time.
Balancing at the top, my heart raced. A voice in my head was screaming at me, telling me I was insane. It succumbed to the blood-curdling screams from the men below. This wasn’t a time for sanity.
Closing my eyes and spreading my arms, I entered the ring by hurling myself as far as I could go. When I landed a split second later, it was on taut muscle and matted fur.
Latching my arms around its tree trunk of a neck, my sanity quickly returned. What was I doing? I was unarmed and outmatched. I had no way to get it off of Victor. When it was done with him, it would start on me. This had to be the most stupid decision of my life.
But to my surprise, the bear did react. I had angered it. Removing its teeth from Victor’s throat, it roared.
With me clutching its neck like a lifesaver, the beast stood up. It was huge. With eight feet between me and the ground, any hope I had of escape was gone. What the hell had I done?
“Get them out!” I yelled at Brad.
With my face pressed against the scratchy fur, I caught Brad’s rescue in glimpses. Freddy was the closest to the gate, so he grabbed him first. That was the last thing I saw before the bear begun to spin.
It was furious. It wanted me off of it. Its thunderous steps shook my grip. Counting the seconds, I held on. Three, four, five… What was I doing? This whole situation was bull.
But flung from side to side, I refused to let go. The longer I held on, the more I began to believe that I could win. I had a death grip around its neck and it was staggering. I just needed a few more seconds, and then I could escape.
My fortunes changed quickly when the bear took a step forward and then missed its step back. My heart clinched before I knew what was happening. I was falling, caught between its massive weight and the ground. I was about to be crushed.
But I wasn’t. Though we were falling back uncontrollably, both the bear and I abruptly stopped.
“Ugggggggggh!” I screamed as the chain link fence sheared the skin off of my back.
When we finally hit the ground, it was with a thud. Dust plumed around us. Somehow, I was alive. Continuing to hold on as the bear returned to all fours, my chest thumped excitedly.
The stream of pain that followed, however, ended my excitement. I had padded the bear’s fall with my left arm. Something was broken. and I was slowly losing my grip.
Craaaap! I thought as the bear shook its loose skin, and I flew off of him like a tick.
I slid across the ground, losing my bearing. When I stopped, I heard something. I opened my eyes to a curtain of dust. Searching it frantically, I found the snout of the beast charging towards me.
“Hey!” I heard from behind it.
The bear didn’t stop. Just feet away, it rose, creating a wall of fur and claws. It blocked out the sun. When it fell, it was an avalanche. I rolled out of the way, escaping certain death.
“Hey!” Brad yelled again.
Was he talking to me or the bear? I wondered, hoping it was me.
Scouring the dust cloud, I found Brad. Nope, he had been talking to the bear.
With his knife in hand, Brad was crouched with arms outstretched, inviting the bear to fight. Brad looked pissed. He looked like a title contender chasing the champ. This wasn’t a rescue at all.
Since the man was clearly insane, I knew that I had to rescue myself. Looking around, I spotted Victor’s knife. It was too far away, but I had to try.
The beast lunged at me, and I rolled. It adjusted quickly, chasing me with its mouth open. Pulling my legs back, I reared and kicked, hard. My heel caught it square in the nose. It recoiled.
Here was my moment. I flipped over, crawling away as quickly as I could. I reached and grabbed at the knife. As the hilt slipped into my grip, I felt a claw rip through my calf. It tore my flesh like tissue paper. The pain sizzled through me like lightning.
I wanted to scream, but I didn’t have the time. I knew what would happen next. In a second, it would loosen the pressure on its claw to sink in its teeth. When it did, I had to be ready.
Slash! I sliced the bear from nose to eye. It backed off. Apparently, it didn’t like that. Well, I didn’t like it trying to eat me, so we were even.
When the beast returned, angrier than before, I got the feeling that we weren’t even. I was disappointed by that because I was out of tricks. With one less calf, I was forced to lie on the ground helpless as it reared its thousand pounds into the air.
With the bear about to crash on top of me, something unexpected happened. Brad launched his attack. He threw his one-hundred-and-seventy-pound body at the bear blade first and caught the beast in the neck.
I had to hand it to Brad. It was a great move. It never saw it coming.
Since I finally had a partner in this fight, I knew I had to act fast. While it was stunned, I scrambled onto my one leg and launched my own attack. Blocked from the gate, I had one move left. It was an impressive one.
Ignoring the pain in my leg, I sprung forward. Using the bear’s arm as leverage, I scissor-kicked up and wrapped my legs around its neck. And latched on, I was ready to bring the beast down into a rolling ball of fur.
This move had taken me forever to learn, but after years of practice, I was now a master. So you can imagine my disappointment when I jerked my body ready to roll, and the bear… didn’t budge.
Huh. That’s weird, I thought.
Still latched around its neck, I tried again. Determined, I bounced my torso harder and harder, sure that with one more try, it would fall, breaking its spirit and granting me victory.
None of that happened. Instead, I just hung around its neck like an ugly human necklace. Even the bear looked embarrassed for me. Awkward!
My move did give me one advantage, though. As long as I could stay there, I was clear of its teeth and claws. Latched around its neck, I could squeeze on its newly minted wound, robbing the beast of air and blood.
Fighting through the pain, I held on until thick warmth oozed down my leg. The smell of blood hung in the air. Was it mine? I couldn’t tell. However, I couldn’t keep my grip on it for much longer.
Fortunately, I didn’t have to. The eight-foot beast fell onto all fours, fighting to get me off of it. I wouldn’t let go.
Slowly, it lowered its head. Was it choking? Was it bleeding out? The real question was, who the hell cared? I was about to survive an unarmed fight with an eight-foot grizzly bear.
As the bear finally collapsed onto its side and slowed to a stop, my only thought was, Wow, I friggin’ rock. Well, that wasn’t my only thought. I was also thinking, Damn, I’m trapped under a bear.
With the knowledge that what I’d done was nearly impossible, I was hesitant to look up. It was never my intention to bring attention to myself. I didn’t want it, and I didn’t deserve it.
Okay, yes. I had saved two people’s lives by scaling a twelve-foot fence and fighting a thousand-pound bear barehanded. I could see how people might be impressed by that. But believe me, I didn’t deserve cheers or applause or anything like that.
In fact, just a knowing smile from Brad, if he reached down and helped me up, would be enough. Or perhaps a discrete “Thank you” from the producers for having prevented an absolute disaster. If I had to suffer embarrassing adoration for what I had just done, that’s the most I was willing to accept.
Luckily for me, everyone spared me such embarrassment.
When I finally mustered the courage and looked up, I found that Brad had long ago left the cage. He was certainl
y smiling, but it was because he was handing the gold ring to Rose.
Apparently, he had stabbed the bear to cut the twine from its neck. My epic life-and-death battle had given him the opportunity to find it in the dirt.
“We have a winner!” I heard Rose say. “For retrieving my ring, you will get a one-on-one date with me so that you can tell me of your other great deeds.”
Brad smiled enthusiastically. Why? Because he had just won the friggin’ challenge.
First of all, hey! I saved two people’s lives by scaling a twelve-foot fence and fighting a thousand-pound bear barehanded! How is Brad the winner? Second of all, was everyone here completely insane?
Thankfully, not everyone was. After Rose’s pawn led her and Brad away for their one-on-one date, Ian entered the octagon. As I hardly had any strength left in my shredded calf, he helped me get out from under the now-rousing beast. And quickly closing the gate behind us, I joined the other injured men.
To my surprise, the pawns had an upgrade that I hadn’t expected. They were also triage bots. Pete approached me and scanned my leg and arm with a blue light from a side port. I knew what was coming next, and when I felt it, I couldn’t have been happier.
“Oh yeah. That’s the stuff,” I purred, feeling it.
Pete sprayed both limbs with a familiar blend of anti-coagulant, stem cells, and pain killers. It was every trooper’s friend. In spite of it being a spray, we called it “magic dust.” It was the one thing that always reminded me that we were living in the future.
Magic dust was created by the military to get troops back onto the battlefield as quickly as possible, but when it entered the commercial market, it turned the entire population into idiots. Hey, you wanna go hang glide from the window of a high-rise with your parachute on fire? Why not? Just a few sprays afterward and you’ll be as good as new!
All a person had to do after an accident was not die, and they’d be fine. Just idiots! The entire human race had become a bunch of risk-taking idiots… said the man receiving treatment after scaling a twelve-foot fence to fight a grizzly bear.