by K-lee Klein
“You don’t expect me to believe that, do you?”
A soft chuckle huffed close to JT’s ear. “All right, maybe not quite like that, ya little bastard.” Brett paused to squeeze the daylights out of JT. “But you get what I’m saying, right?”
“Essentially, yes.”
“Okay, well. I told her saying I love you, baby, in front of my thirteen-year-old friends every single time I was going somewhere was just not acceptable. So after she sent me to my room for a few hours, she decided I was right.”
JT turned to face Brett, twisting until he had one leg on each side of Brett’s hips. He wanted to see his cowboy’s beautiful eyes as he told a darn good yarn. Fuck, now I’m turning into Ray. Again.
“She said any time she wanted to tell me she loved me, she’d call me Darlin’, so that’s what she did. Eventually, when I was older, she stopped doing it, just reverted back to random I love yous like you’ve probably heard her do.” Brett arched an eyebrow as he peered into JT’s eyes.
“And you picked it up?”
“Yeah, not intentionally, and after a while I didn’t use it either, but then I met Walt and it started right up again.”
JT liked the one-eighty twirl his heart did inside his chest. “So it’s not about Walt at all.”
“Nope.” After a shake of his head, Brett leaned his forehead to JT’s. “It’s just about love I guess.”
“So the first time you called me Darlin’, you knew you loved me?” JT’s brain worked double-time to recall that exact moment.
Brett’s quick answer sent shivers up JT’s spine. “I believe I did.”
He couldn’t help his gaping surprise. “The night you asked me to sleep in your bed?”
“I suspect it was before that.” Brett glowed bright pink and averted his eyes, long lashes covering the twinkling blue.
JT wound his fingers through Brett’s hair, forcing his head back up, and he pondered the statement. He really loved his cowboy’s hair and its usefulness. “But sometimes you say it with I love you, Darlin’.”
“I know. Must just mean I love you twice as much at that particular time.”
“You’re such a sap.”
“It’s Valentine’s Day, Darlin’.”
“You know I love you, so do you want me to use Darlin’ too?” He’d do it if he had to, but it seemed such a Brett thing to do.
“No, saying you love me is all I need. I’ll try not to use it so much either since I despise those couples that are always using sweet names for each other. Can’t promise it’ll be an easy transition, but—”
“I’m perfectly okay with it, Brett. I’ve never had a pet name like that—or any pet name for that matter—other than JT, and not before Millie picked me up on the side of the road.”
“All right. I guess we’ll see how it goes, then. I do have one more thing I wanna tell you before I cart your freezing ass up the stairs though.”
“I’d like to see you try.” For shit’s sake. All JT wanted was a shower and a warm, soft bed with Brett holding him, of course. But he played along. “So am I going to like this other thing?”
“I reckon.” Brett’s sly grin gave JT a little bit of hope, besides making his heart very happy. “Can you hand me my phone? I think it fell out of my pocket when you were having your way with me.”
Having his way with Brett—JT snorted but reached for Brett’s battered old cell nonetheless.
“Thank you, Darlin’.” Brett’s cheeks pinked up. “Sorry. That was unintentional.”
JT liked the sound of it even more since he knew its history. The word meant love, and what gay man in his right mind, or any man for that matter, didn’t want to hear they were loved?
After fiddling with the buttons, Brett held the phone in front of JT’s face. “See that?”
“My name and number?” JT squinted at the tiny screen. Nothing seemed out of the ordinary.
“Before your name.”
“Ice? Is that some other kind of nickname I should know about?” It didn’t sound like a particularly sexy or loving endearment at all.
“It’s not ice. It’s I.C.E.” Brett spelled it out slowly, but JT still didn’t get it.
“Okay…?”
“It stands for ‘in case of emergency.’ It means you’re my personal contact now. It’s always been my mama before.”
JT shifted so his bare ass wasn’t touching the floor, his long legs cramping from the position. Brett obliged him by leaning back a bit, his weight resting on his hands for balance. “What about Walt?”
“I never changed it before. I don’t know why. Maybe because of the whole stupid fucking image thing on the road. Couldn’t have anyone finding out I was gay even if I was dead, you know. Not my choice, I swear. Does that seem wrong to you?”
Nothing about Brett seemed wrong in JT’s eyes, his brain, his heart. “Just seems like you’re a different man than you were then.” He stroked a hand over Brett’s jaw, then up to his cheek. The sweet reciprocation was a kiss pressed to his fingers, so he let his hand linger.
“That’s true. Or it might have been my damn manager telling me I couldn’t have a man as my emergency contact.”
“That sounds shitty.” Possessiveness streaked through JT in the form of heat to his heart and a ball of anger in his stomach. He couldn’t believe someone could be so callous, but then again, he didn’t really understand the world Brett had lived in as Brett Blakk. Truth be told, he didn’t want to know if it was compiled of things that had hurt his cowboy. “I’m proud to be your ice.”
“All right. I suppose you’ll make Ray yours, yeah?”
JT didn’t blink an eye before answering. “Of course. Who else would I want making decisions for me? Certainly not the man I’m currently squashing.”
Brett was quiet, his face soft and beautiful when he arched up to kiss JT. It was slow and sensual, bordering on Valentine’s Day sweet. In other words, it was perfect.
“I can’t believe you wrote me a song and sang it in front of real people.” He framed Brett’s face between his hands, thumbing over his cheekbones as he kissed each side of his mouth slowly. He finished with tiny nips to his bottom lip.
“Who’d you prefer? The horses?”
“Smartass.” JT pushed a little too hard against Brett, and suddenly he was sprawled on the floor with Brett groaning beneath him.
“Jesus Christ. Are you trying to kill me? You’re a heavy young thing on an old man’s fragile body.” Brett whimpered and moaned dramatically. “At least they’ll know who to call.”
“You’re so full of shit, your eyes should be brown.”
“Well then they’d be pretty like yours.”
“You’re going to make me hurl. Can we go to bed now? Maybe clean some of the mud off first?”
But apparently Brett wasn’t quite ready. He circled a hand around the back of JT’s neck, his fingertips rubbing gently before he relaxed against the floor. He tugged JT down with him, pulling him into a full-body hug. His words vibrated close to JT’s ear as he held him close.
“I was worried you’d be embarrassed, or mad because I didn’t get you a card. I really meant to, but time just got the better—”
JT’s heart melted into a ball of goo. “I loved my song. Didn’t I tell you that?”
“You’re just saying that because it was about you.” JT could feel Brett smirk against his ear.
“Shut your mouth, cowboy. And why would I need a card when I have a whole song to myself?”
“I did mean it when I said you’re my forever. Corny as shit but true. Are you happy here, on the ranch I mean?”
“Why?” JT pushed himself up, straddling Brett’s hips as he searched his face. He gently caressed Brett’s chest, separating the fabric of his shirt again so his fingers met sweat-chilled skin.
“Just more worries in my head. It was Walt’s place, so I just wondered if that was awkward for you, I suppose.”
“Did Millie just happen to mention that too?”
Brett smiled smugly up at him. “Nope, that was all me. Sometimes I have the brains I was born with.”
“I’m not afraid of your memories. This is your home.”
“Just wood and nails. It can always be replaced, but you can’t.”
The genuine concern on Brett’s face made JT a little breathless. He leaned over again, mere inches separating their lips. “You didn’t let me finish. It’s our home. I’ve never felt better anywhere else. Walt doesn’t need to completely disappear… not as long as you love me.”
“I rightly do. More than anything.”
Best Valentine’s Day ever.
Chapter 5
THE NEXT few days were filled with hard work and planning—the work mostly done by JT and an extra hand Brett had finally hired to get things shipshape. He’d bought two foals from an auction in January, and they were due to arrive in March, so the stables were being refurbished.
Brett and Ray did most of the planning—mainly to do with the tearing down of the old barn and deciding what could be built in its place. Brett’s intention was to get the job done as quickly as possible—his words firm, emotionless, and not completely believable to JT.
But it wasn’t so much doubt that had JT ruminating on Brett’s actions, but more something he wasn’t letting himself feel—loss. JT knew there were big feelings wrapped up in the old building, and though he didn’t believe Brett was trying to hide anything, he couldn’t help searching for the little cracks of regret in his composed demeanor.
He decided to take Ray’s advice and stop treating Brett with kid gloves. So two nights before the barn burning, he took matters into his own hands.
“Dang it, kid. It’s too damn cold for a walk in the moonlight, and I don’t think you’ve ever asked me to do such a fool thing before, California kid.”
JT snatched Brett’s hand, squeezing before tugging him until they were flush together. “You’re sounding so much like Ray, I might have to make you sleep on the couch.”
Miraculously Brett stopped his bitching and released a low chuckle, but his gaze didn’t seem as sure. “Can’t risk that, now can I? How ’bout telling me where we’re going, then, Darlin’.”
The simple endearment had taken on new meaning for JT, skyrocketing renewed love to his heart whenever Brett used it. “We’re here.” JT kissed Brett’s stubble-hewn jaw, untangling their fingers so he could wind his arm around his shoulders. “Trust me, okay?”
With a gentle nuzzle of his nose to JT’s ear, Brett whispered, “Always.”
All the electricity had been stripped from the barn, and nothing remained inside except the smattering of straw on the floor. JT drew the flashlight he’d stashed out of his pocket and switched it on when they stepped inside. Brett had gone silent, his hand sliding slowly around JT’s waist.
“There are a lot of memories in here. I thought we could take a little time to reflect.”
“You trying to psychologize me again, kid?”
JT laughed at Brett’s obvious attempt to lighten the mood. “I never did that in the first place. You only thought I did.”
“I know,” Brett replied softly. They stood just inside the doorway, Brett’s gaze sheepish as he chewed on his bottom lip. “I told you I was done with this place.”
With a stilted nod, JT leaned in to kiss the gnawed spot on Brett’s mouth. “I decided I’m not. Do you mind humoring me just a little?”
Brett’s reply was a wink before he moved farther into the barn. JT followed with a thankful smile, striding side-by-side with the man he adored. He shone the light on the floor, deliberately bypassing the stain as he dragged Brett toward the ladder.
“Kinda dark for a chat in the loft. Don’t want you to fall—”
Fuck! JT stopped abruptly. What had been a gesture to help Brett say goodbye had suddenly developed into a cruel twist of fate that JT had set up himself. “Shit, I’m sorry. I didn’t even think… fuck.”
“Relax, Darlin’.” Brett stroked a finger over JT’s jaw. “I’m not going to crumble to the floor. Just tell me why we’re here.”
“I thought it was for you, but maybe… maybe I need my own closure. But if it’s too hard for you—”
“Shine the light. I’ll go first.” Brett looked at him with what could only be described as a perfect expression of trust.
He managed a nod as he tipped the beam so it illuminated the top of the ladder. The loft was empty since he’d last been up there. Brett had moved his guitar cases and boxes to the house, stowing them in the spare room until he decided what to do with them. When Brett reached the top of the ladder, he grabbed JT’s hand and stepped up behind him.
“Can we sit for a bit?” It was a stupid question, but Brett didn’t bat an eye.
“I’m all yours.”
Brett slid his back down the wall, settling himself on the floor as JT shuffled into the corner so he was immediately to Brett’s right but able to see his face. Brett reached for his hand, and JT quickly entwined their fingers. They sat quietly, eyes adjusting to the dimness, the flashlight on the floor beside them making a thin stream of light across the loft floor. After a few minutes, the heavy pounding of JT’s heart got the best of him.
“I…um,” he said, avoiding Brett’s steely gaze. “I’ve always felt a little uncomfortable in here.”
With a nod, Brett thumbed over JT’s knuckles. He spoke softly. “I suspected as much. Wanna tell me what’s going on?”
JT sighed as if the weight of the world was on his shoulders. And maybe it was, just a little. “My plan was to help rid you of your demons. To get some closure before the place was gone.” It really sounded like a ridiculous idea now.
Brett squinted and puffed out his lip. “Closure, huh?” he asked. “For you or me?”
JT contemplated that for a moment. Brett, patient as always, quietly waited him out. “Originally I thought you needed it. But you don’t see… it’s not for you, is it?”
“I can’t rightly speak for you, kid, but I think I’m good. You?”
Dammit. Plan fail but…. “Did I just set up my own intervention?” JT snickered. “I feel like an idiot.”
“You ain’t any kind of idiot, Darlin’. This is your home, and if something is bothering you, then we need to deal with it, right?”
“Yeah. What happened here was really horrible.”
“You won’t hear no argument from me. Is that why you think we need some kind of closure? Because of what happened… because Walt died in here?”
“No.” The word was too quick, and JT immediately regretted it. “That’s not… I mean no disrespect to him. You know that, right?”
“Of course.” Brett shifted closer, his shoulder now solid comfort against JT’s. His words were gentle, controlled. “But I can see why this wouldn’t be your first choice for hanging out. It’s not rocket science, I suppose. I think the only time we were in here together, I was drunk off my ass and madder than a hatter. Don’t think I can ever be sorry enough about that. Hitting you, I mean.”
JT shook his head. It was exactly how he hadn’t expected—wanted—things to go. “That’s not what I—”
But Brett cut him off. “You know I’m ashamed to even say it, right? That I did that when all I wanna do is make that night go away.”
“Ah, babe,” JT said. He moved farther into the corner, slumping his head so it rested on Brett’s shoulder. His cowboy took the cue, dropping his hand and winding an arm around JT’s shoulders. He kissed the top of his head, then leaned back against the wall. “Not all of it, I hope.”
“Of course not,” Brett said gruffly. “But I still haven’t gotten over what I did—what a fucking dumbass I was. I worry that you’ll never trust me completely, you know?”
JT knocked his head to Brett’s shoulder. “Well don’t. I trust you or I wouldn’t have stuck around.”
“Yeah?”
“Yeah. It’s history, Brett. I wouldn’t be here if I held a grudge or was scared of you. We’re human. Shit happens.�
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Brett cocked his head, seemingly lost in a memory. “I even talked to old Ray about it. Not even sure why except I wonder sometimes about why you’re still here.” Brett paused a moment, like he was recalling Ray’s words. “He brought up that time he hit me when I was being an asshole. He asked me if I considered not being his friend anymore because of it. I told you about that, right?”
“Yeah. Ray doesn’t seem like a particularly violent man. Kind of like you.”
“He’s not. As long as I’ve known him, that was the only time I ever heard of him lifting his hand to anyone else… unless it was back in his younger, wild days.”
“So did you? Consider it?”
“I deserved it, and he was only standing up for his best friend and knocking some sense into me in a way that suited the situation. That wasn’t the case with you though.”
JT squeezed Brett’s thigh, tipping his head back so he could look in his eyes. “Do you go around hitting a lot of people, Brett?”
“Nope. And that’s the damn truth.”
After wetting his lips, JT said what needed to be said. “Were you angry at me that night? Yes. Did I deserve the anger? Yes. Did I deserve to be punched in the mouth? No.”
Brett shifted uncomfortably against him. “Sounds about right, I suppose.”
“My point is that I knew the pain you were in. I knew the agony you’d been in for years, and I suspected that messing around in your personal business would hurt you. It did, and you got riled up. You were passionate in that moment, pissed off with good reason, and the alcohol took you to a place I know you’d never purposely go. I can’t say I wouldn’t have done the same thing.”
The fact Brett’s body remained stiff against JT’s side pointed to him not being completely convinced. “Not sure that makes as much sense as you seem to think, but it maybe means you’ve forgiven me?”