Robin's mouth twisted unpleasantly.
'Nice try, Alex. Oh, I don't blame you. You've had women throwing themselves at you for years, and you wouldn't be human if you resisted it when Deb offered herself to you…'
His words reminded her painfully of the moment in the sunlit garden when she had done just that, utterly oblivious of everything but Alex, and she turned away, giving a low, hoarse cry of agony.
She heard Alex move, heard a crunching impact of bone on bone, and spun round in astonishment to find Robin sprawling on his back, his hand incredulously feeling his jaw. Alex stood, fists clenched, his face black with rage. 'Get out of here,' he said thickly. 'You're finished in this firm. And you can tell your gossiping cronies out there that I've asked Deborah to marry me, not to be my mistress, and if anyone else shows her any spite or discourtesy they're finished too. Do you understand me?'
White, Robin got up, looking incredulous. He backed out of the room without another word. Deborah sank down on to her chair, dropping her face on to her hands.
Alex stood there for a moment, watching her, then he said flatly. 'I've burnt our boats, Deb. You'll have to marry me now, whether you like it or not. If you refuse, they'll all believe you're my mistress.'
'You don't want to marry me!' she said, her voice muffled by her hands.
'We get on well enough,' he said casually. 'While we were at the cottage it was fun, wasn't it? You don't find my company boring or distasteful, do you?'
She shook her head, her face still buried out of sight. She was so deeply tempted that her voice shook as she said, 'But it wouldn't work. I'm resigning, Alex. Once I've gone it will blow over and anyway, in this business who cares whether I was your mistress or not?'
'I read your resignation note,' he said casually. 'I tore it up and threw it in the wastepaper basket. When you leave here it will be when I say so, not before.'
She half laughed, half groaned. 'Don't push me around, Alex. I don't want to marry you.'
His voice hardened. 'Too bad, because you're going to have to, like it or not. If you think I'm going to have this story running around the gossip columns you're wrong… you've got to marry me. I'll lose face if you refuse after a public announcement like that.'
She lifted her head, pushing straying blonde hair out of her eyes. 'Robin lost face and you expect him to put up with it.'
His face blackened with rage. 'I'm not Robin! You're going to marry me, Deb.'
She stood up and collected her things. 'There's no point in prolonging the argument. I'll go now. I've resigned and I'll forfeit my salary. It would be easier if I went straight away.'
Alex stared at her, the angular cheekbones forcing their way through his brown skin as he kept his temper. Cruelty tautened the wide, hard mouth. 'I should have taken you when I had the chance. Then you would have been grateful for an offer of marriage.'
The words bit home like daggers. Deborah swayed, her face losing colour. Pulling herself together, she walked out of the office and through the whispering, staring girls,, her head held high, looking neither to left nor to right.
She was half afraid Alex would follow her, but she reached the lift without an incident, and at last she was out of the building and alone.
She was too emotionally torn to go back to her flat. On impulse she took a taxi to the Zoo and walked around the enclosures, staring sightlessly at the animals, barely aware of where she was or what happened around her. Finding herself near the cafe, she went inside and got some coffee and sat drinking it. Time seemed to be dragging past. She was too miserable to care what she did, and as she passed a cinema an hour later, she went inside and sat through a long programme of French films, understanding nothing of what she saw on the screen, her mind unrolling for her totally different scenes which made her shiver with anguish and desire.
Remembering her life before she went to Nice, she felt she had altered totally, as if every cell in her body were changed. The cool, collected girl who had run the office so efficiently, keeping Alex firmly at bay while forming tidy plans of a pleasant future with Robin, had been a stranger she could barely recall.
In a few days Alex had wrenched her out of her formal pattern, driven her mad with love and destroyed her whole view of life. Now she had to pick up the pieces of her life and begin again, but this time, she thought wryly, with deeper understanding of her own nature. She had too many plans, had too many fixed ideas. She had never understood herself or her own emotions.
On the screen a thin dark girl was saying hoarsely, 'Je t'aime,' again and again, and the words percolated to Deborah's brain suddenly, bringing a wave of heat sweeping over her body. Through the flood of her troubled emotions one fact stuck like granite piercing water — she loved Alex.
She might be made desperately unhappy by that love, but it had shaken up the jigsaw puzzle of her life, making the pieces fit. Love could hurt deeply, even destroy, but it enriched life more than it diminished it. She would never regret having loved him. It had given her life a framework at last.
It was growing dark when she came out of the cinema, and she was very tired. She had worn her body out that morning, walking around the Zoo endlessly. This afternoon she had sat in the darkened cinema wearing out her mind with enduring the pain of loving Alex. Now she jumped on a bus and found her way back to her flat, knowing she would sleep that night. She was too tired to do anything else.
She let herself into the flat and came to a halt in alarm seeing Alex leaning back in a corner of the sofa. He looked grimly intent as they looked at each other. He was wearing a black rollneck sweater and jeans, his thick dark hair dishevelled as though he had been out in a high wind. The silvery eyes ran over her.
'Where the hell have you been all day?' he demanded jerkily. 'I was beginning to think of ringing the police.'
'Where's Judith?' she asked flatly.
'She had to go out,' he said.
She sighed. 'Did you ask her to go out, Alex?'
'Yes,' he said bitingly. 'O.K., I asked her to go out. We've got to talk, Deb, like it or not.'
'We've said all we have to say,' she said, bending her head, the blonde hair falling over her slight shoulders.
'I haven't said all I have to say,' he told her, his voice growing harder.
'I don't want to hear any more,' she said wearily. 'Please, go, Alex. I'm so tired.'
He got up in a fierce movement and pushed her backward on to the sofa. Deborah sighed, leaning there, unable to move. He sat down again and looked at her, his eyes narrowed. She could feel him working out what to say next; she had seen him negotiating so many times before. She knew every subtle twist and turn of that shrewd mind.
Suddenly he said, 'You know why I want to marry you, Deb.'
She tensed. She had not expected a direct attack of this kind. She looked at him warily. 'It wouldn't work.'
'You know damned well it works,' he said thickly. 'Every time we touch each other it works.'
Her face flooded with colour. She trembled, her eyes dropping, and her hands twisted in her lap.
Alex watched her, waiting for her to answer, then said brutally, 'I could have you now and you wouldn't even stop me.'
She looked at him, then, her eyes bitterly angry. But she did not try to deny it.
His breathing quickened. 'If you're worried about other women you needn't be. I'll keep my marriage vows. There's going to be no other woman.'
Her heart missed a beat, staring at him. Then her eyes clouded over and she shook her head. 'You're leaving out a vital factor, Alex.'
His eyes narrowed and a strange brooding look came into his face. 'What?' he asked tersely.
'Love,' she said simply.
He leaned back against the back of the sofa, his face unreadable. 'All right,' he said at last in cool tones. 'If you fall in love with another man after we're married, I'll give you a divorce. Will that do?'
She stared at him, half on the point of tears, half hysterical with laughter. 'You're such a fool, Alex,'
she said weakly.
'I must be,' he said, his jaw hard.'
'And if you fall in love I'm to give you a divorce, of course?' she asked mockingly.
'I won't,' he said with certainty.
'Oh, Alex, don't tempt fate. You can't make predictions about love,' she said sadly. 'They didn't call it the cruel god in the ancient world without reason.'
He shrugged. 'You know my views about the subject. Well, Deb, is it a bargain?'
She still hesitated, then, with a sigh, she capitulated. She might regret it bitterly later, but tonight she was too tired to run any more, and she nodded.
Alex let out a long sigh, relaxing. 'God, you strike a hard bargain, Deb. Even an escape clause. We'll get married right away. There's no point in waiting.' His eyes darkened. 'No point,' he repeated.
She trembled, seeing the look in his eyes. 'Very well,' she agreed calmly enough.
'Anyway,' he said mockingly, 'you might change your mind. The sooner the better. Where do you want to go for a honeymoon? Italy? The West Indies? Greece?'
She shrugged. 'Do we need a honeymoon? It's hardly a conventional love match.'
His face tightened. 'Don't irritate me, Deb.'
She surveyed him through her lashes. 'I'd prefer somewhere quiet and peaceful rather than a luxury hotel.' With a stir of the heart she thought of some country cottage where she could cook meals for him, wash his clothes and find his ties when he lost them.
He grinned. 'How would it do if I persuaded Mother to lend us her cottage while she had a holiday in some romantic spot? Would you like that?'
Her senses tingled. She could not meet his eyes, her mouth suddenly dry. 'Why not?' she asked huskily. 'It must be very pretty there when the weather is fine.'
'I'll ring her,' he said, rising. 'Her telephone will be working again by tonight. When I tell her we're getting married it will be the surprise of her life.' He grinned. 'I expect she'll suspect it's a joke. She could have had no idea when we were there.'
Deborah kept her eyes lowered. 'I like your mother,' she said. 'I hope she'll approve.'
'Of course she'll approve,' he said. He stood there, staring at her bent head. The silence between them elongated. She heard her heart beating fast. 'Kiss me, Deb,' he said, his voice suddenly rough.
She looked up at him, suddenly shy. Jerkily he bent, taking her face between both hands, and kissed her softly. Her lips parted and her eyes closed. She waited for his kiss to deepen, but after a slight hesitation he released her and moved away. He was flushed. 'Goodnight, Deb.' He walked to the door. 'For once I'll make all the arrangements, my efficient Miss Portman. I'll have to rearrange my business schedule to free myself for a fortnight. I should think we could be married next week and fly back to Nice at once.' He gave her a hard smile. 'I'll have to find another assistant, too, won't I?'
'If we're married there's no reason why I should leave,' she said in realisation.
Alex frowned. 'Damn you, my wife isn't working, especially in the same office as myself. How the hell would I get any work done?'
'And it might interfere with your flirtations with people like Sammy Starr,' she said, suddenly bitter.
His brows jerked together. 'There'll be no flirtations,' he told her bitingly. 'I gave you my word and I never break my word. Oh, go to bed, Deb. You look drained and your temper is fraying at the edge. We'll discuss things when you're less fraught.' He went out slamming the door hard.
Deborah stared at the door, sighing. She knew she had made a terrible error in agreeing to marry him, but it was done now. How was she going to bear the agony of being his wife, sharing his bed, and knowing he did not love her?
10
'Are you pulling my leg?' Judith enquired incredulously, gazing at Deborah with great eyes. She sat down heavily, the ginger mass of her hair full and untidy as ever.
Deborah shook her head soberly. I'm marrying him next week,' she told her quietly.
Judith surveyed her in silence for a long moment. 'Deb, are you mad? You know only too well what sort of man he is… you might as well keep a tiger in a cage as try to make a married man out of Alex St James!'
Deborah's mouth twisted. 'It's a chance I'm going to have to take,' she said. 'I know I'm mad. I know all the commonsense reasons why I shouldn't marry him, including the fact that I'm crazily in love with him and he doesn't even believe in love… but I'm past caring. Even if he never loves me, even if he's unfaithful to me, I want to be his wife.' She made a self-derisive face. 'I'm too used to doing things for him, Judith. I've been his right hand man for four years, and if I left I don't know if I could bear it. Being his wife is just the same, in a way. I can take care of him.'
Judith closed her eyes and groaned. 'Oh, heaven preserve us! You're a glutton for punishment. Deb, being his wife is a lot more complicated than being a mixture of housekeeper and secretary.'
Deborah's throat closed in sudden excitement and apprehension. 'I know that,' she said.
Their eyes met silently, then Judith spread her hands in a wry gesture.
'Oh, well, I hope it works out for you.' Her eyes smiled. 'I'll have to find a new flatmate, and I doubt if I'll ever find one as easy to live with as you've been, not to mention one who likes cooking and housework.'
'I'll pay my share of the rent until you do find one,' Deborah said earnestly.
Judith laughed. 'Oh, Deb, I shall miss you…'
'I'll be around,' said Deborah, warmed by the remark. 'You must come to visit us.' Her heart shook as she said the word. It had a deep personal significance for her. For the first time in her life she would be half of a couple, belonging to another person, and although she had contemplated marrying Robin she knew suddenly that never had that special magic of belonging ever touched their relationship.
A few days later she had just finished taking a leisurely bath, her blonde hair pinned up on top of her head, her white neck exposed in a soft sweep, when she heard a knock at the door and looked at it in surprise. She was due to go out to dinner with Alex that evening, their first real time together since she became engaged to him, hence her elaborate preparations.
Making a face, she thought: how typical of him to catch me still half dressed! He was not due for an hour. Then she realised it must be Judith coming home. She had been kept late at school that evening with a parents' meeting, but perhaps she had been able to get away before she had expected. Judith often forgot her key. She was as absentminded with that as with all her other possessions.
Opening the door, a teasing smile on her face, Deborah was stricken to silence by finding Robin on the doorstep.
He looked very attractive, in evening clothes, his expression stubborn yet filled with embarrassment.
She collected herself with an effort. 'Hallo, Robin.' She stood in his path, making it clear she did not intend to invite him into the flat.
His pleasant eyes looked pleadingly at her. 'I've got to talk to you, Deb.'
'What about?' she asked flatly.
'You know what I mean,' he said awkwardly. His jaw tightened. 'Oh, look, I jumped to disgusting conclusions about you the other day. I've come to apologise… Deb, I was in a temper. I didn't really believe those things, I was just hurt and angry. Look, I have to explain, please…'
She hesitated, then stood back and he came into the flat. She pulled her loose silk wrap closer around her and faced him, waiting.
Robin ran a hand through his hair. 'I'd invited young Hussey from our department to join us for the party,' he said. 'He was visiting his sister in Exeter, and as he was so close I asked him to drive over for the party. Of course, he knew about our engagement, and when you just failed to turn up without having rung or contacted me, it was bloody embarrassing.' He looked at her, remembered hurt sparking in his eyes. 'Good lord, Deb, he knew about your trip to Nice with Alex. Everyone in the office knew. I felt an idiot.' His colour deepened. 'I didn't know where to put myself.'
'I'm sorry, Robin,' she said, appalled. 'I can understand how you felt. I'm so
rry, truly… I didn't mean to hurt you… I'm fond of you. But…' she made a helpless gesture. 'I've fallen in love with Alex.'
Robin stared at her incredulously. 'After four years? Suddenly like that? After all you've said about him?'
'It sound stupids, put like that,' she said, flushing. 'I can't begin to explain. I suppose I have always loved him. I just never knew before.'
Robin's colour was high. 'Deb…' He hesitated, then stammered angrily, 'Did you and he…'
'No,' she said, reading his mind. 'No.'
'Deb, how can you just switch like that?' He sounded more angry than hurt. 'You were getting engaged to me one minute, the next you say you're marrying him.' 'I'm sorry. I made a mistake,' she said lamely. 'I mistook my fondness for you for love.' She looked at him gently. 'I am fond of you, you know, really fond of you. But marriage takes more than that.'
'Have you got a drink?' he asked abruptly. 'I need one. I had to screw myself up to the point of coming here, and I feel terrible…'
She went into the kitchen to find him a glass of the brandy Judith had been given by one of her boy-friends last Christmas. Robin fidgeted, loosening his tie. 'I'm hot,' he said, shedding his jacket. 'I feel pretty shaken about all this, Deb.' He took the glass and swallowed some of the brandy. 'I've had a hell of a time.'
'Have you found another job?' she asked anxiously. 'Or would you like me to speak to Alex?'
'No, I damn well wouldn't,' he said, furious. He turned away abruptly and the frill of his evening shirt caught on the corner of the kitchen cabinet, ripping, so that it dangled in a torn strip. 'Oh, damn!' he exclaimed, exasperated. 'That's all I need! I'm having dinner with a potential employer and now I shall look like a tramp!'
Deborah found herself suppressing an affectionate smile. Robin's pride, not his heart, had been hurt, she thought, or he would not be so concerned with his appearance. 'Take it off,' she said kindly. 'I'll mend it.'
He caught the look on her face and grimaced. 'I'm sorry. I sound hysterical, I know, but I've had a hell of a week…' He took off his shirt, his back towards her, and she went into her bedroom, leaving him in the kitchen finishing his brandy. Getting out her sewing machine, she repaired the frill so that the tear was invisible. She left the shirt on the bed and called Robin. He came, his glass in his hand, looking more cheerful. She hoped he had not been drinking too much if he wanted to get another job.
Duel of Desire Page 15