I walked back to him under the tree and lifted his tiny figure off the ground to take him to the spot I'd chosen as his final resting place but my body didn't want to comply, it was if somebody had dumped me in a field of quicksand and each step I took was heavier, harder than the last. I fought the feeling knowing I was doing the right thing but I was at war with myself because as much as I knew I had to do this. I didn't want, no couldn't let go of him. After what felt like the biggest struggle of my life I knelt before the hole I'd dug with Thomas wrapped up to his shoulders in a warm fluffy blanket and kiss his forehead. I studied him wanting to remember each and every little perfect line or freckle, how his dark, almost black hair that was so similar to mine would fall to one side because of his cow's lick, the tiny scar in between his eyes at the top of his nose from the time he had gotten chicken pox from a boy at playschool, he had only been 3 and trying to stop him itching had been a nightmare, his perfect little lips, and button nose. Tears stung my eyes blurring my vision and my voiced cracked as I tried to tell him how much he was loved and how much I would miss him.
With no body for Ryan, I would mark this as both Thomas and Ryan's resting place. I knew Susanne and Eric would want to hold a service but this would be where I imagined him to be, where I would come to feel near to them both and in time I would show them this place, it was on their land and I knew once they saw it they would feel the same. This place was beautiful, peaceful, untouched our boys could rest in peace here.
I gently gave Thomas a final kiss covered his face with the blanket and place him in the hole. I stood there a moment trying to find some final words to convey how much they were both loved how much I would miss them but I had no more words I had no more anything left. I was just an empty shell, numb, I was as much in that hole as Thomas was. After I covered him over I collected a bundle of wildflowers from around the glade and place them at the top of Thomas grave. I had no way of giving him a headstone or the likes of but not wanting to leave it bare I also collected a load of pebbles and rocks from over by the river and used them to spell out Thomas and Ryan's name inside a love heart. That was it, I sat down next to his grave unable to say or do anymore. Bert came and laid beside me his head resting on my legs. My heart was so broken I reckoned maybe staying here in this spot was just as good as any there was nothing left for me anymore no hope to go on, no Thomas, no Ryan. But the world was a bitch and just kept on rolling out the punches after hours of sitting next to Thomas and Ryan's resting place I watched as day turned to night but with the darkness grew a storm.
I could see black storm clouds on the horizon. An almighty crashing noise that sounded like the sky was cracking open right above me, so loud that it echoed through the glade and through my ears. I felt the wind picked up and even though I had no desire to leave I found myself getting up and heading for the secret path. I made my way through the dense woodland but about five minutes into it the heavens opened up, Rain poured down, the droplets so heavy my clothes were soaked within seconds not that I could feel much cold I just trudge on though walking on muscle memory to lead me out.
Once we were out of the denser woodland the rain really beat down if I had been wet before it was nothing compared to now, the trees had shielded more rain than I had thought within 3 or 4 steps it was like I had stepped into a swamp. I had no desire to hurry I just kept trekking through the mud until the trees began thinning out and I knew it wouldn't be long until I was back at the edge of Susanne and Eric's field.
The wind had picked up speed and was blowing so hard now that it was picking up bits of leaves and twigs, with the rain pouring down as well it was getting hard to see. I had to shield my eyes and eventually I came to a ditch “Crap” I shouted to no one and nothing. I had walked further along than I wanted to and this part of the wood stood higher than the woodland and field below I knew I could walk along it and it would start evening out about half a mile through the woods or slide down the 30-metre verge. I was already wet and dirty so what did it matter. I even told myself that if I slipped and broke my neck that, that didn’t matter either.
I sat down on the bank ready to just slid down the hill when I heard a noise over the thundering wind and rain, it sounded like a bark. I spun around to see where Bert was, he had been right beside me seconds ago but now he was gone, the movement of me turning around so quickly while sat on my arse made me slip and I rolled down the hill, I tried to right myself but it was too wet and I built too much speed in the end I tumbled and turned until I hit the bottom a jumbled-up mess.
As soon as I could, I sat up scanning for Bert. A moment later he came bounding down the hill with far more dignity and grace than I had. I got up to stroke him to check he was ok but he turned his back to me and started barking back up at the woods. I looked around and could see nothing but it didn't help that it was evening and the wind was blowing the rain in my face. Bert had better senses than me and stood there growling, his teeth bared, poised ready to pounce I had never seen him like this, he looked vicious. I trusted his senses whatever he had spotted he didn't like, something on my left shot pass me too quickly for me to see. I turned around trying to see what it was, wondering if it was my mind playing tricks on me but it wasn't just me Bert had sensed something too, He barked again deep and threatening.
Something was definitely out there. I didn't know what to do I had no weapons on me, no wait yes, I did. Earlier I had taken the big knife from behind my back after I had brought Thomas back into the house but I had never removed the ones I had in each of my boots I bent down slowly to get them and had just laid my hand on them when something came out from behind the trees.
The figure was cloaked, shrouded it some kind of shadow. I could see nothing apart from two eyes as they stared straight at me, they were glowing red like mask mans had been but with the glow, it was as if I could feel the hatred and venom oozing out them. It was the same as before like at my house I could feel menace radiating from him. The intent to torture and kill me. I had a moment to recognize the thought before it came charging at me.
Before I could think about what I was doing I spun around and kicked the cloaked figure in the guts. Its focus had been solely on my eyes, that I don't think he expected me to fight back. Hell, I didn't expect me to fight back, but fight I did, the cloaked figure landed on the floor with a thud, I stood up and stared at the thing in front of me. "Who are you? What do you want?"
The hooded figure in front of me spun around and shouted something but with the rain and wind fighting for a piece of me for themselves also it was hard to see let alone hear anything. Bert stood next to me I stole a quick glance at him and he looked back at me and I got the feeling a strange sense he was trying to tell me he had my back. That quick glance had been my downfall though and before I knew it I had been knocked back down to the ground. The thing on top of me snarled in my ear
“Fiffthhh we have been looking for you and it is I that have found you. Master will reward me greatly for yous.”
There was that fucking fifth stuff again Before I could hear anymore Bert pounced and went for the clocked figures throat or I think it was his throat, all I could see were his glowing red eyes boring into me. The figure on top of me screamed when Bert went for him, it turned around and hit Bert sending him flying through the air, with a whimper I heard him hit the ground and then there was nothing.
A sudden warmth flared up inside my chest. Whoever the person was they were going to be fucking sorry. I grabbed hold of him with the intent to fling him out the way must the same way he had with Bert, but it felt like I had picked up dough, almost like it was going to melt through my hand
"Ewwww what the fuck are you?" I flung whatever the thing was away from me so far it landed on the ground about 50 metres away. The figure got back up. glaring at me with its glowing red eyes sieving at what I had done. I looked straight back at the thing and with the two knives I had in each hand I let them fly, they hit their mark. Each one had hit an eye straight in the middle, a doub
le bull's eye. I had no idea at how I'd done what I had and, in that moment, didn't really care. I walked over to the figure with a smile on my face.
"Take that you little fucker." I was going to see who the hell had just attacked me what the hell it was. It had felt like jelly and not a human when I had grabbed and thrown it. I got to the figure and bent down to get a closer look but all that was left was a sticky black tar-like mess. There was no way in hell I was touching that but what the hell was it. It was the same thing that had happen when I had killed the two men at my house. Fuck me what was I turning into? How many people was I going to kill?
"Bert" I screamed. Whatever had attacked us was dead or at least gone for now, I had to find Bert. Please God let him be ok. I scanned the forest floor looking for him but he was jet black and must be camouflaged really well with the undergrowth. I screamed his name over and over while I looked for him, he had to be here somewhere. I heard a whimper over the noise of the storm surrounding me and rushed to the sound. I found Bert laid on the ground next to a large tree. His fur was soaking wet and he was shaking. I looked him over and as I touched his side my hand came away wet. I looked down but it had gotten too dark for me to see if it was blood, mud or his wet fur, he looked at me I could see his eyes reflecting off the moonlight they look back at me and were filled with pain. however, he still tried to stand but his front leg couldn't hold his weight and he fell.
I picked him up. "It's alright boy, I will get you home get you dry and you will be ok do you hear me? you will get through this won't you?"
I ran as best as I could all the way back to the house I had come out nearer the stables and house but still had to cross a field. Once back at the house I got Bert inside and laid him on the sofa, he was really shaking now. I wasn't sure if it was from the cold and how wet he was or if it had to do with how hard that thing had hit him.
I looked him over now I was back in the house and had the light to see what I was doing. Bert looked to have a cut on his head but it was his back leg I was really worried about it looked to have a massive gash right up the side leading to under his belly. It was bleeding quite a bit, I ran upstairs to get a towel and some bandages when I came back downstairs and into the living room, his eyes were closed and they wouldn't open no matter how many times I called his name.
I had no chance of anyone coming here so it was just me. I set about trying to stop the bleeding on his legs first by wrapping the towel around it then I needed to warm him up he was shaking so bad, I plugged the hairdryer in and set it to low and tried to warm him up with the hot air. Bert didn't move didn't murmur but thankfully he stopped shaking and was breathing but it was so shallow. I was so scared, what the fuck was this? how much was one person supposed to take before they had enough and just ended it all? I had hated anybody that had taken their own life, had thought that it was the most selfish act a person could do to another person, that no matter how low in life you got, how screwed up things were, taking your life was a complete fucking no no… but right now I had never come so close, never thought it would be a more suitable solution. It would be so much easier than what I had to deal with. I would have no more pain I would be with my boys. It was the only choice I had right, well it was that or lighting the fire that I was staring at.
Sighing I got up and got some kindling and wood from the box at the side of the fireplace and began building a fire. Once it was lit I curled up next to Bert and laid there watching the flames deciding that no matter how bad things got I would never take my own life. That even though I had lost everything I could never do that. I could never do it to Sol. I was so tired, so drained I had nothing left in me at all I laid down next to Bert fully dressed soaking wet with mud and blood all over me I didn't care, I just stared deep into the flames of the fire I had built mesmerized at the flames.
Chapter 9:
Imust have fallen asleep because suddenly I was in a place where I felt whole, where I had all my family by my side. Different visions played out in front of me. I saw a vision of my mum and dad, they seemed to be in a play park both looked content, healthy, clean of drink and drugs, just happily playing with their grandchild, pushing him on a swing in our local play park. I wanted to talk to them, wanted to give them all a cuddle. I walked across the field to get to them and shouted to get their attention but no one could hear me. As I got closer I saw all of their faces were lit up with big smiles, I shouted again to get their attention and jogged over but before I reached them my scenery changed and I was strolling along a beach hand in hand with Ryan and Thomas, on a glorious summers day, bathed in sunlight with the sea lapping at our feet.
Thomas was laughing at a joke that Ryan had just told him. I hadn't heard it and hadn't needed to, to make me smile. Thomas had inherited Ryan's laugh along with most of his personality traits and was so infectious it had me laughing too. The boys stopped walking to kick water at each other I stood at the side admiring the view, watching my favourite boys play, thinking how perfect this moment was and that only one thing could make it better and that was if Sol were here. With that thought, my vision blurred and so did the picture in front of me, when it cleared I was standing in what looked to be a school playground. There were classrooms in front of me. I thought they were classrooms as all the blinds were up and in each of the three rooms I could see into had desks and chairs lined up, each room had a whiteboard at the front and the walls looked to decorated by a group of 5 or 6-year olds. The more I looked around the more I thought I knew this place. Yes, it was my old primary school. Suddenly, everything around me jumped and when it did I was still in the same place only I was running, the wind was in my hair. There were kids running around with me shouting and screaming. I turned to shout that they couldn't catch me when I saw my reflection in one of the windows, I realised I was me at 6 or 7, and this was a memory of me and Sol running around as kids playing tag. Both of us were so young, so innocent. A part of me knew something was wrong that this wasn't real, I knew this was only a dream but that was the strange thing, you didn't usually know you were dreaming in a dream until you woke up. So, how did I? Still, I basked in them wanted to stay in this place forever.
I waited for the next vision excited at what I would see when the next thing I knew I was surrounded by darkness. My vision started to change from darkness and nothing to the bright lights of a hospital ward but it looked more like an overfull mortuary as there were at least a hundred maybe two hundred people laid out on beds, on the floor, and in the corners. The place was packed to the brim. Everybody looked to be unwell, as I looked closer I saw that most of them had red eyes some, from crying but the other had been caused by actual blood. Some were bleeding from their eyes others from the nose or ears.
There were people that looked like they were near death while others were actually dead. Age, race, gender, not a soul here had escaped. Nobody paid me any attention as I walked around, I felt like a ghost. What was this? Before I could think more of it the room started spinning but before I got too dizzy it stopped. This time, my dreams looked to have taken me into somebody's living room. It was cosy, decorated in light blues and creams, there was a television on the wall with a cream sofa and two empty cream chairs. Sunlight illuminated the room through the net curtains creating little patterns across the room. I wasn't alone a woman was laid across the sofa with a man sat on a coffee table bent over her, doing something shielding my view. From this angle I could only see the women's head, her bright orange hair was the colour of the sun on an autumn's day at sunset, it cascaded across the armrest incomplete contrast to the colour of the sofa.
I moved around the room so I could get a better view, she looked up and I could see straight into her green eyes. They were puffy and red as if she had been crying too, I wondered if she could see me but just like the people at the hospital she looked straight passed me and started coughing. The man who had been bent over her moved out the way and I saw what he had been doing. My hand flew to my mouth as I gasped in surprise.
He placed a bowl that had been in his hand on the table next to him and inside the bowl was a red liquid. I knew straight away what that was. Déjà vu of nearly the exact image replayed in my mind, even so, when I saw the tiny baby laid next to the mother it shook me to my core. The poor little baby was only a few months old if that. She looked so small, so pale. She had a little pink dress on with a pair of white tights. She had obviously just died and I was witnessing the aftermath.
I turned away unable to handle any more death. Tears stung my eyes, Why the fuck was I seeing this.
The room spun again.
This time I was outside at night standing next to a river. I knew this place I was in London more specifically in Greenwich by the Cutty Sark, next to the river Thames. I had a view of London across the river. The picture I could see in front of me was some really scary shit. It looked like something you would see in a disaster movie; high rise buildings billowing out smoke and flames, the HSBC tower looked to be completely destroyed along with the building next to it, windows were smashed with more fires blazing across the houses I could see.
Until now I hadn’t had any volume it was as if I was stood in a bubble watching, seeing all the destruction but not hearing anything at all.
Suddenly the bubble popped and sounds of screams and gunfire rang out in the distance. Sirens and alarms screeched everywhere echoing off the building. I could hear the raging winds that swept across me and battled with the water from the Thames.
A few lights were shining in the windows of the building untouched or too far in the distance for me to see the damage. I had no words for what I was seeing I just felt shocked.
The river looked to be the only thing in tacked, unchanged, I walked along the river bank with the street lights guiding my way, some had been smashed and weren't working but enough had been left alone to light my way. I saw no one but heard screams and gunfire as if it was surrounding me. I thought it might be coming from across the river and the water was playing tricks on my ears but had no way of knowing for sure. Fires blazed everywhere I looked and the irony hadn't been lost on me that I was standing next to a river.
The Fifth Page 14