Well, he didn’t look frantic like he had when she’d woken him up. That was good. Feeling better, she rose to her feet, ready to go back to her bed.
“Laura?” he asked.
She turned to him. “What is it?”
“Would you mind pushing your bed up against mine?” Before she could respond, he added, “I know it sounds silly. I’m a grown man, and I should be able to handle a nightmare without having someone right next to me. I mean, I’ve had nightmares when you weren’t here, but I could never get back to sleep. Maybe with you nearby, I can.”
Put her bed up with his? Was that a good idea? It was hard enough for her to be in this room without giving into thoughts of kisses and all the other things Fanny’s booklet warned against. She glanced over at her bed. She hadn’t been sleeping much anyway. Did it really matter if she was closer to him than she’d been before?
“Alright,” she decided, hoping he didn’t detect the underlying anticipation in her voice. God help her, but she wanted to be closer to him. If she had to do it under the pretense of helping him get back to sleep, so be it. “I’ll put our beds together.”
“Thank you.”
She wasn’t sure if he should be thanking her. Her motives weren’t the least bit pure. But she kept her thoughts to herself as she scooted her bed up to his. She settled back on her bed, not sure if she should stay right in the middle of the bed or if she should cuddle up to him.
Fortunately, he saved her the dilemma by asking, “Can I hold you?”
“Of course,” she replied, sure this time he could tell her voice was shaky.
“You don’t mind, do you?”
“No, I don’t mind.”
Then, to prove her point, she scooted over to him. He took her in his arms, his embrace as warm and comfortable as she’d imagined it’d be. What she hadn’t been prepared for, however, was the way her skin tingled with excitement. She didn’t know how she was going to be able to sleep at all now.
Being with him so intimately was much better than she’d expected. And she saw no reason why she couldn’t enjoy it. As foolish as it might be, she started to entertain thoughts that they had a real marriage and he was holding her because he wanted her—really wanted her. The problem with such thoughts, though, was that once she dared to entertain them, she wasn’t able to let them go.
***
The next day, right after he finished eating breakfast, Joe suggested they get started on the fence. “I’ll meet you out there,” he told Jesse before he headed on out.
“There’s one thing I’ll say about him,” Laura said as she collected the dirty dishes. “He likes to stay busy.”
“Yes, he does.” Jesse finished the last of his water then put the glass on the table. “I wonder why he didn’t wait for me?”
She shrugged. “Maybe he had to use the privy?”
“Maybe.”
After telling her good-bye, he kissed Elliot on the head and left the house. By the time he reached the area of land by the barn, Joe was already putting on a thick pair of gloves.
“You didn’t have to run out of there,” Jesse told him as he retrieved his own pair.
“I didn’t feel like watching you two kiss,” Joe replied. “Not that I can’t be romantic, but right now, the last thing I feel like doing is being in the same room with newlyweds who are saying good-bye.”
Thinking Joe’s words were odd, especially since he’d kept expecting Joe to bring up Elsie, Jesse chuckled. “We weren’t going to kiss.”
“I couldn’t be sure. Laura keeps looking at you like she wants you to.”
Jesse laughed even more. “No, she doesn’t.”
Joe shot him an amused smile. “Well, I’m sure she’s watching herself because I’m here, but there’s no denying how much she was looking forward to the good-bye kiss.”
“You haven’t been getting a lot of sleep lately, have you?”
“I rarely get a lot of sleep. There’s little time for it in my line of work.”
“Sometimes if you don’t get enough sleep, you see things that aren’t there.”
Joe lifted one of the posts. “I’ll hold these things while you pound them into the ground. Where do you want the fence?”
Jesse grabbed the sledgehammer and gestured to a rectangular area to the side of the barn. “I think over here will be a good spot.”
With a nod, Joe carried the post and set it upright. “I’m ready whenever you are.”
Jesse followed him and pounded the post into the ground. After he tested it to make sure it was sturdy, he glanced over at Joe. “Do you think it’s wrong I married Laura?”
Joe’s eyebrows rose in surprise. “No. Why would you ask that?”
Jesse joined Joe as he grabbed another post. “I don’t know. I mean, widowers marry so their children can have a mother. It’s not uncommon.”
Jesse bit his tongue. What was he doing? Didn’t he just get through telling Laura the last thing he wanted to talk about was Elsie while Joe was here? So why was he leading into a conversation that could very well go in that direction? Why couldn’t he just be content that Joe assumed there was more to his marriage with Laura than there really was?
“Are you worried you’re being unfaithful to Elsie by taking another wife?” Joe asked as he set the next post on the ground.
Thankful for the excuse to hold off on answering the question, Jesse pounded the next post into the ground. Once he made sure the post was secure, he noticed Joe was waiting for a reply, so he said, “I loved Elsie. A part of me still does.”
“I know, but that doesn’t mean you can’t move on and enjoy what you have with Laura. Laura’s nice and pretty. It’s natural you’d fall in love with her.”
Jesse didn’t recall saying anything about being in love with Laura. He’d specifically mentioned loving Elsie.
“Love is a complicated thing,” Joe continued as he grabbed another post. “I don’t understand it, either. From all the traveling I’ve done, I’ve noticed that the landscape changes. No one place looks exactly like another. But that doesn’t mean you can’t enjoy the scenery while you’re at a certain spot. If you have to leave that spot, you’ll be miserable if you don’t open yourself up to enjoying the beauty that’s somewhere else. Life is too short to get stuck in one place. It’s alright to move on. And Jesse, in your situation, you didn’t have a choice.”
But he didn’t have that kind of marriage with Laura. There wasn’t any look she was giving him that indicated she wanted him to kiss her. It was all in Joe’s mind. And that made this whole conversation pointless. Besides, he wasn’t ready to love again. He had too many other things to do. He had to bring in a good crop so he could pay his bills. He had to tend to the animals. He had to make sure Fanny didn’t bother Laura. He had enough on his mind without complicating things.
“You ready to pound this one in?” Joe asked, breaking Jesse out of his thoughts.
Blinking, Jesse turned back to the task at hand. Good. He could focus on something concrete. Work was always a good distraction. So that’s what he chose to do. Work. Then, and only then, did the rest of his doubts slip back into his subconscious mind.
Chapter Fifteen
The next day, since Fanny said she wanted to spend time with Elliot, Laura decided she would go to town.
“Are you sure you don’t mind if I go?” Laura asked Jesse as he hitched the horse to the buggy.
Jesse glanced over at her and smiled. “No, I don’t mind. You’re allowed to go into town whenever you want.”
She chuckled. “Well, yes, I know I’m allowed to go. I just feel strange about not taking Elliot with me.”
“I’m here in case Fanny gets tired and needs to rest,” he said. “I think you should go. See Amanda and have a good time.”
She relaxed. Now that she was Elliot’s mother, she had a difficult time letting him out of her sight. But Fanny was his grandmother, and she had an obligation to let Fanny spend time with him. That, however, didn’t mean sh
e had to be with Fanny, too.
The last thing she wanted was another confrontation with her, especially with Joe visiting. She was certain Joe had been as embarrassed by everything Fanny had said as she’d been, which was an even bigger reason why she needed to stay as far from Fanny as possible.
“Is there anything you’d like me to bring back?” she asked Jesse. “I was thinking of stopping by the mercantile and picking up a couple things.”
“Would you rather take the wagon?”
“No. I only need a couple items. Flour, sugar, baking soda, and coffee.” She paused when she realized he probably didn’t find the list as interesting as she did. “Anyway, it’s only a few things. It’ll fit in the buggy.”
He nodded. “Coffee is the only thing I can think of, and you’re already getting that. You can just tell the owner to add it to my account. I’ll pay him later.”
He’d already explained how she was to handle the payment with the mercantile owner, but considering the fact that he’d woken up with another nightmare, she figured he’d forgotten. She had pulled their beds apart the evening before, figuring he wouldn’t want to keep sleeping so close to her. But when he’d had another nightmare, she decided to put the beds back together. And he had seemed to sleep well after that.
As she watched him finish getting the buggy ready, she couldn’t help but wonder what the objects of his nightmares were.
When he was done, he patted the horse’s neck then walked over to her. “You’re all set.”
“Thank you.”
She expected to help herself in, but he offered her his hand. Knowing very well what effect touching him would have, she placed her hand in his and let him help her in. It was getting harder and harder to fight her desire to be with him, which wasn’t good. She was doing her best to conceal her feelings, but the stronger they got, the more difficult it was to do so.
Once she was in the seat, he released her hand, and she breathed a sigh of relief. What if she couldn’t keep up this charade? What if he found out and resented her for lying to him, for making him believe she would never try to come between him and Elsie?
“I hope you have a good visit with Amanda,” Jesse said, interrupting her thoughts.
“Thank you,” she forced out.
If he had any idea, any idea at all, how she’d been thinking about him, she doubted he’d be smiling at her right now. But she managed a smile in return, simply because it wasn’t so awkward that way, and snapped the reins on the horse so it’d lead her forward. On her way off the property, she caught sight of Joe as he hammered one of the stakes into the ground and waved a greeting to him. He nodded in return then went back to work.
Jesse joined him, and he removed his shirt so that he was only wearing his undershirt and threw the shirt to the ground. She recalled the way those bare arms felt around her at night. Had it been wrong for her to enjoy being held by him? Was she somehow crossing an invisible barrier by holding onto the memory of his embrace?
It wasn’t until he was out of sight that she was able to focus on the path ahead of her. Why couldn’t she have more restraint? Why did she feel so helpless when it came to him? She should be able to put aside her personal feelings. It seemed like such a simple thing when she wasn’t near him. But whenever he was near… She closed her eyes and released her breath. She prayed Amanda would know what to do.
She reached town in good time. The pleasant weather had made the trip a smooth one. Too bad her emotions weren’t quite so easy to manage. Once she found a spot in front of Amanda’s apartment building, she secured the brake then tied the reins to the post. She gave the horse a pat on its neck then went up to the door that would take her into the building. Remembering the pamphlet Fanny had given her, she paused.
Glancing around to make sure no one was watching her, she dug it out of her pocket. She’d die of embarrassment if Jesse ever saw this thing, and he’d come close to seeing it when he moved her bed into his room. Thankfully, she’d tucked it securely enough so it hadn’t fallen from its hiding spot.
She threw the thing into the trashcan by the apartment door. When she saw no one had noticed her, she released her breath and went into the apartment building. Good. Now no one would find her with it. She hadn’t read it, nor would she ever read anything like it. If Fanny thought it was something she should do, then it definitely wasn’t something she should do.
She hurried into the apartment building and climbed the stairs. Once she was at Amanda’s door, she knocked on it, hoping Amanda was there.
Fortunately, Amanda opened the door. With a smile, she waved her in. “Hi, Laura. It’s good to see you. Where’s Elliot?”
“Fanny wanted to spend time with him.” She entered the apartment, waited for a moment, then blurted out, “Something terrible has happened.”
“What is it?”
“I’ve fallen in love with Jesse, and I don’t know what to do about it,” Laura said.
Amanda shut the door and turned to her. “I think you were in love with him before you married him.”
Laura was about to sit on the couch but stopped when she realized Amanda was serious. “No, I wasn’t. I only thought of him as a friend.”
“I know that’s what you told yourself, but I could tell otherwise. Would you like some coffee, tea, or water?” Amanda asked as she went to the kitchen.
Laura followed her. “How could you tell?”
Amanda shrugged and grabbed two cups from the shelf. “I’m not sure, to be honest. It was just something in your voice and the way you’d smile whenever you mentioned him.”
No, there was no way Amanda could know. Maybe she wanted it to be true, but she couldn’t know. No one could know how someone else was feeling unless that person came out and said it.
“What would you like to drink?” Amanda asked.
“I’ll drink whatever you drink,” Laura decided. She didn’t care what it was. She’d come here to make a confession that was supposed to surprise Amanda, not confirm what Amanda already knew.
Amanda chuckled. “It’s unsettling when someone can tell things about you that even you don’t know, isn’t it?”
“Well,” Laura accepted the coffee, “yes, it is.”
“Now you know how I felt on the wagon trail when you kept coming up to me and talking about me and Richard.”
Laura thought back to the previous summer and realized her friend was right. She had made it a point to tell Amanda everything she’d noticed. “I didn’t mean to make you uncomfortable by saying those things.”
“I know you didn’t, and I didn’t mean to make you uncomfortable just now, either. I’m surprised it took you this long to admit how you feel about Jesse.”
“I honestly didn’t think I’d ever feel anything but a comfortable friendship with him before we married.”
“I believe you. I think it’s easier to tell how other people feel because we can be objective about them.”
“You’re probably right.” Laura took a sip of the coffee then followed Amanda to the couch where they sat down. “I don’t know what to do about it. I told Jesse it would only be a marriage of convenience. I can’t just come out and tell him I changed my mind.”
“Why not?”
“It’d be embarrassing. I made such a big deal out of it being a partnership instead of a romantic relationship.” She let out an uneasy laugh. “And besides, he loves Elsie. I don’t want to take Elsie’s place.”
“Of course, you don’t. No woman wants to fill in a spot meant for another woman. She wants her own place in her husband’s heart. But you will either tell him how you feel or you won’t. Those are the only two options you have.”
Amanda was right. It really was that simple. And yet, it also that complicated. “I can’t do it,” Laura finally decided. “I can’t tell him. I can’t make him feel like he has to choose between me and Elsie. It isn’t fair to him. I’m going to keep my feelings to myself and just hope he doesn’t notice things as well as you do.”
There. Her decision was made. It’d been quick. It’d been simple. Now, the question was, how was she going to be able to follow through with it?
***
Jesse couldn’t help notice Joe’s absence after he left. He hadn’t realized how quickly he’d gotten used to having another man around to talk to. “Whenever you stop in Omaha, you have a place to stay,” he’d told Joe before Joe headed out.
Once Joe left, Jesse had put Laura’s bed back in Elliot’s room. The process evoked mixed feelings. On one hand, he was going to miss having her in the same room with him. Even if they hadn’t done anything of an intimate nature, it’d been nice to hold her. He’d missed having a woman in his arms.
Also, it had been nice to have someone nearby when he had the recurring nightmares. In such dreams, he learned Elsie hadn’t really died but had faked her death so she could go back to New York. When he found her, she would either say she couldn’t handle a homesteader’s life or she’d gone back because Fanny had forced her to.
In each version of the dream, however, it ended the same. Elsie would look at him with tears in her eyes and tell him, “You have to let me go.”
When he woke up, he’d think one of the shadows in the room was Fanny pointing a rifle at him. You killed my little girl. Now I’m going to kill you, was the message in her steely eyes. It always took him a full minute to realize she wasn’t really there, but the sheer terror of believing, for that brief moment, he was about to be shot was enough to keep him awake for the next couple of hours.
Laura had managed to push the nightmares back by simply being next to him during the night. In fact, it was the only time he felt at peace with everything going on.
That night after Joe left, Jesse turned onto his back in the bed, wondering what it was that had woken him. It hadn’t been another nightmare. No. It was something else. He’d been having a fitful sleep all night, but up to now, he’d been able to drift back to sleep.
He let out a heavy sigh and sat up. He had a long day tomorrow. Work had wiped him out. He was exhausted, and yet, sleep eluded him.
The Marriage Agreement Page 13