Shards of Us

by Caverly, KR

  Nothing.

  My heart stops.

  I try again, harder this time.

  Still nothing.

  I hold my breath, the fear rushing in.

  No no no no no. No! NO!

  I feel sick again, feel hurt and broken and sick. I try again and again, jostling the knob, desperately trying to get it to come apart, but nothing happens.

  My stomach twists, and tears cloud my eyes. This can't be happening. I can't be fucking trapped in here.

  I jerk the knob some more, rip at it, desperately try to jerk the door open, but that doesn't quite happen. Instead, the knob goes flying backward.

  And just like that, there's no way to get through.

  I break into a sob, and I scream a little, because I'm locked in a dark room and my best friend is nowhere to be seen and Sebastian almost murdered me and I don't know what's happening anymore. Not knowing what else to do, I helplessly pound on the door and beg to be let out. "SOMEONE HELP ME!" I scream at the top of my lungs, tears rushing down my face. My throat is still raw and hurt form before--whenever that was. "HELP ME! PLEASE! I'M TRAPPED!" I choke out more air and tears, feeling my heart hurt more and more, but no one comes. No one rescues me. I'm left here, all alone.

  After a few minutes, I slump to the ground, defeated. My body crumples up. I'm hurt and aching and I can barely see my own hands, and all I remember is the look in Sebastian's eyes when he told me to save Ash, the look of a true fear.

  I loved him. I cared for him. I trusted him.

  And look what he did.

  He… he knocked me unconscious. He held a gun to my head.

  I thought he wanted me too. But he almost killed me… and now he's just gone. I don't know where he is. It occurs to me then that I don't even know where I am, or why I'm here, or even who brought me here. Was it Sebastian? Did he lock me up? Did he bring me here just so he could kill me like he killed those men?

  And then another thought hits me: what if it wasn't Sebastian who captured me? What if it was those men who he said were after him, the ones who would've given Ash something worse than death? What if they killed Sebastian and now they're here for me?

  I bury my head in my hands. Oh god oh god. I can't die yet. I can't die. I take it back. I want my life. I want my crappy job and annoying friend. I want my loneliness. Anything is better than this. My eyes feel hot and puffy from the tears, but I keep letting them slip out, tasting their bitter saltiness, the unmistakable feel of defeat.

  I'm done.

  It's over.

  I'm locked in here with no food or water.

  I am never going to get out alive.

  The defeat rushes in quickly and painfully. I'm going to die here. I'm going to die alone and the dark. No one is here, no one is coming to save me. There is no way I'll make it.

  I crumple up, crying harder, when I realize it. My throat is as dry as it is raw, but my hair and body feel clean and soft… I sit up suddenly.

  My whole body is clean. I smell like soap--that's what I was smelling! My hair feels newly wet and my skin is cool and relaxed, like I'd just gotten out of the shower.

  But I didn't take a shower.

  Then, I look down. I realize I'm wearing a dress. Not just any dress, but the black dress I didn't wear the night of what happened to Ash. My heart pounds faster. I feel for my lips. I'm wearing lipstick again too, but there's no way my lipstick stayed intact the whole night. Which means…

  Someone showered and dressed me.

  The thought makes my stomach churn and more tears come to my eyes. There's only one reason I can think of for someone to dress me like this, and the result is not pretty.

  My body quivers. I don't know what's happening. I don't know why I'm here. All I know is that I just want to leave, with my life intact.

  I haven't felt this hopeless in two years.

  Chapter Six

  I wake up to the sound of the shower running. My eyes shoot open right away.

  A shower.

  Someone else is here.

  I look around desperately for the sound as soon as I sit up in bed, until I finally pinpoint it as coming from the small bathroom off to the side I saw earlier. I stand up, but my legs still feel weak. I realize then that there's a blanket around me. I know for a fact I didn't leave it there. The room is cold, though, and the blanket feels nice and warm against my skin, as if whoever put it there was actually doing me a favor.

  I throw the blanket off of me as soon as the thought crosses my mind.

  I'm not an idiot. I know all about Stockholm Syndrome. It's sure as hell not happening to me.

  So I stand up. My body is still shaking, but at least I can walk without stumbling now. I take one small step after another toward the open door and the sound of the shower, the cool tile making the toes on my bare feet curl. I try to breathe evenly, to open and close my eyes and focus on the light streaming out of the bathroom, to do anything but let this fear that's clinging to me take over.

  Someone is definitely here, and that someone may be my one key to getting out of this place, whatever it is.

  My head throbs as I make my way over, but I ignore it, focusing on each of my tiny steps instead, on making sure I don't make a sound as I move across the room. Finally, I reach the wall beside the open door, and I stop, catch a breath. My heart is pounding again. I don't even know what I'm doing--I most certainly don't have a plan--but I know I need to get out of here. I can't be locked up like this. I can't be dead.

  I have to go home. I have to tell the police what happened. I have to--

  I look down, searching for anything to use as a weapon. I don't know who locked me up here, but I'm certain they're dangerous. My eyes lock on an empty plate left outside of the bathroom. I pick it up slowly, careful not to make a sound, and I inch along the wall until I'm just beside the open door where the yellow light pours out of.

  I take a deep breath, holding up the plate in attack position. The shower is still running, but I can't hear anyone in there. I hesitate. What if they overpower me? What if this gets me killed? What if it doesn't well?

  I push away the thought immediately, because for all I know, this is my only chance at freedom. It's now or never.

  My heart races as I lift up the plate, turn into the open door, and charge the shower. I burst through the curtains, prepared to hit whoever over the head with the plate, but no one is there. The shower is empty.

  My stomach drops. My chest heaves. I take in one last defeated breath, and I'm about to collapse into the corner and cry some more, cry for being so stupid and foolish, when I hear the click of a gun behind me.

  I whirl around, and every muscle in my body freezes at once.

  A gun.

  Trained on me.

  My body has already started shaking as I turn to see what is going on, praying whoever it is doesn't kill me in the process. What I find instead hurts more than anything in the world.

  "Care for a drink, angel?" Sebastian says in his usual singsong voice. The rage courses through me as soon as I meet his gaze. He is still wearing his business suit, his jaw newly-shaven, his grin huge and toothy. One hand holds a gun pointed at my head, while the other holds out a champagne glass for me.

  Sebastian.

  Sebastian is here.

  He locked me up, and now he looks like he wants to kill me.

  I want to scream. To cry. How could I be so fucking moronic? How could I fall for someone who would do this to me? How come once I feel even the slightest bit of happiness, it all goes to hell?

  "Take it," Sebastian says, moving the wine glass closer, but I refuse to take it. My hand whips out and before I know what's happening, I knock the glass out of his hand and it goes flying, smashing against the bathroom wall, shattering into a million pieces.

  "That works too," he says, looking at the glass with amusement, but I'm not even listening. My whole body shakes.

  "You bastard!" I scream despite myself, tears burning into my eyes. "I trusted you! And look
what you do! You betray me!" My throat is still sore, but it feels good to let it all out, even if the only result is my voice breaking out into a fit of coughs.

  Sebastian's blue eyes are fiery and passionate at my words. "Betray you?" he roars. "I fucking saved you, angel!" He reaches out his free hand to grab my arm. I try to struggle out of his grip, but he's too strong and he doesn't let go. His eyes burn into mine, anger and intensity rushing out of him. "What do you think those men would have done to you if they caught you? Because let me tell you, they sure as hell wouldn't have let you off scot free. They were after you, angel! They were after both of us! I brought you here to save you!"

  I shake my head slowly back and forth, not believing it. The trembles keep on coming. "There's no reason for them to come after me," I whisper. This can't be real. None of this can be real. Sebastian would never do this to me. Sebastian would never lock me up like this.

  He throws back his head, laughing angrily. "Oh but there is, my angel. Looks like you aren't so pure and innocent after all, huh?"

  I keep on shaking my head. I don't know what else to do anymore. "No," I say, my voice cracking. "No. No! You didn't save me. You locked me up here. You… you left me here, no food, no water, no nothing." My head keeps hurting. I just want to cry again, but the tears refuse to come. It's like everything has been sucked out of me, like there is nothing left but this deep, nagging emptiness in the pit of my stomach.

  Sebastian's eyes burn with anger at that. He looks like he's on the verge of exploding as he pulls me up with his iron grip, bringing me into his arms. His voice is hot and passionate as he growls, "Did you not notice? I fed you. I gave you water. I showered you. I've been the perfect gentleman for the last two days, all because of you!" He drops his voice. "I never even touched you," he says, like he's whispering the darkest secret in the world.

  My body just keeps shaking. I open my mouth to protest, but he doesn't stop there. "And I didn't just lock you in here!" he screams. "I slept on the ground outside of the safe house. I let you have the bed and the blankets… I let you have all of it. Your own room. Your own security. Because I don't deserve the security. I don't deserve anything. But you do, angel. You deserve it all." His face is red from shouting, but there is a certain brokenness to it, a hurt I didn't expect, and it feels like all of the air is sucked out of me.

  "Where--where is Ash?" I whisper, not knowing what else to say. I try to breathe deeply, to stay strong and focus on Sebastian, even though all I really want to do is crumple up and cry. None of this makes any sense. None of this can ever be real.

  He looks away like he's been slapped. His eyes focus on the barred window in the corner of the bathroom, and his jaw works like he's torn between saying something and not.

  "Where?" I repeat, louder this time, but my voice continues to shake.

  He sighs. Locks eyes with mine. His whole face is filled with something dark and pained, and he looks at me in that same apologetic way as he did the night of the kidnapping, his eyes burning holes into mine. "She's dead," he says in a low voice, not looking away. "Ash is dead."

  My heart shatters as soon as he says it. I feel frozen, feel my muscles tense up, feel every part of me hurting again. "What?" I whisper, a tear running down my cheek. Ash is dead. Ash is fucking dead. The one person left, the one person who supported me, is dead. And it's all because of him. "Why didn’t you save her?" I say, louder this time. "Why didn't you fucking help her, Sebastian?"

  He looks at me sadly, reaching out to hold me, but I step back, pressing myself against the wall. I think for a second that he's going to yank me back over to him, but he doesn't. He just stands there, watching me, his eyes looking more pained than ever. "The men were already there," he says quietly. "It was too late. We had to leave, and I could only take one of you. It was you or her." His eyes are fixated on mine, but I just keep sobbing, shaking, praying this is all some elaborate nightmare. "I had to choose. And I chose you."

  I start shaking my head back and forth. This can't be real. She can't be dead. He must be lying to me. I can't lose Ash too.

  Slowly, he reaches out his thumb and touches it to my cheekbone, then drags it down beneath my mouth, then up and around it. "I never meant to hurt you," he growls, dropping his voice, his eyes still trained on mine. They're full of pain and apology, but I'm done seeing them. The anger surges back through me as I remember what he did to me, to Ash. My heart thuds in my chest, faster this time. "But you did hurt me. You locked me in here. You…. you got Ash killed! Get the fuck out of here. Get out of my life!" I scream through the tears.

  He looks at me, deep and passionate, and nods, but he doesn't yell back at me. He doesn't get into an argument. He just stands there, probing me, his body in front of mine. "If that's what you want, angel," he hisses at last, biting back the rage. Then he puts down the gun and walks away into the darkness.

  I crumple up and cry for a second as he walks out of the bathroom, trying to make sense of everything going on. It takes me a minute to regain my senses. But then I hear the click at the door, the door I couldn't open, and I realize he's the only way out.

  Before I know what's happening, I feel myself running to the door, to the little glimpse of light outside, of freedom. "Sebastian!" I scream, but the door is already creaking closed. "Sebastian!"

  Once I reach the door, it's fully shut. I start pounding on it, screaming and crying, desperately needing to get out of here. "Sebastian! Let me out, Sebastian! LET ME OUT!" Nothing. No sound but the reverberations of my scream through the room. "SEBASTIAN! PLEASE!"

  I hold my breath as soon as I hear footsteps coming back to the door. I wait for him to unlock it and let me go free. The footsteps stop directly in front of the door, and for a second, there's nothing but silence.

  And then I hear his voice.

  "I'm sorry," Sebastian says. "But I can't let you out. I have to save you."

  My stomach twists immediately. He starts walking away, and then I pound on the door harder, screaming through the rawness in my throat. "Let me out, Sebastian!" I say desperately. "LET ME OUT!"

  I scream and scream until I can’t scream anymore.

  ***

  "Morning, angel." The next morning, I wake up to the sound of those two, quiet words, forgetting for a minute where I am and what happened, and just enjoying the sound of Sebastian's voice through my closed eyes. But then the night before floods back to me, and I shoot up, my eyes wild, knowing I have to get out of here before he kills or rapes me or whatever he plans to do to me.

  Sebastian sits down on the side of my bed as soon as I awake. I try to throw him off with a desperate flail of my arms, but he is too strong to be moved. I keep panicking though, desperately looking around for a weapon of some sort, for any way to protect myself. My heart is in my throat, but I find nothing of use.

  Sebastian has this bittersweet look on his eyes, almost like he's full of regret. "I made you breakfast, angel," he says softly, seeing my crazed expression. "You've been here a week now. You need to eat more." He holds up a plate of eggs and bacon for me. It smells delicious, and as much as I want to knock out of his hand, I know he's right and I do need to eat something. I take the plate gingerly, glaring at him the whole time. He gives me an apologetic smile as he hands me a glass of water next.

  "How are you today?" he asks after a minute, once I've taken a slow sip of my water and started on the breakfast. From the dark circles under his eyes, he looks tired, like he hasn't slept in days. It occurs to me then that maybe he, in fact, hasn't. Maybe he has spent the last week waiting for whoever is after us, according to him. Maybe he's spent it protecting me.

  I push the thought away immediately. I'm not an idiot. I know that was just a lie to make me feel safer, until he can do… whatever it is he wants.

  I don't answer Sebastian right away. I just keep clenching and unclenching my fists, hoping for a way to get out of here safely. Eventually, I move to eat my breakfast, and I hate how much I enjoy it. Sebastian can cook, I
'll give him that. I almost want to spit the egg on his face after all he's done to me and Ash, but I'm too hungry to give up any food, so I just keep eating.

  Finally, I meet Sebastian's gaze. His eyes look so innocent and well-meaning it makes me want to scream. I hate how safe he makes me feel, even after he locked me up like this.

  "Why are you here, Sebastian?" I hiss. I'm not going to trust him. Not after what he did.

  Sebastian smiles sadly, looking at me like I'm a distant memory, an old picture that is just out of reach. "I'm here for you. I'm always here for you."

  "But I don't want you here," I whisper. My dark hair hangs over my eyes, and I feel like I might as well be in chains by the way it feels to be next to him: like I can't get away. Like I can't ever escape him.

  His eyebrows furrow. "Say the word and I'll leave. I love you, angel. I don't want to make you uncomfortable." His voice is quiet and singsong, innocent as it always is.

  "Then leave," I whisper, biting back a tear. "Please. Just leave."

  He reaches out a gentle hand to my cheek, but I push him off, not wanting him to touch me. He looks at me sadly, then nods. "If that's how you feel." He stands up then and starts to walk away. "Talk to you later?"

  I glare at him, putting my fork down. "No. I mean, I want to get out of here." I gesture at my makeshift prison. "Let me out."

  "I can't let you leave, angel," he says quietly, but there is a certain intensity to his words, a certain genuineness… like he really does care for me. "Not until I'm sure they won't hurt you."

  "Who are 'they,' Sebastian?" I don't hold back my irritation, because of course he is just lying to me to get my trust. "Who is after me?"

  Sebastian shifts closer to me, putting a hand on my cheek. I freeze, but this time, I don't pull it off. His hand is warm and rough against my soft skin, and I hate how his touch makes my skin tingle. I want to scream at myself for it, in fact, but I can't muster out even a single word. This all hurts too much. Being with him hurts too much.

  Sebastian looks almost surprised by my question. "You really don't know anything, do you?"