by Jade West
“They’ve eaten,” a voice called from the kitchen doorway, and the moment I’d been anticipating was upon me. Darren dropped their schoolbags on the floor by the fridge, and then his eyes met mine, and widened.
“Granny T cooked us stew,” Ruby told me. “She put carrots in it and made me eat them. Urgh.”
“That’s lovely,” I said. “Granny T makes a lovely stew, even if it does have carrots in it. I hope you said thank you.”
She nodded, but I wasn’t convinced, and right then I didn’t have the resolve to push it. My parenting goals had frittered away to nothing and I was burning under Darren’s stare, that low simmer behind his eyes scorching me alive. I couldn’t tell what he was thinking, not even close, not even after all this time, but my heart was racing, my skin prickling.
“Thanks,” I said to him. “For having the girls.”
“No bother at all,” he said.
I wanted him to say something, anything. Nice hair, or nice lippy, or that colour really suits you, but he said nothing, just stared.
It was Tonya who broke the tension, shrugged at Darren and gave a loud sigh. “Well?” she asked. “What do you think of Jodie’s epic new do?”
He swallowed before he answered and it made my tummy flutter. I couldn’t look at him. Couldn’t bear it.
“It’s not new,” he said.
Tonya rolled her eyes. “Ok then, her new-old do. Do you like it?”
Ruby and Mia giggled and I half-wished the ground would swallow me.
“I always liked it,” he said, and the way he said always made me feel so weird, so exposed. “You look great, Jodie. Really great. You look amazing.”
He ran his fingers across his stubble, his mouth closed tight, as though he’d said too much. He shifted from foot to foot and cleared his throat.
“Thanks,” I said, and my eyes found his again. “I feel really great. Thanks for helping to make it happen.”
He nodded. “Right you are.”
“Don’t you want to see Jo’s sexy new outfits?” Tonya prompted, and it was too far, much too far. I cringed at the embarrassment in his eyes, the absolute discomfort, hovering in the half-light of our old life together, staring at the reincarnation of the girl he fell in love with when we were just kids.
I felt it, too.
He gestured a thumb towards the front door. “Better be off. Shit to do.”
Ruby groaned. “But Dad! You could stay! See Mum’s new stuff! She’ll look like a queen!”
“Your dad’s probably very busy,” I said.
“Work stuff,” he said. “Another time, Rubes.”
It broke my heart to see the deflation in her eyes.
“Go see your dad out,” I said, and he didn’t hang around a second longer. He raised a hand in goodbye to Tonya and gave me a nod, and then he was off, with the girls close behind him.
I listened to him call goodbye to Nanna, listened to the girl’s goodbyes afterwards, Ruby’s loud chatter and Mia’s quieter please don’t go just yet, Dad, and it hurt.
I don’t know why it hurt so fucking bad, but it felt like I’d been stabbed right in the pit of me.
I exhaled a loud breath when I heard the door click shut, and Tonya breathed one of her own.
She picked up the bottle of wine, poured us both another big one.
“I think you need this,” she said.
She wasn’t bloody wrong.
I could have been anywhere. It wouldn’t have mattered shit to me. Balls deep in some slutty bitch’s pussy in a posh hotel on the outskirts of Cheltenham, rutting away on her with other guy’s dicks all around me. It took me a second to remember her name.
Melissa.
Melissa with the hairy pussy.
I ran my thumb over it and she jerked, offered an appreciative grunt as she choked on Buck’s dick.
That’s when it first fucking hit me.
I didn’t want to be here. Didn’t give a shit about the cash waiting at the end of this shitty fucking romp.
Jimmy O shot me a glare and I realised I’d stopped thrusting, standing like a fucking moron with my dick still half inside her.
“Get up here,” I grunted, stepping aside to give him a turn. He shrugged and grinned, took up the spot with gusto, and Melissa didn’t give a shit, not really. She squirmed under him and groaned for more. Like they always do.
I took a step back and watched, strangely vacant, like I was watching a shitty porn film after too many beers.
This fucking craziness was all Tonya’s fault, dragging Jodie into her girly makeover crap and dragging me along with it. I felt a smile as I recalled Jodie’s happiness, the easy grin on her face before she realised I was watching her. I’d stepped into a time warp and right there on the other side was the girl I’d loved so fucking hard I thought it would kill me.
Only she wasn’t mine to love anymore.
Hadn’t been mine to love for a fucking long time.
I’d loved Jodie Symmonds when she was a slip of a girl with a dirty smile and a slick, sharp bob of dark-red hair. I’d loved Jodie Symmonds when she was so swollen with pregnancy that she could hardly walk, when her hair was greasy as fuck and she was moaning about under-boob sweat, pushing her fingers between her tits and smearing it under my nose as a demonstration. I’d loved her when she’d sat and eaten a whole bumper bucket of KFC and then farted like a stinky bitch all night long. I’d loved her when she was angry, when she was sad, when she stared at me as though she was unsure whether to fuck me or kill me. Maybe both at the same time.
I’d loved Jodie Symmonds when she’d forgotten how to love herself.
I thought I’d loved her enough for both of us. But no.
Life fucking sucks like that.
I pulled on my jeans, resigned to sitting this one out. Hopefully Melissa wouldn’t notice with four other dicks to keep her attention.
My phone was in my back pocket, I pulled it out to check the time, only it was flashing with messages. I pressed Unlock.
The icon flashed with photo messages from Tonya, and my heart pumped as though I’d shot my load into Melissa’s hairy pussy after all.
I scrolled through them, screenshot after screenshot of sexy underwear. Lacy bras and knickers, a cute red suspender belt with matching stockings. A corset, and one of those flouncy white babydolls that make your balls tighten.
Jodie wouldn’t take the three hundred, her message said. I tried my fucking hardest, too. I ordered these instead for her, next day delivery.
My mouth was watering, fingers fucking shaking as I scrolled down to the final message.
Big grinning smileys, a load of them, all in a row.
You’re welcome, the text said.
I always make me time plans during Darren’s weekends with the girls, but it rarely happens. Not with the unavoidable mega-clean that I’m obligated to perform to keep the house barely liveable. If there is any additional time, it’s usually spent making sure Nanna gets her weekly trip to the supermarket, and cramming in any extra hours on offer at the cafe. There’s always something that needs doing.
But this weekend started off quite differently.
I woke with a muggy head after a bit more wine than I’m accustomed to, then had the usual panic getting the girls ready to leave for their dad’s. Socks? Check. Clean underwear? Check. No, Ruby, you can’t take the entire contents of your toy cupboard. You’re going for one night, Ruby. One night! Yes, I know Mia’s taking her phone, yes, I know that probably feels like the injustice of the century, but please, for the love of God, just put the monster trucks back in your bedroom! One. Alright, you can take one. ONE!
The rumble of Trent’s truck sounded outside at 9 a.m. sharp, and the girls piled outside before he was even out of the driver’s seat. I waved them off with a happy smile, determined that this weekend would really be it, one for me. I had a playlist of YouTube makeup tutorials lined up, because seriously, makeup is a whole other level of skill than it was when I used to stick on eyeshadow wit
h a bog-standard applicator and wear lippy without a lip liner. Heaven forbid.
Tonya told me so.
I’m learning.
When there was a knock on the door less than five minutes later, I figured one of the girls had forgotten something. My stomach did the dropping-from-a-great-height lurch as I swung it open, but it wasn’t Trent standing there, it was a courier. He held out one of those touch-screen dooberrys for my signature and under his arm was a massive parcel. Surely not?
I was about to say he was at the wrong address when I saw Symmonds and 2 Oak Crescent bold as brass on the screen. I looked at the parcel in shock. It was taped up tight, Priority Next Day all over it.
“Sign please,” the driver said, and I realised I’d been gawping.
I scribbled something barely legible and took the bundle from him. Plain packaging, felt soft, like clothes.
Clothes.
Urgh, Tonya.
I called her up and she answered with a voice that made it clear she was still in bed.
“I’m here staring at a priority next day parcel that feels suspiciously like your doing. Am I right?” I asked.
She grunted and yawned a bit. “Might be…”
I couldn’t stop smiling. “You’re a very good very bad friend, you know that?”
She laughed. “Tell me how bad I am when you’ve opened it. The girls are away, right?”
“Right…”
“Then enjoy. Send me selfies. Later though, I was a-fucking-sleep before you called. You early risers piss me right off.”
“This?! This isn’t early, this is mid-bloody-day for us parents.” I turned the parcel over in my hands, enjoying the rush of excitement that was replacing my muggy head. “I’ll send you selfies,” I said. “Thank you, honestly. I’m really touched.”
“Open it before you say that, and no, I’m not sending them back. No matter what.”
She was gone before I could argue.
I tore open the parcel with less care than I should’ve considering my recent investment in false nails, and let out a gasp as the items tumbled free. Underwear. Raunchy underwear. I held up the suspenders, looked at the posing woman on the front and tried to imagine me in her place. It made me laugh out loud.
I sent Tonya a text. I love you, but you are a very bad influence.
Use them! She sent back. Book yourself in for a bloody Bang Gang before Mandy poxy Taylor takes all the slots!! Live a little!!
Live a little… I’m not sure a five-man fuck-fest counted as living a little, even if it was on my bucket list.
I pulled myself up. Since when has it been on my bucket list?
But I knew since when. Since bloody tuxedo night. My bloody bodywand hadn’t known the meaning of overworked until I saw those guys dressed in their finest. And Trent out of it.
I called to Nanna that I was heading upstairs for a bit, and it mattered little to her since she was busy reading the Saturday Fashion pull-out. I crept away with the raunchy haul in my arms and examined the stash on the bed.
Some of it was elegant and tasteful. Some of it was drop-dead gorgeous – all lace and rich colour and fine styling. Some of it made me burn up at the thought – stockings, suspenders and… oh my life, a pair of crotchless red knickers to go with them. I held up a babydoll in floaty white – beautiful but so… sexy.
I took down my jeans and pulled my top off over my head, my underwear went next, and I took a breath as I looked at myself in the mirror. My flabby bits looked a lot less glorious in the morning sun than they did under lamplight. But so what?
I tried on the babydoll and pulled up the matching thong and my mind was made up.
I could actually get away with this…
I may be no supermodel, but the drape of the fabric hid my wobbly tummy, and the push-up bra did what it was supposed to. The thong was high on my hips and made my legs look longer than they were. I put my hand on my waist and turned, shot myself my sexiest look.
Fucking hell, maybe… just maybe…
I did another twirl and imagined Trent in the room. Would he look at me the way he used to? The way he did when I was still young and firm and desperate for his dick at every opportunity?
What about Buck? Hugh? Jimmy O? Would they want a piece of this? Would this be up to standard? Standard enough for young Petey, who’s probably more used to girls his own age..?
I shuddered at the thought.
And should’ve stopped thinking about it altogether, but I couldn’t.
I tried on the suspender belt and the crotchless knickers – Sweet Jesus! – then slipped on the racy little bra that went along with them. They complimented my new hair perfectly. One for the win. I just needed…
I reached into the wardrobe and tugged out a dusty box from the back. The cardboard was all battered but the shoes inside weren’t. I stepped into the ridiculously high black heels and did another twirl and it looked awesome, like I’d never stopped wearing them.
Shit. Maybe I could really do this…
Maybe I really could be sexy again…
Maybe, just maybe…
I snapped a crazy impromptu selfie, complete with pout, and sent it off to Tonya before I could change my mind. She called in a heartbeat.
“You look fucking incredible, Jo! Oh my God, you look amazing!”
I laughed. “Maybe I’m not quite past it yet.”
“Like hell you’re past it!” She paused. “So… you going to go in for the Mandy Taylor special? Since the rest of the village is doing it, why not?”
The thought of the school-mums getting down and dirty in Darren’s garage gave me weird shivers.
“Will you ever let it up?” I sighed. “I couldn’t…”
“Why?”
“Because… Darren… because of what we were… because I’m…”
“Scared?” she finished. “Christ, Jo, everyone is going to have the shits before they do something like this, and Trent’s Trent. It was a long fucking time ago. He does this shit for a living, he’s not going to get all fucking freaked out, is he? He’d probably do Nanna and not even break a sweat.”
I cringed. “Jeez, Tonya. Too much.”
She laughed. “Sorry. You know what I mean.”
Maybe she had a point. Not about Nanna, but about Trent being so mercenary about all this. I sighed, sat on the edge of the bed.
I heard her rustle about, flick the kettle on. “Answer me this. Is it over, really? Between you and Darren, I mean?”
My answer was instant. “Yes. Totally yes.” And it was over. We’d tried and tried before we called time, and that was years ago. Neither of us had made a move since, neither of us even hinted at it. Once upon a time I’d secretly hoped he’d turn all Casanova and howl at the moon outside my window, profess his undying devotion and climb up my hair to my bed, but of course he hadn’t.
He was with Stacey long before I ever contemplated getting with Brian, and they got pretty serious pretty damn quick. She’d even earned an engagement ring by all accounts, she’d gushed right the way around the village about it – and he’d never got that far with us, not even in all those years, which says a lot.
He was definitely over it. Long over me.
He wouldn’t even break a sweat.
“So?” Tonya prompted. “You need to get laid, and there’s a fantasy right there on offer. You’re over Trent, yes? Talk about kicking off your new lease of life in style. Back in the game with a boom!”
Was I over Trent? Yes. Yes, I was. Definitely.
“I’m going now,” I said. “Before you talk me into something I shouldn’t even be thinking about.”
“So you are thinking about it?” Her laugh was infectious. “Go. Get the bodywand out, weigh it up a little.”
I did just that.
The weather was a piece of shit, so I took the girls back to mine. Mia was on usual form, disappearing off into their room to catch up with Daisy on Skype. She was never off the thing. There was only one thing Ruby was rooting for, I co
uld read her a mile off. She sat herself on the sofa and stared at the blank TV with a grin on her face.
“Top Gear?” I said, and she punched the air.
I fired up the re-runs and put the kettle on, delivered Mia a cup of tea to her room before I settled down on the sofa with Ruby. She sat like I did, a foot casually tossed over her knee, her mug in one hand, fingers splayed just like mine. It made me smile.
We made the same scoffing sounds in the same places, ridiculed the driving in the same places, and nodded in appreciation in the exact same places. Genetics, or learned, I didn’t know and didn’t care. I ruffled her hair and she smiled her toothy grin up at me and it gave me that warm feeling inside.
“I’ll be nipping to the yard later, thought maybe I’d let you and Mia have a practice in the truck.”
Ruby’s eyes were like saucers. “Driving?! Really?!”
“Half driving, nothing crazy. Don’t want your mum freaking out, do we?”
She shook her head, smiling from ear to ear.
I gestured to the rain outside the window. “Just wait until this crap passes, it’s supposed to brighten up later.”
We turned our attention back to the TV, and Clarkson took a flash Audi convertible for a spin through some mountain tracks. I watched Ruby’s face as he took the winding roads at speed, the starkness of the landscape looking really fucking awesome. She was absolutely transfixed.
“What do you make of that?” I asked.
“Cool,” she said. “Epic cool.”
They did the round-up of the car, bigging up its awesome handling, the flashiness of the optional extras. Then they called it a chick magnet. A sure-fire way to land the ladies.
Ruby pulled a face, stared up at me with eyes full of questions.
“What?” I said.
She paused, just stared. “Is that what your truck is?” she said. “A chick magnet? Is that why all the ladies want to…”
I raised an eyebrow. “Want to what?” She shook her head, but I called her on it. “Come on, Rubes. Spit it out.”
She shrugged. “Mia told me not to say anything.”
“And I’m telling you to spit it out.”