Davie—dear, dependable, compassionate Davie—hers to cherish for the rest of her life? Sensual, passionate Davie, the most magnificent lover she’d ever known?
It seemed...unbelievable that he would want to marry her. Despite what he vowed, could she really believe she could keep him in love with her for ever?
Accepting his hand meant that he would be in her life for ever—whether or not he still loved her. Unlike Edward, Davie would be faithful, kind and courteous, even if his affections towards her cooled.
She’d almost not survived becoming the wife Ashedon barely tolerated and regarded with contempt. She knew she could not survive becoming the object of Davie’s faint disdain and polite disinterest.
The distress and turmoil of her emotions must have been painted on her face, for with a sigh, Davie let her go. ‘I can’t do more than promise my love. You have to believe it. Believe in us. If you can’t, there’s no point going any further. I won’t be your lover, Faith. I will only be your husband.’
She fought to keep the tears back. The last thing she wanted was to drive him away. But did she dare ask him to stay?
While she wrestled with a response, he said, ‘Don’t marry me because you know I love you—only if you need and love me, and can’t imagine being happy in a life that doesn’t include me. Clearly, I’ve shocked you, and rather than press for an answer now—and force one I may not like—don’t tell me anything, yet. Think about it carefully. If you decide your answer must be “no”, I will accept that, and never importune you again. You’ll have my respect and admiration for the rest of my life.’
‘But not your friendship?’ she asked, fearing she knew the answer.
His smile now was strained. ‘That would be too...hard.’
With that, he rose from the bed and walked around, collecting and donning clothing scattered in haste during the night. Torn between accepting his suit at once and drawing him back to her bed, and letting him go so she might think about this when her heart wasn’t pounding so hard with fear and distress, her head hurt, she simply watched. The urgency of making the right decision made her feel almost physically ill.
When he’d finished dressing, he came back to the bed. Looking at her face, he sighed. ‘Dearest Faith, the last thing I wanted was to upset you. Take all the time you need. I’ll be waiting. I’ve always been waiting for you.’
This time, she couldn’t keep back the tears. ‘W-won’t you kiss me goodbye?’
He gave her a wry smile. ‘I’ll kiss you “hello”, and much more, when—if—you accept my suit.’
‘Will I see you again?’
‘Like this?’ He swept his hand to encompass the room. ‘Not unless you agree to become my wife. Before I leave, I’ll have a word with the estate manager, letting him know you’ll want to have workmen from the village come in to assist with repairs to the stables and the main house, if you’d like.’
She nodded, feeling at the moment entirely unequal to making any decisions at all. ‘Yes, that would be helpful.’
‘Very well. I’ll be at the Bow and Snare, in the village. Send me a note when you and the boys are ready to depart, and I’ll ride over to escort you.’
‘What shall I tell the boys, when they ask why you’ve gone?’ she asked, grasping at one last straw to keep him here.
‘Tell them I’m making arrangements to escort them to their cousins, for more riding, fishing, and tree climbing. They’ll be delighted at the prospect. As I imagine you will, to spend some time with your sister. Goodbye, my darling Faith.’ With that, he turned and walked out the door.
She sagged back against the pillows, still shocked and stunned. Should she scramble into her clothes, ready to guide him out if he got lost in the maze that was Ashedon Court?
But, no, competent Davie would have no trouble in daylight, navigating his way out. And he’d likely be long gone by the time she could summon her maid and hurry into her clothes.
Maybe instead, she’d replay in her mind the glorious night he’d given her—and not think about the paralysing decision he’d left her with.
But she didn’t have to decide right away, she told herself, trying to unseat the leaden weight that pressed at her chest every time she thought of having to make that decision. She’d have time with Sarah, unhurried time to think over Davie’s unexpected proposal.
There was no question she cared for him—perhaps more than she’d ever let herself realise, until he revealed his desire to build a life with her. But did she dare accept him—and believe in a happiness which had never in her life been anything but fleeting?
* * *
A few days later, Faith sat in the sunny morning room at Brookhollow Lodge in Highgate Village, awaiting the arrival of her sister Sarah for breakfast and the private chat she’d been in desperate need of since Davie’s surprising proposal—had it only been four days ago?
Despite the bustle of preparing the boys for the trip to her sister’s, giving final instructions to the servants at Ashedon Court, and consulting with the chief workmen and the steward who would be overseeing the repairs, and then the long journey, taken in short stages so as not to tire the boys, the urgent question of how she should respond to his proposal was seldom far from her mind.
He’d not made the choice any easier, falling back, as he’d promised, into the role of helpful friend, freezing out any attempt she made to take his hand, forestalling any chance to snuggle close on the carriage seat by riding beside the vehicle all the way. At the inns where they’d broken the journey, he’d arranged for rooms and meals with calm efficiency, while skirting her efforts to manoeuvre him alone in a hallway or stable yard to claim a swift, reassuring kiss.
Was he trying to show her what it would be like, were she to refuse him and allow them to dwindle into fond, but distant friends? Or was he giving her a glimpse into what life would be if she accepted him, and after a year or two or five, he finally realised she was only a modestly accomplished, ordinary woman, and fell out of love with her?
Would she end up, ultimately, more wretched with him than without him?
All she knew was the polite distance he’d maintained between them on the trip to Brookhollow had driven her mad with regret, longing, frustrated desire, and uncertainty.
Take all the time you need, he’d said. But she must decide, soon. She couldn’t exist with this decision weighing so heavily on her, she could hardly breathe.
She ought to make the decision on her own. She hadn’t consulted anyone about personal matters for years—hadn’t had anyone to consult. Until she’d found Davie again—but he couldn’t help her now.
The last time she and Sarah had discussed something this important to her future, she’d blithely dismissed her elder sister’s plea that she wait before rushing into marriage with the Duke. This time, she intended to listen closely to the advice of the wise older sister who knew them both so well—even though the final choice would have to be hers alone.
Sarah’s arrival interrupted her tortured thoughts. ‘Sorry I’m late—another minor crisis in the kitchen.’ She came over to give Faith a kiss before pouring herself some coffee. ‘Did the boys settle in well last night?’
‘Yes, although they are so excited about spending time with their cousins, I’m betting they scarcely slept a wink.’
Sarah turned a penetrating glance on her. ‘Nor did you, by the looks of it. What is troubling you? I wouldn’t be surprised if you’re suffering bad dreams, after the scare you had at Ashedon Court! Please God, such uprisings will soon be behind us.’
‘It was frightening, I’ll admit. Though Davie did a wonderful job, settling down the rioters and restoring order.’
‘I can’t tell you how anxious we were after we heard about Wollaton! Englemere was just setting out for Ashedon when we got Davie’s note that you were all safe and well. We’ll never be
able to thank him enough for taking such swift action.’
After choking down the one sip of coffee she could manage without having it rise back up her throat, Faith traced a nervous finger on the polished mahogany table. ‘That wasn’t all the action he took. Before we left for Brookhollow, he...he asked me to marry him.’
Her eyes widening, Sarah set down her cup. ‘He proposed to you! Though, when I consider it, I shouldn’t be surprised. One would have to be blind not to have noticed how much he’s cared for you, as far back as that first summer with Ned and Joanna. And when he escorted you here recently...well, one could torch kindling with the heat evident between you. He might not be what the world would consider a good match, but one couldn’t hope to find a man of finer character.’
‘He’s the most excellent man I’ve ever met.’ Which made the idea of living without him even more devastating to contemplate.
Sarah leaned closer, studying Faith. ‘You didn’t tell me how you answered him. From the distress on your face, I take it you haven’t yet decided. I know there would be those who’d claim you’d be failing in your duties to young Ashedon and the estate to remarry so soon, but there are trustees and stewards to oversee all that. Certainly, accepting Davie would mean a huge loss of consequence, but I don’t think the prestige of being a duchess ever mattered to you. I know how he feels about you. The only thing that does matter is how you feel about him. You certainly seemed lighter, happier, more at ease than I’d seen you in years when you came here with him. Does he make you happy?’
‘Oh, yes! I feel more like myself with him—the self-confident, assured, happy self I used to be—than at any time since the early days of my marriage. It isn’t that.’
‘Do you love him?’
Faith nodded slowly. ‘I...I think I do. How could one help loving a man who is so strong, principled and compassionate? Not just with me—with everyone, from the poorest crofter to the indigent factory worker. I’m so in awe of all he’s accomplished, and admire so much all he wants to do for this country.’
‘And you love the way he kisses you,’ Sarah added with a naughty twinkle.
Faith felt herself blushing, glad her sister hadn’t guessed how far beyond a kiss they’d already gone. ‘Yes. That, too.’
‘Than why do you hesitate?’
‘He’s so...wonderfully attentive, and caring, and ardent. So convinced he wants me for his wife, to love and cherish the rest of his life. Just like Ashedon was, during our courtship and the early days of our marriage. I believed with all my heart that our love would last for ever.’
‘But it didn’t,’ Sarah said gently.
‘No,’ Faith replied, that small word inadequate to express the depth of devastation her marriage had become.
‘The difference, you see—what Englemere and I suspected and what time proved—was that Ashedon never really loved you. Oh, he made a good show of it, I’ll grant you. Flattered and indulged all his life, he was brought up to believe only what he wanted was important, with no thought given to the feelings or needs of anyone else. He wanted a convenient, pliable wife—that she adored him, he took as his due. So he played the part that would gain him what he wanted. Do you believe Davie is only playing a part?’
‘No. I think he truly loves me, and I know he would never humiliate me as Ashedon did. But loving him, giving myself to him...and having him eventually grow distant, as Ashedon did, while remaining faithful and kind, as his character would compel him to, would be even worse than Ashedon’s treachery.’
Wanting Sarah to understand, she made herself continue. ‘In my heart, I’d known for a long time, years maybe, that Ashedon no longer cared about me, if he ever had. Then, a few months after Colin’s birth, I caught him as he was going out for the evening and asked if I could go with him, or if he might consider remaining at home, so we might spend the evening together. “Why would I want to spend an evening here?” he said. “You’ve no wit, no conversation, to balance against your appalling country manners. Now that you’ve done your duty and provided me with sons...well, the charms of an ingénue are highly overrated.” It wasn’t just his words, cruel as they were—it was the look on his face...’
Nausea rose in her throat and her stomach twisted as she remembered it. ‘Disgust, contempt, disdain. As if an insect had crawled upon his plate.’
Sarah reached over to take her hand. ‘Oh, Faith! I’m so sorry.’
‘I thought I should die, sitting there as he left me. Just...stop breathing, and fade into nothingness. But the nursery maid came running in, saying Colin was crying to be fed, so I got up, and walked out, and went on. Oh, Sarah, if Davie ever looked at me like that, I would die.’
‘But you know he loves you! Why would he ever be so unkind?’
‘The entire time he’s known me, I’ve been the “unattainable ideal”. The golden girl, destined to marry to a duke, mistress of a great house, descendant of an ancient line—someone far above him. What will he do when he’s around me long enough to realise I’m just...ordinary?’
‘Davie has never been impressed by the pomp and circumstance of aristocracy—quite the opposite! He’s called to what he sees in you, Faith. The sweet and loving spirit we all cherished as you were growing up. But it isn’t his love you must believe in, it’s yourself. I hate that Ashedon destroyed your confidence in your own worthiness. Davie believes in the joyous, confident person you can become again. But you’re not going to be happy anywhere, or with anyone, unless you believe in it.’
A knock at the door interrupted them, a kitchen maid curtsying to relay the latest event in the continuing crisis below stairs. Rising, Sarah pressed Faith’s hand. ‘I’m sorry, I must go. Trust in him, and yourself, Faith.’
Faith shook her head. ‘I was so wrong before! Do I have the courage to risk it?’
‘All life is a risk.’ Sarah leaned over to kiss her forehead. ‘Don’t let Ashedon punish you a second time, the doubt he instilled keeping you from seizing what could make you happy. If you truly believe Davie would make you happy.’
She certainly endured enough years of misery, Faith thought as she watched her sister walk out. But if she took a leap of faith with Davie, would she be claiming that elusive happiness—or only grabbing more misery with both hands?
Restless, unable to eat a bite, her head throbbing, Faith threw down her napkin and exited the room after her sister. She headed for the garden, hoping to walk out some of her anxiety without encountering anyone with whom she’d have to attempt the unlikely job of masking it.
Trust in Davie’s love? Trust in herself? How could she embrace such a choice with confidence? No one could predict the future; there were a thousand things that could and probably would happen to erode the bond between them, creating annoyance, dissension or distrust.
Could she imagine anything that would destroy her love and admiration for Davie? Even if he were to cease the wonderfully tender actions towards her that so boosted her confidence, the caring and compassionate man he was would still command her love and admiration. She could with utter confidence predict he would never act towards anyone with selfish disregard for their welfare, or sacrifice others to achieve his own ambitions.
Look how he’d tried to protect even the men who’d tried to burn Ashedon Court from the consequences of their rash actions. He could have ridden in with the magistrate at his heels, ready to send them all to jail and a harsh punishment.
No, she could not imagine losing her love for him. As for his loving her...the mere memory of his touch set the banked fires of her desires flaming.
Did she think him so naïve, so self-deceiving, that he did not believe as completely in whatever it was he saw in her?
All life is a risk, Sarah had said. Where had she misplaced the reckless confidence she’d possessed as a girl?
After the heartbreak of Ashedon, she’d retreated de
ep within herself, going through the motions of life, giving herself only to her boys. If she sent Davie away, she could retreat back into that world of shadows and that safe half-existence. Protected from pain. Protected from joy.
Or reach out with both hands to embrace it.
Wouldn’t it be worth claiming a few months or years of joy, even if she eventually lost it—than never experience it at all?
Yes, it would, she decided. She would never be the sort of clever, accomplished woman she felt could fascinate a man for a lifetime. But she could summon up enough courage to claim this man, for now. For however long she could hold him.
Maybe, God willing, for ever.
Finally decided, she pivoted around and headed back to the house. She didn’t want to waste another moment.
* * *
An hour later, her children confined to Sarah’s care, with the admonition that, with luck, she wouldn’t be returning to Brookhollow for several days, Faith mounted her borrowed horse and set off for London. Calm now after the raging storm of her uncertainty, her only anxiety was finding Davie—and making sure her initial refusal hadn’t made him change his mind.
* * *
The journey to London accomplished much more speedily on horseback, at Sarah’s suggestion, Faith looked in first at the committee rooms in Parliament, then went to check at the Quill and Gavel. Finding neither him nor any of the Hellions at either place, she stopped to see Maggie—who, after asking what was wrong, accepted Faith’s plea that she not enquire further, and gave her the address she requested of Davie’s rooms at Albany. Leaving with an assurance that, once all was settled, Maggie would be the first to know, Faith set out again.
Lamplighters were illumining the encroaching darkness when Faith, having left her horse at a nearby livery, at last entered the courtyard at Albany. Boldly talking her way past the porter with a claim of needing to consult Mr Smith at once on a matter of great personal urgency—quite an accurate assessment, actually—she paced down the hallway.
Stolen Encounters with the Duchess Page 24