The Sex Gates

  Tears filled Rita's eyes. “I'm a man now and you're a woman,” he whispered and started to sob. He put one arm around my shoulders and another around Russell's. I fought the urge to pull away. Part of me was frightened by this stranger, but another part knew it was Rita, who I loved.

  Rita and Russell and I stood in a tight knot together, clinging to each other, letting the tears come. Suddenly, Donna was there, too, her hand gentle on my shoulder.

  “Come on,” she said. “There's nothing more for us here. At least the gate saved Rita's life. Always remember that."

  Many of Rita's friends from the shelter had followed us on our wild run after the stabbing and now were standing around staring. Knowing from her own experience that we would want to be alone, Donna urged us toward where my car was parked.

  I stumbled along. The sidewalk was level, but it felt as if I were on the deck of a boat. I rolled, or seemed to, as I walked, feeling the unusual motion coming from inside me, as if it were localized in my hip joints. My breasts jiggled. I leaned backward with each step, trying to make them stop their constant motion. I felt as if insects were crawling on my shoulders and reached up to brush them off. Instead I felt thick strands of long hair hanging down my back.

  Staggering along on the other side of Donna, the man who had been my Rita seemed to be having similar problems adjusting to his new body. Tears were streaming down his face. My own eyes were damp, and I choked down my sobs.

  Poor Rita. The man who knifed her must have been insane. She was such a loving person. Oh, God, please save the love we share now that we are different sexes.

  I think that was the first sincere prayer I had uttered since childhood, but I had no idea who or what I was praying to.

  Donna handed us into the car, insisting that I sit up front with her. Why, I don't know, unless it was so I could have a chance to get used to my own change, but I found strength in looking at her and remembering that she had gone through the same experience. Still, my stomach was twisting with waves of fear and horror. I felt lost, stranded in my mind, alienated from the body that held my consciousness.

  Donna reached over to touch my leg, trying to comfort me, no doubt. I brushed her hand away. In the back seat, Russell was holding Rita, whose crying finally tapered off into an occasional sob. I stole a glance at Donna. There were dried tear streaks on her cheeks. Her face was pale and drawn with her lips set in a grim line. I realized with a start that I was not the only one who had a reason to grieve. All of our lives were once again in turmoil because of the gates.

  I reached over and squeezed her hand, then dropped it and snatched my hand back. My grip didn't feel right. It was weak and small. I leaned over the back seat and said something to Russell and Rita, I don't remember what. When I look back now on those first moments as a woman, I remember only my total confusion and shock and sense of deep loss. I had lost Rita (as a woman) and I had lost myself. Suddenly, I had no idea who I was, and the future stretched ahead like some bleak landscape.

  Donna parked the car and got us inside, like a mother hen herding her chicks. As she closed the door, her phone beeped. She didn't bother plugging in, but answered with voice only.

  “Yes, what is it? No, none of us know why he would have done something like that. Please, let it wait until tomorrow, can't you? In the morning? No, wait until evening, please. Call me back, and we'll set up a time. You will? Thank you, chief. Good night."

  She explained. “That was Chief Martin. He needs a statement from you about your attacker, Rita, but he'll wait until tomorrow. Come with me, Lee, and let me get you something to put on. Rita, you go with Russell."

  I was glad to let her take charge. Already I could feel a surly resentment at my fate mixing in with my grief. Further fueling my anger was that madman's completely unprovoked attack on Rita. We had just been celebrating her conception and now she was a man. No wonder she was sobbing so hard. Our baby was gone.

  Donna pulled a silk robe from her closet and helped me into it. I avoided looking at my image in the mirror. I didn't want to see the female body I was now trapped in.

  “Come on, dear. I think we all need a drink.” She took my hand, and I let her lead me back into the great room. Rita was already there, wrapped in one of Russell's old robes. She/he looked at me with a shaky smile as I entered the room. I tried to return it, but I could feel my own mouth tremble. The changes were almost too much to handle. I wanted to sit beside Rita and hold her, but “Rita” was gone. This man was both my lover and a stranger.

  As if she sensed my inner turmoil, Donna pulled me over to the lounger were Rita sat. I slid down to the far end. Donna left us and went to the bar to fix drinks. No rum this time. She poured Jack Daniels into short fat glasses, added a couple of ice cubes to each and distributed them. I drank half of mine in three gulps.

  Donna took a seat by Russell and took his hand, holding it as she spoke. “Lee, I will do all I can to help you by telling you how it was for me. Rita, you will be better off getting your advice from Russell. He can probably help you more than I can."

  I downed more bourbon. “Damn your help! Our baby is dead. I'm a woman. Rita is a man. Our whole world has been destroyed! Don't sit there and tell me that your advice will fix things."

  The look of shocked pain of Donna's face told me I'd gone too far.

  “Sorry. That was a cruel thing to say. I'm not myself.” I forced a bitter smile to my lips.

  Her hurt look disappeared. “I know you didn't mean it, dear. We're all overwhelmed by shock. And these tremendous changes."

  Russell nodded at her words and brushed at his eyes with his shirtsleeve.

  I thought of the prayer I had voiced to myself. Surely, if there was a God who cared at all about humanity, our baby was with him. I finished the first bourbon and got up to make another. My breasts swayed beneath the silk wrap as I crossed the room. How long would it be before I got use to that?

  I caught Donna eying me as I poured my glass almost full. She gave me a warning look. “Careful. You won't be able to drink as much now that you're a woman."

  What? Oh. I must weigh less now. The same volume of alcohol would hit me harder. “I'll worry about it tomorrow, not tonight."

  I didn't, either. I had several more drinks while Donna did most of the talking, trying to soothe us in our new bodies. Once, I had to excuse myself to use the bathroom. I was standing in front of the stool when I remembered just in time through the fog of the bourbon that I had better sit down. I did, and in a few seconds discovered why females need to use tissue after peeing. I felt the wetness but didn't look down when I wiped. I felt my face flush as I came back into the room.

  “You two need to pick new names,” Donna said as I sat back down.

  The thought made me feel rebellious. “I don't want a new name. In fact, I think tomorrow I'm going to go back through the gate and see if I come out. I want to be a man again."

  “No!” They all yelled it at once. Russell's shout was louder than anyone else's.

  “Why not?” I said belligerently.

  “Because of the odds, you idiot!” Rita yelled at me. “We lost our baby today. I don't want to lose you, too."

  I looked at her new male body and swallowed hard, fighting my tears, tears that seemed to be flowing with unaccustomed easiness. But that was because the baby was gone. A few hours ago we'd been so happy. All that was gone now unless I—no, damn it, I didn't even want to think of that possibility. Nor, I admitted to myself, did I really want to chance the thousands to one odds of success if I went through the gate again. I wasn't that brave. That didn't leave a whole lot of options.

  I folded my arms and glared at Donna. “I don't want a new name."

  “I don't see why we can't keep on calling you Lee. You can spell it like the Chinese do, with an i."

  I shrugged my assent. Li. At least it would sound like my original name.

  “How about you, Rita?"

  He started to brush his hair back behind his ears, then loo
ked annoyed when his fingers met thin air. He frowned in thought, for a moment before brightening. “How about Ruez? That has a Spanish sound to go with Hernandez, and it's alliterative besides. You can call me Rez for short."

  Ruez. Rez. I rolled the names silently on my tongue. They seemed to fit, not only with his last name but also with his Latin countenance. I took another slug of the bourbon and met his gaze. He was as handsome as Rita had been pretty, with a classical straight nose, short, straight black hair, and long-lashed black eyes. He winked at me.

  I dropped my gaze, surprised to feel heat burning on my cheeks. “It sounds fine to me."

  “Good, that's settled. What next?” Donna said.

  I sure as hell didn't know, so I got up and poured another glass of bourbon. By that time it was beginning to taste like soda pop, and I was wobbling when I walked.

  Donna pinched her thumb to check the time. None of us had even suggested turning on a screen. The attack on Rita was probably on the news and none of us could bear to see that. “It's getting late. Why don't we all take some Nohang and start over in the morning?"

  That suited me. I got up and began moving toward my bedroom, until a sudden thought stopped me. God! Rez would be in there, too.

  Donna caught my eye.

  “Why don't you sleep with me tonight, Li? Russell and Rez can bunk together. That way, each of you will have someone of the same sex near to help you along."

  I agreed, feeling a sense of relief. Rez hesitated, looking at me with longing in his eyes, but finally went along with the idea. We went off to our rooms.

  Donna made sure I took a double dose of Nohang. My voice was beginning to slur by then. I unwrapped myself from Donna's silken gown and fell into bed. The world spun for a few minutes until the pills began taking effect.

  Donna was a familiar body. As soon as my head started to clear up, I snuggled next to her. It was comforting, except that my breasts kept getting in the way.

  * * * *

  I woke up the next morning with my back up against Donna's body. Her arm was curled comfortably around my waist. I heard her soft breathing and felt the gentle waft of each exhale tickling my neck. For a moment I didn't remember what had happened.

  I thought about turning over and waking her in the best way, but there was no affirming pulse from my penis. What? Oh, damn. Damn it all. I would never feel that welcome expansive surge of blood flowing into my organ again.

  I eased myself out from under her arm and tiptoed into the bathroom. I flicked on the light, not looking at anything except my head at first. I ran my fingers back through the waves of hair hanging to my shoulders. My hair felt loose and springy and soft as a kitten's fur. I lowered my eyes down over the reflection of my body in the full-length mirror, marveling at the full breasts and slim waist, the long thighs and small feet. My mouth hung open as I stared at myself.

  God! I was beautiful! If it had been possible, I would have gotten a raging erection from looking at myself. The rusty, off-color hair I had always hated was replaced with long wavy locks of purest auburn, dancing with golden highlights. My square male face now was thinner and heart-shaped with high cheekbones. The pale blue of my eyes had deepened into the dark of the northern seas, set beneath fine brows of auburn. I blinked and thick eyelashes fluttered at me in the mirror. There was a faint sprinkling of freckles across my nose and cheeks, my lips were full without being overly sultry, and when I smiled a dimple appeared.

  But, of course, my new breasts fascinated me the most. They were full and firm and each was tipped with a dark pink virginal nipple. As I touched them with my fingertips, admiring this newly discovered treasure, the nipples hardened and tingled with a warm sensuous pleasure.

  I snatched my hands away, my heart pounding. This woman's body was sexual, too, but in a wholly different way. I felt a strange tightening in my lower body and looked down. My pubic hair was a darker auburn triangle of tight curls nestling at the junction of my thighs. The whole area had started aching when I touched my breasts. I shivered, and the woman in the mirror looked back at me, hunger glowing in her eyes. For the first time, I realized that this new body would be my greatest teacher.

  Tearing myself away from the mirror, I took care of necessities before stepping into the shower. Bathing was a new experience. I was still reluctant to touch the sensitive area between my legs, but I could feel it throb each time I soaped a breast or passed my hands over my sleek, wet curves. This was going to take some getting used to.

  I was toweling myself dry when Donna knocked on the door and came on in without waiting for me to answer. She smiled at me. “Good morning."

  “Good morning, if you can call it good.” I held the towel up like a barrier between us. I felt my face getting red.

  “Poor Li. You look as if you've lost your last friend."

  “I feel like I've lost myself."

  “I know. And it may sound trite right now. But believe me, you will adjust. Why don't you go on and get dressed? I think most of Rita's clothes will fit you. I'll be out in a minute."

  Dressing was a chore. Poking through Rita's drawers and closet made me feel like a transvestite, especially when I got into the lingerie. I felt a stubborn urge to wear my own shorts, but I could see immediately that they wouldn't fit. I chose a pair of plain panties and put them on. They hugged my hips instead of my waist. I kept tugging at them; they felt as if they were going to fall off. Her jeans were a size or so too large, but they would do for now. I held up a bra, looked at it and flung it down on the bed without even trying it on, not that I would have known how to adjust it if I had. I pulled out a blouse from her closet and was putting my arm through the first sleeve when Donna came back into the room.

  Her glance took in my bare breasts. She pointed to the discarded bra, crumpled on the bed.

  “So, you decided against a bra, huh? Those breasts are firm enough that you can get away without one.” She began pulling on casual clothes.

  I had trouble buttoning the old-fashioned blouse until I realized the fastenings were on the wrong side. I decided right then that I would wear touch tab clothes from now on. I sat down on the edge of the bed, thinking gloomy thoughts while Donna finished dressing. I wondered how Rez was making out. Probably better than I was. Rita was always been a practical person. There was no reason why that would change. I doubted that she—he—would be in the kind of funk I was.

  “Ready?” Donna said.

  “I guess.” I got to my feet, feeling reluctant to go out and face the others. I stood motionless by the bed until Donna came over and put her arms around me.

  “Li, please don't take this so hard. I promise, it's not all that bad."

  “I'll try, but I don't think I'll ever get used to it."

  “Of course you will. I'll help. Remember Don, your old friend? I'm still in here. Now that we're both women, maybe we can sit and talk like friends again, the way we used to. We can let our hair down and talk men-talk, just between us girls."

  I had to laugh at that, and felt better for it. I returned her embrace and kissed her, as I had been doing for months. She responded enthusiastically for a moment then broke away from me.

  “Let's save this for later, huh? Boy, have you got some revelations coming.” She smiled as if she knew the answers to an exam in advance.

  I wondered what she meant, but other problems were demanding more attention. We left the bedroom.

  * * * *

  Breakfast smells brought Russell and Rez out into the great room. Rez was dressed in some of Russell's old clothes. They fit him better than Rita's fit me.

  “Good morning.” Rez seemed nervous, and I remembered how I had slid away from him the night before on the lounger.

  Talking with Donna had helped my attitude some. I went over to him, put my arms around his neck and pecked him on the lips. “Good morning."

  Standing next to him, I felt short. He towered over me. I didn't linger in the embrace, stepping away as I felt his hands touch my waist.
<
br />   Russell watched us like a scientist observing a particularly interesting experiment. He and Donna would be able to resume their growing relationship with no problem, but what about Rita and me?

  The first thing we did after breakfast was to go back to the gate. There was a couple of ‘porters hanging around, but we ignored them, or tried to: they were persistent. I felt for my gun, intending to use it to wave them away. The damn female blouse didn't have pockets, and I sure as hell wasn't carrying a purse. Donna pulled hers out far enough to show the ‘porters that we didn't intend to be bothered. They retreated, but I suppose they were still recording. We laid a wreath of flowers nearby in memory of our baby and cried together until we could no longer stand it. After that we went back home.

  None of us wanted to catch the news. Instead, we had a light lunch. As soon as we were done eating, Russell and Donna excused themselves and went into his bedroom together. I think they left Rez and me alone so we could begin getting used to our change, but I'm sure that wasn't the only reason: They were lovers, after all.

  I sat down by Rez on the small lounger. His eyes were wet with unshed tears.

  “Are you still thinking about the baby?” I asked.

  “Yes!” He burst into full-blown tears. “Oh, Li."

  My immediate reaction was to do what I would have done the day before: I pulled him into my arms. That didn't work too well; I had forgotten the disparity in our sizes again. We fumbled for a moment, and he wound up with his arms around me. I felt small and vulnerable and helpless. What do you say to a woman who has lost a baby, especially to a woman who has suddenly become a man?

  Eventually, he wiped away the tears and let go of me. “I'm sorry, Li. I won't do that again."

  “It's all right."

  “It's not all right, but I'll get over it. Please be patient with me."

  “I will.” I tried to sound positive, even though I was still filled with fears of my own.

  “I hope so. I need you now more than I ever thought I would need anyone."