by Jerramy Fine
It’s amazing, really—how the English can sum up another English person’s entire family background (and hence their entire family’s financial worth) simply by hearing how he or she pronounces certain words.
But the good news is that the Brits can’t pigeonhole us Americans, because our accents give absolutely nothing away. Therefore, it doesn’t matter in the slightest if you’re from a poor background or a wealthy one; went to private school or public school; were raised by West Coast hippies or old money New Englanders.
Your accent—be it from the Bronx, Texas, Wisconsin, or a tiny mountain town in Colorado—doesn’t come with any kind of class label, and the Brits cannot instantly judge you by the sound of it. They might be able to tell where in America you’re from, but they can’t tell anything about your socioeconomic background. To the Brits, you’re a blank slate.
So as long as you maintain good manners, watch what you say, and conduct yourself with grace and poise, your neutral American accent will allow you to move through the upper echelons of English society at lightning speed. It’s sad to say, but a working-class Brit would never be able to attain such rapid social mobility, because of the unbreakable accent barriers that still exist in the UK. But if you’re American? London is your oyster.
Still, just because your US accent is neutral doesn’t mean you can say whatever you like. Far from it. There are still plenty of rules to follow if you want to be warmly enveloped by the crème of British society.
DANGER WORDS (AKA WORDS TO AVOID AT ALL COSTS):
“lounge,” “front room,” “living room,” “couch,” “settee” (I don’t know why this particular part of the house causes such offense, but nevertheless, to avoid English shudders you should simply say “sitting room” or “sofa.”)
“serviette” (Always say “napkin.” Even if you’re in France. Don’t ask me why.)
“West End show” (Always say that you’re going to the “theater.”)
“Pardon?” (Always say “I didn’t catch that” or “Sorry?” or even just simply “What?”)
“Nice to meet you” or “Lovely to meet you” (Always say “How do you do?” This is a big one. Apparently, forgetting this rule when she first met the royal family nearly ruined things for Kate’s mother, Carole Middleton.)
“dessert” (Say “pudding”—even if it doesn’t resemble anything close to pudding.)
The T-word
Apparently saying the word “toilet” is just as jarring to an upper-class English ear as the f-word. In fact, I get the impression that they would actually prefer to hear the f-word. Bottom line? Never say “toilet.” Ever. Not when referring to the bathroom; not even when referring to the porcelain bowl itself. You must say “loo”: where is your loo; may I use your loo; the cat fell into the loo; he never remembers to put the loo seat down; I think we’re out of loo paper. This rule is not optional; it’s imperative.
Attempting to adopt English slang is another habit that is not going to do you any favors, since most slang has lower-class connotations. That said, you should avoid the following:
“mate” (Just say “friend” like a normal person.)
“cheers” (Unless you’re making a toast, “thank you” will suffice.)
“uni” (Just say “university”; don’t say “college” or “school,” as this means high school in the UK.)
“tea” or “supper” when you really mean dinner (Just say “dinner.”)
“two month,” “three pound,” and so on (Forgetting to use plural forms is just poor grammar. Just because people in the North of England are doing it doesn’t mean you should.)
KNOW THE DIFFERENCE:
There are literally hundreds and hundreds of words that are different in the UK: A cookie is a biscuit; a Band-Aid is a plaster, a shopping cart is a shopping trolley, and so on. I’m not going to list them all here as you will discover these as you go along and there are plenty of books supplying entire US-UK glossaries for you to peruse. Instead, I’m going to list a few important British words that you should be careful never to use incorrectly:
“pants” (This means underwear in the UK; instead, say “trousers.”)
“suspenders” (This means garter belt in the UK; instead, say “braces.”)
“to snog” (This means “to kiss passionately,” never to be confused with…)
“to shag” (This means “to have sex with.”)
LEARN:
The value of exclamatory exaggeration: The choice of wine is simply… heavenly, riveting, divine; a broken toaster is… ghastly, horrid, appalling.
The importance of understatement: Hurricanes? Middle Eastern conflicts? So tiresome. Traffic accident? Broken bone? A bit of a bother. Hitler? Not exactly the kindest person in the world.
ENJOY USING:
The elative letter D: dazzling, devastating, divine.
The deflative letter B: bloody, boring, beastly. (The exception here is brilliant—which cannot be overused.)
NOTE: When it comes to British conversation, discussing money is to be avoided (just like in the US, talk of any kind about how much things cost is considered vulgar); yet discussing the weather is highly encouraged. In America, if you want to describe someone as boring you might say, “She is the type of girl who enjoys discussing the weather.” In England, you are probably seen as a boring person if you do not enjoy discussing the weather.
Pronunciation
One of my favorite nail polish colors (the perfect 1950s red, perfect for toenails) is called “Edinburgundy.” Needless to say, it’s a US brand because I’m afraid the Scottish city of Edinburgh does not rhyme with Pittsburgh. The correct pronunciation is Ed-in-burra—to rhyme with Ventura.
But really, how are innocent Americans to know? The answer is you’re not. There are hundreds of similarly tricky words seemingly designed purely to confuse anyone not born and raised in the UK.
Beauchamp is pronounced Beach-um.
Belvoir is pronounced Beaver.
Bohun is pronounced Boon.
Cholmondely is pronounced Chumley.
Colquhoun is pronounced Cahoon.
Featherstonehaugh is pronounced Fanshaw.
Marjoribanks is pronounced Marchbanks.
Epsom Derby is Epsom DAR-by.
Berkley Square is BARK-ley Square.
Leicester Square is Lester Square.
Gloucester Road is GLOSS-ter Road.
Gloucestershire is GLOSS-ti-sher.
Worcestershire sauce is Wuss-ter-sher sauce.
Magdalene College is Maud-lin College.
A clerk is a clark.
Strawberries are straw-breeze.
Sainsbury’s (a UK grocery store) is pronounced Sanes-breeze.
Cadbury’s chocolate is Cad-breeze chocolate.
Glasgow does not rhyme with “how” but with go.
And so on and so on. It would truly be impossible to list them all. I’m not asking you to fake an English accent; I’m just asking you to be vigilant about correct pronunciation. Keep your ears open and listen to how native speakers pronounce things before attempting them yourself.
Your Accent
American girls’ voices are somewhat harsh… but after a time one gets to love those pretty whirlwinds in petticoats that sweep so recklessly through English society.
—OSCAR WILDE
This is one of the biggest pieces of advice I can give you: do not attempt to fake an English accent. It just sounds silly and it will not endear you to the Brits. I can always spot an American who has lived in London for less than a month yet is trying to sound as if she’s lived here her whole life. I’m telling you, not only is it glaringly obvious, it’s extremely embarrassing for everyone around you. And this is mainly due to the simple fact that a proper English accent is extremely hard to replicate correctly.
While it is correct UK English to pronounce “bath” so that it rhymes with “sloth,” most Americans tend to overdo this particular vowel sound, and more often than not, they overdo
it in the wrong way. For example, Americans attempting to fake a “posh” English accent usually pronounce, “relax” so that it rhymes with “fox,” or “understand” so that it rhymes with “pond.” (Both would be incorrect. And both would sound ridiculous.)
Since words like “cancer” and “dancer” do not rhyme in the UK like they do in America, guessing which sound to use for which words can be a minefield. So unless you’re Gwyneth Paltrow or Anne Hathaway and have endless Hollywood voice coaches at your disposal, don’t do it.
Instead, soften your American accent a bit—lower the volume (then lower it again). In England, speaking loudly is a sure sign of ill breeding, and in fact, the best compliment you can possibly receive from a Brit is that you “seem quiet for an American.”
Tone down the nasal, whiney sounds (we all have them), and work on pronouncing those pesky t’s. (It’s water; not waa-der. It’s tomato; not toma-doe.) If you do these simple things, you’ll be surprised at how many compliments you’ll receive on your gentle American accent. Some will call it sweet. Some will even call it sexy! Don’t try to be or sound like something you’re not; instead make the most of what you have.
REQUIRED VIEWING:
My Fair Lady
This happens to be my favorite movie of all time. It’s based on George Bernard Shaw’s play Pygmalion and is the story of an impoverished young girl named Eliza Doolittle (played by Audrey Hepburn) who sells flowers on the dirty streets of London. When a wealthy linguistic professor named Henry Higgins hears her piercingly crass working-class accent (sounds “like chickens cackling in barn,” he says, “I’d rather hear a choir singing flat”), he makes a bet with a friend that a few weeks of speech coaching is all it will take to pass off this “guttersnipe” as a duchess. Eliza agrees to participate in this wager, and by the end of the movie everyone at the Embassy Ball is convinced that she is of royal blood. And Henry falls in love with her of course. But the most important part is that everyone thinks she’s royal just because her accent changed, when only months ago she was a common ruffian living on the streets.
Excessive childhood viewings of My Fair Lady actually proved to be an invaluable education for me when it came to understanding the intricacies of the English class system, and the knowledge I gleaned from it served me well when I arrived in London. I advise you to watch it and learn. (And I promise, by the end of the movie, you’ll find yourself happily humming the soundtrack.)
RECOMMENDED READING:
Watching the English by Kate Fox
This endlessly entertaining book observes the British with a sharp, anthropological eye, as if they were animals in the wild. Breaking down all facets of British life within the strict UK class structure, the author examines mundane British activities like shopping, gardening, and breakfast and the subtle differences found amid the upper class, middle upper class, upper middle class, middle middle class, lower middle, upper lower, middle lower, and so on. Truly eye-opening stuff. You will never look at the Brits the same again.
Parable #2
My friend Matilda (known as Tilly) is very posh. And very picky. At least when it comes to men. For a while she was the only girl in London who seemed to be dating more than I was—and eventually she eclipsed my efforts completely. Still, I’ll never forget the day she told me she had found “the one.”
“His Internet profile is perfect,” she gushed in her hyper–blue blood voice. “He’s witty, he’s clever, he’s taller than me, he plays rugby, he skis, he sails, and he speaks French, German, and Italian! We’re going to dinner tomorrow night!” She was practically squealing with delight.
The next day, when I called to see if the two of them were engaged, she sounded absolutely crestfallen.
“Was he not good-looking in real life?” I asked.
“He was gorgeous!” she answered, “I wanted to rip his clothes off.”
“So what’s the catch?”
“I’ll tell you what the catch is,” she said bitterly. “The boy does not hold his knife correctly. I sat through our entire meal thinking how I could never bring him home to my parents. They’d kill me if I married someone with even slightly deficient KFS skills.”
“KFS skills?”
“Knife, fork, spoon. It’s army talk. KFS skills are very important to my family. Have been for generations. And rightly so. No, it’s probably for the best that I break things off with Charlie right now. He is gorgeous… but it never would have worked.”
The lesson? In England, table manners are important. Really important. It doesn’t matter how cute or smart you are—what you do with your cutlery on the first date can literally make or break a relationship.
Manners
Thirty years ago, in England as well as on the Continent, the American woman was looked upon as a strange and abnormal creature, with habits and manners somewhere between a savage and a chorus girl.
—LADY RANDOLPH CHURCHILL, 1910
Rightly or wrongly, if there is one thing the English have a reputation for, it’s manners. It’s important to remember that manners are not about being superior to others, but about making those around you feel comfortable. Whether it’s dinner with your British boss, lunch at an English friend’s house, or a date with the Englishman of your dreams, simple etiquette skills give you the confidence to handle any situation and put those around you at ease. Manners are not only enabling, they are disarming—and far from being something antiquated that is no longer relevant, they are a vital part of London life.
When I moved to England at the age of twenty-two to pursue my master’s degree (and to pursue a noble English husband), I already knew (or thought I knew) the basics of English etiquette, mainly because I’d spent so many of my teenage years devouring books on American etiquette. However, whereas Emily Post is the goddess of US manners, she seemed to know relatively little about what I was encountering at UK dinner parties.
To me, the list of unwritten English rules seemed endless, and the smallest blunders on my part would occasionally cause a flurry of barely concealed shudders among my new friends. English etiquette, especially among the upper-class characters I was mixing with, was a minefield—and I wanted to get it right.
As part of my self-taught assimilation course, I decided to memorize Debrett’s Guide to Etiquette and Modern Manners. Debrett’s was founded in 1769 (before the USA even formally existed) and is really the only true authority on proper English behavior. I read it cover to cover, determined to encapsulate all of its wise teachings.
The more I read, the more I realized how little I knew. There were tons of English rules that I’d never heard of, and I have to say, when I first read about them, their arcane absurdity astounded me. From what I could tell, dozens of invisible, nonfunctional rules existed purely to ostracize those that knew them from those that didn’t. (And to allow those in the know to tell terribly amusing anecdotes about those who weren’t.)
For example, port must always be passed clockwise. You don’t talk about it. It just happens. And if I hadn’t happened to read about this universal beverage traffic law the night before I attended a glamorous British dinner party, the port’s journey would have stopped with me, and everyone would have enjoyed being silently aghast at my American ignorance and talked excitedly about the incident among themselves for weeks to come.
Then there’s the monstrous challenge of correctly eating something as simple as peas. Little did I know that the correct way to consume peas is to squash them on top of your fork! By this I mean you must use your knife (held in your right hand) to smash the peas violently against the back of your fork (which you are holding in your left hand with the prongs facing down) until they are sufficiently mushy and secure, after which it is safe to bring the fork to your mouth (prongs still facing down). No piercing of peas is permitted; no scooping of peas is permitted. And under no circumstances are you to turn the fork over and push the peas onto the inside of the fork with your knife.
So please study your etiquette.
/> Because unless you know the rules, how can you break them?
Never be ashamed to acquire the smallest grace by study and practice.
—THE LADY’S BOOK OF LONDON MANNERS, 1890
Continental Dining
I’m not sure Americans realize how silly our table manners look to the rest of Europe. We cut a piece of steak with the knife in our right hand, put the knife down, pick up the fork in our right hand, spear the piece of steak, and then bring it to our mouth. Then we switch the fork to our left hand, pick up the knife and cut another piece of steak. There’s a lot of zigzagging and hand switching going on for every single bite. If you do this in the UK, it’s social suicide. I’m telling you, the Brits will look at you like you’re some kind of swamp creature. And if a well-bred British boy sees you do this, there is absolutely no way he is bringing you home to meet his aristocratic mother.
So please, take my advice and master the art of continental dining. It is by far the most graceful way of eating, but it does take practice.
Hold your fork in your left hand (prongs facing down).
Hold your knife in your right hand.
Handles should be held tucked into the palm, with the index finger resting along the top edge of each handle.
Cut a small piece of food, then, using your knife, press it firmly onto the fork (which is still facing down) and bring the fork (still facing down) directly to your mouth. The knife remains in your right hand and is held low to the plate between cuts.
Never place the knife or fork back onto the table.
Never hold your knife like a pen or your fork like shovel. (Ever.) Beware that in certain English circles they will refer to a person with poor table manners as “HKLP” (Holds Knife Like Pen).
Never eat off the knife.
Never cut food with the side of your fork.