The Regal Rules for Girls

by Jerramy Fine

  And unlike Americans, who will happily introduce themselves to anyone who makes eye contact (and even to those who don’t), Brits wait to be formally introduced. As I mentioned before, there is actually an embarrassment in certain English circles of introducing anyone to anyone, because of course everyone is supposed to know everyone already. If they don’t know someone or that someone’s family—it means that long ago (sometimes even centuries ago) that family was deemed not worth knowing. The whole American idea of “networking” is looked down upon with contempt because to the Brits it implies a certain degree of social climbing. Anyone attempting to mix outside of their circle must be suspect or they wouldn’t have to attempt it in the first place.

  I’d lived in London quite a while before I began to comprehend this antiquated British thinking. When I was doing my master’s degree, I remember asking the registrar if there was any kind of student directory so I could find out who was in my class and keep in touch with them. The British university administrator looked at me like I was absolutely crazy.

  “That information is confidential,” she told me snootily.

  Circa 2002, all my American friends were on MySpace and Friendster, yet when I extended electronic invites to my London friends, every single one of them refused. They just didn’t get the idea of connecting with people—even people they knew! But ever so slowly the landscape changed and a small tipping point was achieved. Before I knew what was happening, English friends were inviting me to join this cool new thing called Facebook. (I have to admit that my very first Facebook invite came from my now sister-in-law—who is English.)

  But the initial reason the Brits liked Facebook so much was because they viewed it as something socially exclusive—another fun way to let some people in and keep others out—the very definition of their beloved class system. (There is a joke that says if you place three Englishmen in a room, they will create an exclusive club for two.) But the good news is that technology and, dare I say it, the rise of the meritocracy is breaking down these barriers. And what do you know—suddenly the English are networking with the rest of us, which means more than ever before, they are willing to befriend an American. (They just won’t share their life story within minutes of making your acquaintance.)

  IDEAS FOR MAKING BRITISH FRIENDS:

  Get a job. If you can’t get a job, get an unpaid internship. Start volunteering. Just do something that will take you away from other Americans and allow you to mix with real British people.

  Live with British people. (See Chapter 1.)

  Throw a cocktail party and invite your office mates—the rule being that they must invite at least one other person that no one else knows. You’ll find that the Brits are secretly very curious about American holiday traditions, so the more American the party—the larger the turnout will be. (See Parable #8.) If you can’t squeeze everyone into your flat, organize an evening picnic in a local park. In bad weather, congregate at a local pub or book the upstairs bar at the Texas Embassy—it’s free and it’s one of the best American bar spaces in the city. www.texasembassy.com

  Organize a neighborhood get-together. Brits are so socially reserved that they usually don’t know any of their neighbors, even if they want to. So take the lead. Print out some invites and slide them under all the doors in your building or into all the mailboxes on your street. When I lived in Maida Vale, I organized a singles party this way, stating “You don’t have to be single, as long as you bring someone who is.” My British flatmates were certain no one would show up. In the end, our garden was filled with nearly fifty people—the party went on far into the night and spilled into all the adjoining flats on our hall. The Brits want to meet people—they just don’t know how!

  Get a dog. I know it’s a lifetime commitment, but the minute I had a pooch with me, suddenly England seemed like America—strangers were absolutely clamoring to talk to me, and now I know at least twenty people in my neighborhood. London has one of the largest and most innovative puppy rescue centers in the world. Check it out (also good for volunteering): Battersea Dogs and Cats Home, www.battersea.org.uk. (Queen Victoria was their first ever patron.)

  Go Scottish dancing. I realize this is like the third time I’ve mentioned this, but I’m telling you—the benefits abound. (See “More Regal Hunting Grounds,” page 169.)

  Start a book club. Everyone wants to join a book club, but no one ever gets around to starting one. This is where you come in. Choose a book that you love (best to start with something you know to be good rather than dragging readers through something awful), invite a handful of people, and again, tell them to invite one other person no one else knows. Hold your first meeting at a fun venue like the Lanesborough Hotel’s Library Bar, www.lanesborough.com/#culinary_experience/library_bar, or the Book Club Bar, www.wearetbc.com. After the first meeting, take turns choosing books and venues. Don’t beat yourselves up if you stop talking about the book after five minutes and drink wine for the rest of the night. (FYI: another fun literary night out is Book Slam, www.bookslam.com.)

  Join the Fulham Women’s Institute (WI). Founded in 1915, the Women’s Institute is kind of like the UK equivalent of the Junior League. Traditionally, the WI attracted a much older crowd, until a few years ago, when a group of London twenty-somethings in the SW area decided to create “a modern women’s group with a traditional ethos.” They throw great balls and do excellent charity work—you can’t go wrong. www.fulhamwi.org.uk

  Expat Groups

  There are quite a few American women’s groups in London. While it can be tempting to reach out to these groups right away, keep in mind that it may not help your immersion into English life, as many members end up socializing only with other Americans. If you do decide to join one, make sure you do at least one thing from the list above as well.

  Kensington & Chelsea Women’s Club (This one tends to be more international than the others and manages to secure some amazing speakers—Lady Sarah Bradford, John Simpson, and Yours Truly to name just a few.) www.kcwc.org.uk

  St.John’s Wood Women’s Club, www.sjwwc.org.uk

  Hampstead Women’s Club, hwcinlondon.co.uk/Home

  Surrey American Women’s Club, www.awsurrey.org

  American Women’s Club of London, www.awclondon.org

  The London Ladies Club, www.londonladies.co.uk

  Also, get in touch with your sorority back at home and ask if there is an alumni chapter in London—most of them have one, and it’s always fun to reconnect with girls with whom you have something in common other than nationality.

  A Country of Countries

  Please note that the United Kingdom, Great Britain, and England are all different places, and Americans are secretly laughed at if they use the terms incorrectly, so pay close attention to the following:

  The United Kingdom of Great Britain and Northern Ireland: The UK is a “country of countries,” made up of four coequal sovereign countries: England, Wales, Scotland, and Northern Ireland. You can call them all “British” (as their inhabitants all have British passports and are considered British citizens), but the four countries generally don’t like one another, so to avoid offense, try to be specific and use the terms “English,” “Welsh,” “Scottish,” and “Northern Irish” when referring to a person’s national identity.

  Great Britain: A geographical rather than a political term, “Great Britain” refers to the largest island among the British Isles and contains England, Wales, and Scotland.

  England: The largest and most populated country in the UK, containing its capital city, London.

  Ireland: Again this is a geographical rather than a political term. The island of Ireland contains two countries: Northern Ireland and the Republic of Ireland. Note that people from the Republic of Ireland are Irish (not Northern Irish).

  European Union: Both the UK and the Republic of Ireland are members of the European Union, but the UK does not use the Euro as its currency.

  The Sun Never Sets…

  As you k
now, the Queen’s face appears on money all over the world. Indeed, at the peak of its power, it was often said that “the sun never sets on the British Empire” because its span across the globe ensured that the sun was always shining on at least one of its numerous territories. Read on to understand the difference between the Empire and the Commonwealth and how the UK fits into it all.

  The British Empire consists of the dominions, colonies, protectorates, mandates, and other territories ruled or administered by the United Kingdom. By 1922, the British Empire held sway over nearly one-quarter of the world’s population and covered almost a quarter of the Earth’s total land area! However, after World War II, many countries sought their independence from the British Empire, and over the next twenty years, British rule ended in many parts of Africa, Asia, the Caribbean, the Mediterranean, and the Pacific.

  The Commonwealth (warning: this is where it gets complicated) is a voluntary association of fifty-three independent countries, many of which were former British colonies. Most countries gained their independence from the Empire through diplomacy and opted to join the Commonwealth. Commonwealth countries can have different constitutions: a republic with a president as head of state (such as India and South Africa), an indigenous monarchy (such as Lesotho and Tonga), a sultanate (Brunei), or a realm recognizing the Queen as sovereign (such as Canada and Australia). Whichever form their constitution takes, all member countries recognize Her Majesty Queen Elizabeth II as Head of the Commonwealth.

  A Commonwealth Realm is a country that has HM Queen Elizabeth II as its monarch and head of state. There are fifteen Commonwealth realms in addition to the UK: Australia, New Zealand, Canada, Jamaica, Antigua and Barbuda, Belize, Papua New Guinea, St. Christopher and Nevis, St. Vincent and the Grenadines, Tuvalu, Barbados, Grenada, the Solomon Islands, St. Lucia, and the Bahamas.

  British Overseas Territories (formerly known as Crown Colonies) are the fourteen territories outside the British Isles over which Britain retains legal sovereignty. These include: Anguilla, Bermuda, the British Antarctic Territory, the British Indian Ocean Territory (BIOT), the British Virgin Islands (BVI), the Cayman Islands, the Sovereign Base Areas of Akrotiri and Dhekelia on Cyprus, the Falkland Islands, Gibraltar, Montserrat, the Pitcairn Islands, St. Helena and its dependencies (Ascension Island and Tristan da Cunha), South Georgia and the South Sandwich Islands, and the Turks and Caicos Islands.

  The Crown Dependencies are the Isle of Man and the Channel Islands (Baliwick of Jersey and Baliwick of Guernsey). They are technically not part of the United Kingdom but are still dependent territories of the English Crown. This means that although they have their own administration, the UK government still handles certain areas of policy.

  Gin and Tonic: A Very Brief History

  When the British were busy colonizing India and other exotic regions of their far-flung Empire, they began drinking tonic water (which contains quinine) in order to ward off malaria. Of course it wasn’t long before the Brits, being Brits, decided to add gin. Hence, one of the best drinks on earth was born.

  Eating in England

  English cuisine is generally so threadbare that for years there has been a gentlemen’s agreement in the civilized world to allow the Brits preeminence in the matter of tea—which, after all, comes down to little more than the ability to boil water.

  —WILIFRED SHEED

  “How do you cope in England?” American friends ask me, “Aren’t you starving? What do you eat over there? Don’t they put mayonnaise on everything?”

  I will admit that it is easier to find good food in America than it is the UK. In America you can pretty much walk into any hole-in-the-wall and expect a certain level of quality, much less edibility. You’ll also probably find that American waiters take a genuine interest in, and will happily discuss with you, whether you’d most enjoy your steak with béarnaise sauce or peppercorn gravy.

  Not so in the UK. You can’t just randomly walk into any cafe or restaurant or pub and expect the food or service to be good. Because it won’t be.

  Please keep in mind that it was little more than twenty years ago that the Brits discovered avocados, much less olive oil. Which kind of explains why many of them still enjoy overcooked meat, overcooked root vegetables, and lots of potatoes, washed down with lots of alcohol. And because the service industry is based on salaries rather than tips, customer service is not exactly stellar.

  Nevertheless, London has come a long way in the last ten years. Whereas before you were lucky if you could find decent tea and toast, suddenly the capital is teeming with designer coffee shops, trendy sushi bars, French bakeries, organic butchers, and cuisine from every corner of the globe.

  Will you be able to find pancakes and waffles? Probably not. But you will be able to taste some of the best Indian, Chinese, and Thai food in the world. Will you be able to find an authentic Caesar salad or New York bagel? Never. But you’ll soon find yourself yearning for bangers and mash,3 shepherd’s pie, and sticky toffee pudding.

  Still, when it comes to eating in England, I feel it is my duty to warn you about certain things so you are not shocked when you first encounter them:

  “Chips” means French fries not potato chips—which are known as “crisps.”

  The UK boasts some of the most disturbing crisp flavors on earth (Prawn Cocktail, Chili & Squid, Lamb & Mint, Ham & Cranberry, Cheddar & Beer, to name just a few).

  Baked potatoes are known as “jacket potatoes.” But don’t expect sour cream and chives. The Brits prefer toppings such as canned corn, baked beans, tuna fish, and mayonnaise. I wish I were joking. (I have actually found a product that offers corn, beans, tuna, and mayonnaise all mixed together in the same can. I mailed one to my friend in New York and it scared her out of her wits.) They also like to put these very same toppings on pizza. Again, I wish were joking.

  Brits like to pour heavy cream on everything—including cheesecake.

  Brits never “go out for ice cream” like Americans do. In fact the only time ice cream seems to be consumed is at the movie theater (aka the “cinema”). This is just as well because cinema popcorn is stale and cold—never hot, never freshly popped, and never drizzled with butter.

  A “full English breakfast” is famously considered among the natives to be the best cure for a hangover. This traditionally consists of fried toast, fried bacon, fried sausages, fried tomatoes, fried mushrooms, and fried eggs sunny-side-up—all served with a giant side of baked beans smothered in something called brown sauce. (But if you ask me, it should also be considered the best guaranteed route to a heart attack.)

  When Brits wash their dishes in the sink (aka when they do the “washing up”), they don’t rinse them. I have no idea why this is and I have had countless debates with them on the subject—but they adamantly insist that rinsing off dish soap is entirely unnecessary. (Luckily, restaurants are required to use hygienically sound industrial dishwashers.)

  Places to AVOID

  (You might want to print this list out and keep it with you)

  The only thing I know is that a real Londoner, a real one, would never, ever, ever eat at one of those bloody Angus bloody Steak Houses in the West End.

  —FROM LONDONERS, BY CRAIG TAYLOR

  London is full of tourist traps designed to appeal to Americans—they are branded in a cheerful way that Americans respond to and recognize, but the food is horrendous. Please trust me on this and don’t be lured into any of the following:

  Aberdeen Steak House

  Angus Steak House

  Bella Italia

  Cafe Rouge

  Café Uno

  Chez Gerrard

  Garfunkel’s

  La Tasca

  Millie’s cookies (Ben’s is so much better!)

  Pizza Hut & KFC (They’re not like the ones in the US!)

  However, there are several London chains all over the city offering coffee, pastries, salads, sandwiches, and even sushi—perfect for grabbing a quick bite for breakfast or lunch. All a
re affordable and of good quality:

  Apostrophe

  Café Nero

  Coffee Republic

  Costa Coffee

  Crush

  EAT

  Gail’s (For the best blueberry muffins and chocolate chip cookies in the city.)

  Hummingbird Bakery

  Itsu Sushi

  LEON

  M&S Food

  Pan Quotidian

  Paul

  Prêt A Manger

  Ottolenghi (More expensive than the others but worth every penny. When the Barefoot Contessa came to London, this was her first stop.)

  More Favorites:

  BEST VEGETARIAN RESTAURANT

  The Gate. Even die-hard carnivores love this place! www.thegate.tv

  BEST FISH AND CHIPS

  Geales. www.geales.com

  BEST “CURRY” (INDIAN FOOD)

  Tandoori Lane. 131 Munster Road, SW6. (Try the chicken specials and king prawn madras!) Closest tube: Parsons Green

  Craving Mexican Food?

  I don’t blame you. England is just getting to grips with Mexican food, and you’ll find that more often than not they try to Europeanize it by adding ingredients like shredded duck meat and goat cheese. Still, two great restaurants have appeared lately that, while not entirely authentic, are as close as you’re going to get:

  Wahaca, www.wahaca.co.uk

  Crazy Homies, www.crazyhomies.com/menu.html

  Craving Surf ’n’ Turf or Pecan Pie?

  Sometimes a girl needs a taste of home. There are lots of restaurants in London that call themselves “American,” but most are anything but. Thank god for the Big Easy. It is the one place in London that genuinely feels like a little slice of the USA. The food portions are large and the cooking is entirely authentic. Live music on the weekends. www.bigeasy.co.uk