16
Lucas
“Okay, Lucas, so how do you want me to do this?”
“It’s simple,” I said. “We just need to get her new address. I know she won’t answer the phone.”
“And how am I supposed to do that?” Alice asked. “Without looking like a total creep.”
“You’ll figure something out,” I said to her, flashing her a smile. I took her hand in mine. “Please, Al. I need you to do this for me. I need to talk to Ellie.”
“You should have talked to Ellie ages ago,” Alice grumbled.
I sighed. “I know, Al.”
“All of this would have been solved if you would have just—”
“I know, Al,” I repeated, pinching the bridge of my nose with my fingers. “Would you please just make the call? Please. I’ll tell you you’re right a thousand more times when this is all over with.”
“A million,” she said. “You’re going to tell me I’m right no matter what I say for the rest of my life. Swear it.”
“Alice—”
“Swear it,” she said, holding the phone up in front of me.
“Yes, fine. You’re right forever and always. You’re the smartest woman in the world, Alice, now please help me.”
“Fine, you big baby,” Alice said, but there was a grin on her face.
She dialed the number of Ellie’s agent, the only number I’d been able to find that was in any way connected to Ellie. She was such a recluse and the phone number I’d had for her previously was disconnected now—there was no way for me to find out on my own where Ellie was or how to get hold of her.
“Hello?” Alice said, then put the phone on speaker and put it on the table between us. “Is this Stacey Summers?”
“Yes, who is this?”
“My name is Alice Paulson. I worked with one of your clients, a writer named Ellie Waters. I took some of the photographs for her recent covers.”
“Right, you’re the one who took these pictures of Lucas Sanders.”
“Yes,” said Alice. “And I have a few more that need approval from her but I can’t seem to find her new address.”
“I can give you her email address if you’d like to send them in,” said Stacey. I shook my head adamantly and Alice seemed to think for a moment.
“I’d actually rather mail them to her,” Alice said, thinking quickly. “I know it seems kind of old-fashioned, but I feel like she has to see the pictures in print to get their true depth. Silly photographer thing.”
“Oh, that’s fine,” said Stacey. “She just bought a new place out by the lake over in Lakeside. Lovely little cottage. I’m sure she’d love to see the photos. She’s been out there working for weeks.”
“Thank you so much,” said Alice.
I grabbed a pen and paper and scribbled down the address as the woman read it to Alice. After a few more minutes, we managed to hang up, and I stared at the address as if it were written in a foreign language. Now that I had it, I had no idea what I would do with it. The only thing I could think of to do was to show up at Ellie’s place, and if that didn’t work I had no idea what would. I would show up in person and prove to her that what she’d seen at Alice’s apartment had been wrong, that the photos—the photos had been a mistake. Getting back with Maria had been a mistake. But there was no way to make Ellie believe that unless I explained it to her in person.
“Thanks, Al,” I said, standing up and putting the address in my pocket. “I’m going to head over there.”
“Now?” asked Alice. “It’s almost dark outside. And it’s about to snow like a foot.”
“I can’t wait anymore. Can Luna stay the night here? Do you mind? I’ll get back tomorrow before the storm.”
“Of course not,” said Alice. “Go get your girl.”
“I hope I can.”
“I hope you can too, you big idiot,” Alice said, shaking her head. “I can’t believe you did that to her in the first place.”
Guilt stabbed through me at the words and all I could do was say goodbye. I got into my car and started toward Ellie’s lake house, thinking to myself about what I was going to say when I saw her. Everything was completely different now—my whole life had changed in the past few months. I’d started my new career as a model, boosted by Ellie’s book cover. I’d been getting work steadily even before her agent called me, and afterward, I’d landed a magazine cover that was set to come out next month. Things were going well and I’d left Maria for good—all there was left to do was to get Ellie back, and I knew that everything would be perfect. I knew it wasn’t going to be easy; I didn’t even know if Ellie would ever forgive me for what I’d done, but I knew I had to try or else I’d never be able to live with myself or look my daughter in the eye again knowing that I’d let the love of my life go without trying to get her back.
By the time I pulled up to the small lake house, it was after dark, but the light was on in the front room. Through the window, I could see Ellie’s silhouette. She sat on the couch, staring at her computer in her lap, not typing but looking blankly at the screen. I knocked on the door, waiting nervously for her to answer. A minute later, she opened it, but when she saw me she tried to shut it again.
“Ellie—” I said, putting my hand out to stop the door from closing. “Wait.”
“No,” she hissed, trying to push it shut.
I was stronger than she was and I managed to hold it open. After a moment, she gave up, crossing her arms over her chest. Her eyes were hot on mine and full of anger and frustration, but there was something else in her gaze that I recognized all too well. I saw desire there, hot and potent, in the back of her mind where even she might not be able to tell what it was.
“Listen, Ellie,” I said. “I just want to talk to you. Just let me talk to you for a minute.”
“There’s nothing to talk about,” she said. “Nothing at all, Lucas. I saw the pictures.”
“I know you saw the pictures. Alice told me, but—”
“But nothing. It doesn’t matter.”
“It does matter, Ellie,” I said, reaching for her hand. I was surprised when she let me take it, and I turned it over in mine to stroke her palm with my fingers. “I love you.”
“Fuck you,” she said quickly, snatching her hand away. I tried to take it again but she threw her arm back and slapped me across the face, knocking me slightly backward with the force of her blow. “Get away from me, Lucas.”
“Ellie, the pictures weren’t what you think. I swear they weren’t. If you would just let me talk to you—”
“I don’t want to talk to you,” she said, shoving my arm from the door and shutting it in my face. I knocked again, desperate, but she didn’t answer.
“Ellie,” I said softly, knowing that she’d probably turned away. “I do love you. I think I loved you the moment we met. I need you to know that.”
“Go away,” she said. “Just get out of here.”
“I’m not going anywhere,” I said to her. “I’ll sleep in my car if I have to. I’m not leaving until you talk to me.”
“Then sleep in your car. I don’t care what you do. Goodbye, Lucas.”
I heard her footsteps leaving the door then and I sat down on the porch, hoping she would change her mind. I sat there for a long time, hoping that the door would open, though each moment that passed I knew it was less and less likely. I turned around and looked up at the house to see all of the lights were off and that she’d gone to bed.
I sighed, then went over to my car and climbed into the backseat. I wasn’t going to go anywhere until she either called the cops or talked to me, though from the look on her face, part of me was worried that it was more likely to be the former. Still, I had to try. I laid down in the backseat and tried desperately to fall asleep, though it was cold and I didn’t have a blanket with me.
I did manage to fall asleep after what felt like a couple of hours, shivering and wrapped up in my coat. I woke up to a knock on the window, my eyes flicking open to see
that it was still dark outside. I sat up, trembling, and looked out to see Ellie standing outside the car, shivering in the cold. I opened the door and looked out at her.
“What are you doing out here? It’s freezing,” I said, instinctively reaching toward her, although there was no way I would be able to warm her up with my freezing body. I hadn’t realized how cold I was until I woke up, but now I found that my jaw was trembling almost violently as I tried to speak.
“You are such an idiot, Lucas Sanders,” she hissed, her face filled with anger and irritation. “You’re going to freeze to death out here. It’s below freezing.”
“I told you, I’m not leaving until you talk to me.”
She snorted. “So you’re going to just die out here, is that right?”
“Are you going to let me?” I asked her, looking into her eyes. “Because I swear to god, I will sleep in this car until morning. I’ll stay here as long as it takes for you to talk to me.”
“I’ll call the cops,” she said, crossing her arms.
“No, you won’t,” I said in a soft voice. I was calling her bluff, I knew, and I also knew there was a chance she wasn’t lying. She looked angry enough to do it. After a moment, though, the anger turned to annoyance.
“You need to come inside. You can’t sleep out here.”
I raised my eyebrows at her, opening my mouth to speak.
“You stay in the guest room and you leave in the morning. I don’t want to see you here when I wake up. Got it?”
I stared at her for a long moment, holding her eye. Something palpable passed between us, a heat that neither one of us could control. She looked away from me.
“Do you understand, Lucas?” she asked. I nodded. I got out of the car and followed her inside, my whole body relaxing in the warmth of the cabin. My muscles felt tense and sore and I was shivering despite the heat of the room. I looked at my fingers to see that they were pale, almost blue, and Ellie was looking at me in concern despite her obvious annoyance.
“You’re freezing,” she said. “You need to get in the shower.”
“I might need some help,” I said, and she raised her eyebrows at me.
“Not happening,” she said. I managed to smile at her. I was weak but it had been a joke, though when I started to follow her in the direction of the bathroom I realized it was almost too difficult to walk. Now that my body was thawing, everything seemed to hurt, and I stumbled in the hallway and fell against the wall as we walked in the direction of the bathroom. She turned around and looked at me, her brow furrowing.
“What’s wrong?” she asked.
“Nothing,” I said, trying to stand up. I managed to get back on my feet and follow her into the bathroom, where she sat on the edge of the tub and turned on the faucet, her hand under the water waiting for it to grow warm. I watched her as the tub filled up, leaning against the wall, my eyes on her face. It had been so long since I’d been able to stare at her, to drink her in, and doing so felt like taking a breath for the very first time in months. I’d missed Ellie more than I could possibly express, even if she let me.
“Ellie,” I said. “I just want to—”
“No,” she said firmly, her voice deadly serious. “And if you try to talk to me about it again, I will call the cops.”
I could tell by the look on her face she was deadly serious. She would do everything she could in order to avoid having that conversation, facing the reality behind the pictures she’d seen. Because the pictures had been reality—I’d been kissing Maria, trying to make it work with her. I’d been an idiot, as usual, and because of that, I’d lost Ellie beyond hope.
My hands were shaking as I tried to unbutton my shirt, but I couldn’t make my fingers work in order to get it off. Ellie watched as I fumbled, chewing on her lip.
“Let me do it,” she said, standing up after she’d watched for a few excruciating seconds. She came to me, her fingers working on the buttons, her eyes on mine as she undressed me. I felt the heat and tension in her body and could see the same thing in her eyes—being close to me affected her in a way that she didn’t want it to. Her lips were parted as she watched my face, her hands automatically going to my belt when she was finished with my shirt. I slipped it off my shoulders, unable to break away from her gaze as she unfastened my belt and took it off for me. I took a step toward her as she unzipped my pants, about to take her into my arms when she stopped and took a step back.
“The bath is ready. Can you get in yourself?”
“I think so,” I said, though I felt almost too weak to lower myself into the tub. There was no way I was going to make her uncomfortable by insisting she assist me in that way, so I nodded and she left the bathroom, allowing me to undress the rest of the way myself before I climbed into the tub.
I settled into the warmth immediately, sinking into it, my body shaking as the cold melted from my bones. It felt so good enveloping me, yet there was a chill within me that couldn’t be solved by the warm water. It was something that was there because of the way that Ellie looked at me, cool and detached, like she didn’t care anymore. I hated that look more than anything and wished I could see love there again. Regardless of what Ellie might say now, she’d been in love with me at some point. I’d been able to tell from the look on her face, could still tell in the rare instance she let me hold her eye. She kept looking away from me and I knew that meant it was hard for her to keep up the appearance of coldness, especially when all she wanted was the same thing I wanted.
I spent a long time in the bath before climbing out, much more stable on my feet than I’d been before I got in. I got dressed, shivering when the cool fabric touched my skin, then left the bathroom and wandered down the hall toward where I could hear soft music playing. I found Ellie in the kitchen, and when I came in she looked up at me with hard, unrelenting eyes.
“I was just about to go to bed,” she said, taking a sip of ice water before setting it on the counter. “I want you gone in the morning.”
“Okay,” I said, knowing I couldn’t argue with her. I’d seen the look in her eye when she’d told me the second time that she would call the cops—she’d meant it. “I’ll set my alarm for early.”
“Good,” she said, though it seemed like it was hard for her to get the word out. “Goodnight, Lucas.”
“Ellie,” I said, taking her wrist as she started to walk away from me. She paused, yanking it away, glaring up at me with a look on her face that was no longer cold, but full of a hot rage.
“I’m sorry,” I said to her. “That’s all I wanted to say.”
“You can say that without touching me,” she said. I’d never seen such sharpness in her face before, such defiant anger. “I don’t want you to touch me, Lucas.”
“I won’t touch you again,” I promised her, though it hurt to say the words. The look on her face told me for an instant she felt the same sting from her words as I had.
“Goodnight,” she said and disappeared from the kitchen. The music was still playing and I leaned against the counter, taking a sip of the water and pressing the glass to my forehead. Suddenly I was warm, uncomfortably so. I stripped out of my shirt and started to make my way toward the bedroom when I ran into Ellie, who had paused at the top of the stairs. She looked at me over her shoulder and I met her eye, noting how her gaze traveled over my bare chest. She lingered on the stairs as I climbed them until I was right behind her, blocking my path.
“Do you need me to show you to your room, Ellie?”
“You don’t—you don’t know where my room is,” she said in a breathy voice. I was standing close, my face level with the back of her neck. I wanted to bury myself in her hair, to breathe her in and hold her close.
“I know where mine is,” I said, without thinking about the words. “You can come with me, angel.”
“No,” she said, but there was a weakness in her voice I took advantage of, barely nuzzling the back of her neck. I could feel her trembling, feel how bad she wanted it. It was then th
at she started up the stairs again, leaving me alone without another word. I heard a door slam upstairs and I sighed, then made my way back to my room, hoping it wasn’t the last time I’d ever see Ellie.
17
Ellie
It was bright outside when I woke up—almost blinding. I looked out the window but didn’t see anything—nothing but the wall of white completely covering the window from bottom to top.
“Oh no,” I said when the realization dawned on me. I scrambled out of bed, leaving the room to look out the large windows at the front of the house. There was a little more visibility, but mostly all there was to see was a wall of endless white.
“Storm came early,” Lucas said from behind me and I froze, my body going tense. I turned to him.
“Looks like we’re stuck here,” he said, an amused half-grin on his face. The look made my heart flutter in my chest, something that annoyed me and made me even angrier. I didn’t want to feel soft towards him. I needed to be strong and go on the offensive.
“No,” I said, then again more loudly. “No, Lucas. I want you out. Now.”
“Ellie, I can’t—”
“I will shovel the snow myself,” I said, marching over to the hall closet where I threw open the door to find my coat. I shrugged it on, cursing inwardly when I realized that it didn’t quite close over my belly. I didn’t think I’d gained that much weight already and hoped again that Lucas wouldn’t notice. He watched me as I put on my coat but if he could tell that it didn’t fit, he didn’t say anything.
“You’re being ridiculous,” he said, crossing his arms. “It’s a full mile to the road from here. You’re going to shovel a mile of snow that high?”
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