In the morning, I woke up with my whole body aching, almost as if I had the flu. I got out of bed grumbling, checking my phone to see I had three texts and a phone call from Lucas. I deleted the texts without reading them, then went into my phone and blocked his number, tossing the phone on the bed and leaving it there, not caring whether it rang or not. I went into the living room and sat down at my desk, putting my head in my hands. I was growing more and more pregnant by the day and it was getting harder to hide it, but if I wasn’t going to see Lucas again I didn’t need to.
There was a knock on my door about an hour later and I didn’t even get up to answer it.
“Ellie,” came Lucas’s voice on the other side. My heart skipped a beat, but I forced myself to ignore it, instead putting on my headphones to drown out the sound of his voice and his knocks. I wasn’t going to see him and give him another chance. There was no way I was going to get my hopes up again thinking he might really love me. But if he did, he wouldn’t have stood me up without calling. I was just an afterthought to him, someone he didn’t even consider when we’d made plans together.
I decided to go home again, knowing I needed to get out of town. I had a feeling Lucas would come back at some point and I didn’t want to be here when he did. I needed to get away, to run and start somewhere new to have this baby. It hurt me to think that he or she would grow up without a father, but it was better than the alternative—being with Lucas and getting crushed by him over and over was no way to live, and I refused to do it no matter how hard I’d fallen for him and how hard it would be to give him up.
I got back home the next day, dragging myself over to Heather’s and knocking on her door. When she opened it, her eyes immediately went to my belly, which had grown slightly round. I didn’t know how Lucas hadn’t really noticed, but it only proved to me how little attention he paid to me unless he was looking for sex. I felt bitter just thinking about it, about how I’d been tricked by him, but I tried not to think about it as I settled into Heather’s house. She stood in my doorway as I sat on the bed, crossing her arms over her chest.
“So you’re pregnant,” she said.
I nodded. “Lucas,” I said.
“I figured. Is he—is he not involved?”
I put my hand on my stomach. “He won’t be, no. He doesn’t even know about it.”
“Are you going to stay here?”
“I think I’ll rent a place in town, just so I’m here while I’m pregnant. I could really use the support.”
“Of course,” she said, crossing the room and putting her hand on my shoulder. “Do you want to tell me what happened with Lucas?”
“I thought things were going well, but then he stood me up. Again. I just can’t do it anymore. I can’t take that feeling again.”
“I’m so sorry, honey,” Heather said sympathetically. “He’s an asshole. He doesn’t know how good he had it with you.”
I shook my head. “It’s over now. I’ll never see him again.”
“What about through the publishing company?” she asked.
“I sent them an email on the plane and told them I didn’t want to have anything else to do with the covers, that they could go ahead and handle them. I won’t have to go to any more of the photoshoots and I won’t even have to approve the photos.”
“Good,” Heather said. “So you can forget all about him.”
I gave a dry laugh. “I doubt that,” I said.
She put her hand on mine, squeezing it. “You can do this, Ellie. You’re strong. You don’t need him.”
“I know,” I said, chewing on my lip. The ache in my chest was almost painful when I thought of Lucas, of the fact my baby would grow up without a father. But I just couldn’t have him in my life anymore—not even to split custody. And I knew if Lucas knew I was pregnant, he would demand to be in his child’s life. There was no way I could deny him that, so it was best just to stay away, keep it a secret and raise my child the best I could on my own.
“Do you want to stay here tonight? You can stay as long as you want. I’ll totally be your baby daddy,” she said.
I laughed. “Yeah, I’d like that. I don’t think I want to be alone right now.”
She wrapped her arm around my shoulder, pulling me close against her.
“I promise it’s going to be okay,” she said. “Just forget about Lucas. Some guys are like that. Everybody gets their heart broken, but you’ll move on. It’ll just take some time.”
“I’ve never loved anybody like this before,” I said. “I didn’t think it was possible. And now he’s gone.”
“I know,” said Heather sympathetically. “Let’s stop talking about it. Want to watch a movie?”
I nodded. “That sounds good,” I said. Anything to get Lucas off my mind, if even for just a couple of hours.
We ended up watching movies all night, and I fell asleep on the couch on Heather’s lap, blissfully avoiding thinking about Lucas while zoning out watching TV. I knew this wasn’t a solution I could keep up for long—eventually, the movies would stop, and the feelings would hit me again full-force like a speeding train. But for now, I was content, and I drifted off to sleep in my friend’s lap without a worry in the world.
24
Lucas
“She’s gone,” I said to Alice. We were sitting outside of Luna’s preschool waiting for her. “She just left.”
“You stood her up, Lucas,” she said. “What did you expect?”
“I didn’t mean to,” I said, gritting my teeth. “You know what happened. Luna broke her arm. I had to take her to the hospital and I didn’t have my phone. If Ellie would just let me explain—”
“Look at it from her point of view,” Alice said. “You up and left her once to get back with your wife. Then you say you want her back, you flirt, you go on a date. And then you stand her up again. I would leave, too.”
I sighed, running my hand through my hair.
“I know,” I said. “I just want to explain to her what happened.”
“You going to go find her?” Alice asked.
“I assume she went back home,” I said. “I might start there, see if I can track her down.”
“Don’t be weird about it, Lucas,” Alice said. “If she says she doesn’t want to see you, you need to come back home and leave her alone.”
“I will. But I have to give it one last shot.”
“I’ll keep Luna as long as you want,” Alice said, turning when the school bell rang to see Luna skipping out to us, her arm in a bright pink cast that had been signed by all of her friends. Luna had taken easily to having a broken arm and was rather proud of her cast, something that I was relieved about. I didn’t think I could take it to know that it was constantly bothering her, but it didn’t even seem to affect her as she played like she normally did.
“Hi, Daddy,” she said brightly as we got into the car.
“Hi, baby. How was your day?”
“It was good!” she said excitedly. She flopped her legs on Alice in the car and we drove back home. The entire time, I thought about Ellie. Alice was right. I had one last chance to try and see her, to try to win her back before I looked like a total creep. I didn’t know what exactly I was going to do when I saw her, but I knew I couldn’t waste the opportunity.
I left the next day, nervous on the whole flight. I hated flying anyway, but it was compounded by the fact that I knew when I saw Ellie there would be a look of anger on her face, of hurt and betrayal. Alice was right—there was no excuse for not calling Ellie the night Luna had fallen out of the tree and broken her arm. I’d owed her that, especially after disappearing on her the first time.
I flew into the airport and rented a car, driving about three hours to get to Ellie’s hometown in western Kansas. It was a long, flat, boring drive, one that gave me no choice but to dwell on the anxiety racing within me. I wished I could calm down, but I knew that everything was at stake here. This was it—the last opportunity I would have to get the love of my l
ife back with me where she belonged. I knew that’s what Ellie was—she was perfect for me, the one that I was meant to spend my life with, and I had to tell her that before we went our separate ways forever otherwise it would eat me alive for the rest of my life.
I got to her hometown late and checked into a motel there, but ended up staying up all night. I paced a lot, going back and forth, trying to think of some big romantic gesture that might win Ellie back. I could think of nothing. She wasn’t that type of girl, one that could be won over by gifts or grand displays of affection. I needed to convince her somehow that I was completely dedicated to her in every way, that I would put her first above everybody in my life other than my daughter.
I wasn’t sure where to start the next day, but then I remembered that Ellie had mentioned that her friend worked at a local coffee shop in town. I decided to start there, looking up the address on my phone to see it was only a few blocks away. I left the motel and started to walk, looking around as I did. It was a cute town, quaint, with several little shops along the main street. The houses were old, mostly Victorian-style, two and three massive stories with wraparound porches and well-maintained gardens in front.
I got to the coffee shop, pausing before I went in. I didn’t even know if Ellie was there or not, but I knew wherever I went in this town, there was a risk of running into her. I didn’t even know what I’d say when I saw her, other than try to explain myself. I had a feeling it wouldn’t be enough. There was more to Ellie leaving than the fact I’d stood her up. She kept running—running was what she did when she got afraid. Only I wasn’t going to let her run this time, not without saying what I needed to say.
There was a girl standing at the counter, who looked up at me with a smile.
“Hi,” she said. “Welcome to the Perk.”
“Hi,” I said, walking up to the counter. “I hope this isn’t too strange, but would your name happen to be Heather?”
Her face went suspicious. “You a cop?”
“What? No,” I said. “I’m—my name is Lucas Sanders. I’m a friend of Ellie’s.”
She stared at me, her eyes narrowing.
“You’re not Ellie’s friend,” she said.
“Please,” I said to her. “I just—”
A customer came up behind me, cutting me off. I moved to the side to allow the woman to order, sitting down at a table until she was finished. I got up again to go back to the counter, but Heather put her hand up to stop me.
“I’m taking a break in twenty minutes,” she said. “We can talk. But I’m not going to let you see Ellie. I’m not letting you get anywhere near her.”
“Okay,” I said, knowing there was no use fighting right now. I would try to explain myself to Heather and try to get her to see my side of the situation. All I could do was hope that she could empathize with the reasons I’d treated Ellie the way I had. I regretted every bit of it, no matter what the reason, but I couldn’t take it back now.
I waited at the table, feeling impatient to talk to Heather. It seemed like one of the longest twenty minutes of my life, like time wasn’t passing at all. When she was ready for her break, she came out from behind the counter and gestured for me to follow her outside. We went around the corner to an alley and she lit a cigarette, staring at me with cold, hard eyes.
“Why are you here, Lucas?” she asked. “Why don’t you just leave her alone?”
“I love her,” I said, the words coming out as fiercely as I felt them. “Ellie is the love of my life. I have to fight for her.”
“Then you should have fought for her. You shouldn’t have abandoned her not once, but twice. Twice, you totally let her down. You crushed her.”
“I made a huge mistake the first time. A massive mistake. I should have never given in to Maria, I know that. But the night I stood Ellie up, Luna broke her arm. I didn’t have my phone on me and I was panicking. I didn’t even think about Ellie, I—”
“Exactly,” Heather said. “You didn’t even think about Ellie. Because she’s just an afterthought to you. I know guys like you. All you wanted from her was sex, and once you got it, you treated her like shit.”
“It wasn’t just about sex,” I said, my words coming out more forcefully than I wanted them to. I took a deep breath, forcing myself to calm down. “It could never be just about sex with Ellie. I just—I want to talk to her. I want to explain about Luna. I want to—I want to tell her that I will love her for the rest of my life, even if she sends me away. I have to tell her that.”
She peered at me, studying my face, trying to assess whether or not I was being genuine. I didn’t try to hide anything; I knew the emotions were clear on my face. The desperation, the hopelessness, the need to see her.
“Ellie’s pregnant,” she said after a moment.
I gaped at her, my mouth dropping open. “She’s what?”
“Pregnant. I don’t know how far along.”
“Is she—is she keeping it?”
She gave me a dry look. “Yes.”
“And she wasn’t going to tell me,” I said.
“No, she wasn’t. She wants to raise it alone. She doesn’t want you to be a part of this.”
“So why did you tell me?” I asked, frustrated, running my hand through my hair. I was filled with shock and anger. “If there’s nothing I can do about it.”
“Because I think you do love Ellie. I know you love Ellie. And I know she loves you,” Heather said. “I also know that she runs when she gets scared.”
“She does,” I said.
“I didn’t want to tell you,” she said. “I don’t think there’s anything you can do about it. Ellie’s pretty stubborn. She made up her mind about you.”
“There has to be some way I can convince her,” I said. “If she’s having my child, I need to be there. I can’t just let her do it by herself.”
“Ellie deserves a partner. Her baby deserves a father,” Heather said, then her eyes went hard. “And if I help you and you let her down one more time, I swear to god I will track you down and wring your neck. I don’t care whose baby daddy you are.”
I could see in her face that she was dead serious. “So you’re going to help me?”
“I’m going to help you get the chance to talk to her. That’s all I can do. I can’t convince her to do anything. I don’t even know if I can really convince her to hear you out. But I’m going to try.”
“I want to plan for it,” I said. “I don’t just want—I don’t just want to show up at her house. I need this to be perfect if I’m going to win her back and convince her to trust me.”
“So what are you going to do? Some grand romantic gesture?”
I rubbed my hand over my mouth. “I don’t know. I’m going to think about it.”
“Well, think quick,” she said. “I get off in a couple of hours. Let me know what your plan is then.”
“Okay,” I said. “Thank you so much, Heather. I really—I can’t tell you how much this means to me.”
“I’m serious. I’ll kill you if you hurt her again. Especially now that she’s pregnant.”
“I won’t,” I vowed. There was no way I was going to mess up again. I was going to spend the rest of my life with Ellie and our family.
25
Ellie
“Get up and take a shower,” Heather said when she came into the house. I was lying on the couch under a blanket, curled up, my hand on my belly. It seemed like I hadn’t moved in days, hadn’t left the house or showered. I didn’t feel like doing anything, didn’t even feel like existing. I looked up at her, blinking.
“Why?” I asked.
“We’re going to Springfest,” she said.
I groaned. “No, Heather, I really can’t,” I protested.
Springfest was our local festival in the park. It happened once a year and was the highlight of the town—it featured carnival rides and live music, food trucks, and other activities in the park. It was always crowded with people, and it was the last place I wanted to
go.
“We’re going,” Heather said adamantly. “You need some air. Go take a shower and get pretty.”
I looked up at her face and sighed. I knew that look. She wasn’t going to stop hounding me unless I did what she said.
“I’m only going for an hour,” I grumbled, forcing myself off the couch, my body feeling heavy like it was made of lead. I glared at her as I made my way through the hall and into the bathroom, stripping out of the sweats I’d been wearing for days. Stepping under the water felt good, and I felt myself come to life a little bit as I washed my body and my hair, which was tangled and messy.
I got out of the shower and got ready, surprised at how much better I felt. I still had that heaviness in my chest that wouldn’t go away, the knot that had formed the night Lucas had stood me up still hadn’t subsided weeks later. At this point, I didn’t think that it would ever go away. I felt like the hole inside of me that Lucas and Luna had left was too massive to fill, even by having my own child. I hated thinking about him and pushed the thought away as I slipped into the last dress I owned that fit me, a loose pale pink shift that looked good on my skin. I put makeup on, knowing it was something that Heather would insist on me doing, and when I looked at myself in the mirror, I hardly recognized my own face. I’d spent so much time weak, tired, not taking care of myself, I’d grown used to my own haggard appearance. Now, I looked like myself again, and I took a moment to appreciate that before I headed downstairs.
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