SIDNEY: What do you mean, no shoes?
JANE: They’re in there.
SIDNEY: Where?
JANE: By the fireplace. I left them so I could slip them on.
SIDNEY: Well, then, why didn’t you?
JANE: I didn’t have time. I forgot.
SIDNEY: Well, come and get them.
JANE: No …
SIDNEY: It’s only Dick and Lottie Potter.
JANE: You fetch them.
SIDNEY: I can’t fetch them.
JANE: Yes, you can. Pick them up and bring them in here.
SIDNEY: But I …
JANE: Sidney, please.
SIDNEY: Dear oh dear. What a start. I say, what a start. [He opens the door cautiously and listens. Silence] They’ve stopped talking.
JANE: Have they?
SIDNEY: Wondering where we are, no doubt.
JANE: Well, go in. Here.
SIDNEY: What?
JANE: [handing him her slippers] Take these.
SIDNEY: What do I do with these?
JANE: The hall cupboard.
SIDNEY: You’re really expecting rather a lot tonight, aren’t you?
JANE: I’m sorry.
SIDNEY: Yes, well it’s got to stop. It’s got to stop. I have to entertain out there, you know. [He opens the door and starts laughing heartily as he does so]
[SIDNEY goes out, closing the door]
[JANE hurries about nervously, making still more adjustments to her person and checking her appearance in the mirror]
[At length the door opens, letting in a bellow of laughter. SIDNEY returns, carrying JANE’s shoes]
[Behind him] Yes, I will. I will. I’ll tell her that, Dick … [He laughs until he’s shut the door. His laugh cuts off abruptly. Thrusting JANE’s shoes at her, ungraciously] Here.
JANE: Oh, thank goodness.
SIDNEY: Now for heaven’s sake, come in.
JANE: [struggling into her shoes] Yes, I’m sorry. What did Dick say?
SIDNEY: When?
JANE: Just now? That you told him you’d tell me.
SIDNEY: I really can’t remember. Now then, are you ready?
JANE: Yes, yes.
SIDNEY: It’s a good job it’s only Dick and Lottie out there. It might have been the Brewster-Wrights. I’d have had a job explaining this to them. Walking in and out like a shoe salesman. All right?
JANE: Yes.
SIDNEY: Right. [He throws open the door, jovially] Here she is. [Pushing JANE ahead of him] Here she is at last.
[Hearty cries of “Ah ha” from DICK and LOTTIE]
JANE: [going in] Here I am.
[JANE and SIDNEY exit]
SIDNEY: [closing the door behind him] At last.
[A silence. A long one.]
[SIDNEY returns to the kitchen. Conversation is heard as he opens and closes the door. He starts hunting round the kitchen opening drawers and not bothering to shut them. After a second, the door opens again, and JANE comes in]
JANE: [as she enters] Yes, well you say that to Lottie, not to me. I don’t want to know that … [She closes the door] What are you doing? Oh, Sidney, what are you doing? [She hurries round after him, closing the drawers]
SIDNEY: Bottle-opener. I’m trying to find the bottle-opener. I can’t get the top off Lottie’s bitter lemon.
JANE: It’s in there.
SIDNEY: In there?
JANE: Why didn’t you ask me?
SIDNEY: Where in there?
JANE: On the mantelpiece.
SIDNEY: The mantelpiece?
JANE: It looks nice on the mantelpiece.
SIDNEY: It’s no use having a bottle-opener on a mantelpiece, is it? I mean, how am I …?
[The door chimes sound]
JANE: Somebody else.
SIDNEY: All right, I’ll go. You open the bitter lemon. With gin.
JANE: Gin and bitter lemon.
SIDNEY: And shake the bottle first.
[SIDNEY opens the door. Silence from the room. He goes out, closing it]
JANE: [to herself] Gin and bitter lemon–shake the bottle first–gin and bitter lemon–shake the bottle first … [She returns to the door and opens it very slightly. There can now be heard the chatter of five voices. She closes the door and feverishly straightens herself]
[The door opens a crack and SIDNEY’s nose appears. Voices are heard behind him]
SIDNEY: [hissing] It’s them.
JANE: Mr and Mrs Brewster-Wright?
SIDNEY: Yes, Ronald and Marion. Come in.
JANE: Ronald and Marion.
SIDNEY: Come in.
[SIDNEY opens the door wider, grabs her arm, jerks her through the door and closes it]
JANE: [as she is dragged in] Gin and bitter lemon–shake the bottle first …
[Silence. Another fairly long one. The door bursts open and JANE comes rushing out]
[Murmur of voices]
[Over her shoulder] Wait there! Just wait there! [She dashes to the sink and finds a tea towel and two dish cloths]
[RONALD, a man in his mid-forties, enters. Impressive without being distinguished. He is followed by an anxious SIDNEY. RONALD is holding one leg of his trousers away from his body. He has evidently got drenched]
SIDNEY: Oh dear oh dear. I’m terribly sorry.
RONALD: That’s all right. Can’t be helped.
JANE: Here’s a cloth.
RONALD: Oh, thank you – yes, yes. [He takes the tea towel] I’ll just use this one, if you don’t mind.
SIDNEY: Well, what a start, eh? What a grand start to the evening. [With a laugh] Really, Jane.
JANE: I’m terribly sorry. I didn’t realize it was going to splash like that.
RONALD: Well, tricky things, soda siphons. You either get a splash or a dry gurgle. Never a happy medium.
JANE: Your nice suit.
RONALD: Good God, it’s only soda water. Probably do it good, eh?
JANE: I don’t know about that.
RONALD: [returning the tea towel] Thanks very much. Well, it’s wet enough outside there. I didn’t expect to get wet inside as well.
SIDNEY: No, no …
JANE: Terribly sorry.
RONALD: Accidents happen. Soon dry out. I’ll run around for a bit.
SIDNEY: I’ll tell you what. I could let you have a pair of my trousers from upstairs just while yours dry.
JANE: Oh, yes.
RONALD: No, no. That’s all right. I’ll stick with these. Hate to break up the suit, eh? [He laughs]
[So do SIDNEY and JANE]
[MARION, a well-groomed woman, a little younger than RONALD and decidedly better preserved, comes in]
MARION: All right, darling?
RONALD: Yes, yes.
MARION: Oh! [She stops short in the doorway] Isn’t this gorgeous? Isn’t this enchanting.
JANE: Oh.
MARION: What a simply dishy kitchen. [To JANE] Aren’t you lucky.
JANE: Well …
MARION: It’s so beautifully arranged. Ronnie, don’t you agree? Isn’t this splendid.
RONALD: Ah.
MARION: Just look at these working surfaces and you must have a gorgeous view from that window, I imagine.
SIDNEY: Well …
MARION: It must be stunning. You must look right over the fields at the back.
SIDNEY: No–no.
JANE: No, we just look into next door’s fence.
MARION: Well, which way are the fields?
JANE: I’ve no idea.
MARION: How extraordinary. I must be thinking of somewhere else.
SIDNEY: Mind you, we’ve got a good ten yards to the fence …
RONALD: On a clear day, eh?
SIDNEY: Beg pardon?
MARION: Oh look, Ronnie, do come and look at these cupboards.
RONALD: Eh?
MARION: Look at these, Ronnie. [Opening and shutting the cupboard doors] They’re so easy to open and shut.
JANE: Drawers–here, you see …
MARION: Drawers! [Opening
them] Oh, lovely deep drawers. Put all sorts of things in these, can’t you? And then just shut it up and forget them.
SIDNEY: Yes, yes, they’re handy for that …
MARION: No, it’s these cupboards. I’m afraid I really do envy you these. Don’t you envy them, Ronnie?
RONALD: I thought we had cupboards.
MARION: Yes, darling, but they’re nothing like these. Just open and shut that door. It’s heaven.
RONALD: [picking up a booklet from the counter] Cupboard’s a cupboard. [He sits and reads]
JANE: [proudly] Look. [Going to the washing machine] Sidney’s Christmas present to me …
MARION: [picking up the air freshener from the top of the washing machine] Oh lovely. What is it? Hair spray?
SIDNEY: No, no. That’s the fly spray, no. My wife meant the machine. [He takes the spray from her and puts it down]
MARION: Machine?
JANE: Washing machine. Here …
MARION: Oh, that’s a washing machine. Tucked under there. How thrilling. What a marvellous Christmas present.
JANE: Well, yes.
MARION: Do tell me, how did you manage to keep it a surprise from her?
SIDNEY: Well …
MARION: I mean, don’t tell me he hid it or wrapped it up. I don’t believe it.
SIDNEY: No, I just arranged for the men to deliver it and plumb it in.
JANE: They flooded the kitchen.
MARION: Super.
JANE: You see, it’s the automatic. It’s got–all the programmes and then spin-drying and soak.
MARION: Oh, good heavens. Ronnie, come here at once and see this.
RONALD: [reading avidly] Just coming …
MARION: [bending to read the dial] What’s this? Whites–coloureds–my God, it’s apartheid.
JANE: Beg pardon?
MARION: What’s this? Minimum icon? What on earth is that?
JANE: No, minimum iron.
MARION: Don’t tell me it does the ironing too.
JANE: Oh, no, it …
MARION: Ronnie, have you seen this extraordinary machine?
RONALD: Yes. Yes …
MARION: It not only does your washing and your whites and your blacks and your coloureds and so on, it does your ironing.
SIDNEY: No, no …
JANE: No …
MARION: [to JANE] We shall soon be totally redundant. [She picks up the spray and fires it into the air and inhales] What a poignant smell. It’s almost too good to waste on flies, isn’t it. Now where …? It’s a little like your husband’s gorgeous cologne, surely?
JANE: Oh, well …
[The doorbell chimes]
MARION: Oh, good gracious. What was that? Does that mean your shirts are cooked or something.
SIDNEY: No, front doorbell.
MARION: Oh, I see. How pretty.
SIDNEY: Somebody else arrived.
JANE: Yes, I’d better …
SIDNEY: Won’t be a minute.
JANE: No, I’ll go.
SIDNEY: No …
JANE: No, I’ll go.
[JANE hurries out, closing the door]
MARION: I do hope your Mr and Mrs Potter don’t feel terribly abandoned in there. They’re splendidly jolly, blooming people, aren’t they?
SIDNEY: Yes, Dick’s a bit of a laugh.
MARION: Enormous. Now, you must tell me one thing, Mr Hopcraft. How on earth did you squeeze that machine so perfectly under the shelf? Did you try them for size or were you terribly lucky?
SIDNEY: No, I went out and measured the machine in the shop.
MARION: Oh, I see.
SIDNEY: And then I made the shelf, you see. So it was the right height.
MARION: No, I mean how on earth did you know it was going to be right?
SIDNEY: Well, that’s the way I built it.
MARION: No. You don’t mean this is you?
SIDNEY: Yes, yes. Well, the shelf is.
MARION: Ronnie!
RONALD: Um?
MARION: Ronnie, darling, what are you reading?
RONALD: [vaguely consulting the cover of his book] Er …
SIDNEY: Ah, that’ll be the instruction book for the stove.
RONALD: Oh, is that what it is. I was just trying to work out what I was reading. Couldn’t make head or tail.
MARION: Darling, did you hear what Mr Hop–er …
SIDNEY: Hopcroft.
MARION: Sidney, isn’t it? Sidney was saying …?
RONALD: What?
MARION: Darling, Sidney built this shelf on his own. He went out and measured the machine, got all his screws and nails and heaven knows what and built this shelf himself.
RONALD: Good Lord.
SIDNEY: I’ve got some more shelves upstairs. For the bedside. And also, I’ve partitioned off part of the spare bedroom as a walk-in cupboard for the wife. And I’m just about to panel the landing with those knotty pine units, have you seen them?
MARION: Those curtains are really the most insistent colour I’ve ever seen. They must just simply cry out to be drawn in the morning.
[JANE sticks her head round the door]
JANE: Dear–it’s Mr and Mrs Jackson.
SIDNEY: Oh. Geoff and Eva, is it? Right, I’ll be in to say hallo.
MARION: Geoff and Eva Jackson?
SIDNEY: Yes. Do you know them?
MARION: Oh yes. Rather. Darling, it’s Geoff and Eva Jackson.
RONALD: Geoff and Eva who?
MARION: The Jacksons.
RONALD: Oh, Geoff and Eva Jackson. [He goes and studies the washing machine]
MARION: That’s nice, isn’t it?
RONALD: Yes?
JANE: Are you coming in?
SIDNEY: Yes, yes.
MARION: Haven’t seen them for ages.
JANE: They’ve left the dog in the car.
SIDNEY: Oh, good.
MARION: Have they a dog?
JANE: Yes.
MARION: Oh, how lovely. We must see him.
JANE: He’s–very big …
SIDNEY: Yes, well, lead on, dear.
[JANE opens the door. A burst of conversation from the sitting room. JANE goes out. SIDNEY holds the door open for MARION, sees she is not following him and torn between his duties as a host, follows JANE off]
We’ll be in here. [He closes the door]
MARION: Ronnie …
RONALD: [studying the washing machine] Mm?
MARION: Come along, darling.
RONALD: I was just trying to work out how this thing does the ironing. Don’t see it at all. Just rolls it into a ball.
MARION: Darling, do come on.
RONALD: I think that woman’s got it wrong.
MARION: Darling …
RONALD: Um?
MARION: Make our excuses quite shortly, please.
RONALD: Had enough, have you?
MARION: We’ve left the boys …
RONALD: They’ll be all right.
MARION: What’s that man’s name?
RONALD: Hopcraft, do you mean?
MARION: No, the other one.
RONALD: Oh, Potter, isn’t it?
MARION: Well, I honestly don’t think I can sit through many more of his jokes.
RONALD: I thought they were quite funny.
MARION: And I’ve never had quite such a small gin in my life. Completely drowned.
RONALD: Really? My scotch was pretty strong.
MARION: That’s only because she missed the glass with the soda water. Consider yourself lucky.
RONALD: I don’t know about lucky. I shall probably have bloody rheumatism in the morning.
[SIDNEY sticks his head round the door. Laughter and chatter behind him]
Three Plays Page 2