JANE: You should know those, shouldn’t you?
[SIDNEY and JANE laugh. MARION opens her present]
MARION: [with a joyous cry] Oh, look! It’s a lovely bottle of gin. Isn’t that kind?
RONALD: Oh, my God.
SIDNEY: Bit of Christmas spirit.
MARION: Lovely. I’ll think of you when I’m drinking it.
JANE: [still rummaging] To the boys with love from Sidney and Jane. [She produces two rather ghastly woolly toys–obviously unsuitable]
SIDNEY: That’s just a little something.
JANE: Just for their stockings in the morning.
MARION: Oh, how nice.
RONALD: They’ll love these …
SIDNEY: That the lot?
JANE: No, I’m just trying to find the hm-mm.
SIDNEY: Well, it’ll be at the bottom somewhere, I should think.
JANE: I’ve got it. It’s nothing very much. We just got it this evening out of a cracker actually. We were going to keep it for our budgie but we thought your George might like it. For his collar.
[She holds up a little bell on a ribbon]
EVA: Oh.
SIDNEY: So you’ll know where he is.
JANE: As if you couldn’t guess.
[SIDNEY barks genially and hands them the bell]
SIDNEY: Woof woof!
EVA: Thank you.
SIDNEY: [to GEOFFREY] Woof woof. [No response] Woof woof.
GEOFFREY: [flatly] Thanks a lot.
SIDNEY: That’s your lot. No more.
RONALD: I’m terribly sorry. I’m afraid we haven’t got you anything at all. Not really much of ones for present buying.
SIDNEY: Oh, we didn’t expect it.
JANE: No, no.
[A pause. SIDNEY puts on a nose mask. JANE laughs. The others look horrified. MARION pours herself a gin]
SIDNEY: Well – [he pauses] – you know who ought to be here? now?
JANE: Who?
SIDNEY: Dick Potter. He’d start it off.
JANE: With a bit of help from Lottie.
SIDNEY: True. True.
RONALD: Yes, well, for some odd reason we’re all feeling a bit low this evening. Don’t know why. But we were just all saying how we felt a bit down.
JANE: Oh …
SIDNEY: Oh dear oh dear.
RONALD: Just one of those evenings, you know. The point is you’ll have to excuse us if we’re not our usual cheery selves.
MARION: I’m perfectly cheery. I don’t know about anybody else.
RONALD: That is apart from my wife who is perfectly cheery.
SIDNEY: Oh, that’s quite understood.
JANE: I have those sometimes, don’t I?
SIDNEY: You certainly do. You can say that again. Well, that’s a shame.
RONALD: Yes.
EVA: [after a slight pause] My husband was saying to me just now, Sidney, that he feels terribly guilty that you keep on asking him to do jobs for you and he just hasn’t been able to manage them.
SIDNEY: Yes. Well, he’s a busy man.
EVA: Sometimes. But he really is dying to do something for you before long.
GEOFFREY: Eh?
EVA: He’s really longing to.
SIDNEY: Oh, well in that case, we’ll see.
EVA: If you could keep him in mind.
SIDNEY: Yes, I’ll certainly keep him in mind. Really rather depends.
GEOFFREY: Yes, it does rather.
EVA: He’d love to.
SIDNEY: [after a pause] Well now, what shall we do? Anyone got any ideas? We can’t all sit round like this, can we? Not on Christmas Eve.
JANE: No, not on Christmas Eve.
SIDNEY: Spot of carpentry, spot of plumbing, eh? I know, what about a spot of electrical work? [At the radio] Well, we can have a bit of music to start off with, anyway. [To RONALD] This work all right, does it?
RONALD: Yes, yes, but I wouldn’t …
SIDNEY: Get the party going, bit of music … [He switches on the radio and begins to dance a little]
JANE: Bit of music’ll get it going.
SIDNEY: Hey …
JANE: What?
SIDNEY: You know what we ought to do now?
JANE: What?
SIDNEY: We ought to move all the chairs back and clear the floor and …
[The radio warms up and the room is filled with the sound of an interminable Scottish reel which plays continually. Like most Scottish reels, without a break. This effectively drowns the rest of SIDNEY and JANE’s discussion. He continues to describe with graphic gestures his idea to JANE. JANE claps her hands with excitement. They move the table, stove and chairs out of the way. SIDNEY then wheels the trolley away past MARION’s armchair. She grabs a bottle as it goes by]
RONALD: [yelling above the noise] What the hell’s going on?
SIDNEY: [yelling back] You’ll see. Just a minute. [He turns the radio down a little] Now then. We can’t have this. We can’t have all these glum faces, not at Christmas time.
JANE : [scurrying about collecting a bowl of fruit, a spoon, a tea-cosy, colander and tea towel from the dresser and draining-board] Not at Christmas time. [She opens the gin bottle and puts a glass near it on the trolley]
SIDNEY: So we’re going to get you all jumping about. Get you cheerful.
RONALD: No, well, I don’t think we really …
SIDNEY: No arguments please.
RONALD: Yes, but all the same …
SIDNEY: Come on then, Eva, up you get.
EVA: [uncertainly] Well …
SIDNEY: Come on. Don’t you let me down.
EVA: No … [She rises]
GEOFFREY: I’m afraid we both have to …
EVA: No, we don’t. We’ll play.
GEOFFREY: What do you mean, we’ll …
EVA: If he wants to play, we’ll play, darling.
[JANE begins to roll up the carpet]
SIDNEY: That’s grand. That’s marvellous. That’s two–come on–any more?
MARION: What are we all doing? Is she going to be terribly sweet and wash our floor?
JANE: No, we’re playing a game.
SIDNEY: A game.
MARION: Oh, what fun …
RONALD: Marion, I really don’t think we should …
MARION: Oh, don’t be such a misery, Ronnie. Come on.
RONALD: Oh …
SIDNEY: That’s telling him, that’s telling him. Now then, listen very carefully, everyone. This is a version of musical chairs called Musical Dancing.
JANE: Musical Forfeits.
SIDNEY: Musical Dancing. It’s called Musical Dancing.
JANE: Oh, I thought it was called Musical Forfeits.
SIDNEY: Musical Dancing. It’s very simple. All you do – you start dancing round the room and when I stop the music you all have to freeze in the position you were last in …
[GEOFFREY sits on the high stool]
Don’t let him sit down. [To GEOFFREY] Come on, get up.
EVA: [sharply] Get up.
[GEOFFREY gets up]
SIDNEY: Only to make it more difficult, the last person caught moving each time gets a forfeit. At the end, the person with the least forfeits gets the prize. [To JANE] What’s the prize going to be?
JANE: [producing it from the carrier] A chocolate Father Christmas.
SIDNEY: A chocolate Father Christmas, right. Everything ready your end?
JANE: I think so.
SIDNEY: Got the list?
JANE: [waving a scrap of paper] Yes.
SIDNEY: Right. You take charge of the forfeits. I’ll do the music. Ready, everybody? Right. Off we go.
[SIDNEY turns up the music loud. The four stand looking faintly uneasy. JANE and SIDNEY dance about to demonstrate]
Well, come on then. Come on. I don’t call that dancing. Everybody dance. Come on, dance about. Keep dancing till the music stops.
[MARION starts to dance, in what she imagines to be a classical ballet style. She is extremely shaky]
That’s it. Sh
e’s doing it. That’s it. Look at her. Everybody do what she’s doing. Lovely.
[The others begin sheepishly and reluctantly to hop about] And–stop! [He cuts off the music] Right. Who was the last?
JANE: Ron.
SIDNEY: Right. It’s Ron. Ron has a forfeit. What’s the first one?
JANE: [consulting her list] Apple under the chin.
SIDNEY: Apple under his chin, right. Put an apple under his chin.
RONALD: Eh? What are you doing?
[JANE puts the apple under his chin]
JANE: Here. Hold it. Go on, hold it.
RONALD: Oh, don’t be so ridiculous, I can’t possibly …
MARION: Oh, for heaven’s sake, darling, do join in. We’re all waiting for you. Don’t be tedious.
RONALD: [talking with difficulty] This is absolutely absurd. I mean how am I to be …
SIDNEY: [over this] And off we go again. [He turns up the music]
[They resume dancing. MARION is the only one who moves around: the others jig about on one spot. SIDNEY shouts encouragement]
And – stop! [He stops the music]
JANE: Eva!
SIDNEY: Right, Eva. What’s Eva got?
JANE: [consulting list] Orange between the knees.
SIDNEY: Orange between the knees, right. If you drop it you get another forfeit automatically.
[JANE gives EVA her orange]
And off we go again.
[Music. From now on the forfeits come quick and fast. JANE reading them out, SIDNEY repeating them. RONALD gets the next [spoon in mouth]. The music continues. GEOFFREY gets the next [tea-cosy on head]. They dance on. MARION gets the next [ironically, swallowing a gin in one]. RONALD opens his mouth to protest at this last forfeit of MARION’s. In doing so he drops his spoon]
[Gleefully] Another one for Ron!
JANE: Another one for Ron …
RONALD: What?
JANE: Pear on spoon in mouth …
SIDNEY: Pear on spoon in mouth … [He gets up on the table and conducts]
RONALD: Now listen I …
[JANE rams the spoon handle back in RONALD’s mouth. She balances a pear on the other end]
SIDNEY: And off we go …!
[The permutations to this game are endless and SIDNEY’s list covers them all. Under his increasingly strident commands, the dancers whirl faster and faster whilst accumulating bizarre appendages. JANE, the acolyte, darts in and out of the dancers with a dedicated frenzy. GEOFFREY throws his tea-cosy to the floor. JANE picks it up and wraps a tea towel round his leg. She then pours another gin for MARION. SIDNEY, at the finish, has abandoned the idea of stopping the music. He screams at the dancers in mounting exhortation bordering on the hysterical]
That’s it. Dance. Come on. Dance. Dance. Come on. Dance. Dance. Dance. Keep dancing. Dance …
It is on this scene that–
the CURTAIN falls
ABSENT FRIENDS
First produced at the Library Theatre, Scarborough, on June 17th 1974 and subsequently at the Garrick Theatre, London, on July 23rd 1975 with the following cast of characters:
The play directed by Eric Thompson
Designed by Derek Cousins
ACT ONE
3 p.m. Saturday.
The open plan living room of a modern executive-style house. Archways leading off to the kitchen and back doors. Another to the front door and bedrooms etc. Primarily furnished with English Swedish style furniture. A lot of wrought iron for gates in lieu of doors and as used for room dividers. Also artistic frosted glass. Doubtful pictures. Possibly a bar. It all cost a great deal of money. Parquet floor with rugs.
At the start, EVELYN, a heavily made-up, reasonably trendily dressed, expressionless girl, is sitting by a pram which she is rocking absently with one hand whilst gazing blankly out of the window. Near her, on the table, underneath suitable coverings, tea is laid out in the form of sandwiches and cakes. Only the teapot and hot water jug are missing. EVELYN chews and sings to herself.
After a moment, DIANA enters. She is older, mid to later thirties. She always gives the impression of being slightly fraught. She smiles occasionally but it’s painful. Her sharp darting eyes don’t miss much after years of suspicions both genuine and unfounded.
DIANA: Have you got him to sleep?
EVELYN: Yes.
DIANA: [looking into the pram] Aaah! They look so lovely like that. Like little cherubims.
EVELYN: [unenthusiastic] Mmm.
DIANA: Just like little cherubims. [Anxious] Should he be covered up as much as that, dear?
EVELYN: Yes.
DIANA: Won’t he get too hot?
EVELYN: He likes it hot.
DIANA: Oh. I was just worried he wasn’t getting enough air.
EVELYN: He’s all right. He doesn’t need much air.
DIANA: Oh, well… [She looks about her] Well, I think we’re all ready for them. John’s on his way, you say?
EVELYN: Yes.
DIANA: How is he these days? I haven’t seen John for ages.
EVELYN: He’s all right.
DIANA: I haven’t seen either of you.
EVELYN: We’re all right.
DIANA: Not for ages. Well, I’m glad you could come this afternoon. Colin really will appreciate that, I’m sure. Seeing us all. [Pause.]
Paul should be home soon. I think he’s playing his squash again.
EVELYN: Oh.
DIANA: Him and his squash. It used to be tennis – now he’s squash mad. Squash, squash, squash. Can’t see what he sees in it. All afternoon hitting a ball against a wall. It’s so noisy. Bang, bang, bang. He’s not even out of doors. No fresh air at all. It can’t be good for him. Does John play squash?
EVELYN: No.
DIANA: Oh.
EVELYN: He doesn’t play anything.
DIANA: Oh, well. He probably doesn’t need it. Exercise. Some men don’t. My father never took a stroke of exercise. Till he died. He seemed fit enough. He managed to do what he wanted to do. Mind you, he never did very much. He just used to sit and shout at we girls. Most of the time. He got calmer though when he got older. After my mother left him. [Looking into the pram] Did you knit that little jacket for him?
EVELYN: No.
DIANA: Pretty. [Pause] No, there are times when I think that’s the principal trouble between Paul and me. I mean, I know now I’m running myself down but Paul basically, he’s got much more go – well, I mean let’s face it, he’s much cleverer than me. Let’s face it. Basically. I mean, I was the bright one in our family but I can’t keep up with Paul sometimes. When he has one of his moods, I think to myself, now if I was really clever, I could probably talk him round or something but I mean the thing is, really and truly, and I know I’m running myself down when I say this, I don’t think I’m really enough for him. He needs me, I can tell that; he doesn’t say as much but I know he does. It’s just, as I say, I don’t think I’m really enough for him. [She reflects] But he couldn’t do without me. Make no mistake about that. He’s got this amazing energy. I don’t know where he finds it. He goes to bed long after me, he’s up at dawn, working down here – then off he goes all day…. I need my eight hours, it’s no good. What I’m saying is really, I wouldn’t blame him. Not altogether. If he did. With someone else. You know, another woman. I wouldn’t blame him, I wouldn’t blame her. Not as long as I was told. Providing I know, that I’m told – all right. Providing I feel able to say to people – “Yes, I am well aware that my husband is having an affair with such and such or whoever… it’s quite all right. I know all about it. We’re both grown-up people, we know what we’re doing, he knows I know, she knows I know. So mind your own business.” I’d feel all right about it. But I will not stand deception. I’m simply asking that I be told. Either by him or if not by her. Not necessarily now but sometime. You see.
[A pause. EVELYN is expressionless]
I know he is, you see. He’s not very clever and he’s a very bad liar like most men. If he takes the trouble, li
ke last Saturday, to tell me he’s just going down the road to the football match, he might at least choose a day when they’re playing at home. [She lifts the tablecloth and inspects the sandwiches] I hope I’ve made enough tomato. No, I must be told. Otherwise it makes my life impossible. I can’t talk to anybody without them…. I expect them, both of them, at least to have some feeling for me. [She blows her nose] Well.
Three Plays Page 10