PAUL: Oh. I thought it was tomorrow’s dinner.
DIANA: Did you have a good game?
PAUL: All right. So so. Not really. Dick didn’t turn up. Had to play with this other fellow. Useless. Finished up giving him eight start and playing left-handed. I still beat him. Then he fell over his racquet and broke his glasses so we called it a day. Trouble with that club is, you couldn’t improve your game even if you wanted to. No competition. Lot of flabby old men.
EVELYN: [without looking up] Hark at Mr. Universe.
PAUL: Watch it. [To DIANE] You seen my black shoes?
DIANA: Which ones?
PAUL: The black ones.
DIANE: They’re upstairs.
PAUL: Well, they weren’t there this morning. How’s Gordon?
MARGE: He’s not too good today, I’m afraid.
PAUL: Not again.
DIANA: What do you mean, not again?
PAUL: He’s always ill. Gordon.
MARGE: Not always.
PAUL: Hasn’t been to work for two years, has he?
MARGE: Course he has.
DIANA: He’s exaggerating.
PAUL: He’s a one man casualty ward. Why don’t you get him insured, Marge? You’d clean up in a couple of days.
MARGE: Get on…
PAUL: Right. I’ll leave you ladies to it, if you don’t mind. Ta ta. Look after yourselves. I’ve things to do upstairs.
DIANA: Don’t be too long, will you, dear?
PAUL: How do you mean?
DIANA: I mean, don’t stay up there for too long.
PAUL: No, I’ve just got a bit of work to do, that’s all.
DIANA: Well, tea will be in a minute. You’ll be down for that.
PAUL: No. You don’t want me down here, I’ll –
DIANA: You must come down for tea. Colin’s coming.
PAUL: Colin who?
DIANA: Colin. You know, Col –
PAUL: Oh, that Colin. Is he?
DIANA: Oh, don’t be stupid. You know he is. I told you.
PAUL: Did you?
DIANA: I arranged it a fortnight ago.
PAUL: You never told me.
DIANA: And I reminded you this morning.
PAUL: You didn’t tell me.
DIANA: This morning, I told you.
PAUL: Excuse me, you did not tell me he was coming this morning. You did not tell me anything this morning. I was out before you were up.
DIANA: Well, then it must have been yesterday morning.
PAUL: That’s more likely. But you still didn’t tell me.
DIANA: I told you very distinctly.
MARGE: Perhaps you just forgot, Paul.
PAUL: No. I’m sorry I didn’t forget. I never forget things. You’re talking to the wrong man. I run a business where it’s more than my life’s worth to forget things. I’ve trained myself not to. I never forget.
MARGE: Well, I’m sorry I…
PAUL: Yes, all right. Just don’t give me that “maybe you forgot bit” because with me it doesn’t cut any ice at all…
DIANA: Look, Paul, will you stop taking it out on Marge for some reason…
PAUL: I’m not taking it out on anybody. Look, I’ve got a lot of work to do upstairs…
DIANA: Now, Paul, you can’t do that. Colin is coming. He is your friend. You can’t just go upstairs…
PAUL: Excuse me, he is not a friend of mine. He was never a friend of mine…
DIANA: How can you say that?
PAUL: I just happened to know him, that’s all. You’ll just have to say to him when he comes that you’re sorry, I had no idea he was coming, nobody told me and that I had a lot of work to do upstairs.
DIANA: You cannot do that…
PAUL: I’m sorry…
DIANA: You’ve got no work to do.
PAUL: That’s it. No more. I’m not going on with it. I’m going upstairs. I don’t want to hear any more about it. I have a lot of work to do. Excuse me please.
[PAUL goes out. A silence]
DIANA: I told him Colin was coming. I told him over breakfast. While he was eating his cereal. I told him. He always does this. Every time I – [Tearful] I spent ages getting this ready.
MARGE: It’s all right, Di…
DIANA: It’s not all right. He’s always doing this. He does it all the time. I told him. Specially… [She hurries out into the kitchen]
MARGE: Oh dear.
[EVELYN gives an amused grunt, ostensibly at her magazine]
[MARGE looks at her]
Evelyn, could I have a word with you?
EVELYN: What?
MARGE: I want you to answer me something perfectly honestly. I want you to be absolutely straight with me. Will you do that, please?
EVELYN: What?
MARGE: It’s been brought to my notice that you and Paul… have… well…
EVELYN: What?
MARGE: I think you know what I’m talking about.
EVELYN: No.
MARGE: That you and her husband have been… is this true? Yes or no?
EVELYN: Is what true?
MARGE: Will you put that magazine down a moment, please.
EVELYN: [laying the magazine aside wearily] Well?
MARGE: Is it true or isn’t it? Yes or no?
EVELYN: What?
MARGE: Have you been… having… a love affair with Paul?
EVELYN: No.
MARGE: Truthfully?
EVELYN: I said no.
MARGE: Oh. Well. That’s all right then.
[Pause]
EVELYN: We did it in the back of his car the other afternoon but I wouldn’t call that a love affair.
MARGE: You and Paul did?
EVELYN: Yes.
MARGE: How disgusting.
EVELYN: It wasn’t very nice.
MARGE: And you have the nerve to come and sit in her house…
EVELYN: She asked me. [Pause] She needn’t worry. I’m not likely to do it again. He’d just been playing squash, he was horrible.
MARGE: Diana knows about this, you know.
EVELYN: Then he must have told her. I didn’t.
MARGE: She’s not a fool. She put two and two together. He didn’t want you to come here at all this afternoon. That’s a sure sign of a guilty conscience.
EVELYN: Most probably because he doesn’t like me very much.
MARGE: He liked you enough to…
EVELYN: Not after what I said to him.
MARGE: What did you say?
EVELYN: I said thank you very much. That was as exciting as being made love to by a sack of clammy cement and would he kindly drive me home.
MARGE: That wasn’t a very nice thing to say.
EVELYN: He’s horrible.
MARGE: What a thing to say.
EVELYN: Horrible. Worse than my husband and that’s saying a lot.
MARGE: Poor John. God help him being married to you.
EVELYN: Why?
MARGE: Well. Really.
EVELYN: They all think they’re experts with women. None of them are usually. And by the time they are, most of them aren’t up to it any more.
MARGE: You speak for yourself.
EVELYN: I am. I’ve tried enough of them to know. [She reads]
MARGE: Your husband will catch up with you one of these days.
EVELYN: He knows.
MARGE: He knows!
EVELYN: Nothing he can do.
MARGE: Does he know about you and Paul?
EVELYN: Probably. He’s not going to complain.
MARGE: Why not?
EVELYN: Well – he relies on Paul for business, doesn’t he? Without Paul, he’s in trouble. Business before pleasure, that’s John’s motto.
MARGE: Sounds as if it’s yours as well.
EVELYN: There’s not much pleasure to be had round this place, is there?
MARGE: I’m sorry, I find your attitude quite disgusting. Heartless, cruel and disgusting.
[EVELYN ignores her and continues her reading]
[at the pram] Poo
r little child. If only he knew. Poor little Walter. Googy, googy… You’re just a heartless little tart… googy, googy.
EVELYN: If you’re interested, those shoes of yours are a lousy buy.
MARGE: And what would you know about my shoes?
EVELYN: I bought a pair. They split at the sides after two days and the dye comes off on your feet.
MARGE: I’ve nothing further to say to you.
EVELYN: Anyway, they’re out of fashion.
MARGE: I don’t wish to listen to you any further.
[Doorbell. They both wait]
One of us had better answer that, hadn’t we?
EVELYN: Yes.
[Doorbell]
MARGE: I suppose it had better be me.
[DIANA enters]
DIANA: That was the doorbell, wasn’t it?
MARGE: Oh, was it? Yes, we thought we heard it.
DIANA: What if it’s Colin? I don’t know what I’m going to say if it is…
[DIANA goes out]
MARGE: You see what you’ve done.
EVELYN: Beg your pardon?
MARGE: To them. To Paul and her. See the atmosphere between them. All your doing.
EVELYN: Me?
MARGE: Who else?
EVELYN: You really want to know who else?
MARGE: I hope you realise that.
EVELYN: If you really want to know who else, you’d better pass me the phone book. He’s halfway through the Yellow Pages by now. If it moves, he’s on to it.
[JOHN enters. A jiggling, restless figure]
JOHN: Hallo, hallo.
MARGE: Hallo, John.
EVELYN: You took your time.
JOHN: It’s only twenty past.
EVELYN: You took your time.
JOHN: [amiably] Yes. [He jigs about]
MARGE: Where’s Di gone to?
JOHN: Dunno. Upstairs, I think. [Sticking his head into the pram] Hallo, son. Say hallo to Daddy.
EVELYN: Don’t.
JOHN: Eh?
EVELYN: He’s asleep.
JOHN: He shouldn’t be. He won’t sleep tonight now.
EVELYN: He never does anyway.
JOHN: Keep him awake during the day, that’s the secret. Shake his rattle in his ear every ten minutes.
EVELYN: Fantastic.
JOHN: Where’s Paul?
MARGE: Upstairs.
JOHN: Oh. Both gone to bed, have they? [He laughs]
[MARGE glares at EVELYN]
No Colin yet?
MARGE: Not yet.
JOHN: Well, I hope he hurries it up. Then we can get it over with.
EVELYN: I thought he was supposed to be a friend of yours.
JOHN: He was, yes.
EVELYN: Sounds like it.
JOHN: I haven’t seen him for years. Anyway – I don’t know what to say to him. I didn’t know this girl of his. I mean, it’s difficult.
MARGE: I don’t think hell want to talk about Carol.
JOHN: No?
MARGE: I shouldn’t think so. He’ll want to forget.
JOHN: I hope so. I hate death. Gives me the creeps.
EVELYN: Get on.
JOHN: It does.
EVELYN: You?
JOHN: I get all… uggghhh. [He shudders] Don’t talk about it.
EVELYN: [laughs] Death, death, death.
JOHN: Shut up.
[EVELYN laughs]
[Silence. MARGE takes out her knitting]
MARGE: I hope they come down before he arrives.
JOHN: Disgraceful. On a Saturday afternoon. Whatever next.
[Pause. He jigs about some more] I got that fuel gauge.
EVELYN: Oh.
JOHN: 90p off it. [He laughs] It had a loose wire. I told the girl it was faulty. She didn’t know any better. 90p. [Pause] Got a wing mirror for 30p. Had a screw missing off it. Got one of those round the corner and he let me have some interior carpet for nothing. He was throwing it away. Not a bad day’s work, eh?
EVELYN: Great.
JOHN: You’re the one who wanted carpet in the car.
EVELYN: Fine.
JOHN: Can’t do anything right, can I?
EVELYN: I just know you. It won’t fit when you get it in.
JOHN: It’ll fit.
EVELYN: No, it won’t because you got it cheap.
JOHN: It’ll fit.
EVELYN: Nothing you ever get for us is quite right. I’ve got a vacuum cleaner with elastic bands holding on the attachments because you got them cheap off another model.
JOHN: Oh, come on.
EVELYN: I’ve got an electric mixer I can’t use because it flings the food halfway up the bloody wall.
JOHN: It’s only because it’s got the wrong bowl that’s all. Only the bowl’s wrong.
EVELYN: Then why haven’t we got the right bowl?
JOHN: I’m trying to get hold of one. They’re scarce.
EVELYN: But it never did have the right bowl.
JOHN: I know it didn’t. How do you think I got it cheap in the first place?
EVELYN: Oh, I give up. [She reads]
JOHN: You’re just a trouble maker you are. [He playfully shadow boxes near her face] Bam, bam…
EVELYN: Go away.
[JOHN shadow boxes round the room]
[DIANA returns]
JOHN: Here she is. Had a good time up there?
MARGE: Is Paid coming down?
DIANA: I have no idea. I have no idea at all. I have done my best. I have now given up. Most probably it will be left to us. In which case, we’ll have to cope with Colin on our own, won’t we?
JOHN: Without Paul?
DIANA: Apparently he’s far too busy to see his so-called best friend.
JOHN: If Paul’s not going to be here, it’s going to be a bit…
DIANA: Quite. What’s that you’re knitting, Marge?
MARGE: Oh, just a sweater for Gordon.
DIANA: Lovely colour.
MARGE: Yes, I rather like it. I’m hoping he’ll wear it to protect his chest. Once he goes out in that wind…
JOHN: How is old Gordon? Is he coming?
MARGE: I’m afraid he’s not very well at the moment.
JOHN: Oh, dear. He’s had this a long time, hasn’t he?
MARGE: Had what?
JOHN: This – er food poisoning, wasn’t it?
MARGE: That was weeks ago. This is something quite different.
JOHN: Oh. [He jigs about]
DIANA: Would you like to take a seat, John?
JOHN: No, it’s all right, thanks. I don’t like sitting down very much.
EVELYN: Sit down, for heaven’s sake.
JOHN: I don’t like sitting down. I don’t enjoy it.
EVELYN: He’ll never sit down. I don’t think I’ve ever seen him sit down. He has his meals dancing around the table.
JOHN: I prefer standing up, that’s all.
[Pause. He jiggles]
DIANA: [tense and shrill] John, will you please sit down before you drive me mad.
JOHN: [sitting] Sorry. Sorry…
DIANA: I’m sorry.
JOHN: No, it’s me, I’m sorry.
DIANA: I’m sorry, John.
JOHN: No need to be sorry. That’s all right.
EVELYN: You’ll never get him to sit still, I’ll tell you that. [They sit. EVELYN sings, chews and reads. JOHN tries not to fidget. DIANA sit, staring ahead of her, steeped in worry. MARGE studies her pattern]
MARGE: [at length] I think I’ve gone wrong with this. I’ve got twelve too many stitches. How the dickens did I get twelve too many stitches.
Three Plays Page 12