TREVOR: I came up to see if you were all right.
SUSANNAH: You came up because Kate told you to come up. You’d never have come near me all evening if you could possibly have avoided it.
TREVOR: Look, don’t get worked up. What are you getting worked up about?
SUSANNAH: Because I’ve every reason to be worked up.
TREVOR: Quieten down.
[Pause]
SUSANNAH: You’re a fine one to talk.
TREVOR: What?
SUSANNAH: If people had seen you earlier this evening…
TREVOR: Well –
SUSANNAH: Driving here and leaving me to walk.
TREVOR: I didn’t think you were coming.
SUSANNAH: You knew I was coming.
TREVOR: I thought you wanted to stay behind.
SUSANNAH: You knew perfectly well I was coming.
TREVOR: Then why did you lock yourself in the bedroom?
SUSANNAH: Because I didn’t want you in there.
TREVOR: What? In case I saw you changing? Good gracious. Husband sees his wife changing. I don’t know what it is you’re hiding but I bet it’s fantastic.
SUSANNAH: You really are coarse, aren’t you? Coarse and violent.
TREVOR: You’re the one who makes me violent. I was a pacifist before I met you.
SUSANNAH: I wish I’d listened to that man.
TREVOR: What man?
SUSANNAH: That man we consulted just before we were married. The one who did the palm readings.
TREVOR: What, him?
SUSANNAH: He told me you were potentially a violent person. He was absolutely right. You’ve broken all my things. All my things I brought from home. All my china animals.
TREVOR: I told you, I’m sorry. I’ll buy you some more.
SUSANNAH: I don’t want some more. I wanted those.
TREVOR: I didn’t mean to break them.
SUSANNAH: Then why did you throw a chair at them if you didn’t mean to break them?
TREVOR: I don’t know. I just felt like throwing a chair, that’s all. No law against throwing chairs is there? It was my chair.
SUSANNAH: Potentially violent. That’s what he said. That man.
TREVOR: He was an idiot.
SUSANNAH: No, he wasn’t. My mother always went to him.
TREVOR: He told me I had a natural mechanical aptitude. I can’t even put the plug on the Hoover. [lying on the bed] Well anyway, the one good thing about this party…
SUSANNAH: What?
TREVOR: At least we’re both lying on the same bed.
SUSANNAH: [lunging at him with a fist] You rotten…
TREVOR: Ah, now who’s violent.
SUSANNAH: [hailing blows upon him] You destroy everything, don’t you? Everything. Everything.
TREVOR: [laughing as he covers up from her blows] What are you doing now?
SUSANNAH: [furious] Oh, I could so easily – oh – oh – oh.
TREVOR: Ow! Now, stop it. Stop it.
[Eventually he pushes her off and she slips on to the floor]
SUSANNAH: Ow. You great bully.
TREVOR: Now, stop it. Before you’re sorry.
SUSANNAH: [getting up] I’m not sorry. I am not sorry.
[She snatches up the table lamp]
TREVOR: Now, put that down. Put it down. It’s not yours.
SUSANNAH: Get away, get away, get away.
[TREVOR approaches her]
[She lunges at him with the lamp]
[He grabs her wrist. He loses his balance. They both land on the bed, locked in mortal combat. Fighting for serious now, they roll on to the floor clawing and tugging at hair]
[MALCOLM enters]
MALCOLM: Right. Who’s for Cornish pasties… [seeing them] Oh no. Now, break it up. Break it up. That table lamp won’t take that sort of treatment, [putting the Cornish pasties on the floor] Now, come on. Trevor! Susannah! Come on, break it up. [he attempts to pull them apart]
[KATE appears in the doorway]
KATE: The plaster’s coming down. What’s happening?
MALCOLM: Come on, give us a hand. Give us a hand here. You pull her. I’ll pull him. Pull, woman, pull.
KATE: I am pulling.
[TREVOR and SUSANNAH are separated]
[They stand panting, staring at each other]
[KATE holding SUSANNAH. MALCOLM holding TREVOR]
MALCOLM: Now, calm down. Do you hear? Calm down, both of you. Calm down. That’s it.
[KATE releases SUSANNAH]
Now, both of you, take a deep breath.
[With renewed energy, SUSANNAH suddenly clouts TREVOR with the table lamp]
KATE: Stop it, stop it. Susannah…
MALCOLM: Stop that at once.
TREVOR: Ow.
[SUSANNAH rushes out]
TREVOR: Right – all right. [wrenching free from MALCOLM] Right.
[TREVOR chases out after SUSANNAH]
[There are sounds of crashes downstairs]
KATE: Malcolm, do something, please.
MALCOLM: Right. I am now personally going to drop him straight off our roof on to his head.
[MALCOLM goes out]
KATE: [anxiously following him to the doorway and watching] Oh now, Malcolm, don’t you start. You must be the one to keep calm, Malcolm. Don’t you start. [picking up the Cornish pasties] Malcolm… Malcolm… [she hops up and down in agitation]
[MALCOLM returns half carrying TREVOR]
MALCOLM: [hurling him into the room] Right, you get your coat. Do you hear? Get your coat. Then you’re out. Straight out, mate. Come along, Kate.
[MALCOLM goes out]
KATE: Right. [slipping a Cornish pasty on to the corner of the bed] I’ll leave you one of these.
[KATE goes out]
[TREVOR sits on the bed recovering his breath. He feels his head]
TREVOR: Oooh.
[JAN comes in]
[She glances at him briefly]
[She looks for her coat, picking the others off the floor]
JAN: I hope you’re thoroughly ashamed of yourself. Both of you. [pause] God, to think I nearly married you. What an escape.
TREVOR: [muttering] She started that one. She started that one.
JAN: I hoped that after I left you, you might have learnt to grow up. It appears that you’re more retarded than ever. I mean, I realised that as long as I was there to look after you, make all your decisions you could never make, you hadn’t a chance.
TREVOR: God, my head.
JAN: When are you going to grow up, Trevor?
[MALCOLM enters]
MALCOLM: Excuse me, please. [snatching up coats] Gordon’s coat. Marge’s coat. Mike and Dave’s coats. Gwen’s coat. [to TREVOR] I told you, out.
[He goes]
JAN: Well?
TREVOR: Just because I have an unfortunate marriage, I’m not necessarily an idiot. I try. I try all the time.
JAN: Like you did with me.
TREVOR: I particularly tried with you. I was always working flat out to make a go of it.
JAN: I don’t think you noticed half the time if I was there or not.
TREVOR: I did.
JAN: Which is why I left. That didn’t seem to bother you either.
TREVOR: What do you mean? I was annihilated. What are you talking about? I needed you.
JAN: Yes. I realised that from the way you came running after me.
TREVOR: I thought you’d be back.
JAN: No, thank you.
TREVOR: Never mind, eh. You’re all right.
JAN: Perfectly.
TREVOR: Safe and secure with Nick.
JAN: That’s right.
TREVOR: Some of us aren’t so lucky.
[MALCOLM enters]
MALCOLM: Excuse me. John’s coat. Ken’s coat. Margaret’s coat. Dorothy’s coat. [to TREVOR] This is your last warning, [he goes out]
JAN: You see? You can’t go anywhere.
TREVOR: I’m a destroyer.
JAN: True.
TR
EVOR: Susannah said that. I destroy everything. She’s right. I even destroyed you.
JAN: No, you didn’t.
TREVOR: Destroyed you. So you go out and in desperation you marry the first man you happen to meet.
JAN: That’s not very fair to Nick.
TREVOR: No, well…
JAN: I happen to love Nick.
TREVOR: Like you loved me.
JAN: No, not like I loved you. Like I love Nick. Quite different. Thank goodness. I can just about cope with Nick. I don’t think I could ever have coped with you.
[MALCOLM enters]
MALCOLM: Bob’s coat. Terry’s coat… Anna’s coat. Graham’s coat. [turning to TREVOR, livid] You’ve ruined this party. You realise that, don’t you?
TREVOR: Have I?
MALCOLM: You and that wife of yours. You’ve ruined fifty people’s evening down there.
TREVOR: Well, I’m sorry.
MALCOLM: What’s the point in being sorry now, mate.
JAN: Malcolm, don’t.
MALCOLM: Him and his batty bloody wife. Sitting there in the middle of the front room crying her eyes out she is. If I had my way, I’d have you both locked up for good… They’ve all gone home, every one of them…
JAN: Malcolm.
MALCOLM: I’m sorry, Jan. Every one of them. I hope you’re satisfied.
[MALCOLM slams out]
TREVOR: I might have improved if you’d stayed with me. I mean, with you, Jan, I… You see, Susannah I can’t get near. She’s incapable of giving. She won’t give.
JAN: Perhaps you don’t deserve anything.
TREVOR: Oh, what does that mean?
JAN: It means that before anyone’s prepared to give anything, they want to make sure that the person they’re giving it to is not going to hurl it back at your head the first time he chooses to lose his temper. You’ll have to learn to treat people properly. There you are. End of lecture. Now I’m going home.
TREVOR: I treated you properly.
JAN: No, you didn’t.
TREVOR: Not ever?
JAN: No.
TREVOR: Never at all?
JAN: Not really.
TREVOR: No?
JAN: No.
[He kisses her]
[She responds]
[KATE enters]
KATE: Oh. It’s all right, Susannah, I’ll bring it down. I’ll bring it down to you.
[SUSANNAH enters]
SUSANNAH: That’s all right.
[A swift glance at TREVOR and JAN, she picks up her coat and puts it on]
TREVOR: – er –
JAN: Susannah…
[SUSANNAH goes out]
JAN: Oh God.
KATE: Oh dear.
JAN: Look, can you go after her, Trevor, quickly… No, silly question. Oh well, I’ve really done it now. Sorry, Kate. I’ll have to leave you with it. I’d better get back to Nick.
KATE: Right.
JAN: Goodnight all.
KATE: ‘night. Malcolm’s down there seeing them off.
JAN: OK.
[She goes]
KATE: Oh dear. [she looks at TREVOR] Oh dear, [she goes to the window] Oh dear, oh dear. Susannah’s driving. I hope she gets home all right.
TREVOR: I don’t know where I’m going to go.
KATE: How do you mean?
TREVOR: I can’t go home.
KATE: Can’t you?
TREVOR: How can I go home….?
[A pause]
KATE: We’ve got the little bedroom in the back. It isn’t furnished or anything but we’ve got a camp bed.
TREVOR: You’re a real friend, Kath.
KATE: Kate, yes.
TREVOR: Sorry about your party.
KATE: Oh well – get to bed early, won’t we? I’ll go and make the bed up for you. Look at this. Malcolm’s surprise for me. In there. Malcolm’s surprise.
TREVOR: Oh.
KATE: I don’t know what it is.
[MALCOLM enters]
MALCOLM: Right, that’s it. End of party. All gone. [seeing TREVOR] Oh. You’re still here, are you? All right. Now I warned you…
KATE: Malcolm…
MALCOLM: This your coat?
KATE: Malcolm…
MALCOLM: Eh?
KATE: I’ve said he could stay.
MALCOLM: Stay?
KATE: Just for the night.
MALCOLM: Who? Trevor? You’re joking. Home.
KATE: He’s got nowhere to go, Malcolm. He’ll have to stay.
MALCOLM: He’s got a home hasn’t he? Let him go to it.
KATE: He can’t.
MALCOLM: All I know is he’s not staying here…
KATE: I’m sorry, Malcolm, he’ll have to stay.
MALCOLM: Not under my roof. Not after his behaviour tonight.
KATE: I’m sorry but he is.
MALCOLM: I’m sorry but he isn’t.
KATE: Look, there’s no point in arguing.
MALCOLM: No. Quite. Out…
KATE: No, I’m sorry.
MALCOLM: Yes, I’m sorry too. I’m very sorry. He is not staying in this house and that is final.
KATE: Oh yes he is and that is also final.
[Pause]
MALCOLM: All right. All right.
KATE: Where are you going?
MALCOLM: I’ll tell you this much. If he is staying then I am definitely not staying.
KATE: Now, Malcolm.
MALCOLM: And that, my love, is that. I am not staying if he is staying so take your choice.
[MALCOLM goes]
KATE: Oh.
[A door slams]
Oh.
TREVOR: Sorry.
KATE: Oh.
TREVOR: Where’s he gone?
KATE: [snapping] I don’t know where he’s gone, you damn fool.
TREVOR: Oh. Well.
KATE: He’ll be back. I’ll make up your bed.
TREVOR: Thanks. Er – Kath.
KATE: [shouting] Kate. My name is Kate.
TREVOR: Oh. Yes. Sorry.
KATE: Now. Sheets.
TREVOR: Look. I must get things cleared up before I go to bed.
KATE: How do you mean?
TREVOR: Well, with Jan and Nick, you see.
KATE: Jan and Nick?
TREVOR: Well, it was my fault and – word’s bound to get back to Nick – and – he’ll feel badly – and he might take it out on Jan – I wouldn’t want that.
KATE: Who’s going to tell Nick?
TREVOR: Well, Susannah for one.
KATE: Oh. Might she?
TREVOR: She might.
KATE: Oh. Are you going round tonight?
TREVOR: I’d better.
KATE: You could phone.
TREVOR: Oh no. Face to face stuff this. Has to be.
KATE: Don’t forget your coat. [she helps him into it]
TREVOR: Don’t wait up. I’ll let myself in.
KATE: Oh yes, you’d better have a key – oh no, we haven’t had another one cut yet. There’s only Malcolm’s.
TREVOR: Oh. Well, I won’t be long.
KATE: It’s all right, I’ll wait up.
TREVOR: You’re really great, Kate. Thanks.
KATE: That’s all right. That coat’s very big on you, isn’t it?
TREVOR: I don’t think it’s mine.
KATE: Oh. Well, it’s the only one left. You’d better take that one.
TREVOR: Yes. Right. See you later.
[he goes]
KATE: Bye. [she sits on the bed looking worried]
[Cross fade to ERNEST and DELIA’s]
[DELIA, in her dressing gown, sits in front of her mirror and starts to remove her make-up]
[ERNEST enters with two plates]
ERNEST: Grub up.
DELIA: Just a minute.
Three Plays Page 20