Three Plays
Page 21
ERNEST: It’ll get cold.
DELIA: I’ve just got to take this off.
ERNEST: You can do that afterwards.
DELIA: I’m not getting into bed with my make-up on, darling. It may look beautiful in the films but they don’t have to worry about laundry bills.
ERNEST: Oh well. Spot of bad news, anyway.
DELIA: Bad news?
ERNEST: Sardines were not in evidence. I had to settle for pilchards.
DELIA: Pilchards? Oh…
ERNEST: Don’t you like pilchards?
DELIA: Well, not as much.
ERNEST: Similar. Both fish, anyway.
DELIA: Yes.
ERNEST: You had them in stock. I assumed you liked them.
DELIA: I don’t necessarily like everything I buy. Those were just stores. For an emergency.
ERNEST: Ah, the old siege stores, eh?
DELIA: I bought a little of everything. I think there’s even some tinned red cabbage and I certainly don’t intend to eat that.
ERNEST: Oh well, I’ll wolf the lot then, shall I?
DELIA: No, no, leave me a little.
ERNEST: Right. [he slides into bed] Aaah. Didn’t put the blanket on, did we?
DELIA: Nor we did.
ERNEST: Ah. Woof. Down you go. [he shoves his feet into the bed] Ah, this is nice. What better way to end a day? Listening to the rain gushing through our roof…
DELIA: It’s not raining surely?
ERNEST: Metaphorical. These aren’t bad at all. You know, I think I could become a pilchard man in time.
DELIA: I’ll phone Susannah tomorrow to see how they’re getting on.
ERNEST: Good idea. I think we’re in imminent need of a hot water bottle here, you know.
DELIA: Oh yes.
ERNEST: Bearing in mind the normal running temperature of your feet.
DELIA: Not my fault. Most woman have cold feet. It’s circulation.
ERNEST: I wouldn’t know about that. I haven’t sampled that many.
DELIA: The girls at school did. Well, not the younger ones. Younger girls have very hot feet. Like little boys. But when we got to the sixth form, we all found we had cold feet. I think it’s something to do with – maturing.
ERNEST: Very curious. Chaps I shared a hut with in the army all had overwhelmingly hot feet…
DELIA: I can imagine.
ERNEST: Yes, I pronounce these pilchards a success.
DELIA: Jolly good. Right, here I come.
ERNEST: Stand by for cold feet.
DELIA: Darling, you’re getting fish on the sheet.
ERNEST: Oh, sorry.
DELIA: Now we’re going to reek of fish all night. I don’t think this was a terribly bright idea of someone’s.
ERNEST: Oh well. You only live once. What the hell.
DELIA: Well, it’s on your side. You have to put up with it.
[She eats]
Oh yes, they’re quite pleasant, aren’t they? Not up to sardines but not bad.
ERNEST: They got my vote.
DELIA: At least we’re in for a reasonably early night.
ERNEST: Yes.
DELIA: Sunday tomorrow, we can lie in.
ERNEST: Go for a walk later on if you like.
DELIA: That’d be nice.
ERNEST: If unwet.
DELIA: Rather.
ERNEST: Otherwise we’ll both be crouching in the rafters with buckets.
DELIA: God forbid.
[Cross fade to NICK and JAN’s. NICK is still lying on the floor. JAN arrives back]
JAN: Nick. Nick…
NICK: Aaaah.
JAN: [seeing him] Darling, what are you doing?
NICK: What do you think I’m doing? I’ve been lying here for hours.
JAN: Oh, darling. How did you get there?
NICK: I dropped my book.
JAN: [trying to find a way to get him up] Well, let me – how do I get you… shall I…?
NICK: No, no. Don’t do that. Let me climb up you.
JAN: Right.
NICK: Can you take the weight?
JAN: Hang on. Right.
NICK: Hup – right – hold steady. Steady…
JAN: I’m trying. I’m trying.
NICK: Keep still.
JAN: You are very heavy.
NICK: Right. Nearly there.
JAN: Oh –
NICK: What?
JAN: You’re on my foot.
NICK: All right.
JAN: Please get off my foot.
NICK: I will. Wait a minute.
JAN: Oh dear God, my foot.
NICK: Right. Hold on, hold on.
[JAN loses her balance]
[They both crash on to the bed]
[NICK falling across JAN who is trapped underneath him] Aaaaah. Aaaaah. Aaaaah.
JAN: Aaaah.
NICK: Aaaah.
JAN: Oh, that was agony.
NICK: Aaaah.
JAN: Can you get off me, darling?
NICK: I cannot move at all. Ever again.
JAN: Well, try to move. I’m trapped.
NICK: I’m sorry. If I could move I would but I’m physically incapable of moving.
JAN: Can you get off my ribs? You’re so heavy.
NICK: I am not heavy. I am the correct weight for a man of my height.
JAN: Well, that is still bloody heavy, [easing herself slowly underneath him] Hang on, I’ll try and… oouf. [she rests]
NICK: Did you have a nice evening?
JAN: No.
NICK: Didn’t think you would. Serve you right for going.
JAN: Thank you. Here we go again, [she renews her efforts to slide from under him] Huh. Huh. – hoo – hup.… oh dear God. This is going to take all night. Can’t you even roll over?
NICK: Ha ha –
JAN: Well, can you be a gentleman and take your weight on your elbows?
NICK: No. That puts a direct strain on all the muscles all the way…
JAN: All right. Sorry. Oh dear, [she laughs] We’re going to be like this for ever. People will find us in years to come. They’ll all jump to the wrong conclusions, failing to realise what a rare occurrence this is. Us together on the bed.
NICK: There’s no need to get unpleasant.
JAN: Sorry.
NICK: I’ve been working very hard lately.
JAN: Yes, all right, I’m sorry.
NICK: And now thanks to my back, we may have to get someone in for you. Try again.
JAN: Humphh – oh – I’m so weak.
NICK: You’re telling me.
JAN: Nick.
NICK: Mmm?
JAN: While I’ve got your attention…
NICK: Mm?
JAN: I want to tell you something.
NICK: I can hardly avoid listening.
JAN: Good. I’m telling you because I want to tell you (a) and (b) I’ve a feeling if I don’t a certain person will be phoning you up very shortly to tell you herself.
NICK: Who?
JAN: Susannah.
NICK: Susannah?
JAN: Well, very simply – or not very simply – I had a long talk to Trevor.
NICK: Ah-ha…
JAN: Which culminated in Trevor kissing me.
NICK: I see.
JAN: And to be perfectly honest, with me kissing Trevor.
NICK: Just kissing him?
JAN: Yes. Nothing else.
NICK: Oh, well. Hope you enjoyed it.
JAN: Yes I did, thank you.
NICK: Good. I hope you don’t want me to start jumping about with rage.
JAN: No. Not at all. Not at all. [she slides out from under him] Right. Now let’s get you into bed. [without a lot of ceremony] Come on.
NICK: Careful, careful.
JAN: Come on, it doesn’t hurt.
NICK: Don’t start taking it out on me just because…
JAN: I’m not taking it out on anyone.
NICK: As you say, you only kissed him. If you want me to knock you about, you’ll have to wait until
I’m better.
JAN: I don’t want anything, thank you.
NICK: You only kissed him.
JAN: Yes, quite. I went to bed with all the other men at the party but I only kissed Trevor.
NICK: Oh well, that’s all right. I had three or four women in while you were out actually. That explains the back.
JAN: [unamused] There you are.
NICK: Thank you. Can I have my book, please?
JAN: [slamming it down] There you are.
NICK: Thank you.
JAN: Happy?
NICK: Thank you.
JAN: [pounding the bed rail injury and frustration] Aaarrrggh!
NICK: Did you say something?
JAN: I’m going to wash my hair.
NICK: Wash your hair?
JAN: Yes.
NICK: It’s half past twelve.
JAN: So what.
NICK: [mildly amused as she goes out] Dear, dear, dear…
[Cross fade to MALCOLM and KATE’s]
[KATE wanders in. She sits unhappily]
[MALCOLM returns]
MALCOLM: Hallo.
KATE: Oh Malcolm.
MALCOLM: Got a bit churned up.
KATE: Yes, I know. I understand, [pause] They left mountains of food.
MALCOLM: Never mind, [pause] I was sitting in the car, that’s all.
KATE: I’m glad you’ve come in.
MALCOLM: Oh yes. Well. As soon as I saw you’d turfed Trevor out, I came back.
KATE: Oh. Well…
MALCOLM: What?
KATE: He’s coming back.
MALCOLM: Coming back? Here?
KATE: Yes, he’s just gone round to see Jan and Nick.
MALCOLM: Jan and Nick?
KATE: Yes.
MALCOLM: Hasn’t he done enough damage?
KATE: Well, he wanted to sort things out.
MALCOLM: And you told him he could come back here?
KATE: Yes.
MALCOLM: Well, how’s he going to get in?
KATE: I said I’d wait up.
MALCOLM: You are soft in the head, you know that, don’t you?
KATE: Probably.
MALCOLM: We’re not going to get much sleep round here tonight then. Are we?
KATE: I don’t know.
MALCOLM: [rolling up his sleeves] In that case…
KATE: What are you doing?
MALCOLM: [hauling out cardboard boxes] I’ll make a start on this. If you don’t come to bed I can’t sleep, so I might as well do something useful.
KATE: What is that?
MALCOLM: Surprise. You’ll see. I’ll just fetch the tool kit. Only take me fifteen minutes. I’ll put it together for you.
KATE: Oh lovely…
[Cross fade to ERNEST and DELIA’s]
DELIA: I feel as if I’m sleeping on board a herring trawler. This whole room reeks of fish.
ERNEST: We’ll get used to it.
DELIA: I doubt it.
ERNEST: Want the light out?
DELIA: In a minute.
ERNEST: Shall I read to you for a bit?
DELIA: If you like. I’ll go to sleep as soon as you start. You have been warned.
ERNEST: Oh well.
DELIA: You have a very soporific reading manner.
ERNEST: Probably. I’ll read you a bit of this, shall I?
DELIA: What is it?
ERNEST: Tom Brown’s Schooldays.
DELIA: I thought you’d read that.
ERNEST: Oh yes, rather. Always worth a re-read. Marvellous stuff. Now then. “Tom was detained in school a few minutes after the rest, and on coming out into the quadrangle, the first thing he saw was a small ring of boys, applauding Williams, who was holding Arthur by the collar. ‘There, you young sneak,’ said he, giving Arthur a cuff on the head with his other hand; ‘what made you say that –’ ‘Hallo!’ said Tom, shouldering into the crowd…”
DELIA: I can’t follow a word of this.
ERNEST: Perfectly clear.
DELIA: Not to me. Who are all these people?
ERNEST: Well, we do have the disadvantage of starting on page 256. But I’m damned if I’m going all the way back to the beginning just so you can go to sleep. Shall I carry on?
DELIA: If you want to.
ERNEST: I’m asking you. I don’t mind.
DELIA: Oh yes, carry on for goodness sake. Only not too loud.
ERNEST: “‘Hallo!’ said Tom, shouldering into the crowd; ‘you drop that, Williams; you shan’t touch him.’ ‘Who’ll stop me?’ said the Slogger, raising his hand again…”
[The doorbell rings]
Good heavens.
DELIA: Was that the doorbell?
ERNEST: Sounded like it.
DELIA: It’s twenty to one. Have a look and see who it is.
ERNEST: Yes, all right.
DELIA: Look out of the window.
ERNEST: Right.
[He starts to get out of bed]
[Cross fade to include NICK and JAN’s]
[As JAN comes back into the room, her hair in a towel, the doorbell rings]
JAN: What was that?
NICK: Front door.
JAN: Funny.
NICK: Have a look.
JAN: [going to window] Right.
ERNEST: Looks suspiciously like Susannah.
DELIA: Oh lord…
JAN: [in a low voice] I think it’s Trevor.
NICK: Oh no. Why me? Why me?
[As ERNEST and JAN go out their respective exits to open their front doors, a sight of MALCOLM starting to unpack his assemble-it-yourself bedroom surprise. A great clattering and clanking of tools]
[KATE sits on the bed watching]
CURTAIN
ACT TWO
Lights up on all three areas.
MALCOLM and KATE’s room is now strewn with tools from MALCOLM’s tool box and littered with wrapping paper removed from the easy-to-assemble-it-yourself dressing table which is scattered about in various pieces.
MALCOLM has unfurled the plan and is crouching on the floor studying it.
KATE sits on the bed watching.
NICK is in bed as usual.
DELIA is in bed.
KATE: It’s going to be lovely when it’s all put together.
MALCOLM: As soon as I’ve made head or tail of this plan. [He studies it]
[ERNEST returns to DELIA]
ERNEST: She’s – er–just gone in the bathroom downstairs.
DELIA: I suppose I’ll have to come down.
ERNEST: There’s no need to go downstairs – it’s a bit parky. I told her to come up here when she’s ready. Then you can talk.
DELIA: Does she want to talk to me?
ERNEST: Presumably. I can’t think of anyone else she’d want to talk to.
DELIA: No.
ERNEST: She seems in a rather – distraught state. Could be a long session. Shall I make us some cocoa?
DELIA: Yes. I’d better try and make myself reasonably presentable.
[DELIA goes to the bathroom]
[ERNEST goes back downstairs]
[Lights down on them]
[TREVOR enters with JAN, still with a towel round her head]
JAN: It’s Trevor, darling.
NICK: [without much geniality] Good lord.
TREVOR: Hi, Nick.
JAN: Nice coat. Is it new?
TREVOR: Er – yes.