JAN: Smart.
NICK: Is there just the one of you in it, or are there more?
TREVOR: What?
JAN: Let me take it.
TREVOR: Thanks.
NICK: What can we do for you?
JAN: Sit down, Trevor.
TREVOR: Thanks.
NICK: At ten to one in the morning.
TREVOR: Well – [he looks at JAN] Well –
JAN: Would you rather I wasn’t here?
TREVOR: Well –
JAN: It’s all right, I’ll make some tea. Then I’ve got to dry my hair.
TREVOR: Right. Thanks.
[JAN goes]
[TREVOR sits brooding]
[NICK waits]
MALCOLM: I’m going to need the Phillips.
KATE: The who?
MALCOLM: Phillips screwdriver. It’s in the car. I’ll get it. Won’t be a minute.
[MALCOLM goes out]
[Lights down in their area]
TREVOR: Look, Nick…
NICK: Yes?
TREVOR: Something happened tonight you’ve got to know about.
NICK: Yes?
TREVOR: Jan and I – we met at that party and we… and Susannah came… and we were together and etcetera etcetera and… it was nothing at all… nothing to it at all… but I wanted you to be the first to know about it.
NICK: Thank you.
TREVOR: You see, I don’t know if you’ve heard but I’ve been going through this whole thing… this whole… me and Susannah and well.
NICK: That’s O.K., I quite understand.
TREVOR: You do?
NICK: Yes, yes. Of course. See you again soon then.
TREVOR: Yes.
NICK: I’d see you out only I’ve wrecked my back, you see. I can’t get up. Absolute agony.
TREVOR: Yes, yes. Fine, [he remains seated]
[Cross fade to ERNEST and DELIA’s]
[DELIA is coming out of the bathroom in her dressing gown as ERNEST returns]
DELIA: Well, where is she?
ERNEST: Still in the downstairs bathroom.
DELIA: What on earth is she up to?
ERNEST: Well, I don’t really know. I passed the door just now on my way to the kitchen and I thought I heard voices.
DELIA: Voices?
ERNEST: She appears to be talking to someone. Or to herself.
DELIA: To herself, I hope. Unless she’s using our downstairs bathroom for secret assignations.
ERNEST: You never know. She’s a very peculiar sort of girl altogether. I hope she isn’t going to be much longer. I’d rather like to go to bed.
DELIA: Well, you mount guard down there, darling. And bring her up when she’s finished whatever it is she’s doing.
ERNEST: Right. It’s very chilly down there, you know. The Aga’s gone out.
DELIA: Oh lord.
[ERNEST goes out]
[DELIA gets into bed and reads a magazine]
[Cross fade to NICK and JAN]
[JAN enters with two mugs of tea]
JAN: Have you finished talking?
NICK: I don’t know if he has. I have.
JAN: [giving NICK his tea] Here, [approaching TREVOR] Trevor – Trevor… he’s asleep.
NICK: He’s what?
JAN: Ssh.
NICK: What do you mean, ssh? He can’t sleep here. Wake him up. Wake up!
[TREVOR grunts]
JAN: Leave him for a minute.
NICK: He really is the limit, isn’t he? Why doesn’t he go home and sleep? Like anyone else.
JAN: Because Susannah’s probably locked him out. Look, I’ll just go and dry my hair. When I’ve done that, I’ll wake him and pack him off.
NICK: He really is the limit.
JAN: You don’t want me to wake him up now, do you? He’ll only start talking to you again.
NICK: All right, all right. Leave him, leave him…
JAN: He looks so peaceful.
NICK: Ha ha.
[JAN goes to the bathroom, taking TREVOR’s mug of tea for herself]
[Cross fade to KATE and MALCOLM’s]
[MALCOLM returns]
MALCOLM: Here we are. Right. I’m going to take it out on the landing.
KATE: Can’t you do it here?
MALCOLM: It’s a surprise. Anyway there’s more room out there.
KATE: Oh, all right.
MALCOLM: [consulting the plan] Now, where do we start? “Locate panel A which will form the inner side of the drawer unit – figure 1”. Panel A? Ah – yes, right – now…
KATE: She’s very odd isn’t she, Susannah? A very odd person.
MALCOLM: You’re right there… Support bar B. Where’s that?
KATE: She said something very peculiar to me.
MALCOLM: B? B? B? Don’t tell me they haven’t given me a B.
KATE: She said she got attracted by other girls in the street.
MALCOLM: Who said that?
KATE: Susannah.
MALCOLM: I didn’t know she was like that.
KATE: I don’t think she is really.
MALCOLM: Well, fancy that. Ah-ha. Support bar B.
KATE: No, I don’t think she’s like that. You could tell if she was.
MALCOLM: Well, it’s not normal, is it? For a woman? Fancying girls in the street.
KATE: No, but – well. –
MALCOLM: You don’t feel like that, do you?
KATE: No, but…
MALCOLM: I didn’t think so.
KATE: No.
MALCOLM: Not you. Mrs Normal, that’s you.
KATE: That doesn’t sound very exciting, does it?
MALCOLM: Suits me. Locking bar C for the second drawer.
KATE: You don’t think I’m too normal, do you?
MALCOLM: How can you be too normal?
KATE: Well… you see things, you know. And you think, well – I might be missing out on something.
MALCOLM: How do you mean?
KATE: Well…
MALCOLM: You’re happy enough, aren’t you?
KATE: Yes. I just thought that I might be – I could be a more exciting person. Perhaps.
MALCOLM: You’re all right.
KATE: But are you excited at all by me, Malcolm?
MALCOLM: Oh yes. Mad about you… Where the hell is locking bar C?
KATE: No. Seriously.
MALCOLM: What are you on about?
KATE: Well, I looked at those magazines of yours.
MALCOLM: Magazines? What magazines?
KATE: The ones you hid under your socks in the drawer.
MALCOLM: Oh. You found those did you?
KATE: Well I couldn’t help it. I mean, I’m in and out of your sock drawer all day. I mean, I didn’t mind…
MALCOLM: Somebody gave them to me at work. I didn’t even read them.
KATE: I did.
MALCOLM: Oh.
KATE: No, I just think perhaps I could be more exciting. For you. I’d hate you to get bored.
MALCOLM: I’m not bored. I’m just trying to find locking bar C.
KATE: You will tell me if you get bored with me, won’t you?
MALCOLM: Yes, sure sure.
KATE: And I promise to tell you.
MALCOLM: What?
KATE: If I get bored with you.
MALCOLM: You don’t get bored with me, do you?
KATE: No. No. Not often.
MALCOLM: What, you mean – when we’re – in bed? Here?
KATE: Not often…
MALCOLM: Well, that’s nice.
KATE: Only once or twice.
MALCOLM: Bored?
KATE: No, not bored. You know, it’s just I have my mind on other things.
MALCOLM: You mean, other men.
KATE: No. Ordinary things like, shall we have a carpet in the hall or shall we stain the floorboards. That sort of thing. They’re all to do with us. In a way.
MALCOLM: You mean to tell me while I’m – giving my all – you’re lying there thinking about floorboards?
KATE: Only som
etimes.
MALCOLM: Bloody hell, [he snatches up some of the pieces] I’m going in the hall.
KATE: Have I hurt your feelings?
MALCOLM: No. Not at all. I’m just going in the hall.
[MALCOLM goes out angrily ]
KATE: I just don’t want to get boring.
[Cross fade to ERNEST and DELIA’s ]
[DELIA in bed, SUSANNAH comes in cautiously ]
SUSANNAH: Hallo.
DELIA: Susannah. Come in, dear, how are you? A late visit.
SUSANNAH: Yes.
DELIA: We were just – going to bed. I think Ernest is making us some cocoa.
SUSANNAH: Oh.
DELIA: We often have cocoa. Sometimes hot milk but usually cocoa.
SUSANNAH: Oh.
[A pause ]
DELIA: Now. What’s the problem?
SUSANNAH: It’s –
DELIA: Mmm?
SUSANNAH: It’s just…
DELIA: Mmm?
SUSANNAH: What am I going to do, Delia?
DELIA: You’re talking about you and Trevor.
SUSANNAH: I’ve lost his respect.
DELIA: Oh surely not. What makes you think that?
SUSANNAH: When he’s there deliberately making love to another woman. Knowing…
DELIA: Trevor was?
SUSANNAH: Knowing that I was bound to come in and see them.
DELIA: Another woman?
SUSANNAH: Yes.
DELIA: Who was this?
SUSANNAH: Oh, that woman. Jan…
DELIA: Jan? Not the Jan?
SUSANNAH: Do you know her?
DELIA: Oh yes, yes.
SUSANNAH: He’s brought her here, has he?
DELIA: Oh yes, several times. I mean, not since he’s been married to you. This was years and years and years and years ago. I mean, he’s never looked at another woman. I mean, not since he’s been – busy married to you. If there’s one thing his father and I always instilled in him from birth it was loyalty. Loyalty to us. Loyalty to the ones he loves. And especially loyalty to the woman he marries.
SUSANNAH: He despises me.
DELIA: Oh, nonsense.
SUSANNAH: Do you know what it’s like to be ignored?
DELIA: Well, yes. As a matter of fact I do. We all do. We all get ignored sooner or later. Ernest ignores me dreadfully. I have to tell him everything three times before he’ll lift a finger.
SUSANNAH: Not only mentally.
DELIA: Oh. Oh, I see. [patting the bed] It’s this old trouble is it?
SUSANNAH: Partly.
DELIA: Oh dear. Dear me. My mother used to say, Delia if SEX ever rears its ugly head, close your eyes before you see the rest of it.
[ERNEST enters with a tray ]
ERNEST: Cocoa is served.
DELIA: Oh, well done.
ERNEST: [handing SUSANNAH a cup] Susannah.
SUSANNAH: Thank you.
[ERNEST gives DELIA a cup and sits]
ERNEST: Well, now, what are we all chatting about?
DELIA: Nothing. Nothing that need concern you, dear.
ERNEST: Oh. On to – those things, are we? Good health.
SUSANNAH: We were talking about physical relationships.
ERNEST: Oh, were you? Jolly good.
SUSANNAH: Delia was saying it’s probably the cause of all our problems.
ERNEST: Really?
DELIA: I said – something like that, yes.
ERNEST: Did we have any problems? I didn’t think we had. I don’t think I had any problems. Probably have a problem now but I don’t remember having any then. [he laughs]
DELIA: Darling, I wonder if you’d like to slip in to the bathroom for a moment.
ERNEST: Bathroom?
DELIA: Just for a moment.
ERNEST: Oh, all right.
SUSANNAH: You don’t have to go.
DELIA: Yes, I think he does have to. I’d prefer it.
ERNEST: Right. I’ll – be in the bathroom then.
[ERNEST goes into the bathroom ]
DELIA: I’m sorry. I find it rather difficult to talk about this sort of thing in front of Ernest.
SUSANNAH: Isn’t that – awkward for you?
DELIA: No, no. We just don’t talk about it. We never have talked about it. I think there’s far too much talking about it anyway. I mean, I think people would be far happier if they were just left to get on with it.
SUSANNAH: But if they have difficulties – hang-ups…
DELIA: Well, if you have difficulties surely you go to your doctor. Talk to him. They love talking about it. Mine does. In fact, he’s got an almost macabre interest in it. For a man of his age.
SUSANNAH: I mean, mental problems. That affects how you approach everything. I mean, I am physically afraid of Trevor. He’s a very violent, passionate person really and I – I don’t think I can be.
DELIA: Oh dear. That is difficult. Of course, Ernest never was. I spent most of my time trying to get him to notice me at all.
SUSANNAH: Can you tell me about it?
DELIA: About what?
SUSANNAH: About – that side of it. With you and your husband.
DELIA: Don’t forget your cocoa.
SUSANNAH: No thank you, I –
DELIA: Don’t you want it?
SUSANNAH: No, I –
DELIA: Something else then?
SUSANNAH: No, it’s –
DELIA: Tea? Have a cup of tea. I’ll make you a cup of tea.
SUSANNAH: No, it’s –
DELIA: Nothing like tea. [rising] Yes, that is a problem for you, isn’t it. I don’t know quite know what we do about that. Wait there, I won’t be a moment.
[DELIA goes out ]
[Cross fade to NICK and JAN’s ]
[NICK in bed. TREVOR still asleep ]
[JAN comes in from the bathroom to fetch her comb ]
NICK: He’s starting to snore.
JAN: I’ll wake him in a minute.
NICK: Please do…
[Cross fade to MALCOLM and KATE’s ]
[KATE still on the bed ]
[MALCOLM enters for another section ]
MALCOLM: Why don’t you get into bed?
KATE: I’m all right.
MALCOLM: [rummaging about in his tool box] Well, I’ll try and be less boring for you in future.
KATE: I didn’t mean that.
MALCOLM: Tomorrow night I’ll come to bed in a funny hat.
KATE: Oh crikey. What have I started?
MALCOLM: I don’t know. And this damn plan’s no use, either. [very irritably] One-inch sevens, where are they?
KATE: One-inch what?
MALCOLM: Never mind. Nobody ever told me before I was boring. And I’ve been with a few, I can tell you.
KATE: Yes, I know, you’ve told me.
MALCOLM: They weren’t bored. None of them were bored. No woman who’s been in bed with me has ever complained of boredom. That was the last thing on their mind. If I were you, I’d start worrying that there wasn’t something wrong with you.
KATE: That’s what I am worrying about.
MALCOLM: You’d do well to. You’d do right to. [marching to the door and turning for a parting shot] You ask Doreen Foster if she was bored with me. She’ll tell you…
[He goes out ]
[Cross fade to ERNEST and DELIA’s ]
[SUSANNAH stands alone ]
SUSANNAH: I am confident in myself. I have confidence in myself. I am not unattractive. I am attractive. People still find me attractive.
[During this, ERNEST emerges from the bathroom. Seeing her, he attempts to tiptoe across to fetch his book from the bedside table without disturbing her ]
Three Plays Page 22