Three Plays

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Three Plays Page 24

by Alan Ayckbourn


  JAN: Good?

  NICK: In bed.

  JAN: Why do men always want to know that? I mean, how am I possibly expected to answer that?

  NICK: Truthfully.

  JAN: If I say yes, he was marvellous, you’ll sulk, won’t you? Whereas if I say no, awful, you’ll just lie there looking smug all night.

  NICK: Not at all.

  JAN: [after a pause] Well, I’ll say this. He thinks he’s awfully good.

  [NICK laughs]

  That satisfy you?

  NICK: Thank you. Thank you.

  JAN: Oh, look at him. Just look at him. Why didn’t I keep my mouth shut.

  [JAN switches off the light]

  [Cross fade to ERNEST and DELIA’s]

  [DELIA and SUSANNAH in bed asleep]

  [SUSANNAH is making weird moaning noises]

  [She starts to flail about]

  [DELIA wakes up. She looks alarmed]

  [SUSANNAH’s wails increase in volume]

  [She begins to claw and clutch at DELIA]

  [DELIA fends her off]

  DELIA: Oh lord. Oh lord. Susannah. Susannah.

  [DELIA switches on the light]

  SUSANNAH: [sitting bolt upright awake] Wah – wah –…

  DELIA: It’s all right, dear. You’re all right. Just a nasty dream.

  [ERNEST comes in.]

  ERNEST: Anything wrong? I heard shouting.

  DELIA: Susannah had a little dream. That’s all dear. Nothing serious.

  ERNEST: Oh. Did she? Did she? For your information, there is steam rising off my top blanket in there. Thought you might like to know. Goodnight.

  [ERNEST goes out]

  DELIA: Better now, dear?

  SUSANNAH: [who has lain down again half asleep already] Mmm.

  DELIA: Goodnight.

  [DELIA switches off the light again]

  [A slight pause. SUSANNAH starts again]

  SUSANNAH: No – no – no… no – no – no….. no – no – please – no – no…

  DELIA: Oh heavens…

  [Cross fade to MALCOLM and KATE’s]

  [KATE is invisible under the sheets]

  [MALCOLM is on the floor and has fallen asleep in the midst of sandpapering]

  [Cross fade to JAN and NICK’s]

  NICK: [restless unable to get to sleep] Oooh – ow… [softly] Jan? Jan? Are you asleep? Jan? … ooh – ow. [loudly] Aaah.

  JAN: [waking up] What?

  NICK: Sorry. Did I wake you? It’s just agony.

  JAN: Well, try and sleep, darling.

  NICK: Impossible, I’m afraid.

  JAN: Well, do try…

  [JAN turns over]

  [NICK lies, moaning to himself softly]

  [Cross fade to ERNEST and DELIA’s]

  [SUSANNAH is now quiet]

  [DELIA sleeps sedately]

  [SUSANNAH suddenly sits bolt upright, her eyes wide open]

  SUSANNAH: Oooooaaaah! Trevor…

  DELIA: [awake in a flash] What? What?

  SUSANNAH: [fumbling her way out of bed] I must phone Trevor.

  DELIA: Not now, dear. It’s only quarter to seven.

  SUSANNAH: Please, please, I want to phone Trevor.

  DELIA: Well, there’s a phone here. Don’t go out there, you’ll wake Ernest. And if you wake Ernest before he’s ready, he gets very tetchy. Here we are.

  SUSANNAH: I’ll just phone home. [she dials]

  DELIA: It’s far too early to telephone anyone. Far too early…

  SUSANNAH: It’s ringing.

  DELIA: And Trevor hates being woken up early. I could never get him to school on time. He’s worse than Ernest.

  SUSANNAH: There’s no reply.

  DELIA: He’ll be dead to the world. Try again later on. Now go back to sleep…

  SUSANNAH: No, no, he would have heard. I know he would have heard. I had this terrible dream… I’ll see if he’s still at Malcolm’s.

  DELIA: No. Now you really mustn’t. It’s very naughty of you. Phoning people up at this time of the morning. I absolutely forbid it.

  SUSANNAH: But I’m worried to death about him. Don’t you see? Don’t you care?

  DELIA: [quietening her] Yes, yes, all right, all right.

  SUSANNAH: [scrabbling for her address book in her bag] Malcolm and Kate…

  DELIA: You’re going to be dreadfully unpopular…

  SUSANNAH: [dialling] I’ll ask Kate if she knows where he went. He may still be there.

  DELIA: I hope you don’t carry on like this at home. You can never hope to keep a husband if you keep bobbing up and down like this all night.

  [Lights up on MALCOLM and KATE]

  [The phone rings]

  [MALCOLM remains asleep]

  [KATE’s head emerges]

  KATE: Ooooo – aaah – oh… [answering] Ho. Hoo hiss.

  SUSANNAH: Kate?

  KATE: Hes.

  SUSANNAH: It’s Susannah.

  KATE: Oh. Ho.

  SUSANNAH: I hope I haven’t woken you.

  KATE: Ho. Ho.

  SUSANNAH: Is Trevor there?

  KATE: No… no, he’s not. He went to Jan’s. Night night, [she hangs up and slumps back]

  [Lights down on MALCOLM and KATE’s]

  SUSANNAH: [thunderstruck] He’s at Jan’s.

  DELIA: What?

  SUSANNAH: [beginning to crumple] I knew it. I knew he would be. He’s at Jan’s.

  DELIA: Now, Susannah.

  SUSANNAH: I dreamt he was at Jan’s.

  DELIA: Now come along, pull yourself together.

  SUSANNAH: He’s gone back to Jan. I knew he’d go back to Jan.

  [she flings herself on the bed weeping hysterically]

  DELIA: Now, Susannah. Susannah. I shall smack your face. Susannah.

  [ERNEST enters angrily]

  ERNEST: Look, what the blazes are you two playing at? Banging and thumping and wailing. It’s like sleeping next door to a girls’ dormitory.

  DELIA: Ernest dear…

  ERNEST: It’s too bad, you know. Too bad. I just this minute got off to sleep against considerable odds.

  DELIA: Ernest, we have a crisis.

  ERNEST: I know we have a crisis. And if I don’t get my sleep, there’s going to be a bigger one.

  DELIA: Ernest, please. Quietly, darling. Quietly. Please…

  ERNEST: What?

  DELIA: You’re going to have to do something. Will you do something, please? Then we can all get some sleep.

  ERNEST: Anything.

  DELIA: Right. Will you pick up that phone, please. And ring Jan whatever-her-name-is and ask to speak to Trevor. And then you can put him on to me.

  ERNEST: Why should I want to ring Jan?

  DELIA: Because that apparently is where Trevor is.

  ERNEST: At this time of the morning?

  DELIA: Especially at this time of the morning.

  ERNEST: Oh, no. You don’t mean to say…

  DELIA: Apparently.

  ERNEST: Oh, no. Well, I warn you, I’m not in any mood for pleasantries. Give me the number then.

  DELIA: Susannah.

  SUSANNAH: Mm?

  DELIA: What is Jan’s number? [holding up address book] Will it be in here?

  SUSANNAH: [nodding mutely] Mmm.

  DELIA: Where do I find it? What’s her husband’s surname?

  SUSANNAH: Davies.

  DELIA: Davies, [handing book to ERNEST] Look up Davies, dear, under D.

  ERNEST: [searching] Davies? Davies? Davies? Nick and Jan Davies. Those the ones?

  DELIA: That’s them.

  ERNEST: 26 – um – um – 74 – [dialling] 2 – 6 –

  DELIA: Ask to speak to Trevor.

  ERNEST: I shall.

  [Lights up on NICK and JAN’s]

  [The phone rings]

  NICK: [waking up and trying to sit up] Aaah. [he lies back]

  JAN: [asleep] Phone’s ringing.

  NICK: Well, answer it darling. Will you come round and answer it. I can’t reach.

 
; JAN: [stumbling out of bed] Oh no.

  NICK: Oh my God, it’s probably America. Lights on.

  JAN: What?

  NICK: Lights on.

  JAN: Right, [she does so]

  NICK: Notebook, quick. Pen and notebook. Come along, darling. Quickly please, they’ll hang up.

  JAN: Pen and notebook.

  NICK: Jan please, get a move on.

  JAN: I am getting a move on.

  [She answers the phone]

  Hallo? 26…

  ERNEST: Hallo. Is that Jan?

  JAN: Yes, just a moment please. I’ll give you my husband.

  ERNEST: I don’t want your husband, young lady. I want to speak to my son.

  JAN: Your son?

  ERNEST: I know he’s there. Come along.

  JAN: Oh I’m sorry. I thought you were America. Just a second… [to NICK] It’s not America. It’s your father.

  NICK: My father? Good lord, [taking the receiver] Hallo there, Dad.

  ERNEST: Hallo, who’s that?

  NICK: It’s Nick, Dad. How are you? When did you get back?

  ERNEST: Back?

  NICK: I thought you were in Rome.

  ERNEST: Rome?

  NICK: Who is this?

  ERNEST: That’s not Trevor.

  DELIA: Who are you talking to?

  ERNEST: Haven’t the foggiest. Some fellow who thinks I’m in Rome.

  NICK: Look, did you say Trevor?

  ERNEST: Yes. Trevor. I’m talking to Trevor. We seem to have a crossed line…

  DELIA: Oh, give that to me.

  ERNEST: Bloody G.P.O. Absolutely the last straw.

  DELIA: [ultra-charming] Hallo, who am I speaking to?

  NICK: Madam, you are speaking to a man with a bad back in considerable pain. More to the point, who are you?

  DELIA: I’m so sorry to disturb you. This is Trevor’s mother speaking.

  NICK: You want to speak to Trevor, do you?

  DELIA: If it’s not too much trouble. Thank you so much.

  NICK: [handing receiver to JAN] Trevor’s mother. It runs in the family.

  JAN: Delia?

  DELIA: [to ERNEST] There, that’s that sorted out.

  JAN: Hallo, Delia. It’s Jan. Do you want a word with Trevor?

  DELIA: Yes, is he with you, Jan?

  JAN: Yes, he’s sleeping on the sofa. I’ll get him. [JAN goes out]

  DELIA: Thank you, Jan. She is a nice girl. Her husband sounds a very grumpy thing.

  ERNEST: I’m not surprised.

  DELIA: Now then. She’s obviously with her husband, Susannah, so there’s nothing at all for you to worry about. She’s just fetching Trevor. He’s sleeping on their sofa apparently.

  [TREVOR blunders in]

  [He has been sleeping in his shirt, pants and socks]

  NICK: Could you not use the phone in there?

  TREVOR: Sorry to disturb you.

  JAN: [entering as she speaks] No, Trevor, I said you can take it in here, Trevor.

  TREVOR: [answering phone] Hallo.

  JAN: Trev – [apologetically to NICK] Sorry.

  TREVOR: Hallo.

  DELIA: Trevor?

  TREVOR: Hallo, Mum.

  DELIA: I have Susannah here, Trevor. She wants to talk to you.

  TREVOR: Oh. Right.

  DELIA: [holding out phone] Susannah.

  SUSANNAH: Thank you. Hallo – Trevor?

  DELIA: Ernest, [she waves him away]

  [ERNEST stamps back into his room]

  TREVOR: Hallo, Suse.

  SUSANNAH: I thought I’d ring you.

  TREVOR: Yes.

  SUSANNAH: To say. I’m sorry. About this evening…

  TREVOR: No. It was me. I’m sorry.

  SUSANNAH: Well.

  TREVOR: Yes, well.

  SUSANNAH: Yes. Trevor, I think we ought to try again.

  DELIA: [softly] Aaaah.

  TREVOR: Yes. Yes. O.K.

  SUSANNAH: Are you alone?

  TREVOR: Not really.

  SUSANNAH: Is she with you?

  TREVOR: Yes. Yes.

  SUSANNAH: Are you still keen on her?

  TREVOR: No. No.

  NICK: Is this going on for long?

  TREVOR: Nick’s here too, Suse. He’s in bed. [to NICK] Could you say hallo to Susannah to prove you’re here?

  NICK: I’m not saying hallo to anyone at this time of the morning.

  TREVOR: Thanks. Did you hear that, Susannah?

  SUSANNAH: Yes.

  TREVOR: Well. I’m sleeping on the sofa.

  SUSANNAH: Oh.

  TREVOR: Where are you sleeping?

  SUSANNAH: With your mother.

  TREVOR: Oh.

  SUSANNAH: Look, I could be home in ten minutes. I’ve got the car.

  TREVOR: Well. O.K. So could I.

  SUSANNAH: Shall we do that?

  TREVOR: Sure. Fine.

  SUSANNAH: O.K. See you then.

  TREVOR: Yes. Sure. Bye.

  SUSANNAH: Bye bye.

  TREVOR: Bye.

  [They both hang up]

  DELIA: Well, everything settled?

  SUSANNAH: [hurrying to the bathroom] I’m going to get dressed. Excuse me.

  DELIA: Dressed?

  TREVOR: [to NICK] Thanks a lot. Thanks a lot.

  NICK: Want to phone anyone else while you’re here?

  TREVOR: No, no. That’s fine, thanks. I’ll be off home then. I’ll just get dressed. Thanks, Jan.

  JAN: All right, Trevor.

  [TREVOR goes out]

  NICK: I’m going to get my firm to sue that man. He’s set me back about a month.

  JAN: Try not to be quite so unpleasant. [she kisses him]

  NICK: Ow.

  JAN: Sorry, sorry. Back to sleep now. [she gets into bed]

  [SUSANNAH returns from the bathroom struggling into her clothes]

  SUSANNAH: Trevor says he’s going home. So I’m going home too. Thank you for everything.

  DELIA: Quite all right. Would you like a hairbrush before you go?

  SUSANNAH: Hairbrush? Oh, all right.

  DELIA: You ought to do a little something with yourself. For Trevor’s sake.

  SUSANNAH: All right.

  [She sits and does her hair]

  [Back at NICK and JAN’s, TREVOR comes in]

  TREVOR: I say. I say…

  NICK: Oh no…

  TREVOR: I’m off.

  JAN: All right, Trevor. Bye bye.

  TREVOR: I say…

  JAN: Yes.

  TREVOR: I wonder if I could make a quick phone call?

  JAN: Phone call?

  TREVOR: Would you mind? I can’t get the one in there to work.

  JAN: No, you have to switch it through.

  TREVOR: Switch it through?

  JAN: Never mind. Use this one.

  TREVOR: Are you sure?

  NICK: [screaming] Look, take the phone! Take it!

  TREVOR: Thanks. Just a quick one.

  JAN: I’ll put the light on.

  TREVOR: No, it’s all right. I can see. I can see.

  [TREVOR goes to the phone table]

  [He fumbles about. A clatter]

  NICK: Aaaah! Aaaah!

  TREVOR: Sorry.

  JAN: What –?

  [She switches on the light]

  [TREVOR has knocked NICK’s glass of water on to the bed]

  NICK: You bloody fool.

  TREVOR: Sorry, sorry, sorry.

  JAN: [getting out of bed and going out] All right, all right. Hold on, hold on.

  TREVOR: Sorry, [he dials] I should get up and pull the sheet over this way a bit if I were you.

 

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