JAN: Good?
NICK: In bed.
JAN: Why do men always want to know that? I mean, how am I possibly expected to answer that?
NICK: Truthfully.
JAN: If I say yes, he was marvellous, you’ll sulk, won’t you? Whereas if I say no, awful, you’ll just lie there looking smug all night.
NICK: Not at all.
JAN: [after a pause] Well, I’ll say this. He thinks he’s awfully good.
[NICK laughs]
That satisfy you?
NICK: Thank you. Thank you.
JAN: Oh, look at him. Just look at him. Why didn’t I keep my mouth shut.
[JAN switches off the light]
[Cross fade to ERNEST and DELIA’s]
[DELIA and SUSANNAH in bed asleep]
[SUSANNAH is making weird moaning noises]
[She starts to flail about]
[DELIA wakes up. She looks alarmed]
[SUSANNAH’s wails increase in volume]
[She begins to claw and clutch at DELIA]
[DELIA fends her off]
DELIA: Oh lord. Oh lord. Susannah. Susannah.
[DELIA switches on the light]
SUSANNAH: [sitting bolt upright awake] Wah – wah –…
DELIA: It’s all right, dear. You’re all right. Just a nasty dream.
[ERNEST comes in.]
ERNEST: Anything wrong? I heard shouting.
DELIA: Susannah had a little dream. That’s all dear. Nothing serious.
ERNEST: Oh. Did she? Did she? For your information, there is steam rising off my top blanket in there. Thought you might like to know. Goodnight.
[ERNEST goes out]
DELIA: Better now, dear?
SUSANNAH: [who has lain down again half asleep already] Mmm.
DELIA: Goodnight.
[DELIA switches off the light again]
[A slight pause. SUSANNAH starts again]
SUSANNAH: No – no – no… no – no – no….. no – no – please – no – no…
DELIA: Oh heavens…
[Cross fade to MALCOLM and KATE’s]
[KATE is invisible under the sheets]
[MALCOLM is on the floor and has fallen asleep in the midst of sandpapering]
[Cross fade to JAN and NICK’s]
NICK: [restless unable to get to sleep] Oooh – ow… [softly] Jan? Jan? Are you asleep? Jan? … ooh – ow. [loudly] Aaah.
JAN: [waking up] What?
NICK: Sorry. Did I wake you? It’s just agony.
JAN: Well, try and sleep, darling.
NICK: Impossible, I’m afraid.
JAN: Well, do try…
[JAN turns over]
[NICK lies, moaning to himself softly]
[Cross fade to ERNEST and DELIA’s]
[SUSANNAH is now quiet]
[DELIA sleeps sedately]
[SUSANNAH suddenly sits bolt upright, her eyes wide open]
SUSANNAH: Oooooaaaah! Trevor…
DELIA: [awake in a flash] What? What?
SUSANNAH: [fumbling her way out of bed] I must phone Trevor.
DELIA: Not now, dear. It’s only quarter to seven.
SUSANNAH: Please, please, I want to phone Trevor.
DELIA: Well, there’s a phone here. Don’t go out there, you’ll wake Ernest. And if you wake Ernest before he’s ready, he gets very tetchy. Here we are.
SUSANNAH: I’ll just phone home. [she dials]
DELIA: It’s far too early to telephone anyone. Far too early…
SUSANNAH: It’s ringing.
DELIA: And Trevor hates being woken up early. I could never get him to school on time. He’s worse than Ernest.
SUSANNAH: There’s no reply.
DELIA: He’ll be dead to the world. Try again later on. Now go back to sleep…
SUSANNAH: No, no, he would have heard. I know he would have heard. I had this terrible dream… I’ll see if he’s still at Malcolm’s.
DELIA: No. Now you really mustn’t. It’s very naughty of you. Phoning people up at this time of the morning. I absolutely forbid it.
SUSANNAH: But I’m worried to death about him. Don’t you see? Don’t you care?
DELIA: [quietening her] Yes, yes, all right, all right.
SUSANNAH: [scrabbling for her address book in her bag] Malcolm and Kate…
DELIA: You’re going to be dreadfully unpopular…
SUSANNAH: [dialling] I’ll ask Kate if she knows where he went. He may still be there.
DELIA: I hope you don’t carry on like this at home. You can never hope to keep a husband if you keep bobbing up and down like this all night.
[Lights up on MALCOLM and KATE]
[The phone rings]
[MALCOLM remains asleep]
[KATE’s head emerges]
KATE: Ooooo – aaah – oh… [answering] Ho. Hoo hiss.
SUSANNAH: Kate?
KATE: Hes.
SUSANNAH: It’s Susannah.
KATE: Oh. Ho.
SUSANNAH: I hope I haven’t woken you.
KATE: Ho. Ho.
SUSANNAH: Is Trevor there?
KATE: No… no, he’s not. He went to Jan’s. Night night, [she hangs up and slumps back]
[Lights down on MALCOLM and KATE’s]
SUSANNAH: [thunderstruck] He’s at Jan’s.
DELIA: What?
SUSANNAH: [beginning to crumple] I knew it. I knew he would be. He’s at Jan’s.
DELIA: Now, Susannah.
SUSANNAH: I dreamt he was at Jan’s.
DELIA: Now come along, pull yourself together.
SUSANNAH: He’s gone back to Jan. I knew he’d go back to Jan.
[she flings herself on the bed weeping hysterically]
DELIA: Now, Susannah. Susannah. I shall smack your face. Susannah.
[ERNEST enters angrily]
ERNEST: Look, what the blazes are you two playing at? Banging and thumping and wailing. It’s like sleeping next door to a girls’ dormitory.
DELIA: Ernest dear…
ERNEST: It’s too bad, you know. Too bad. I just this minute got off to sleep against considerable odds.
DELIA: Ernest, we have a crisis.
ERNEST: I know we have a crisis. And if I don’t get my sleep, there’s going to be a bigger one.
DELIA: Ernest, please. Quietly, darling. Quietly. Please…
ERNEST: What?
DELIA: You’re going to have to do something. Will you do something, please? Then we can all get some sleep.
ERNEST: Anything.
DELIA: Right. Will you pick up that phone, please. And ring Jan whatever-her-name-is and ask to speak to Trevor. And then you can put him on to me.
ERNEST: Why should I want to ring Jan?
DELIA: Because that apparently is where Trevor is.
ERNEST: At this time of the morning?
DELIA: Especially at this time of the morning.
ERNEST: Oh, no. You don’t mean to say…
DELIA: Apparently.
ERNEST: Oh, no. Well, I warn you, I’m not in any mood for pleasantries. Give me the number then.
DELIA: Susannah.
SUSANNAH: Mm?
DELIA: What is Jan’s number? [holding up address book] Will it be in here?
SUSANNAH: [nodding mutely] Mmm.
DELIA: Where do I find it? What’s her husband’s surname?
SUSANNAH: Davies.
DELIA: Davies, [handing book to ERNEST] Look up Davies, dear, under D.
ERNEST: [searching] Davies? Davies? Davies? Nick and Jan Davies. Those the ones?
DELIA: That’s them.
ERNEST: 26 – um – um – 74 – [dialling] 2 – 6 –
DELIA: Ask to speak to Trevor.
ERNEST: I shall.
[Lights up on NICK and JAN’s]
[The phone rings]
NICK: [waking up and trying to sit up] Aaah. [he lies back]
JAN: [asleep] Phone’s ringing.
NICK: Well, answer it darling. Will you come round and answer it. I can’t reach.
; JAN: [stumbling out of bed] Oh no.
NICK: Oh my God, it’s probably America. Lights on.
JAN: What?
NICK: Lights on.
JAN: Right, [she does so]
NICK: Notebook, quick. Pen and notebook. Come along, darling. Quickly please, they’ll hang up.
JAN: Pen and notebook.
NICK: Jan please, get a move on.
JAN: I am getting a move on.
[She answers the phone]
Hallo? 26…
ERNEST: Hallo. Is that Jan?
JAN: Yes, just a moment please. I’ll give you my husband.
ERNEST: I don’t want your husband, young lady. I want to speak to my son.
JAN: Your son?
ERNEST: I know he’s there. Come along.
JAN: Oh I’m sorry. I thought you were America. Just a second… [to NICK] It’s not America. It’s your father.
NICK: My father? Good lord, [taking the receiver] Hallo there, Dad.
ERNEST: Hallo, who’s that?
NICK: It’s Nick, Dad. How are you? When did you get back?
ERNEST: Back?
NICK: I thought you were in Rome.
ERNEST: Rome?
NICK: Who is this?
ERNEST: That’s not Trevor.
DELIA: Who are you talking to?
ERNEST: Haven’t the foggiest. Some fellow who thinks I’m in Rome.
NICK: Look, did you say Trevor?
ERNEST: Yes. Trevor. I’m talking to Trevor. We seem to have a crossed line…
DELIA: Oh, give that to me.
ERNEST: Bloody G.P.O. Absolutely the last straw.
DELIA: [ultra-charming] Hallo, who am I speaking to?
NICK: Madam, you are speaking to a man with a bad back in considerable pain. More to the point, who are you?
DELIA: I’m so sorry to disturb you. This is Trevor’s mother speaking.
NICK: You want to speak to Trevor, do you?
DELIA: If it’s not too much trouble. Thank you so much.
NICK: [handing receiver to JAN] Trevor’s mother. It runs in the family.
JAN: Delia?
DELIA: [to ERNEST] There, that’s that sorted out.
JAN: Hallo, Delia. It’s Jan. Do you want a word with Trevor?
DELIA: Yes, is he with you, Jan?
JAN: Yes, he’s sleeping on the sofa. I’ll get him. [JAN goes out]
DELIA: Thank you, Jan. She is a nice girl. Her husband sounds a very grumpy thing.
ERNEST: I’m not surprised.
DELIA: Now then. She’s obviously with her husband, Susannah, so there’s nothing at all for you to worry about. She’s just fetching Trevor. He’s sleeping on their sofa apparently.
[TREVOR blunders in]
[He has been sleeping in his shirt, pants and socks]
NICK: Could you not use the phone in there?
TREVOR: Sorry to disturb you.
JAN: [entering as she speaks] No, Trevor, I said you can take it in here, Trevor.
TREVOR: [answering phone] Hallo.
JAN: Trev – [apologetically to NICK] Sorry.
TREVOR: Hallo.
DELIA: Trevor?
TREVOR: Hallo, Mum.
DELIA: I have Susannah here, Trevor. She wants to talk to you.
TREVOR: Oh. Right.
DELIA: [holding out phone] Susannah.
SUSANNAH: Thank you. Hallo – Trevor?
DELIA: Ernest, [she waves him away]
[ERNEST stamps back into his room]
TREVOR: Hallo, Suse.
SUSANNAH: I thought I’d ring you.
TREVOR: Yes.
SUSANNAH: To say. I’m sorry. About this evening…
TREVOR: No. It was me. I’m sorry.
SUSANNAH: Well.
TREVOR: Yes, well.
SUSANNAH: Yes. Trevor, I think we ought to try again.
DELIA: [softly] Aaaah.
TREVOR: Yes. Yes. O.K.
SUSANNAH: Are you alone?
TREVOR: Not really.
SUSANNAH: Is she with you?
TREVOR: Yes. Yes.
SUSANNAH: Are you still keen on her?
TREVOR: No. No.
NICK: Is this going on for long?
TREVOR: Nick’s here too, Suse. He’s in bed. [to NICK] Could you say hallo to Susannah to prove you’re here?
NICK: I’m not saying hallo to anyone at this time of the morning.
TREVOR: Thanks. Did you hear that, Susannah?
SUSANNAH: Yes.
TREVOR: Well. I’m sleeping on the sofa.
SUSANNAH: Oh.
TREVOR: Where are you sleeping?
SUSANNAH: With your mother.
TREVOR: Oh.
SUSANNAH: Look, I could be home in ten minutes. I’ve got the car.
TREVOR: Well. O.K. So could I.
SUSANNAH: Shall we do that?
TREVOR: Sure. Fine.
SUSANNAH: O.K. See you then.
TREVOR: Yes. Sure. Bye.
SUSANNAH: Bye bye.
TREVOR: Bye.
[They both hang up]
DELIA: Well, everything settled?
SUSANNAH: [hurrying to the bathroom] I’m going to get dressed. Excuse me.
DELIA: Dressed?
TREVOR: [to NICK] Thanks a lot. Thanks a lot.
NICK: Want to phone anyone else while you’re here?
TREVOR: No, no. That’s fine, thanks. I’ll be off home then. I’ll just get dressed. Thanks, Jan.
JAN: All right, Trevor.
[TREVOR goes out]
NICK: I’m going to get my firm to sue that man. He’s set me back about a month.
JAN: Try not to be quite so unpleasant. [she kisses him]
NICK: Ow.
JAN: Sorry, sorry. Back to sleep now. [she gets into bed]
[SUSANNAH returns from the bathroom struggling into her clothes]
SUSANNAH: Trevor says he’s going home. So I’m going home too. Thank you for everything.
DELIA: Quite all right. Would you like a hairbrush before you go?
SUSANNAH: Hairbrush? Oh, all right.
DELIA: You ought to do a little something with yourself. For Trevor’s sake.
SUSANNAH: All right.
[She sits and does her hair]
[Back at NICK and JAN’s, TREVOR comes in]
TREVOR: I say. I say…
NICK: Oh no…
TREVOR: I’m off.
JAN: All right, Trevor. Bye bye.
TREVOR: I say…
JAN: Yes.
TREVOR: I wonder if I could make a quick phone call?
JAN: Phone call?
TREVOR: Would you mind? I can’t get the one in there to work.
JAN: No, you have to switch it through.
TREVOR: Switch it through?
JAN: Never mind. Use this one.
TREVOR: Are you sure?
NICK: [screaming] Look, take the phone! Take it!
TREVOR: Thanks. Just a quick one.
JAN: I’ll put the light on.
TREVOR: No, it’s all right. I can see. I can see.
[TREVOR goes to the phone table]
[He fumbles about. A clatter]
NICK: Aaaah! Aaaah!
TREVOR: Sorry.
JAN: What –?
[She switches on the light]
[TREVOR has knocked NICK’s glass of water on to the bed]
NICK: You bloody fool.
TREVOR: Sorry, sorry, sorry.
JAN: [getting out of bed and going out] All right, all right. Hold on, hold on.
TREVOR: Sorry, [he dials] I should get up and pull the sheet over this way a bit if I were you.
Three Plays Page 24