by Chloe Seager
Back in bed now. I will never sleep again.
SUNDAY, 19 OCTOBER
POSTED BY EDITINGEMMA 8:09 A.M.
I did sleep. Very briefly. Until we were all woken up by someone in the room farting but no one will admit it was them. It definitely wasn’t me. Or was it? Can people fart themselves awake?
I’ve only been awake two minutes and last night’s magic has sort of faded. I have a headache (though not as bad as last time I was here), my mouth tastes like a small furry animal died in it, I feel vaguely socially embarrassed and ashamed though I’m not sure what for, and the intense, gnawing guilt about Greg is much, much harder to ignore.
Five messages from him. Oh God.
Emma Nash @Em_Nasher
Reviving hangover Coco Pops with @Brentsy and @GracieMorton1, @Faith18 has fallen asleep over the table
POSTED BY EDITINGEMMA 8:42 A.M.
Andy came in, looking weary.
“Why are you up so early?” he croaked, rubbing his eyes.
I was about to say someone farted, but then I remembered Steph might potentially want to have sex with this person. Her and Andy are trying to be subtle but it isn’t working. He mawkishly offered her a Pop-Tart as if it was a bunch of flowers and she has suddenly become very austere. Whenever someone says something she considers it carefully and nods without really responding.
We that are true lovers run into strange capers...
POSTED BY EDITINGEMMA 9:00 A.M.
Can’t put it off anymore. Going to have to read the messages.
Am going home. Wasn’t having much fun. You clearly don’t want to see me so maybe we can talk tomorrow. Hope you have a fun evening. x 11:05 p.m.
Are you even going to reply? x 12:12 a.m.
I don’t even know what I’ve done :S if we talk about it we can sort it out. x 1:45 a.m.
Please talk to me :( 4:33 a.m.
I can’t sleep. I really like you, Emma, but I’m angry and confused and you can’t just ignore me. 4:48 a.m.
Oh my God. I’ve done exactly what Leon did to me. How did that happen? And all I’ve been doing all term and all summer is rant on about finding someone who will treat me nicely and I actually found them...then treated them horribly.
POSTED BY EDITINGEMMA 9:27 A.M.
Right. It’s time to get it together and stop being such a repulsive person. Dialing Greg...
And hanging up before it rings.
Dialing Greg...
And hanging up before it rings.
This is getting ridiculous. I can do this.
Greg is ringing. Crap. OK, breathe, breathe.
“Hello?”
“Emma, did you just try to call me?”
“Oh, no, sorry, accident.”
“OK.”
“But, I mean, er, I was going to call you. Are you otherwise engaged?”
“What?”
“I mean, er, are you free to talk?”
“I can talk.”
Silence.
“What’s wrong, Emma? Why were you being so weird last night?”
“I...er, well...”
Moment of truth.
“I kind of felt like maybe you’re not that into having a girlfriend right now.”
Agh. I’m a chicken. A sniveling, gutless, yellow-bellied chicken.
“Emma, don’t do that. I know that’s how you fobbed off that other guy you were dating. Don’t do that to me.”
“OK, first things first, I was never ‘dating’ Laurence Myer!!”
“Emma.”
“All right, I’m sorry. I guess I kind of...I kind of like someone else.”
Silence.
“I’m really sorry, Greg. I should have said something before.”
“I... How long have you liked him?”
Since before I wore a bra?
“Not very long.”
Silence.
“Is it Leon?”
“How did you...”
“The first time we met. You said I wasn’t him.”
“Right, yeah.”
“I guess I should have known.”
Silence.
“I’m going back to bed. Bye, Emma.”
Well, that was extremely uncomfortable.
POSTED BY EDITINGEMMA 9:35 A.M.
I feel horrible. But also like a huge weight has been lifted... Am I allowed to feel happy about the Leon thing now? Or would that still make me a bad person?
POSTED BY EDITINGEMMA 2:23 P.M.
I can’t help feeling happy. As I was leaving, I hugged Gracie’s mum and apologized for the mess I made last time I was round. She didn’t really say anything, only looked very startled. When I got back home I hugged Mum, too, and she eyed me with suspicion.
“Have you taken something?” she said.
Once I had thoroughly convinced her I wasn’t high on Ecstasy, she wandered off. Later on, she walked into the kitchen and I was buttering a plate instead of the toast.
“What’s wrong with you?” she snapped. “Has your brain fallen out?”
I think it might have.
POSTED BY EDITINGEMMA 10:31 P.M.
In bed. Greg hasn’t been in contact... I guess he’s too angry. I probably wouldn’t be in contact with me, either. I can’t sleep, even though I only slept for two hours last night. I get to see Leon tomorrow. I hope there will be more kissing.
MONDAY, 20 OCTOBER
POSTED BY EDITINGEMMA 8:59 A.M.
I floated into school on a cloud this morning. Walked past Mr. Morris and said, “Good morning, Mr. Morris! I’m very sorry I was late this morning and I’m sure I’m in big trouble, but I have to say, you really are an excellent teacher and role model in my life—for that I thank you.”
He looked stunned and said nothing. I’m 90 percent sure it was him and not his twin. Oh well. I am continuing to spread the joy...lalala. I even smiled at a horrible little child who was throwing Skittles at passersby. Lalalalalalala...
POSTED BY EDITINGEMMA 11:09 A.M.
The sparkling rainbow following me around has faded a little. I suddenly feel really nervous going up to Leon... I don’t know why. Saturday night feels like a lifetime ago. I’m sure I’m just being stupid. It will be fine. It has to be fine. I brought my Chewits security blanket and I’m going to walk past him holding them, very casually...
POSTED BY EDITINGEMMA 11:19 A.M.
I did it. I walked past him. Nothing. Nada. Not so much as a glance. My tummy is all wobbly.
“What does this mean?” I asked Steph.
“Maybe he’s gone off Chewits?” she replied.
Then Apple went over to him and he got a cookie out of his coat pocket and gave it to her. HE GOT A COOKIE OUT OF HIS COAT POCKET AND GAVE IT TO HER.
He couldn’t be doing the same thing to me...again...could he? Could he?
I feel like people keep glancing over at me, and looking a bit...apprehensive? Even Abby Matthews gave me a grim smile, and we never speak. Does everyone know? I’m sitting with Faith with my head in my hands as she analyzes the situation.
“It’s like a really weird food game... Laurence running after you with Minstrels and you running after Leon with Chewits and him running after Apple with cookies...”
“Yes, it’s a delicious feast of broken hearts.”
She pats me and says, “You’re feeling melodramatic today.”
Faith can be so cold.
POSTED BY EDITINGEMMA 11:45 A.M.
In Maths
“I can’t believe he’s done this!! AGAIN!!” raged Steph, scaring Mr. Crispin as he walked past.
“Me, neither,” I said, staring into space.
“Do you think they’re back together?? Agh, that’s so...shit, Emma. I can’t believe he would do this and then get back together with her.”
>
“I...” My voice sounded blank. “I really thought this time was different. I don’t understand.”
“I understand.” Steph waved her fist around. “I understand now how murders happen.”
I took the pen out of her hand before she accidentally stabbed Boring Susan in the back of the head.
POSTED BY EDITINGEMMA 12:45 P.M.
Editing Emma Goes Public
I was just sitting in French, trying not to cry, when I got a message from Steph.
Check your notifications, NOW 12:26 p.m.
Madame Fournier is really strict about phones, unlike Mr. Crispin, so I had to wait until she turned around to the board before I could reply.
Later. With Madame F 12:34 p.m.
Seriously Emma. Do it NOW 12:34 p.m.
I excused myself to go to the loo. Madame Fournier rolled her eyes and made some comment about not being able to hold my bladder for forty minutes and that by the time I was her age I’d be peeing myself. But I got away. I was skeptical about what could be so bloody important. I thought, this had better not be something to do with Game of Thrones.
And now I’m in the toilets. Looking at what Steph meant. And I’m wishing it was something to do with Game of Thrones. It’s my blog.
My blog.
On public.
My PRIVATE blog.
On PUBLIC.
Not all of it, just one of the worst possible posts that could ever have been uploaded... Reasons Why Leon Naylor Is Not Worth Any Girl’s Time or Virginity. There it is. Just sitting there on my screen. And everyone else’s screens. For everyone to see. Oh my God...that’s why Leon’s not speaking to me. That’s why people were staring at me at break time.
I read back through my own words, slagging him off. Slagging off is an understatement. I call him stupid. I mock him for trying. I say his parents love his brother more, an insecurity he shared with me in confidence, that he’s never told anyone else. I’m mortified by what I’ve written. Mortified that other people have seen this. That Leon has seen this.
I’ve set it back to private, obviously, but the damage is done. Steph commented on it about a million times saying “EMMA. EMMA. DELETE. DELETE.”
What have I done? How did this happen?
POSTED BY EDITINGEMMA 1:30 P.M.
Hiding in the toilets. I don’t want to go out there. I can only imagine what people are saying about me. I bet everyone thinks I’m a massive bitch. Oh God. I’m so humiliated. Now I know what it feels like to be a celebrity and have all your private business aired in a magazine. I feel like someone’s taken my deepest, weirdest daydream and played it out on a TV for everyone to watch.
I’ve turned off my phone so no one and nothing can reach me. I will stay in this cubicle making little loo roll dolls. Little loo roll dolls who would never judge me because they do not have thoughts. I will stay in here forever with my harmless paper friends.
Or at least until English.
POSTED BY EDITINGEMMA 2:10 P.M.
English
People abruptly stopped talking when I came in, but I heard the word “disgusting.” Has everyone seen it?! I know it was bad but I’m not sure I’d call it disgusting.
I sat down next to Steph, hiding behind my hair. She was doodling on her folder and clearly trying to keep calm for me. Even Ms. Parker had concern in her eyes when she handed me back my essay. She must have heard what people were saying.
I burrowed further into my seat. I could just feel everyone staring at me. Oh God, I was going to have to move schools. Except we all know that never works because everything ends up on the internet so whenever anyone does something really embarrassing it just follows them. FOREVER. Could I make a clean break at uni?! What if I end up accidentally going to uni with Abby Matthews and she tells everyone there?! Should I apply to universities in Europe? Oh God, WHY DIDN’T I PAY MORE ATTENTION IN FRENCH.
“Steph, I can’t take it!!”
“What?”
“Everyone talking about me!!”
She paused for a second, frowning. “No they’re not.”
“It’s OK, Steph, you don’t have to shield my feelings.”
“No, really. They’re talking about this girl in Year 9 who did a poo on the bathroom floor.”
“I... What?!”
“She left it too late and just missed the toilet. Apparently it was just sitting there in the girls’ loos all morning.”
We both sat there, imagining it.
“So no one’s said anything?”
“Umm. I did hear Boring Susan say it was a bit weird, but then the poo thing happened and you kind of got overshadowed.”
Overshadowed by a poo. Right. Well...that’s a relief.
POSTED BY EDITINGEMMA 3:30 P.M.
“... Were they really not talking about me?”
“Really, really not.”
“I just can’t believe someone’s poor bowel control is more interesting than my life.”
“Emma, is this really what you’re focusing on right now? Leon cares. Leon. You know, the person you actually care about? Rather than fifty other people in our year you never speak to?”
She’s right. Suddenly I feel like I’ve been punched in the stomach.
“He looked pretty upset, Emmy. He looked kind of, well, miserable.”
I’d take a hundred mean comments from Abby Matthews if it meant me and Leon were OK. We have to be OK.
POSTED BY EDITINGEMMA 4:34 P.M.
As soon as the bell went, I ran to the gates to wait for Leon. He was clearly trying to avoid me, because when I got there he was practically running out of his class.
“Leon. LEON!” I called.
When he saw me, he moved even faster.
“Please talk to me.”
“I don’t really want to, Emma.”
Then he walked away. And I just stood there watching him go. Again.
POSTED BY EDITINGEMMA 10:25 P.M.
How My Blog Could Possibly Have Gone Public
I’ve been racking my brains over this, and talked through it with Steph, and we came down to three options.
I Did It by Mistake
Highly unlikely, but possible. It would be a bit of a coincidence given I wrote that post so long ago, and given its content. There are a million posts on my blog about random other crap and none of those went public. It feels planned.
Anna
I wouldn’t normally be this paranoid, but I feel pretty sure someone did this. I guess, she might have been upset about Leon and realized that maybe I had something to do with it. But it doesn’t really seem like her. She’s actually really nice. And how on Earth would she have even known I was writing a blog, let alone had access to it? Which led us to...
Greg
He’s definitely upset with me. He definitely knows about my secret blog, and he was always asking to see it. Could I have left my log-in details on his computer? Suffice to say, I’ve changed my password.
We concluded that it must have been Greg, it seems like the only feasible option. But I still can’t believe he would do that... He’s not nasty. I really need to phone him tomorrow, to talk.
TUESDAY, 21 OCTOBER
POSTED BY EDITINGEMMA 11:35 A.M.
Sitting in the loos staring into space. I’m not even crying; I don’t think I have any tears left. I should be in a lesson right now but I categorically don’t care. Somehow yesterday I really thought, deep down, that we’d work it out. I was upset but I wasn’t worried. I thought he was mad, and needed a bit of time... But it’s over. It’s actually over this time.
I finally got him to at least talk to me. All his friends were staring at us and he hates people making a scene. Which I was.
“Come on,” I said pleadingly. “Please come with me?”
He took a deep breath.
/> “Fine.”
We went and sat on the wall, by Chapel. He was keeping his eyes fixed on his shoes.
“I’m sorry, Leon. I have no idea how that post went public.”
“It doesn’t matter.”
“Well, it clearly does matter.”
He said nothing.
“It wasn’t meant for anyone to see,” I said desperately. “I was just...venting. Everybody vents.”
He was silent for a while. “I’m stupid?”
“I didn’t mean it.”
“My parents love my brother more than me?”
“Leon, I was upset. I was so, so upset. I had to find a way to deal with it somehow. I only said those things because... Because you’d gone away and I didn’t know why. And because I like you so much.” My voice wobbled. Don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry.
He sighed.
“Come on. This can’t be unfixable. This is so, so stupid.”
He put his head in his hands. “This is why I think...maybe I had it right over the summer. I don’t know.”
Ouch.
“What do you mean?”
“This is just too much, Emma.”
“Look, I’m sorry. I was mad at you. I mean, I shouldn’t have said it, but don’t you think I had a right to be mad at you?”
“Stop turning this around.”
“I...I’m not turning it around. I’m just explaining myself. It’s not like I just wrote those things without a reason.”
“I can’t do this,” was all he replied, still looking at the floor.
I sat for a moment. Was this really all I was going to get?
“I can’t believe you’re not taking any responsibility for this. Fine, punish me for what I wrote, but how can you not understand why I wrote it?”
Then he shrugged. He shrugged at me.
“I was angry,” I carried on. “Which, by the way, I had every right to be!”
I was yelling by this point. He jumped down from the wall.
“Don’t just walk away! Hey!” I grabbed him. “You can’t just do this! Just blame everything on me and then disappear again? This is NOT all my fault.”
He looked at me then. He looked from my left eye to my right, as if searching in me for something. I wanted so badly to give him whatever it was. He looked so profoundly sorrowful, and full of so many emotions that even then I thought that maybe I’d got through. That maybe we were going to be OK.