by Chloe Seager
“Mum, why are you crying?”
“I don’t know. Why are you?”
“You started it.”
I put my hand on her arm, which had my phone in it. She looked down.
“Who’s that?” she asked.
It was a picture of Greg.
“Er, no one.”
“I thought you and Leon were back together.”
“What? Have you been spying on me again?”
“No. But you got in the bath with your socks on and I sensed he was back in your life.”
“Oh, well. We’re not.”
“Are you with this Greg?”
“No. I’m not. I’m not with anyone.”
“Good,” she said.
“Good?” I snarled. “Why is that good?”
“You shouldn’t go out with someone you think is a consolation prize. It’s not very respectful to them, or yourself.”
And this time I didn’t feel like I could turn it around, or change the subject. I felt gripped with a sudden, paralyzing fear.
“But what if everyone, for the rest of my life, is a consolation prize?”
She laughed. “They won’t be.”
“How do you know?”
“Because I know. Anyway, what’s so bad about being single? Do you think my life is bad?”
“No,” I said, genuinely.
“Well, then.”
I thought for a moment.
“Trust me. Trying to get over Leon by filling the gap with someone else is not going to work. And you don’t need anyone else.”
I looked at her and realized she was speaking from experience. And that I should actually, for once, maybe, and I’m stressing the word maybe, listen to her.
“Are you OK, Mum?”
“Me? Yes, I’m OK, Emma. Are you OK?”
“I think so.”
Then she hugged me. And I let her. For a full two seconds.
POSTED BY EDITINGEMMA 10:31 P.M.
In my room, thinking about what Mum said. Agh, I can’t believe this has all gone so wrong!! In trying to change things all I seem to have done is make them worse! It was all a mistake from the start. This whole mission was flawed. Trying to distract myself through meeting other people didn’t do ANYTHING. All I did was go on some truly awful dates, or drag other people down with me.
Summary of Evidence.
Maybe the people we don’t speak to in real life, we don’t speak to for a reason, i.e. Laurence Myer.
If we alter our personalities online, it doesn’t translate to the real world.
Keep in mind the other person may well be altering their ENTIRE IDENTITY.
Even if you DO meet someone you normally wouldn’t have gone out with and end up liking them, the person you liked first is probably still the one you really want.
= FAIL.
POSTED BY EDITINGEMMA 11:05 P.M.
AND, not only have I hurt lots of other people, but I STILL don’t even like myself. Whoever I’ve been over the last few months I’ve barely liked more than the person I was over summer! I don’t know who I was then, I don’t know who I am now. God, what if this is just...me? I hope my mum was wrong in what she said about my dad, and that people really can change.
Emma Nash @Em_Nasher
Does anyone ever know who they are? Thirty-six-year-olds probably do. Probably
SUNDAY, 26 OCTOBER
POSTED BY EDITINGEMMA 1:50 P.M.
I was just sewing together a new top when I realized the not liking myself thing isn’t entirely true. I like myself when I’m making clothes (and, er, not thinking or speaking). I like myself when I’m hanging out with my friends, and chatting about random, stupid stuff instead of complaining about Leon...
Maybe it’s not so terrible after all. (I mean, still quite terrible, but not so terrible.) So yes, meeting someone else was a fail, but as Mum said: I DON’T NEED ANYONE ELSE. Why haven’t I been focusing on all these other great things I have going on?!?!
After pondering for a while, and taking a lot of deep breaths, I’ve decided that she’s right. I’ve been dating for all the wrong reasons and I don’t think I should do any more of it for a while. I’m ending the mission and I’m not going to bother Greg again, either. What would be the point? Just because I can’t have Leon, it doesn’t mean I really want Greg.
I’ve drafted a sort of goodbye message to him. It says, “I’m really sorry. Hope you’re OK. x” Should I send it? It could be quite patronizing. Or embarrassing, if he’s completely forgotten about it by now.
POSTED BY EDITINGEMMA 2:18 P.M.
Sent it anyway. I needed to say it. I feel a bit better about Greg, and a bit better about Leon, and a bit better about Gracie... Aghhhh. I really wanted a fresh start at the beginning of term, but I’m going to have to have another one after half-term!! Maybe that’s just life... Fresh start after fresh start. Do things ever just get good and stay good?
POSTED BY EDITINGEMMA 9:03 P.M.
New Day, New Blog
Well, it’s not really a new day, technically it’s nine o’clock at night. But any time is fine for an emotional “new day,” I think. I have, once again, decided to take some action in my life. My reasons are fourfold:
The conclusion that trying to get over one person by going out with another doesn’t work.
Having accidentally hurt not only Greg, but also myself and my friends, and not wanting to do that again.
Once again, finding that I don’t like myself very much. And realizing that in order to change this I should probably have a think about who I am, before I start trying to factor in somebody else.
Learning that general stalking is not necessarily a better use for the internet than stalking one person. BUT, in doing so, accidentally rediscovering my love of fashion and designing.
For these reasons I have been once again redesigning my blog, because I am “Editing Emma” in the present tense and therefore can never have too many drafts. Redesign is nearly complete, and I’ve made some new, better resolutions to go with my new, better blog.
EDITING EMMA
(THE SECRET BLOG OF A VERY NEARLY PROPER PERSON)
POSTED BY EDITING EMMA 11:44 P.M.
Today is the day. Today is the day that I, Emma Nash—in light of the above realizations—set upon a mission. I continue to be Editing Emma, only changing direction a little with my “edits”... Because I do still want to make changes in my life, only clearly I was going about it the wrong way.
I’ve made a discovery, that I, in fact, smug as I was, have continued to use the internet incorrectly.
Here’s why:
It is true that my Leon-stalking needed to stop. But replacing Leon by stalking other people doesn’t count. You can’t use other people to make changes in your life... Those changes have to come from you.
I scoffed at Steph’s and my mum’s terrible dating patterns whilst making my own terrible dating pattern: using boys to try and make me happy, and forgetting all the other things that make me happy.
For these reasons, I believe for a long time I have missed out on what the internet has to offer. Over 50 percent of people in THE WORLD have a presence on a social network, and this does mean we have access to get to know all kinds of people we otherwise never would have. It also means we can share our thoughts, ideas and interests with these different people we otherwise never would have met! I am determined to prove to myself in the quest to be an at least 50 percent functional human being that, with the internet’s help, it can and will be done. (I think. Maybe. Let’s give it a try.)
NEW RESOLUTIONS
Don’t worry so much about meeting someone else I like, be a version of MYSELF that I like.
I will do this by:
A) Keeping on making clothes.
B) Focusing on my friendsh
ips.
C) Stopping stalking Leon AND boys in general (perhaps with the exception of Mr. Allen) and really, really trying to not use the internet as a place to mope, moan or unhealthily obsess.
Let this translate to an internet space that is just about me, without e-tweaking myself.
I will do this by:
A) Writing more private posts which AREN’T about Leon.
B) Making a Pinterest board for inspiration.
C) Making a brand-new public blog, purely dedicated to my fashion pursuits.
Behold...my new blog(s).
* * * * *
ACKNOWLEDGMENTS
First and foremost thank you to my mum, best friend and first reader—if we were the last two people on Earth we’d probably be just fine. Or kill each other.
I couldn’t have written this book without the countless laughs (and occasional arguments) shared with Nell, Rachel, Catie and Sarah, my best friends from school (or my “muses.”) We managed to put up with each other through the awkward and sometimes awful teenage years, as I imagine we will do for the rest of our lives.
Thank you also to my incredibly supportive boyfriend, Patrick. I know I must have bored you to death asking you about the placement of EVERY SINGLE WORD but you never once showed it.
One person I will never be able to thank enough is Lauren Gardner at Bell Lomax Moreton, for believing in Emma from the beginning. Your input has been invaluable and your moral support kept me going throughout the whole excruciatingly nerve-racking process. (You even managed to make submission fun?!)
A massive thank-you to Anna Baggaley (I still feel so amazed/privileged that you wanted to add Emma to your very special list!), the fab Lucy Richardson and the whole team at HQ for being generally awesome and brilliant at what they do.
Huge thanks to Tashya Wilson and the Harlequin Teen team in the US—you’ve been fantastic to work with and made it so much fun. I’m beyond happy that Emma gets to travel stateside.
And to anyone else who’s given me advice/guidance/let me pick their brains along the way. Emma and I are eternally grateful for your infinite wisdom.
ISBN-13: 9781488095221
Dating Disasters of Emma Nash
First published as Editing Emma by HarperCollins Publishers Ltd., London, UK, in 2017
This edition published by Harlequin TEEN, 2018
Copyright © 2017 by Chloe Seager
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