There are more layers to consent, too, as is seen in A. S. King’s Ask the Passengers. Astrid isn’t ready to take her relationship with Dee as far as Dee wants to, and the message here is that not explicitly saying no isn’t the same as being enthusiastic, consenting, and saying yes. In Leila Sales’s This Song Will Save Your Life, there’s a scene where Vicky witnesses a group of guys attempting to make out with a drunk girl. She approaches them, firmly stating that the girl is too drunk to consent, and rather than leave the drunk girl there or wait to hear pushback from the boys, Vicky takes the girl out of the situation.
Another great example of consent is in Katie Cotugno’s How to Love. Sawyer asks Reena if she’s ready for sex—twice—and waits for her solid yes before going further.
AMBER: One of the big ideas in this book is that young women can and should take charge of their sexuality, whether that means saying yes or saying no. Do you have any favorite examples of sexually empowered female characters?
KELLY: One of my favorite depictions of female sexuality is in the animated TV sitcom Bob’s Burgers. Tina, the oldest daughter, always has sex on her mind in a way that’s usually depicted with male characters. Her friends and family tease her about it but it’s in good fun, rather than ridicule or degradation. They don’t suggest that writing erotic fan fiction is going to kill her. They don’t tell her that being in love with boys or butts or finding other people’s sex lives fascinating is wrong. Instead, she can explore her own sexual desires in a safe space.
Trish Doller’s Where the Stars Still Shine is one of the only books featuring a boy giving a girl oral sex. Main character Callie enjoys every single second of it without shame. She reclaims her own pleasure after experiencing sexual violence, showcasing that each person’s healing process after victimization is unique. There’s no set of standards, no rule book.
In Sex & Violence by Carrie Mesrobian, sexually empowered Baker is confident in herself. She teases Evan without being mean. It’s a playful reminder that not all girls who like sex are easy.
Isla in Stephanie Perkins’s Isla and the Happily Ever After is empowered, too. When she and Josh begin their relationship, he teases her about her experiences since she’s quiet and shy. She isn’t naive, and their relationship is physical from the beginning in a way she wants and enjoys immensely. That the bulk of their relationship is physical is something she desires.
Sara Zarr and Tara Altebrando’s Roomies also depicts sexuality in a positive and empowering way. Both Elizabeth and Lauren are in relationships throughout the story. One of the girls loses her virginity, while the other doesn’t, but there’s no shaming of one girl from the other, and the sexual experience is realistically portrayed.
Amy Spalding’s Ink Is Thicker than Water is one of the most honest depictions of sexual awkwardness—and autonomy—in young adult literature. Kellie had the opportunity to have sex with Oliver prior to the start of the novel and chose not to. Ever since, she’s worried her chances of ever having a relationship with him again are gone. If she’d hurt him before by saying no, why would he want to pursue her? But Oliver does. As their relationship develops, Kellie constantly questions her readiness, but when she decides to have sex with him, she understands the role sex can play in their relationship and that she gets to make her own decision about it. What’s especially great is that the sex is awkward and strange for Kellie to think and talk about, and it’s awkward in the moment too. It’s refreshingly realistic.
In terms of stories featuring female main characters having and enjoying sex without shame—both female-male and female-female sex—some worth mentioning include Jenny Downham’s Before I Die, The DUFF by Kody Keplinger, The Fault in Our Stars by John Green, and Far from You by Tess Sharpe.
AMBER: From your perspective as a teen librarian, what’s missing?
KELLY: We’re missing a lot of sexual identities and sexual preferences in teen-focused media—asexuality, pansexuality, gender fluidity. We need more depictions of sexual exploration and experimentation, especially where the girl’s satisfaction and curiosity are at the forefront. I’d also like to see more books about virginity as a choice.
More books featuring characters of all colors and backgrounds are a must. We could also be better about portraying disabled characters and their sexuality in a way that’s not just about the mechanics. Recently, writer Kayla Whaley talked about this in a really brave blog post called “Disability, Self- Esteem, and Sex” (disabilityinkidlit.wordpress.com/2013/07/02/kayla-whaley-disability-self-esteem-and-sex).
Teen readers deserve more scenes portraying masturbation, more pleasure, more self-awareness in sex. They deserve more words too. It’s great to see sexually progressive and empowering sex scenes in the media, but I’d love to see conversations using real and accurate language to talk about abstinence and consent, love and lust, desires and values. This is the kind of language that teens could become comfortable using with sexual partners and peers, and as young adults in a wider world.
Sex is a continual learning process.
There’s not one single right way to have a sex life.
Resources
Websites
Scarleteen
A grassroots support organization dedicated to bringing inclusive, comprehensive, and smart sexuality information and help to young people.
www.scarleteen.com
Advocates for Youth
A resource to help young people make informed and responsible decisions about their reproductive and sexual health.
www.advocatesforyouth.org
Sex, Etc.
Honest, accurate information about sex by and for teens.
sexetc.org
Sex+
A frank video series about sexuality with Laci Green.
www.youtube.com/user/lacigreen
Bedsider
An online birth control support network for young women.
bedsider.org
Planned Parenthood
An organization dedicated to delivering reproductive healthcare and sex education to people around the world.
www.plannedparenthood.com
The F Bomb
An online community created by and for young people who care about women’s rights.
thefbomb.org
Teen Feminist
The blog of teen activist Jules Spector.
www.teenfeminist.com
Youth Resource
A website by and for lesbian, gay, bisexual, transgender, and questioning young people.
www.youthresource.org
Trans Lifeline
An organization dedicated to the well-being of transgender people.
www.translifeline.org
RAINN: The Rape, Abuse & Incest National Network
An anti-sexual-violence organization that offers support to victims of sexual assault.
www.rainn.org
National Sexual Assault Telephone Hotline 1-800-656-HOPE (4673)
Books
S-E-X: The All-You-Need-To-Know Progressive Sexuality Guide to Get You through High School and College by Heather Corinna (Da Capo Press, 2007)
SEX: A Book for Teens by Nikol Hasler (Zest Books, 2010)
100 Questions You’d Never Ask Your Parents: Straight Answers to Teens’ Questions about Sex, Sexuality, and Health by Elisabeth Henderson and Nancy Armstrong, MD (Roaring Brook Press, revised edition, 2013)
Body Drama: Real Girls, Real Bodies, Real Issues, Real Answers by Nancy Amanda Redd (Gotham, 2007)
Dating Smarts: What Every Teen Needs to Know to Date, Relate, or Wait by Amy Lang (Birds + Bees + Kids, 2014)
GLBTQ: The Survival Guide for Gay, Lesbian, Bisexual, Transgender, and Questioning Teens by Kelly Huegel (Free Spirit Publishing, revised second edition, 2011)
Beyond Magenta: Transgender Teens Speak Out by Susan Kuklin (Candlewick, 2015)
Articles
“Teen Sex: It’s Complicated,” a series of essays by teens about sex, The Huffington Post, 2015, www.huffingtonpost.
com/news/teen-sex-its-complicated.
“Safe, Sound & Sexy: A Safer Sex How-To,” Scarleteen, written 2001, updated 2014, www.scarleteen.com/article/bodies/safe_sound_sexy_a_safer_sex_howto.
“17 Lies We Need to Stop Teaching Girls about Sex” by Julianne Ross, Identities.Mic, 2014, http://mic.com/articles/88029/17-lies-we-need-to-stop-teaching-girls-about-sex.
“17 Lies We Need to Stop Teaching Boys about Sex” by Julianne Ross, Identities.Mic, 2014, http://mic.com/articles/89301/17-lies-we-need-to-stop-teaching-boys-about-sex.
Reassurance for Parents
Many of us are deeply involved in our children’s lives. We help with homework. We cheer from the sidelines of soccer fields. We sew costumes for the school play. Day in and day out we are there to help them navigate challenges with friends or difficulties at school.
But when it comes to fostering their understanding and experience of sex—
Gulp!
It can be really hard to know what to do. We don’t really want to think about their sex lives, and they don’t really want to think about ours. Often it is easier to say nothing at all. But sex isn’t a switch that stays in the off position until we have them safely out of the house. No matter how squeamish it makes us, our kids are probably going to eventually have sex.
Girls report sexual thoughts and physical sensations as early as elementary school.36 The onset of puberty intensifies these feelings as their bodies catch up, ready for the biological imperative to reproduce. By the end of high school, 70 percent of high school seniors are sexually active.37
We need to be talking a whole lot more about sex a whole lot earlier, especially because very few schools offer comprehensive sex education (meaning nonjudgmental, complete, accurate, and positive). The curriculum in the twenty-two states that require sex ed is far more influenced by politics than biology.
Typically the focus is on basic anatomy and prevention of pregnancy and sexually transmitted infections, with an emphasis on abstinence. What’s missing is a framework for young people to discuss the multifaceted nature of sexuality, the diverse ways we can be sexual with each other, and the development of our sexual selves.
If we as parents are not participating in ongoing conversations about sexuality, the only sources of information available to teenagers are their friends, books, and, increasingly, pornography, a very poor way to learn about sex.
My encouragement to you is this—engage.
Keep an eye out for openings into conversations about sex and sexuality. They are everywhere in our daily lives, from magazine covers in the grocery store to Modern Family episodes to news coverage of the latest sex scandal. Each is an opportunity for us to talk about our values and our experiences around sex.
These conversations are not The Talk.
You can forget The Talk. (That’s a relief, I know.)
When we take every opportunity to engage our kids in open conversations about healthy sexuality, we are empowering our daughters to ask questions and speak up for themselves in sexually charged situations. They will be able to say I’m not ready for that or You have to use a condom.
Talking doesn’t mean doing. Contrary to what some believe, learning about sex does not make teenagers run out and hook up with the first available partner. Rather, research shows that good sex education delays the onset of sexual activity.38
And you are not in this alone. There are some great resources out there. I urge you to check out For Goodness Sex: Changing the Way We Talk to Teens about Sexuality, Values, and Health by Al Vernacchio. This book should be on every parent’s bedside table. Below is a list of other books, articles, and websites that will help get you started.
I know these conversations might be hard at first but I promise it will get easier. You can do it! And trust me, it’s worth it—for us, for our daughters, and for the strong women they are becoming.
Resources for Parents
Advocates for Youth: Parents’ Sex Ed Center
A site dedicated to helping parents be positive sex education resources for teens.
www.advocatesforyouth.org/parents-sex-ed-center-home
Birds + Bees + Kids
Newsletter and resources for parents from sex educator Amy Lang.
www.birdsandbeesandkids.com
For Goodness Sex: Changing the Way We Talk to Teens about Sexuality, Values, and Health by Al Vernacchio (HarperCollins, 2014)
“17 Lies We Need to Stop Teaching Girls about Sex” by Julianne Ross (mic.com/articles/88029/17-lies-we-need-to-stop-teaching-girls-about-sex)
“17 Lies We Need to Stop Teaching Boys about Sex” by Julianne Ross (mic.com/articles/89301/17-lies-we-need-to-stop -teaching-boys-about-sex)
“Teen Sex Isn’t the Problem (But Thinking It Is Sure Is)”
An article in Everyday Feminism by Ellen Friedrichs (January 5, 2015).
everydayfeminism.com/2015/01/teen-sex
“Teen Sex: It’s Complicated”
A series of essays by teens about sex.
www.huffingtonpost.com/news/teen-sex-its-complicated
Ten Talks Parents Must Have with Their Children about Sex and Character by Dr. Pepper Schwartz and Dominic Cappello (Hyperion, 2000)
Acknowledgments
There were three inspirations for this book.
The first was an article written by author Ferrett Steinmetz for The Good Men Project called Dear Daughter: I Hope You Have Awesome Sex, a brilliant response to the cultural cliché of dads with shotguns guarding their daughters’ chastity. I hope this book succeeds in expanding on his central themes of sex positivity and sexual autonomy.
The second inspiration was a snippet of conversation between two parents that I overheard at my son’s soccer game. One mom asked, “Is your son interested in girls yet?” The other responded, “I don’t know. I don’t want to know.” This is typical of many moms I have met in the course of writing this book. Not bad parents, just ill-equipped to help their kids navigate this part of becoming an adult.
The third and most important inspiration was my children. Every word was written with them in mind. I was guided by the hope that they will grow into adults for whom sex is a joyful, positive part of life. They patiently, and with good humor, tolerated “Mom’s sex book” and even joined in the conversation.
I am also grateful to Michelle McCann, who championed The V-Word from the very beginning; my writing group, the Viva Scrivas; my interviewees, who were so generous with their time and expertise; and to all the parents who found out I was working on this book and grabbed onto it like a lifeline. A huge thank you also goes out to the team at Beyond Words Publishing and Simon & Schuster for the hard work of so many on behalf of this book.
There is always an inner circle. They come bearing wine and Kleenex and encouragement and the belief that I am capable of translating an idea into a real book. Thank you, Kiersi Burkhart, for being the first one on the roller coaster. Thank you, Elizabeth Rusch, for reminding me at every turn that this work was important and beautiful. Thank you, Fiona Kenshole, for making me tea and eggs and being the best knight-in-shining-armor a writer could ask for.
And thank you, Seth Isenberg, for ALL THE THINGS!
The beating heart of The V-Word is, of course, the brave women who shared their stories within its pages. Each of them dug deep and then went deeper into experiences that were sometimes painful, sometimes embarrassing, but always honest to the core. I am in awe.
Contributors
About the Author
Amber J. Keyser did not anticipate writing a book about sex for young adults. In fact, she’s always been closemouthed about her own sexual history. But through her work on The V-Word, she came to believe that engaging in honest conversations about sex with young people is her responsibility as a parent and as a woman. Everyone deserves a deeply pleasurable and wholly chosen sex life. That doesn’t happen by accident. Amber’s other work includes numerous nonfiction titles and the young adult novel The Way Back from Broken (Carolrhoda Lab, 2015). L
earn more about her work at www.amberjkeyser.com and on Twitter at @amberjkeyser.
“Wanting Everything” Copyright © 2015 by Amber J. Keyser
About the Contributors
Molly Bloom is the nom de plume for an author of books for children and young adults. She grew up in a small town in the Midwest but she currently makes her home in New York City. She sports the words of Molly Bloom, from James Joyce’s Ulysses, on her arm: “and yes I said yes I will Yes.”
“Power in the Blood” Copyright © 2015 by Molly Bloom
Kiersi Burkhart was raised as a cowgirl in Colorado, and even though she now lives in Portland, Oregon, she has never forgotten her frontier roots. Her debut middle-grade novel Shy Girl and Shy Guy releases in 2016 and taps into her love of stories about bravery, friendship, and horses. Find out more about Kiersi on Twitter at @kiersi and at www.kiersi.com.
“The First Rule of College” Copyright © 2015 by Kiersi Burkhart
Chelsey Clammer has been published in The Rumpus, Essay Daily, and The Water~Stone Review among many others. She is the managing editor and nonfiction editor for The Doctor T. J. Eckleburg Review, the essays editor for The Nervous Breakdown, and senior creative editor of www.insideoutediting.com. Her first collection of essays, BodyHome, was released from Hopewell Publishing in Spring 2015. Her second collection of essays, There Is Nothing Else to See Here, was published by the Lit Pub in Summer 2015. You can read more of her writing at www.chelseyclammer.com.
“Ear Muffs for Muff Diving” Copyright © 2015 by Chelsey Clammer
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