In the end it was one of the mother’s she knew from the school who provided a solution for her. The mother employed a Swedish au-pair who looked after her children, because both she and her husband worked full-time and long hours. They were all going on holiday during the two weeks of Christmas recess and the au-pair was going to remain in England and take these two weeks off. The family did not need the services of the au-pair whilst they were on vacation and the au-pair was saving up money to eventually commence her University education, so she was not going back home to Sweden for Christmas. This arrangement would be ideal for her as she would make some extra cash. Julia was thrilled and even more so when she spoke to the au-pair. When she was introduced to her she had immediately recognised her, she had often seen her at the school gates and wondered whether she was the mother of anyone there or an older sister as she looked very young. Julia discovered that she was nineteen; however, she could easily have passed for sixteen. She had obtained her British driving license and had her own second-hand car so she could easily take the children to all their activities during the mornings when Julia would be at work. More important than this was her attitude, she was a child herself in that she was bubbling with energy and ideas of where she could take the children. Julia really warmed to her and felt confident that the children would be in safe hands whilst she was at work. The girls would certainly love her and she was sure that even Andrew, who could be very hard-headed at times, would get on well with her. Julia felt a pang of sadness when she realised that she would not spend so much time with the kids in their holidays as she had done previous Christmases; however, she had too many exciting thoughts about work to dwell on. She was looking forward to the Christmas drinks that were planned with her colleagues and in addition to this there was an official staff party for staff and their partners. Julia was really looking forward to this as she had told Ben so much about her colleagues and this would be the first time when he would actually meet them. She was also looking forward to her Christmas bonus. The bonus was a percentage of her wages which was determined by her performance. Since it would be calculated pro-rata for the weeks she had worked even if she got an outstanding performance bonus it would not be very high as she had only worked for a short time, however, it would be an indication of her achievements so far, so Julia couldn’t wait to find out how much she had got. Anna the colleague whose desk was closest to Julia’s had told her that the bonus was not included in the usual wage which was paid by direct transfer to their bank accounts, but the CEO would call each staff member to her office a few days before Christmas and hand them the cheque and congratulate them personally. The bonus had also been a strong motivating factor for Julia over the past weeks and it was not the first time that she had caught up on emails late at night after Ben had gone up to sleep or early in the morning, whilst Ben was out on his morning jog. At times she purposely queried certain emails and blind copied the CEO on email replies to show that she was putting in far more hours than she was getting paid for.
As the children opened their advent calendars Julia also found herself counting down the days left to Christmas. This year her list of pre-Christmas errands was even longer and it was harder to tick off the items on the list. Finding time to go Christmas shopping without the children was an impossible feat and with the children in tow it always took her triple the time as the children kept stopping at toy shops and wanting to look at the Christmas decorations. The shopping mall was a hive of activity and holding on to Laura’s hand whilst keeping an eye on the older children with stacks of shopping bags was not easy. Julia didn’t want to ask for too much help from Ben as she didn’t want him to criticise anything about her job and she would hate it if he pointed out that because of work she was not coping with things. She was trying to do her best to juggle so many balls and it was sometimes exhausting just thinking about it. However, what kept her going was the realisation that being so busy meant she was happier. She had less time to think about that emptiness that had tormented her throughout her life. She felt complete because she could ignore the things which caused her to be unhappy. Her mind was so busy occupied with all the tasks at hand that she did not have time to dwell on that which caused her to doubt, to fear and to query.
Chapter 22
As Christmas approached Julia couldn’t help thinking more about Sophia, the 23rd of December was only days away and soon a year would have passed since the attack. Julia had seen very little progress in her friend’s behaviour over the year. Thinking back to how she had turned up on her kitchen doorstep, she realised that she was lucky that Sophia had recovered physically from the attack but mentally things were more different. It was as if someone had blown out Sophia’s candle, her life was now in darkness and Julia had not managed to rekindle the light that had once been so bright inside her. Sophia still did not talk about the future or any attempt to return to the way her life was before the attack. She had shut out everyone from her life and had Julia not spotted Sophia’s mother leaving the house she would probably have thought that she was her friend’s only point of contact with the outside world.
The house was still for sale. A year ago, Julia was sure that buyers would have snatched it up. She could imagine Sophia glamorously showing people around the house and the buyer purchasing the house eluding himself that he could purchase a bit of what Sophia possessed. She would be dazzling the buyers and showing off her home like a famous diva or movie star, her perfectly manicured hands pointing to the priceless works of art and highlighting various features. Her tone would be enticing and flirtatious. The estate agent would just trudge behind unwanted and useless at that point in time, all attention would be on Sophia, who like a seductive nymph, would show the buyers the enchanted forest.
Despite the magnificence of the house in the past year the house had not been maintained. The garden was overgrown, the lawn was screaming to be trimmed and the fountain was full of dead leaves. Tree branches were overhanging the drive so that when someone got out of the car the branches brushed against their hair and clothes. Inside the house there were other tell-tale signs. The air inside was stagnant, evidence that Sophia never bothered to air the rooms and it was clear that Sophia had never touched a duster or a broom in a long time. Julia wished she could point these things out to Sophia; however, she was secretly glad that this meant that Sophia would stay in this house longer. She couldn’t imagine having to drive even further away to visit her friend.
Julia worried that perhaps Sophia might not overcome this state she had fallen into. She was sure that she had entered some kind of depression. Her hair and clothes were always the same and she didn’t seem to care about anything around her. She only seemed to look forward to Julia’s visits. These she always relished and Julia never turned up at her house to have her turned away or sent away before she was ready to go. She had thought a lot about what she could do, however she had now exhausted all options. Perhaps it was just more time that she needed, but how long? Would it take another year? Could it be more than that? What if Sophia never returned to the way she had once been? Perhaps that part of her was now buried so deep inside her that it would never resurface.
At times Julia attempted to mention past events in an attempt to get Sophia to open up. She had once spotted Julian’s mug at the back of the kitchen cupboard. There were no other traces that Julian had ever lived there. His side of the walk-in wardrobe he had once shared with Sophia was empty; the empty clothes hangers being the only sign that there had once been something. His toiletry items had been removed from the bathroom and his golf-clubs were no longer stacked behind the door. It was only the mug that had been overlooked. Clearly in his haste to pack and leave he had forgotten to check the kitchen’s contents. The mug was a personalised one and had a picture of Sophia and Julian on a sandy beach. Sophia was wearing a white bikini and Julian was wearing shorts and flip-slops. They both looked tanned and happy, like two love-birds their heads touching each other’s in a romantic embrace. Julia had p
ushed the mug out slightly away from the dozens of other mugs so that Sophia would surely notice it. Perhaps she would break down in tears at the sight of it. Perhaps she would scream at the memories it brought; but, certainly, anything was better than this state she was in. Julia would hold her in her arms as she would break down and recount all the horrors of the attack, however this moment never came. Even when Julia felt bold enough to broach the subject, Sophia always managed to cleverly dismiss it and Julia was never persistent enough to get Sophia to open up. She needed to find out what had happened, perhaps just as much as Sophia needed to come to terms with what had happened. However, Julia was afraid that this was not the correct strategy. Perhaps it was wrong of her to push Sophia into opening up. What guarantee did she have that if Sophia opened up to her Sophia would get better? Perhaps recounting the horror of it all would cause her even more pain and despair; perhaps it was not such a bad idea to let the past be buried.
Julia wished she knew what the correct decision to take was; she had never experienced anything even close to this before and she felt that she couldn’t seek help from anyone else, because in seeking help she would be betraying her friend. She had thought of trying to contact Sophia’s mother; however, she did not have her contact details and she never had the opportunity to snoop behind Sophia’s back and Sophia never left her in her home alone.
At times she tried to picture how Sophia would cope once the house was finally sold. She couldn’t imagine Sophia packing up her belongings and liaising with the removal personnel to transport her possessions. Perhaps she would ask her mother for help in this after all, she had turned to her mother for help to sell the house and not to Julia. Julia knew that although she would have liked to be the one to whom Sophia had turned to, she would not have been able to help her much as she was too busy with all the other activities going on in her life. She couldn’t imagine where she would find the time to help Sophia pack. She could hardly find the energy to brush her teeth and remove her make-up before going to bed at night. Although her mind was busy with activity, her body was weary with the exhaustion of it all.
There had been a time when Julia had envied all that Sophia had. Sophia had a more beautiful home, men at her feet, glamour, excitement and beauty. She had a challenging career, whereas Julia had none, it was only in terms of family life that Julia had the upper-hand. She knew that although she envied all that Sophia had, deep down she would never have wanted this life in exchange for hers. However, now looking at what Sophia had it broke her heart to realise that she had lost so much. The attack had damaged her, not only in tainting her physical beauty, but in extinguishing that inner spirit inside her. Once this inner spirit had been destroyed all the castles around began bursting into thin air, even Sophia’s house was losing the appeal it once had. Whereas, before Sophia had injected life into everything she touched like some deviant of the Midas’s touch, now death and decay were all around her, perhaps most prominently in her head.
At times Julia had turned to prayer to eliminate the anger she felt and to try and understand the meaning of all this. Why had God allowed this to happen to Sophia and why had God allowed this to happen to Julia? Was it some sort of test, determining how much she was able to take care of her friend in her hour of need she would be rewarded with her friendship? What if this was not the reward she was meant to receive? What it the reward was something that she would obtain after death? These thoughts made Julia feel even more insecure and afraid. Sophia had always been the stronger of the two; now the roles had been cruelly reversed. Julia knew that she had no choice but to be strong for both of them. She had to believe that Sophia would one day emerge from this hopeless state of shock and despair that she was now living in.
Chapter 23
The morning of the 23rd December couldn’t have been more different than it had been a year ago. For starters there was no rain. Julia couldn’t believe it: the sky was a light shade of blue with low fluffy clouds in the distance; save for the early morning dew there was not one drop of rain in sight. The air outside was biting cold and the temperatures had dropped in the past few days; however, in all this coldness the sun was attempting to feebly shine through. Even before she had downed her first mug of coffee Julia relished the good feeling she had inside her. The children had commenced their holidays and even more importantly Ben was at home today and they would all be at home together right up till Boxing day when both had to return to work and the new loaned au-pair would resume her duties with the children.
Julia had great plans for the day, all five of them were to drive to Longleat and spend the entire day there in the beautiful grounds. Julia set about preparing the picnic basket for a lunch and snacks for the day. She filled up the thermos with boiling hot coffee and put in a packet of peach juice for the children. She then set about preparing a variety of sandwiches: mayonnaise, egg and cress for Ben and herself, tuna for Andrew, cheese and cucumber for Emma and ham sandwiches for Laura. She also prepared a pasta salad. She had bought coloured pasta shapes which once cooked she mixed with a variety of coloured vegetables and olive oil. She was very pleased with the end result as it looked very colourful and appetising. She placed the pasta in a large Tupperware container also packing five forks and paper napkins. Next she filled a smaller Tupperware container with some seedless grapes she had bought for half-price the day before. She managed to fit this into the picnic basket and finally placed in two family sized chocolate bars. There was one with nuts and fruit and a plain one for the children. She was now all set to go.
By the time the children woke up and were dressed ready to go Julia had managed to fill up the entire boot of the car. She had placed the large picnic basket in there and had also packed in an extra bag with a change of clothing for Laura. The last thing she wanted to do was drive all the way there and having to return because of an accident. She had then placed the children’s thick rain jackets on the picnic basket. It still seemed like it would not rain, however she knew that she should not risk it. In a separate canvas bag she had rolled in the large picnic blanket, one of Laura’s dolls, Andrew’s football and two books which Ben and herself were currently reading.
Before leaving Julia ran around the house checking that all lights were off, that the newspapers and milk had been brought in, all windows were firmly locked and the alarm system had been activated. Ben was doing the driving today so Julia could just sit back and enjoy the lush, green scenery. The children were chatting noisily in the back. They had brought with them some packets of sweets. Normally Julia would not have permitted them to skip breakfast and start binging on sweets, however today she felt she could be generous. She wanted to make the most of the day and had been eager to leave.
As the fields rolled by one after another Julia felt lulled by the motion of the car, the music on the car speakers and the sun shining through the car windows. Julia put down the passenger’s window and felt the cold air hit her warm cheeks. The air burned her face with its coldness, yet Julia lapped it up like some hungry dog. Her mind was wandering far way. She thought about her job, the plans she had for the year to come, she thought a lot about Ben and about the notebook she still kept in her bedroom drawer hidden beneath her bed socks. Julia tried to push away the negative thoughts which frightened and disturbed her and to focus on the present. She tried to focus on the cold air on her face, on her warm hands in her thick woollen gloves, on the sound of the music blaring on the radio and on the giggling and laughter coming from the back seats.
Julia turned round and looked at Ben. He sensed her looking at his face and turned briefly to look at her before turning his eyes back on the road. Julia noticed that his hair had started greying at the temples, had this just happened or had it been there but she had failed to notice it? Ben was wearing a sweater she had bought him as a birthday present around three years ago. The sweater was thick and chunky and made him look bigger and more muscular. She could smell his faint aftershave from here. This was mixed with the sickly sweet s
mell of the fruit pastilles the children were eating. He also had some faint wrinkles around his eyes. She wondered if he had noticed the first signs of aging on her too. She pictured the two of them as old grandparents driving their grandchildren around. Would she still find him attractive then? She couldn’t imagine how. The thought of her own body aging threw her into a panic let alone seeing Ben’s body in that state. But surely she was just being silly. Perhaps they would both grow old gracefully as Sophia’s mum had done. This brought her back to thinking about Sophia. It was such a lovely day. She felt ill at the thought of her friend cooped up all alone in that huge cold house like a beautiful butterfly, which had been mistakenly locked inside: fluttering behind the window panes looking lonely at the garden outside. However, she knew that her first duties were to her family. Soon her children would grow up and such family outings would be a thing of the past, she had to make the most of what she had now. She had to live in the moment and stop thinking about things which were beyond her power to change. It was no fault of hers that Sophia had ended up like this so she needed to stop feeling guilty; she was about to spend an enjoyable day with her family whereas her best friend was locked in her prison.
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