Julia wasn’t sure how long she kept staring at the folder. For her it seemed like hours; however Ben’s voice from upstairs made her realise that it must have been only a few minutes. She couldn’t think of what to do, the shock of seeing that name on Ben’s computer was too much to allow her to think rationally. It was as if she had stopped breathing and her brain was shutting down from the lack of oxygen. She felt a loss of coordination as if she had drunk more than one glass of wine. It took a tremendous effort to stop her hand from shaking and she could only do so by holding her hand firmly in the other hand. She knew that she had to open the folder but she was petrified to do so. An inner voice inside her told her that it was dangerous to do so. She didn’t need to know what was inside. It was safer to live in oblivion. Knowing what was inside the folder was dangerous. It was harmful, threatening and destructive. Like a Pandora’s Box the forces of evil would be unleashed and they could never be tamed again. The world she had known so far, which was safe and controlled would be lost forever. Julia knew that she was bordering on the hysterical, she was fighting the urge to scream, frightened that Ben would come rushing down to see what had happened, to find her sobbing and shaking in the kitchen and he would hug her, comfort her and scold her like a young child; reassuring her that she was just being silly, how could she even think that about him. There was of course a logical explanation to why he kept a folder with her best friend’s name. He would give her the logical explanation. She had misread the name and it wasn’t actually Sophia but the letters of the acronym, so Sophia was really S.O.P.H.I.A and this was the name of one of the projects he was working on, or perhaps it contained the documents of a Bulgarian tender, there were endless reasons; however, Julia could not think of one that managed to convince her.
Julia reached over to her wine glass and gulped down the rest of the wine. The glass was a modern wine glass and had been generously filled so that she immediately felt the liquid warm her up and she was already feeling light-headed. Her stomach felt hollow as if she was swinging up and down on a swing or riding a roller-coaster. She had always hated this feeling and could never understand how people actually paid to feel like that. Julia tried to focus on her breathing; she could visualise the warm air entering her lungs and the even warmer air being expelled from her lungs. She counted each breath out loud, her voice sounded strange and shaky in the empty room, as if it didn’t quite belong to her. She could hear the kitchen clock ticking, the rain still falling on the kitchen windows and somewhere far away there was the sound of something banging in the wind, perhaps it was the lid of the large plastic bin she kept at the bottom of the garden. She listened carefully to check for any sounds which indicated that Ben might have decided to come downstairs, however, all was quiet.
Perhaps she should sleep on it and think about what she should do before taking another step. But what if she was just being paranoid and she could just put an end to her misery and insecurity right now. Why cause herself yet another sleepless night? She could just open the folder right now. She would scroll through the images of the construction and building projects going on perhaps in Bulgaria, shut down and go up to bed. She would let the relief wash right off her and secretly make it up to Ben for having been so suspicious and for having snooped around on his laptop. She hated herself for doing this. She knew that this was an invasion of his privacy and that she did not have the right to be such a control-freak, because in all honesty this was what she was doing. She might have been loathing the way Ben was so meticulous. In fact for her it verged dangerously close to an obsessive compulsive disorder, but perhaps this was because deep down she really wished that she could be half as neat and tidy as he was. Even in the bedroom his side of the walk-in-closet was organised in a military fashion, with nothing amiss or misplaced; whereas her side looked as though a dozen squirrels had spent the past hour rummaging through it with a hotchpotch of scarves, belts, bags and costume jewellery all mixed up together. She was far more organised in other aspects; however, when it came to clothes and shoes she had become quite a hoarder and got emotionally attached to certain items so much so that she found she couldn’t give them away even if they were a size too small or had gone out of fashion years ago.
The more she thought about it the more frightened she felt about opening the folder. A large part of her was dying to find out what it contained, however the other part of her was yelling at her to ignore it to shut down the computer and to forget that she had even seen it. What was the worst that she could possibly discover? She hated to even admit it to herself, but what if Ben was secretly obsessed with Sophia? Was this perhaps the reason why he had always seemed so cold and uninterested in front of her? Was he secretly as mesmerised by Sophia as Julia had always been? This thought unsettled Julia; what if things had gone even further than that? What did the folder contain? What if she opened the folder and discovered photos of Ben and Sophia together. This thought was too frightening to bear. She felt herself sweating all over again. She walked over to the medicine chest which she kept in one of the top cupboards in the kitchen, out of reach of the children. She opened the door of the chest and started scrummaging about amongst various pill boxes, rolls of medical tape, cotton wool, a thermometer, bandages, cough syrups, at least three boxes of paracetamol, safety pins, nasals sprays, ear drops and suppositories. She finally found a small box of antidepressants. She had been prescribed these shortly after Laura’s birth and the expiry date had long elapsed, however she opened the box and took out two tablets. She refilled her glass of wine with what was left in the wine bottle and swallowed the pills. She doubted how effective they would be at calming her anxiety which had reached epic proportions; she contemplated opening another bottle of wine but she did not want to waste too much time. Julia gathered up all the containers that had spilled out of the chest and placed everything back in. Perhaps it was due to her maternal instinct, which reminded her that it was dangerous to leave all this medication in reach of her children, or perhaps it was her procrastinating side of her character which told her to this do. Either way, by the time everything was back in the cupboard Julia was now adamant that she should open the folder. By this time Julia was imagining that she would open the folder to find professional naked pictures of Sophia. Perhaps photos of Sophia in her youth during her days as a model. Or perhaps even worse there would be amateur naked photos of Sophia taken by Ben. She had to know, she had to find out. In the end she was so prepared that she would discover something as shocking as these photos that she was even more shocked to discover that when she opened the folder it didn’t contain photos. The folder contained around twelve word documents. Julia opened one randomly. The documents were named with a four digit number and Julia opened one which she presumed referred to the current year 2016. She was even more surprised when she opened the folder as the folder contained a list of dates. There was a single column with dates listed: 03/02/15, 20/03/16, 25/03/16, 02/04/16, 04/04/16, 20/05/16, 05/06/16 and so on. The last entry was dated 21/12/16. What did they all mean? Julia closed the document and opened another one. Here again the document contained a list of dates; however next to some of the dates there were other numbers so that she found entries such as 15/08/16 – 2 and 28/09/16 – 1. She closed the second document and opened another one; here again were the same frustrating entries it was only when she opened the fourth document that the entries were different. This time the document contained a list of websites. Most of the websites were those of online local newspapers; however, Julia also spotted amongst them the website of the organisation where Sophia worked. Next to the website addresses there was another date. The dates were all dates at the beginning of the year; in fact they were all in January of this year. What did they all mean and how was this list connected to the other lists? Why compile a list of another list of dates? What did they mean? Was it some sort of code? Julia closed the documents and checked on the properties of the first document she had opened, the document that was entitled 2016; she right-clicked
on the icon to check the properties of the document. The document had been created on the 3rd February 2016 and it was last accessed on the 21st December 2016 so this was clearly a document that had been updated throughout the year, perhaps the entries had been updated one by one throughout the year. Julia exited the documents folder and clicked on word, sure enough this document featured in the list of recent documents. What did it mean? She couldn’t understand the significance of these days, she wished she could reopen the files to search for some significance but she risked being caught out. She couldn’t risk being found out now when she was so close to uncovering the truth.
Julia reluctantly shut down the laptop; she unplugged its charger from the wall socket and placed everything back in the laptop bag. The laptop felt warm from having been used, everything around her felt warm, her cheeks were rosy with the wine and the alcohol combined with her anxiety were making her sweat. She switched off the lights and went out into the hall which was warmer still. She placed the laptop back where it had been less than half an hour ago. It was half an hour that had changed so many things. She switched off the lights downstairs checking that the fire guard around the crackling fire was firmly in its place.
Ben had stopped calling her now, she assumed that he had dozed off, she crept upstairs: the lights in the bedroom were still on, as were the lights in the corridor. On automatic pilot she went through the usual routine of checking on the children, adjusting their quilts and seeing that they were tucked in well. She switched off their bedside lights and closed their doors. She went into the bedroom where Ben was peacefully snoring. She quietly collected her flannel pyjamas and headed to the shower. It took all the effort to control herself till she had shut the door, undressed and was directly under the shower head. She had turned the shower head to its coldest setting and the cold water on her warm body left her gasping. It was as if she needed to punish herself for having been so stupid, so blind, so oblivious to what had been going on around her. The cold water soaked right through her and her body reacted by turning colder and colder. Soon her warm tears mingled with the cold water and she cried and cried and cried.
Julia cried for the husband she felt she had lost, for the loss of her best friend and for herself. At that point, all she could see was an envelope of blackness all around her, for what other reason could their possibly be now? She had seen the folder, she had the reference to the website where Sophia worked; what more did she need to know? What did these mean? Did Ben list down this link as it had her work contact details? Was this how he first started meeting her behind her back? She couldn’t understand; he could simply have checked her contacts on her mobile and taken Sophia’s phone number from there? What did all those dates mean? At first, Julia had thought that Ben had been watching her as she had been watching him and that the dates were references to when she had secretly been to Sophia’s house. Maybe he was upset by their friendship so he was spying on her. Maybe he had even suspected that she was having an affair with Sophia. But no she knew it wasn’t so, she couldn’t recall most of the dates but she was certain of two, one was the 2nd April and one was the 20th May and she was absolutely certain that she hadn’t seen Sophia on any of those days as the first was Andrew’s birthday and she could remember how she had spent the day. She had spent a whole morning going round the shops to find the Star Wars toy he had been begging for. The other was the 20th May which was a Parent’s Day, she was sure of it as it was also her mother’s birthday and she definitely had not visited Sophia on those days.
The more Julia cried the more she sank into a deep despair. The implication of what she had seen on Ben’s computer was too frightening. Her cotton wool padding protecting her fragile being had been unravelled and discarded. How could she have been so blind? The thought of what it meant made her brain ache so that she found herself focusing on her hiccupping sobs.
“Eighty seven, eighty eight, eighty nine, ninety ...”
For how long could she go on crying? Would she pass out from crying? Already her eyes felt sore and dry as if she had exhausted all the tears that could possibly be generated. Her skin had turned even whiter with the cold water and her teeth were now chattering. She tried to control this by forcing her mouth open, however, her shivers seemed to have a force of their own. She turned off the water; all was suddenly submerged into quietness. She focused on the drops falling down her hair and onto her cold back. She could feel them running down her back causing shivers down her spine. Her crying had now changed into sobs which she tried to muffle. She didn’t know for how long she had been in the bathroom. Time seemed to be gyrating around her so that she felt confused and unable to think. Her mind kept going back to the dates she had seen on the laptop. What did they mean? A tiny voice inside her kept shouting at her that maybe these were not even dates. Could they simple be strings of three numbers representing something else? But then the voice of doom and destruction would take over, screaming at her that she had been so blind to what had been going on around her. How could she have not noticed? She had spent her time observing Ben, jotting down what she had thought strange but she had not done anything about it. She should have reacted, she should have confronted him, she should at the very least have made an effort to talk to him, to communicate, to thrash things out. There could have been a solution. They could have gone through marriage therapy. They would have gone through it together and worked on their marriage in an attempt to save it. She had chosen to ignore it. She had done nothing about it when she had known all along that there was something going on. She blamed herself, then immediately felt this blame turn into anger for Ben. No, he was the one who had done wrong she refused to take the blame. He was the one who had thrown all these years of marriage away. This thought frightened Julia even more. Did it really mean that it was all over? Could they still work things out? Did Ben love her? Was he planning to leave her? She thought of the children and how they would handle the situation. Her mind pictured them fighting for custody over the kids. Her stomach lurched and she felt that she would be sick. She lay back and rested her head on the cold bath tub. She needed to think, she mustn’t jump to conclusions, she mustn’t let her emotions get the better of her. There were hundreds of other couples who had gone through this. She was not alone. They had even known some friends who had been through this. It didn’t mean that all was over.
The more Julia thought about it the more she came to the decision that she would not approach Ben in this state. A large part of her was tempted to just unlock the bathroom door and lash out at Ben. She would show him how hurt she was, how furious she was that he had betrayed her trust. She felt like screaming at him, scratching him, hurting him and paying him back for the pain she was suffering; but she did not want it to turn her in a sobering mess at his feet, begging him to stay with her. No, she would prepare herself well; she would confront this in a planned manner. She needed to think things over carefully first. She needed to know more. Perhaps she would even confront Sophia first. When she thought of Sophia fresh tears streamed down her face. She was sure there were hundreds of couples who had gone through this, but surely her situation was a million times worse. Hers was a double betrayal. Ben had not simply betrayed her trust through his unfaithfulness but in doing so he had shattered Julia’s friendship with the person who had meant everything to Julia. In Julia’s mind what Ben had done felt almost incestuous as Sophia was so much more than her best-friend. The closest she could come to describing her was as a sister, but even this term fell short as her true sister had never been this close to Julia.
At that point in time Julia could not place any fault on Sophia. In her mind she was already picturing how it had happened. Sophia had turned up to her house broken and weak after the attack by Julian. Perhaps it had been weeks after the attack, perhaps it had been months, it didn’t really matter for how long it had been going on. Whilst Julia had been there for Sophia supporting her and praying for Sophia to recover, to regain her strength, to regain the charm and chari
sma she had once possessed her joie de vivre, Sophia had also turned to Ben for physical intimacy, something that she had lost when Julian had left her and had been replaced by her warm kind Ben. Perhaps Ben had seen it in some warped way as a means of saving Sophia from the depression she had found herself in; maybe it had started off rather innocently. A hug of kindness, a supportive friendship in this terrible time had led to more. Who had started it? Was it really Ben? Was it Sophia? Julia had been angry when she had realised that Sophia’s mother was calling on her daughter, or rather she was angry that Sophia had never mentioned it to her; however it was now blatantly obvious that Sophia had hidden far bigger secrets than this. Perhaps Sophia had been taking Julia for a ride all along. Was she really as defenceless and as weak as Julia had pictured her? How was she meeting up with Ben when Julia had been so sure she never even set foot outside the house? When was this affair happening? Was it when Ben had been putting in those long hours after work before she had recommenced working? Was it during those business trips? How had they managed to meet up in secret without Julia having realised?
Julia had so many questions, but the more she thought about all these questions the more she felt herself calm down. She needed to know more. She would find out more first and then decide how she would tackle this. If two could have been so brilliant at this game of deception then she too would play the game. She would play the game until she was in a strategic position when she would have all the cards in hand and then delve out the winning card.
Julia's Secret Page 17