Julia had not yet figured out when Ben was actually seeing Sophia. A few times she had phoned on his work line giving a fictitious name and when the secretary would put through the call she would hear Ben’s voice on the line and she would hang up. She had only done this a couple of times. She was afraid that the secretary would take note of the phone number on her ID caller and phone back or even worse inform Ben about it. She didn’t want to risk getting caught in these petty games. She needed to focus on the core of the problem; however the desperation at finding out more was gnawing deep inside her. When was he meeting Sophia? He always seemed to be in the office when he said he was going there. At one point Julia even desperately contemplated keeping a log of the mileage on his car fuel tank. He drove approximately six miles to his office and back so any extra mileage meant that he was going elsewhere, but this was too far away a shot to mean anything. Perhaps he was also using the car for work meetings. The possibilities were endless: it was too difficult to find out something in this way.
She thought of trying to obtain information from Sophia. She didn’t have the time to spy on her friend, but perhaps in her next visit she could think of an excuse to get Sophia out of the room for a few minutes so she could have a look around. Surely there must be some other evidence that this affair was still going on. What did she hope to find? Love notes to one another stuck with a holiday magnet to her fridge? An item which Ben had left behind? She knew that this would not work either. She needed to think of something better. She needed to think of a plan. The search for more information was killing her inch by inch. It was a mantra that she repeated to herself. She needed to know when it had started, who had initiated it? What did it mean? Was it companionship or just sex? What if it was love? What if they both had fallen for each other? After all Ben was risking losing all he had so would he have thrown everything away for a fling? Julia was sure that Ben had been faithful to her throughout the previous years, so Sophia must mean more than just sex to him. What if he was as obsessed with her as Julia had been and in reality still was? What was behind all her hurt and pain? Was it the hurt and pain of a woman whose husband was sleeping with her best friend or what it more than that? The pain of the exclusion from it all. The pain of wanting to be loved by these two people who had instead chosen to love one another and not her.
On many occasions she had come close to talking to Ben. She would plan the course of the conversation, but she would always back off at the last minute. Not knowing was slowly killing her; however hearing about it would surely be like a fatal stab wound. How could she bear hearing the sordid details? Would he even tell her the details? What if he admitted that she fell short in all respects compared to Sophia? Did she really want Ben to tell her how perfect Sophia was? What was she hoping to achieve through this torture, she already knew that Sophia had this affect. After all, she was the very first of the two who had fallen under her bewitchment.
Julia had never managed to access Ben’s computer again. On two occasions she had come close to succeeding, however she was interrupted on both occasions. Perhaps Ben had realised that she had accessed those files and this is why he wasn’t bringing his laptop home. Perhaps he too had checked the history on his computer and realised that she had been snooping around. The image of those dates still haunted her. What else could they have meant? The numbers were still a mystery to her. Was he actually listing the times he had made love to her? Was this possible? Ben had never struck her as being this sort of person. It was something totally not in his character. She was the one who was obsessed with lists and writing things down. She could imagine herself in this situation doing just that. After all the dates she had seen and the numbers besides them were strikingly similar in their rationale to what she had been jotting down in her notebook. Perhaps the numbers were a code for a meeting place. 1 might mean they had met at Sophia’s place and 2 might mean what? Was it Ben’s place? Was this possible? All the past year Julia had felt guilty that she had stopped inviting Sophia to her home but ironically her husband was doing so? How sick was this becoming? How devious could both persons be to have treated Julia in this way? No, it was not possible. Julia had to cling to the fact that at least this hadn’t happened in her home, in her own bed. However, did it really make things any better? Did the dimension of space and time really have any meaning in this catastrophe?
Julia knew that she was now just going round and round in circles. She wasn’t getting anywhere close to the truth. She had thought of every possible scenario since she had discovered those documents, but they were all speculations. The affair was becoming an obsession to her. Was it normal to react this way? Did every woman react the way she was? She would never know the questions to this answer. You would hardly find this sort of information in a manual. This brought a smile to her lips; she pictured the heavy book: A wife’s appropriate behaviour during her husband’s fling. Perhaps it would list the polite way she should refer to her husband’s mistress. If she was his better half what was a mistress his worse half? The person who caused him to sin and to end the rest of his days dammed in hell? She imagined Sophia in a devil’s costume, but try as she might she could never imagine Sophia as ugly and evil. Even in this devil costume Sophia still looked hot and sexy as ever with two cute horns in her thick hair, holding the fork in her right hand and pouting provocatively with bright red lips which matched the colour of her tight fitting bodysuit.
On a few occasions, although she hadn’t found the courage to confront Ben, she had tested him by bringing up Sophia in their conversation. On one occasion they were both reading in bed, or rather Ben was ready his book, deeply immersed in a detective fiction whilst Julia had the book open midway in an intriguing plot of a historical romance but she had been staring at the same page for over twenty minutes. Her eyes were firmly focused on one letter printed half-way down the page as if it was the most fascinating letter she had ever seen, but her mind was miles away. Her mind was scanning all those dates she could remember trying to make sense of it all. Reliving all those intimate conversations she had had with Ben, but also with Sophia. Ben clearly knew that there was something troubling her, she couldn’t hide it that well from him; but like her he either did not want to accept the fact that she had discovered his secret or he was too scared to come out in the open. Was he scared of losing her? Or was he just hoping that if things were left lying under the carpet his affair would seem less sordid? Was he eluding himself that because it was an unspoken truth it didn’t matter? Did he realise what he was doing to her?
Julia had put down the book on the bedcovers that were drawn up right under her chin and in a voice which she hoped sounded as nonchalant as possible she just blurted out:
“Oh gosh, I just remember I had to visit Sophia today. I had promised her I would the last time I met her as she really needed to speak to me about something urgent. I had explained to her how busy I was with my new job and the children and everything else but it must have been really important as she practically begged me to visit her as soon as I was able to. I really must try and go there... maybe I’ll manage after collecting the children from school... or I could go during their piano practice... if I don’t make it during this time maybe I’ll have to go later on in the evening. I’ll leave your supper in the oven and just see that the children are not late in going to bed.”
Julia was about to ramble on, as the more she spoke the more she felt that her lie was becoming more credible. Did Ben suspect anything? Had she really convinced him? Julia had hoped to open up a conversation about this but Ben had only looked at her with that startled expression she had started to see more of late and grunted something in a monotone voice. Was this all an act from his side too? Was he feigning indifference? No, she had clearly startled him. His expression had definitely seemed startled, shocked even. He had given her the famous ‘look’ she had written about so many times. There was certainly something there. She had seen it, even if it had only been for a split second.
Julia looked back at her book and then turned her head ever so slightly and looked at Ben through the corners of her eyes. Ben had gone back to reading his chapter. Nothing seemed to have changed and was it not for his finger nervously rubbing the book’s spine up and down, Julia could have sworn that the interruption had never occurred. Part of her wanted to smash his head on the bedpost; she was doing her utmost to keep calm. She was scared of what she could do if she lost control. How could this be happening? The man she had loved for so many years was sitting right next to her and she felt a coldness between them as if they were complete strangers, aliens from two different planets rather than husband and wife. Was this what Sophia had managed to create? There was an ice-cold chasm between Julia and Ben. Was it this woman’s doing? Who was at fault? Julia needed to blame someone and even blaming herself for having introduced Sophia to Ben in the first place felt better than nothing. Yes, she was to blame for having let the serpent run loose in her Garden of Eden. A serpent that was so alluring that it had captivated all who saw it. How could she hate Ben when Ben was guilty of the same crime that she had been committing all along?
She closed her eyes from some relief, for some peace from the harsh and cruel reality, but her nightmares tormented her far worse and she woke confused and frightened. Unsure of what was real and what had been dreamt. She couldn’t function like this anymore. She couldn’t keep torturing herself with these games. She couldn’t let her future keep hanging in this fragile web of lies and secrets. She had to come clean. She had to tell Ben that she had discovered his secret. That she knew about Sophia. That she had seen the files he kept on his computer. That she had been noticing that things were not the same between them any longer. That she had noticed that all the strange and cold looks he had given her were all connected to instances when she had mentioned Sophia. She knew. She finally knew. She had no choice now. The sins of the past could never be erased, her life had now gone down a one-way path and there was no going back and she had to discover where it was leading to.
Chapter 28
Julia spent the entire week trying to break the news to Ben. She mentally prepared herself for different possible scenarios. Would he confess that he loved Sophia and wanted to divorce her and move in with Sophia? Was there any hope that he would break down in tears, kneeling down at her knees begging her forgiveness and pledge eternal faithfulness. Would he plead repentance; that he was ready to do anything for Julia, for the children, for his family, it was all a stupid mistake which he would end immediately. Was this scenario possible? Where would this leave Julia? Was Julia capable of never seeing Sophia again despite what she had stolen from her? Despite having been wounded deep inside her heart, she still knew that she loved Sophia. Just as she knew that she could never imagine living the rest of her life without Ben. Could she ever truly forgive them both or had she already done that?
Part of her was also overwhelmed with the pain of what a separation might do to the kids. Their marriage had been far from perfect; however they had always been united for the kids. The kids were always their first priority in any decision they had taken. Julia couldn’t imagine living without the children. Would Ben start taking the children on their holidays and during weekends if they separated? Would she only get to see them mid-week? Would the children be split so that she had custody of Andrew and Laura, and Emma was assigned to Ben? This thought was even more horrible. She had no clue how these things worked, all she knew was that she couldn’t bear the thought of not being with the children. It also broke her heart to realise that this might very well mean that the children would not see their dad that much anymore. Her heart bled at this thought. All three children adored their dad. He was Emma’s hero, Andrew’s idol and Laura’s partner in crime, how could they grow up without him? The children needed him. Julia needed him. She had to cling on to him. She couldn’t lose him even if it meant that the scenario entailed that she ended up pleading and begging Ben not to leave. She imagined him hastily packing the large brown suitcase they kept under the bed and her tugging at the leather handles in an attempt to keep him from going. No, she was adamant this would not be the end for all their family. She had to do everything in her power to save her marriage even if it meant accepting his affair. Was this even a rationale way of thinking? Were there women out there who accepted their husband’s affairs to avoid something which would be even harder to bear. It was like choosing to bathe in acid rather than having to drink the fluid. Both could in reality be lethal.
In the end she had a perfect opportunity to tell Ben. It was a Saturday morning late in February. The two eldest children had a school activity. Julia had dropped them off early that morning and had to collect them later on in the afternoon. Laura was spending the day at her grandparents’ house and Ben had dropped her off there whilst Julia had taken the elder kids to their school activity. It was a chilly morning and now both were in their warm kitchen reading the morning’s newspapers over a mug of tea. The cold air outside reflected the coldness between Julia and Ben. She couldn’t explain it. The more desperate she was to cling on to Ben whatever his confession might be the more she found herself drifting away from him. She wanted to open up to him to show him that despite all that she knew, all that had happened she was still his wife, she would be there for him. He would return to her sooner or later. She had forced herself to believe that this was just a terrible phase they were passing through, things could be well again. They could surpass this obstacle together. They could still work on their marriage. It was something worth saving. It was worth saving if not for them but for the sake of their three children.
It was now or never. Julia felt her lungs bursting with too much air. She exhaled loudly and put down the newspaper on the kitchen island. She moved her legs straighter on the high kitchen stool causing one of her slippers to fall off her feet; the slipper fell with a soft thud causing Ben to glance up. Julia felt her cheeks go crimson as if she had been caught in crime. She could hear all the sounds around her magnified. The dripping of the kitchen tap, a ticking sound from the radiator, the tree branches rapping on the kitchen window and the loud breathing coming out in irregular patterns from her strained lungs. She felt her heart beating fast and beads of sweat beginning to form at her temples. The pain in her heart seemed so physical. It was as if her heart was being constricted to half its size. Julia looked at Ben. He was looking at her so intently and in such a loving way. The same look he gave Laura, soft, gentle and caring. It was a look of concern. It was the look of a worried parent. Was Ben worried that she would leave him? Was he feeling as bad as she had been feeling all along since she had discovered this horrible secret?
The soft words she finally spoke encapsulated the weeks of grief and despair she had been tortured with.
“I know.”
Ben kept looking at her in the same gentle manner. His expression slightly mingled with one of perplexion. He almost seemed to be examining her like a little bug under a microscope.
“You know.” The words he repeated after her were more of a statement than a question, so Julia was left staring back at him unable to go on. It was as if the effort of bringing out these two words was so great that it had left her powerless of speech.
Ben placed down his newspaper carefully. The rustling sound of the paper briefly filled the silence but the moment quickly passed and the room was quiet again. Ben moved towards her and felt for her hands. Holding both of her hands in his large strong hands he pulled her hands slightly so that their bodies were facing one another as if they were about to start some sort of séance.
He repeated the same words again but this time the intonation had changed.
“You know?”
Julia was unable to answer. Her mouth felt dry and all she could muster was a sharp nod of her head. Ben continued to look at her fixedly. His expression was one of concern. She wondered how many times he had looked at Sophia in this manner. If Julia seemed vulnerable to Ben then god knows how he must have perceived Sophia.
Had she been showered ten times more with the care and affection he had ever shown to her? This thought started making Julia angry again so that she forgot all about her other insecurities for a brief moment and blurted out:
“Yes I know.”
Her voice sounded unsteady, it was close to a quiver. Ben was looking at her with the same puzzled expression etched on his face as if it had somehow stuck to his face like a mask that had been stuck on.
“You know what?” he asked gently.
Oh God, this was even worse than Julia had imagined it would be. Why did it have to be so difficult? It was beginning to sound like a child’s game or a grammar lesson... I know, you know, she knows; yes that’s how it goes, Julia thought angrily, even Sophia knows, maybe the whole world was aware of it and she the poor wife was the last to have found out. He could at least spare her the humiliation of having to spell things out. Part of her wanted to scream at him that she knew that he had been fucking her best friend. That he was a bastard. Sophia was a whore. That she hated them both. She would make them both pay for what they had done. She would hurt him as he had hurt her. She would get her revenge on both of them. He would never see the kids again. He... he... she thought of what else she could tell him to try and hurt him, to show him how he had managed to destroy all that they had built together, but she couldn’t, she could never do this. She loved him too much and she knew that deep down it was just the anger and hurt that would be speaking and not the real Julia. She felt her eyes begin to water. This was the last thing she wanted to do. She must not cry, she must not cry. She stared up at the ceiling like a young, defiant child but she still felt the first drops trickle down her hot cheeks.
Ben pulled her even closer. He placed his fingers on her cheeks to wipe the tears. He pulled back a loose strand of her long hair and tucked it neatly back behind her ear. Julia felt her heart shatter into a million pieces. This was the Ben she knew. It was the Ben who took care of her. Her Ben was kind and loving. He was strong and protective. How could he have done this to her?
Julia's Secret Page 19