Heart of the Matter

by KI Thompson

  Surely Sandra hadn’t meant it the way Ellen took it, but she felt stung. Was it a subtle jab at her weight or merely an innocent remark?

  After the waitress took their order, Sandra asked, “You enjoy teaching?”

  “Oh, absolutely. I can’t imagine doing anything else. Not only am I able to teach what I love, but I get to engage students in what had previously been a dull subject for them. When I see one get excited over the Gettysburg Address, I’m thrilled.”

  “Part of that, I imagine, is due to their having a wonderful instructor.”

  Sandra’s compliment pleased Ellen. “Thank you. I do try. I want them to see history as I do, full of interesting people and events that have relevance to their lives today. I wish all students could appreciate the significance of the past.”

  “My son is a history major,” Sandra announced.

  “I didn’t know you had a son.”

  “I was married years ago, but discovered soon after that I was a lesbian. By then, I’d had Jeremy and he spent most of his time back and forth between me and his father. His life hasn’t always been easy.” Sandra toyed with her wineglass, seeming lost in thought.

  “Divorce is difficult on everyone, more so with children.” Ellen tried to soothe her.

  “Yes.”

  “Where does he go to school?”

  “He was a sophomore at Brown, but was academically suspended because of his grades. His mind wasn’t on school last year because a close friend of his passed away. I’m trying to get him back in, but it hasn’t been easy.”

  “Perhaps if you speak with his dean, that would help,” Ellen suggested.

  “I tried, but it was no use. His dean has something personal against Jeremy. I could see it written all over his face.”

  “Well, what about having him apply to another school?”

  “That’s where we are right now. I finally persuaded him to go to a school closer to home so I can keep an eye on him. As a matter of fact, he applied to Georgetown not long ago. But I’m not sure he’ll be accepted.”

  Surprised again, Ellen sat back in her chair as the waitress brought their dishes and took the opportunity to collect her thoughts.

  “Why didn’t you tell me sooner?”

  Sandra shrugged. “It slipped my mind. Besides, I couldn’t ask you to help. You don’t even know him.”

  “But I know you,” Ellen replied, taking Sandra’s hand. “I’d be happy to put in a good word for him in Admissions, if you like.” Sandra beamed. She lifted Ellen’s hand to her lips and kissed it briefly. “I can’t tell you how much that means to me,” she murmured, “and to Jeremy. He’ll be thrilled.”

  Ellen felt a little thrill herself as Sandra’s warm lips on her hand stirred that place inside her that yearned to be touched. “It’s my pleasure, really.”

  “Oh, but you’re leaving on sabbatical in a few weeks.”

  “No problem. I’ll stop by Admissions next week. I know an advisor there I can talk to, so don’t worry about it.”

  ❖

  Kate sat in front of the television, finally calm after her brief panic attack. She still lingered over her doubts about what she would do with Ellen gone for weeks at a time, maybe more. But the lack of supplies didn’t bother her as much as their connection. She could always stock up, but she relied on Ellen more than she realized, and the loss of her, albeit temporarily, scared her.

  The phone rang and she glanced at the caller ID. It was Dean again, but she wasn’t in the mood. She let it roll over to voicemail and returned her attention to a movie she was only half watching. The digital clock on the DVD player showed 9:30 and she yawned more from boredom than fatigue. Having nothing else to do, however, she turned off the television and prepared for bed.

  As she brushed her teeth, she examined her face in the mirror.

  The redness had completely disappeared, but the scar still stood out in her mind like a great chasm, splitting one side of her face from the other. She couldn’t cover it, short of wearing a mask. She snorted derisively. Maybe she could be like the Phantom of the Opera, terrifying women by taking her mask off. However, she couldn’t sing.

  She decided to have a nightcap and read in bed for a while, so she returned to the bar off the kitchen to pour herself a glass of port. When the elevator pinged she looked toward the door and automatically headed to the peephole, though she was annoyed at herself for having become such a busybody. She chalked it up to boredom, but it also rankled that Ellen was out on a date with a woman while she sat at home alone. Of course Ellen had every right to do as she pleased, and living vicariously through someone else’s sex life gave Kate a cheap thrill; that is, if Ellen was having sex with this woman yet.

  Squinting through the small hole, she had a distorted view of the hall just outside Ellen’s door. Sure enough, there was Ellen with that woman, what was her name, stepping out of the elevator. Ellen unlocked her door and turned to her. Say no, say no. But to Kate’s extreme disappointment, the slender blonde followed her. “Well, I guess that answers that,” Kate uttered disgustedly.

  Port in hand, she wandered back to her bedroom and crawled in bed. She hoped to take her mind off what was going on next door by reading. If she was lucky, the book wouldn’t have much sex in it and she could simply go to sleep. Three pages later, she realized her luck had run out.

  She tossed the book aside, went into her office, and scanned her e-mail for anything interesting. Lately nothing had been even remotely enticing and tonight was no exception. She was reaching over to turn off her monitor when a light from outside reflected against the row of awards lining the shelf in front of her.

  The one she was most proud of, her Pulitzer for the work she did at the Washington Post, sat prominently up front. She gazed at it a long time. The night she won, she could have had anything she wanted, and she had planned so much as a result.

  Disgusted with the empty promises the awards now represented, Kate fled the office to find refuge in bed, burying herself so far down in the covers only the top of her head was exposed. She had enough money for quite some time, but was angry Ellen had thrown a monkey wrench into the plan. Her impending departure caused a tightness in Kate’s chest that threatened to set off another panic attack. What if something happened while Ellen was gone? What if she fell and injured herself or became sick and couldn’t get help?

  She shoved the thoughts aside and prayed for sleep.

  CHAPTER NINE

  Something jolted Ellen awake and in her confusion she picked up the phone. When it dawned on her that a car alarm was causing the noise, she lay back on the pillows and tried to calm her speeding heart. The alarm alternated between high-pitched wailing and sporadic honking, and she suddenly knew why she’d never purchased a gun.

  She glanced over to the other side of the bed, finding it empty, and realized she had also heard the shower running. A slight tension in her belly made her get up and slip on her bathrobe. She immediately went to the mirror and gazed at herself. Her hair looked as though a rabid animal had been let loose in it and she grabbed her brush, quickly coaxing the tangled mass back into place.

  As she headed for the kitchen to make coffee, she noticed the remnants of last night’s encounter in the living room: empty glasses, articles of clothing strewn about the floor, sofa cushions askew. She straightened everything and gathered the clothing, placing it where her bathrobe had lain. The water shut off and she slipped quietly back to the kitchen, scooping coffee into the coffeepot.

  Last night had been a bit awkward, to say the least. As soon as Sandra had started kissing her, Ellen had tried to relax. It had been a very long time since she had been with someone, and being with Sandra, while not unexpected, still came as a surprise. Once Sandra began to unbutton Ellen’s blouse, Ellen knew she somehow needed to turn off her brain. But she thought only whether Sandra would find her body a turn-on or a turn-off.

  So Ellen had taken charge and became the top, a role she never truly felt comfortable in. How
ever, focusing on Sandra’s needs had allowed her to relax, and she thought Sandra had wound up enjoying herself—so much so that Sandra had fallen asleep soon after. Ellen felt a bit frustrated, but at least Sandra hadn’t seen her completely naked. She wished she could feel less insecure about her body, but this way, Sandra enjoyed herself and perhaps with their next tryst Ellen would be more at ease. If there was a next time. Their varied schedules didn’t allow for frequent dates, and for now, she was okay with that.

  This time the phone did ring and Ellen picked it up.

  “Ellen, Mother has her doctor’s appointment this afternoon and Taylor has come down with some sort of bug and I can’t leave her. Can you take Mom?”

  Joan sounded harassed and out of breath, as though she was in a hurry.

  “When is her appointment?”

  “Three.”

  “Yes, I can make that. I just have to give a quiz this morning.”

  “Good, and don’t forget that tomorrow night is the dinner party Mom and Dad are throwing. Dress nicely. Several eligible men from Dad’s office will be there.”

  “Good morning,” Sandra whispered in Ellen’s ear, kissing her lightly on the lobe.

  “Good morning,” Ellen squeaked, forgetting she was on the phone.

  “Who’s that? Is someone there?” Joan demanded.

  “Uh, yes, a…a friend.” Ellen didn’t think fast enough to say it was the television, but then, why should she have to hide from her sister?

  “A friend?” Joan repeated. “Oh, my God, Ellen. Tell me you don’t have some woman there. Lord, is that what you do, bring strange women home with you?”

  Ellen controlled her temper for the sake of Sandra, if not for Joan. “I can’t talk right now, Joan, but I haven’t forgotten about tomorrow night. Mom and Dad, you and Robert, me, and several eligible men—what else do I need to know?”

  “Other women will be there, too, but Robert can’t make it. He’s attending a conference in New York.” Joan’s husband lived the life of most surgeons, constantly working and constantly unavailable. Ellen had difficulty recalling when she had seen him last.

  Ellen gazed at Sandra and on a whim said, “I’m bringing a date.”

  “You are?” Joan spluttered. “Who?”

  “Her name is Sandra.”

  Sandra’s eyebrows shot up and a slow grin spread across her face. Ellen hoped that meant she would go.

  “What? Ellen, what are you talking about? What do you mean?”

  “Gotta go,” Sandra mouthed and pointed at her watch.

  “Listen, Joan, I’ll call you later.” Ellen hung up. “I’m sorry about that. Look, I’ve made some coffee. Won’t you stay and have a cup?”

  Sandra shook her head. “Some other time, perhaps.” She grinned. “Have another girl on the line, do you?” Ellen felt the blood rush to her cheeks. “No, that was my sister. She has a knack for calling at the worst moments.”

  “So I guess I’m going to a party, hmm?” Sandra’s eyes sparkled.

  “I hope that’s okay?”

  “I’d be glad to. Well, thanks for last night, I enjoyed it. And thanks for your help with Jeremy. I really can’t tell you how much I appreciate it.”

  “Not a problem, really,” Ellen reassured her.

  “I’ll talk to you later.”

  Sandra leaned forward and pecked Ellen on the lips, opened the door, and was gone.

  Ellen stood bewildered, her arms still hanging in the air from trying to wrap her arms around Sandra but instead finding empty space. She stood there a few seconds longer wondering what to make of that interaction. Sandra said she’d enjoyed herself. That was good, right? She didn’t want to ponder the question for long.

  She poured herself a cup of coffee and took it into the bathroom with her. After a few thoughtful sips, she turned on the shower and stepped in.

  ❖

  Kate heard the front door close and ran to the peephole. It was that woman, leaving Ellen’s condo, at seven thirty in the fucking morning. Didn’t Ellen have to go to work? What did that woman do again? Attorney, wasn’t it? Probably some ambulance chaser.

  Kate pulled away from the door, annoyed. She didn’t know why; she couldn’t care less what Ellen did, as long as it didn’t interfere with their arrangement.

  Of course, something was already interfering with their arrangement. Ellen’s sabbatical would begin soon and Kate had done her best to ignore it. However, she’d need to face up to it sooner or later. She needed to decide how she would make do while Ellen was away. She went into her office and looked at the notepad by her computer keyboard, double-checking for the hundredth time that Ellen’s cell-phone number was there, just in case.

  The phone rang and she looked at the caller ID. Give it up, Dean. The phone rang several more times before the answering machine kicked in. No way in hell would she consider a job in some place like Kansas. She’d just as soon collect empty bottles along the highway and return them for a deposit.

  She sighed. It was going to be another long day, but she’d better touch base with Ellen before it was too late. Ellen must have a lot to do before she left, and Kate didn’t want to wait until the last minute to have her tasks done. She picked up the phone and, as she began to dial, hesitated. Thinking better of the phone, she walked into the living room, out the front door, and into the hallway. After knocking on Ellen’s door, she folded her arms across her chest and stood waiting.

  Ellen opened the door, clearly surprised to see her. “Kate. Is something wrong?”

  “Hi, Ellen. No, nothing’s wrong. I imagine you’re on your way to work, but I wanted to make sure we could talk later when you get home, about…well, you know.”

  Ellen stared blankly at her for a moment. “Oh. You mean about my leaving and all?”

  “Yes, I—”

  The elevator pinged, freezing Kate in mid-sentence. She turned to look just as the doors slid open and out stepped Ellen’s friend.

  She slowed after a few steps, watching Ellen and Kate at the door, and when she noticed Kate’s face, she stopped walking entirely.

  Kate could see her staring at the scar, her eyes fixed on her face and not her eyes. Angrier than she’d been in a while, Kate stared back coldly.

  “Sandra.” Ellen could sense the angry waves emanating off Kate. “Did you forget something?”

  “Uh, yes…I think I left my car keys on your credenza.” Ellen reached back inside, picked them up, and handed them to her. She wasn’t certain whether to introduce her to Kate. The awkwardness was thick and she wished Sandra wouldn’t stare so openly at Kate. If she didn’t introduce them, though, the situation would be even more awkward.

  “Sandra, this is my neighbor, Kate.” Sandra murmured a polite hello and Kate simply nodded.

  Ellen felt oddly as though she had been caught doing something she wasn’t supposed to, but she couldn’t think of anything else to say. Sandra helped her out by saying good-bye and took the stairs rather than wait for the elevator.

  “Sandra,” Kate said.

  “Sorry?” Ellen asked.

  “Oh, nothing,” Kate replied. “So, I take it all went well last night?” She tried to seem lighthearted and upbeat, but the grin twisted into a smirk. At least someone’s life was moving forward.

  Ellen blushed. “Yes, thanks. I have to get ready for work, but how about having dinner with me tonight and we can talk about it?

  Talk about what we need to do while I’m away, that is.” This time Kate really did smile. She found Ellen very attractive when she was embarrassed. Especially when her face flushed and she stumbled around her words. “Fine, I’ll see you then.” Kate returned to her condo and closed the door. Either Ellen didn’t have a good time last night or she was very good at hiding her feelings.

  ❖

  As the last student left the classroom, Ellen collected all the term papers and headed for her office. She glanced at her watch and knew Jenny would be dropping by in about an hour. It was Ellen’s last class befo
re finals week and the weight was beginning to lift from her shoulders at the thought of getting on the road soon. She was looking forward to walking the battlefields of Virginia again, hearing the cannon, smelling the gunpowder, if only in her mind.

  Often she felt she had been born in the wrong time period.

  The present always left her feeling a little out of place and unsure of herself. The past felt more like home, like where she belonged.

  She was completely at ease among those relics, which was why she probably excelled at research.

  She fumbled for her keys to her office just as Linda Cohen came out of hers and asked, “Last class over?”

  “Yes, thank God. I’m waiting for Jenny now.”

  “Well, my last class isn’t until one. Do you have time for a quick bite?”

  “I brought lunch, but there’s plenty. Come on in.” They sat at Ellen’s desk and munched carrot and celery sticks, Melba toast, tuna fish, and fruit.

  “If I’d known you’d brought rabbit food, I would’ve suggested going out.” Linda examined a celery stick suspiciously.

  “And therein lies my problem,” Ellen complained, patting her stomach. “We go out to eat and I always wind up getting something bad for me.”

  “You don’t call this stuff bad?” Linda asked incredulously.

  “Unless, of course…you’re getting in shape for Ms. Powell.” Ellen waved the comment away without answering. She was hoping Linda wouldn’t pursue the subject, but she knew better.

  “Come on, dish. You had dinner with her last night…and then?”

  Try as she might, Ellen couldn’t help but expose all she felt on her face. She had never been a good liar, which got her into more trouble than she cared to remember.

  “You slept with her. You dog.”

  “Shh.” Ellen always tried to be cautious when students were around. “Not so loud.”

  “How was it?” Linda lowered her voice and grabbed a bunch of grapes.

  “It was…nice.” Ellen winced, knowing that wasn’t exactly the word she was searching for.