by Elle Harte
“Your friend will be okay. He has you.”
“Doesn’t feel that way.”
“Sometimes, people just need someone to believe in them.”
“You should go back to your friends.”
“Right now, this is where I’m needed.”
“Isn’t your date going to mind?”
“My date is my best friend, Chloe and I have a vague sense that she’s better off without me and meeting some guy.”
Why did I feel such a relief knowing there wasn’t a man involved? I was really starting to lose it. “How are you doing, Blayne?”
“Honestly, I’m not sure. But I’m managing. What about you?”
“Well, apart from the complete lack of a social life, I guess I’m okay. Can’t complain.”
“Why don’t you have a social life?” Because I can’t imagine being with another girl, and because you’ve been keeping me prisoner. “Just too many work engagements.”
She looked at me. “I missed you.”
Then why can’t we be together again?
Why won’t you stop running away?
Why won’t you let me in?
“I should probably go check on Stefan,” I said, and it took all my strength not to hug her and kiss her and take it her scent and lock her away in my heart where she would never escape.
I couldn’t look into her eyes anymore. I couldn’t face her with everything that was going on inside me, all the emotions and all the heartbreak.
“You didn’t miss me, Chase?”
I smiled at her to deflect the tears. “Not really,” I said, with a shrug. “But then, what did you expect from a Heartbreaker?” I winked just to get my point across.
I didn’t wait for her reply.
Blayne
It wasn’t my presumptuous stupidity that I found repulsive. It was the loneliness I felt when he said those words.
In the span of a moment, he reduced me to nothing. I know I don’t deserve to complain. I was the one who turned him down first, he was probably just retaliating. Or maybe my doubts about him, and the world’s doubts about him, are true. Maybe he doesn’t really care about me anymore. Maybe he never did. Maybe he’s incapable of it.
A hundred news sources can’t be wrong.
The door opened and I was hopeful again. But when I saw the person who had come up, I wanted to run.
“Blayne, just let me explain…” Jason said.
“How did you find me? Are you stalking me?”
“Of course not,” he said. “Half the city is here for the opening! I saw you walking up here with that guy.”
“I have pepper spray and I’m not afraid to use it,” I said. “I also have a phone and I could just call the cops!!”
“Please, no cops!”
“Then leave, this instant!”
“Blayne, I’m sorry.”
“Whatever spiel you’re about to give me, save it.”
“He told me you were unwell,” Jason said. “He said he was worried sick. I talked to your dad and he corroborated the story. I was just looking out for you.”
Nothing he was saying, sounded like a lie.
“Are you done, Jason?”
“You were my first kiss,” he said. “I’ve known you since grade school. You’re my oldest friend, Blayne. You know me better than that. I’ve been in love with you since we were kids.”
“I trusted you, Jason.”
“You never told me anything about him. Why did you keep it from me?”
“I haven’t told anyone, Jason. Because Nick, he’s dangerous. And he’s got my dad under a spell.”
“Why didn’t you go to the cops?”
“I don’t want to talk about it.”
“So, you forgive me?”
“Yes, Jason but I need some time to get over it. Until then, we can’t see each other.”
“Take all the time you need, Blayne. I’ll be here.”
Chase
Stefan was still in the bathroom, having a meltdown on the floor. He saw me and started to calm down. “Did you forget something?”
“Yeah. You.”
“Dude, you don’t have to…”
“Life is always busy throwing something at you,” I said. “But you need to confront your problems, and not run away from it. And you’re right. I’m just like you, I run from everything, but can we both try not to do that?”
“Suppose it’s worth a shot.”
“Any chance of you getting up and letting these people enjoy the new club’s bathroom?”
He grinned and pushed himself up off the floor. “If it’s not hot chicks, I’m not interested.” I grabbed Stefan’s arm and dragged him out of the men’s room. “Let’s get you some coffee.”
I was looking around for Kira when she found us and started screaming about some guy giving her E and then she promptly grabbed my face and started kissing me and I realized it was to transfer the E. I was about to break it off and get her to settle down, when I caught Blayne looking at us from across the room. We weren’t kissing anymore but she looked hurt. It was just as well. I shouldn’t have gone as far with her as I did. Liar liar pants on fire. I can protect her when I’m not with her. I would probably end up hurting her anyway and she would hurt me. it just wasn’t worth it. The cost of doing business with a girl like Blayne was too high.
Kira wanted to see what I was looking at and saw a dumbstruck Blayne. “Is that her?” Kira looked mortified. “Chase, go talk to her, she’s going to get the wrong message.”
“Let her think what she wants,” I said, watching Blayne run toward the exit.
Kira pushed me. “Listen to me you imprudent fuck,” she screamed. “Don’t you dare use me to hurt some poor girl!”
“She thinks I’m a bad person because the tabloids say so,” I told her. “I don’t give a fuck what she thinks of me. If I’m such a bad person, she needs to stay away.”
It was a lie.
I don’t know if I was protecting her or myself. I just wanted to get out of this place and drink enough for my brain to be silent. But there was the matter of Stefan to deal with and by now, he was barely able to walk or stand up straight. Kira noticed something was wrong and nudged me. “What’s wrong with him?” I didn’t know how much I was supposed to tell her, it really wasn’t my place to speak of Stefan’s indiscretions. “He’s just shit-faced,” I said. “We need to get him home.”
“Don’t take me home,” Stefan implored. “I can’t be there right now.”
“We can take him to the loft,” Kira said and took out her keys and dangled them in front of me. “You mean my loft, that you’re staying in as a guest.”
“More the merrier, right?” I don’t know why she was so ecstatic, but if she had ulterior motives, I didn’t even want to think about it.
“I think I’m going to puke…” Stefan said.
No good deed. “Fine,” I said. “Let’s take him to the loft.”
“I know the best cure for a coke overdose,” Kira said. I had no idea she knew, so it baffled me. “How did you?”
Kira gestured to the white powder sprayed on Stefan’s face. “I’m not blind, you know?”
“Can we please go home?” Stefan said. “I don’t know how long I can hold it in!”
“If you throw up in my new Audi, I’m going to kill you sooner than the drugs will,” I warned.
“I’ll take my chances,” Stefan said, winking at Kira.
Guess there were worse ways of spending the weekend.
Blayne
Love comes quickly, whatever you do.
The rain was pouring down, heavy, and I couldn’t find shelter. I kept glancing at the people passing by and they were all carrying huge umbrellas, but they wouldn’t lend me any shade. And then I saw Nick, and I knew it was him but he had this menacing expression on his face, as if he was going to turn into a bizarre creature, and he scared me so I ran. But between the rain and the people, and their huge umbrellas, it was impossible to get away from him until someone gripped my
arm and pulled me away. Afraid that it might be Nick, I tried to steal a look at the man’s face, even though I didn’t want to…
…and I was left looking into a pair of soft, blue eyes.
“You don’t have to run anymore,” he said. “I’m here now.”
And then he smiled.
And it was beautiful.
It took away some of my fear.
“Let me help you,” he said.
Afraid that Nick would catch up to us, I realized that I couldn’t do anything but fear his approach, but then the blue-eyed man just held me and kissed me…
I woke up and realized it was a dream. I had the same feeling I used to get when I had been fantasizing about movie stars, and one of them ended up in some odd fantasy that my brain conjured up while my other senses were asleep. Only this time, it’s him. The dream had so overtaken me I forgot his name…
…Chase, I remember then.
The sight of his offering a hand to shake, of stifling that cigarette, it all came back, and so did bits and pieces of the night we spent together. One part of me was so embarrassed I didn’t even know what to say. The other one wanted to resume that dream and go back to sleep, because that kiss was hot.
And then, I heard the phone on my nightstand, vibrating away and I picked it up. When I saw the the same texts, I felt a certain amount of disappointment. Nick, who could barely wake up before four in the evening on weekends was now awake, at ten in the morning, and calling me as if the world was about to end. And suddenly, I had the urge to read his messages. In retrospect, it might have been a bad move.
I don’t know if it was the effect of the dream, or the messages themselves or some strange wave of nostalgia that brought tears to my eyes.
Plenty of other statements like that, most of them asking me to come up and meet him someplace. It didn’t have to be private, he just wanted to see me, one last time. A request that sounded genuine enough. Only, I had a vague idea how it was going to end. I had been dreading this. I felt like if I even so much as see his face again, I might give up on hating him, and I might get carried away in the torrent that is my ex-life with him. It was the last thing I wanted to do but that fear was still there in the back of my mind, and I couldn’t help but feel a lot less resentful at him for what he did. I knew I was supposed to hate him for what he did for the rest of my life, and I should have accepted that he wasn’t going to change, not ever, but that stupid, odd voice inside my head kept screaming otherwise.
Suddenly, I was remembering the good times we had, how romantic it was when it began. I remembered all the amazing things he had done for me. Two days ago, when I started drinking a little more than usual, I got to wondering if it would be okay to just continue my life with him, and just get used to his faults to get my hands on the good stuff. And there is good stuff, a lot of it, I assure you. Enough to make me think that way, obviously.
But it was times like these, when you must figure out whose side you’re on: his or yours.
I almost ended up texting him a response from all the confusion, but I held myself back with a lot of effort. When Chloe woke up I told her. “Nick says he wants to see me one last time.”
She just stared back at me for a second, as if she was trying to say ‘right, and you’re telling me this why’?
“I can’t avoid him for the rest of my life,” I said, somewhat unsure.
“You don’t have to,” Chloe said, wisely enough. “Just until you know you’re over him. Just until the healing has begun and you’ve moved on. When you don’t have any of those left-over feelings.”
“I don’t think that’s going to happen.”
“It will Blayne,” she said. “It has to. There is no other way to do this. He’s not right for you and you know it. You’ve been doing so well without him so far. There’s no need to complicate matters by agreeing to see him.” My eyes were still glued to the message until Chloe confiscated the phone. “Don’t let some random feelings of mere empathy for an ex, ruin your life. It’s not love. Love is a bond built on mutual understanding, loyalty, and affection. Not on the fizzling embers of fucked up relationships.”
“I just keep having this urge to see him again, even though I also want to gouge his eyes out.”
“I’m not saying it’s easy getting over all those years of your life with him, and I’m not saying it’s going to happen in one day. It’s stupid to expect that it will. I’m just saying, until you’re in a better frame of mind to figure things out, it’s best to just stay away.”
Chloe made a lot of sense for someone who had never been in a long-term relationship. Maybe that was why. She wasn’t ready to sacrifice her life for someone who wasn’t worth the effort. Perhaps she was right to wait. She said statistically, most people do things not because they want to, but because something’s been programmed into their heads. I don’t always agree with her but it’s worth thinking about.
“Men like Nick don’t want marriage,” she said. “They just want the illusion of marriage. What they really want is to be fucking a new woman every night, without their wives asking where they were. They love having a woman they can come home to, but they don’t want the responsibility or the effort that comes with it. They might think they have evolved and that they don’t treat women the wrong way, but they are still just figuring things out. Personally, I think they need at least another century to realize how they can correct this stupidity.”
“Just because Nick’s a bad apple doesn’t mean I don’t believe in the institution of marriage, or love.”
“You can believe what you want, Blayne. I’m just saying, that’s not Nick. Maybe someone else, someone who believes in love and marriage the same way you do. Why else would you have walked out on him eight months before you were supposed to get married?”
I knew there was a part of Nick that wanted to get married to me, and another part of him that just wanted to be the single guy forever. He cared about me in some twisted way, but I knew I was not the only woman he ever wanted to be with. He liked to think that he did though and that was what complicated things for us. But the truth is, I had never once felt that passion from his side, the kind of passion his words claimed he had for me.
He has never looked at me that way…
…the way Chase looked at me.
Okay there, I said it.
I knew I had only met him a few times, and I knew it was silly, but standing there, in the rain, inside the diner, and afterwards, there was something in the way he was looking at me. It was different than what I was used to with Nick. And that was why every time I felt Chase’s eyes on me, I think I started to feel like maybe I deserved more than what Nick was giving me.
That there was more to life and love and romance, than Nick was capable of.
The sound of the doorbell had become routine by now.
Every day, without fail, a pretty, ribbon adorned box would arrive and inside would be the day’s wisdom.
Today’s fortune: “The spell of old love can be forgotten only with new flames.”
Blayne
The most fragrant flower sometimes nurtures in the swamp.
It was a little over a month since I broke up with Nick but seems it happened ages ago. Somehow, the further I stayed from him, the less I wanted to go back.
I had officially been on an aggressive job hunt for weeks, without much luck, and it was starting to get on my nerves. If I didn’t get one soon I was going to be in a lot of trouble. That whole week, I called pretty much everyone I knew that I thought might be able to help but nothing came through
And by breaking up with Nick, I also broke up with our so-called mutual friends. Most of them were either too busy to attend my calls, or were never there. Others blatantly asked me when I was going to give up the ‘charade’ a
nd go back to Nick. Naturally they were not happy with my responses, which I agree were downright cold, thanks to the fact that I had been dealing with this for long enough. But that’s fine. Even if Chloe remains my only friend for the rest of my life, I would have no complaints. She was more than enough. She was always there for me and I could count on her to be supportive. She had opinions and wasn’t afraid to share them, but she was also respectful of the opinions of others. We didn’t always agree, but we held one another in great respect.
I was sitting by the phone that day, waiting for that one special call to come and invite me to a second interview or something along those lines, but there was nothing and the phone didn’t ring. Even Nick had stopped texting like he used to. I was in a staring competition with my phone this time, and I realized this was getting ridiculous. How was it people like Nick had it all figured out and I was so clueless? I was on the verge of losing it. When no amount of staring at the phone or at my computer screen produced any results, I decided to step over to the refrigerator and let junk food do its thing.
Half-way through a giant tub of Ben n Jerry’s, I was about to give myself up to daytime television, when I heard the door unlocking and Chloe walked in. She saw the ice cream and promptly brought herself a spoon to match. That, folks, was the reason I love her so much.
“Are you depressed again?” she asked.
“Can’t a person eat ice cream without being judged?”
“So, you’re not depressed?”
“Oh, I’m totally depressed. But I still don’t think you should judge me.”
“What I’m about to tell you might make you rethink your comfort food choice.”
“I highly doubt that.”
Chloe produced a business card for BRENDA SORKIN. CORPORATE ALLIANCES.
“Who is she?”
“She’s hiring paralegals for a part-time copywriting gig.”
“But I don’t have any experience!”
“Well, I might have told them you did though,” she said. “But listen, before you start baring your fangs at me, they don’t need someone with experience.”