by Stan Kirby
There was no pancake smell. No delicious maple syrup fog blowing out of the kitchen. And no clatter of his dad accidentally dropping the spatula on the floor.
It was very odd. More odd than that time in Super Dude No. 21 when Super Dude battled Oddballboy, who could turn himself into a ball and bounce-bounce-bounce. That is, until he was swatted out of Dudeville by Super Dude’s giant Baseball Bat of Good Swatting.
Maybe his family had been taken captive by alien cats from the planet Purrtron? Or the Celery Stalker had risen from the Patch of Very Bad Vegetables and taken them?
“McGillicudys! Hey! Are you there? Are you anywhere?” Captain Awesome called out. “Activate Grid Search One,” he added. “Operation Pancake has begun.”
Captain Awesome ran from room to room, opening every door and cabinet and cupboard and drawer. If his family was still here, he would find them.
But they were not to be found. There were no dishes in the sink. At the breakfast table he found nothing. In the toilet tank on the back of the toilet, he saw things no one should ever see.
HAHAHAHAHA!
“What was that?!” Captain Awesome stopped in the kitchen.
HAHAHAHAHA AGAIN!
It was coming from the backyard. Captain Awesome crawled to the back door. There were people in the backyard, perhaps the ones who had kidnapped his family. “No backyard snatchers will snatch my family or my pancakes!” he vowed.
“Beware, pure evil!” Eugene yelled. He stood on the back porch with his hands on his hips and used his most heroic voice ever. “Prepare to face the early morning justice from the kick of Captain—wait? What?”
Eugene’s mom and dad were in the backyard, sipping their morning coffee. Queen Stinkypants wandered around on the grass, probably looking for an alien ant colony to rule.
“Good morning, Eug—I mean, Captain Awesome,” Eugene’s dad said.
Eugene’s mom said, “We all got up early and decided to wait for you.”
“I’m making my special bacon chocolate-chip pancakes,” added his dad. “You’ll need your strength if there’s going to be trouble at the comic book store.”
He was so right.
Captain Awesome’s stomach rumbled. “Thank you, good citizen! Captain Awesome accepts your bacony offer.”
Let’s go, let’s go, let’s go!” Captain Awesome eagerly jumped into the backseat with Supersonic Sal and Nacho Cheese Man. “Commence Superhero Seatbelt Buckling!”
“Next stop: the comic book store!” Supersonic Sal called out.
Captain Awesome looked out the window. He was as excited as a dog discovering a superpowered treat-maker. And then he saw it. . . .
The old, spooky, haunted house the Sunnyview Superhero Squad had visited on Halloween night.
SHIVER!
But not even the Sunnyview Spirit could stop me from getting to the comic book store today! Captain Awesome thought.
The three heroes could barely stay seated when they passed Max Maxtone’s Maxi Mini-Golf a few miles later. Sure, it was the place Eugene, Sally, and Charlie had to suffer through Meredith’s birthday party a few months ago, but it also meant that they were almost at . . .
THE COMIC BOOK STORE!
Minutes later, the trio of heroes burst into the mall and immediately found themselves deep in a crowd of kids and parents who had come for the Super Dude party. There were kids dressed as superheroes, kids dressed as sci-fi characters, kids dressed as wizards and witches, and kids dressed as video game characters. The only thing there wasn’t, was kids dressed as kids.
“Okay, heroes. I’ll give you thirty minutes to complete your, uh, mission, then I’ve got a mission to get diapers for Molly.” Eugene’s mom took her place with the other parents who were sitting on the benches next to the comic book store.
“Keep those super eyes sharp,” Captain Awesome whispered. “The supervillains could unleash their evil plan of no goodness at any moment!”
“I just hope they unleash it after we get Super Dude’s autograph,” Nacho Cheese Man replied.
“Captain Awesome!” a voice called out from the crowd.
Captain Awesome spotted a familiar superhero mask. “Amazing Man! I haven’t seen you since Camp Ka-Pow!”
“I see you’re still looking as awesome as ever,” Amazing Man replied.
“And you’re looking as amazing as ever,” Captain Awesome replied.
Captain Awesome leaned closer to Amazing Man and whispered, “Listen, my super Awesome-Sense warned me that a band of villains may be on their way to the comic store to get Super Dude.”
“I hope they arrive after I get Super Dude’s autograph,” Amazing Man replied. “I’ll be on the lookout. Cloudy Heights! Cloudy Heights! No evil shall escape my sight!”
No sooner had Amazing Man disappeared into the crowd, then Captain Awesome’s super Awesome-Sense started to tingle. “I sense danger!” he told his friends.
“Well, well, well. If it isn’t Puke-Gene, Stinky Cheese Man, and Super-Lame-O Sal.” Meredith Mooney pushed her way through the crowd.
“Meredith! That’s not very nice!” Meredith’s older sister, Melissa, said. “Remember, I said I’d take you to see Kitty Rainbow and the Unicorn Band if you behaved while we were at the Super Dude-tastic Super Party.”
“Fiiiiiiiine,” Meredith groaned, then secretly stuck her tongue out at Captain Awesome.
Music began to pump through the speakers and spotlights hit a small stage set up outside the comic book store.
IT WAS TIME!
“IT’S DUPER SUUUUUUUDE! I MEAN SUPER SUUUUUUUUDE! I MEAN POOPER MOOOOOOD! I . . . I . . . MEAN . . . SUPER DUUUUUUUUUUUUUUDE!” Nacho Cheese Man was so excited, he could barely stop his head from exploding from the 110 percent, hyper-overdrive Super Dude awesomeness!
Super Dude had arrived!
Super Dude stepped onto the stage and waved a mighty hand to the fans squished together like marshmallows in a hamster’s cheek. Cries of “Super Dude! Super Dude!” filled the air.
But Captain Awesome was silent. He rubbed his eyes. He had seen plenty of cardboard Super Dudes before. And tons of stuffed Super Dudes. He had seen Super Dude in video games and on toothbrushes, posters, cereal boxes, pillows, blankets, lunch boxes, and phone cases. He had seen Super Dude’s smiling face on pretty much everything you could buy online, on TV, or in a store. He’d even seen Super Dude Frozen Peas once—but even that couldn’t make him eat those terrible green pearls of grossness.
Captain Awesome had also seen plenty of people dressed as Super Dude. But each time, something was always off: Super Dude’s cape wasn’t capey enough, or his belt wasn’t super enough, or his mask wasn’t dude enough. There was always something . . . something that made it easy for Captain Awesome to spot an imposter. But this time . . . this time Super Dude looked exactly like Super Dude.
EMERGENCY MEETING!
Captain Awesome quickly huddled with Nacho Cheese Man and Supersonic Sal.
“We’ve gotta figure out if this is the real Super Dude so we can warn him that the bad guys want to get him!” Captain Awesome explained.
“Let’s ask him questions that only the real Super Dude would know the answers to,” Supersonic Sal suggested.
“We can see if he has Super Dude’s Super Villain Super Sense,” Nacho Cheese Man added.
“And the final test can be to see if he can . . . SAVE THE UNIVERSE!” Captain Awesome added with dramatic flair.
“How can he do that if the universe isn’t in danger?” Nacho Cheese Man asked.
“If he’s really Super Dude, he’ll figure something out,” Captain Awesome replied.
Before Captain Awesome could say another word, Nacho Cheese Man grabbed his arm. “Look!” he stammered and pointed across the mall.
It was The Shusher, the evil rule-maker of the school spelling bee. She was with the Freeze Tagger, the supervillain who patrolled the Sunnyview Museum with his freeze ray!
“They must be here to kidnap Super Dude!”
Captain Awesome gasped.
The heroes were about to charge into action, but then they saw something even more horrible than the spinach mines of Veggietopia. The Shusher and the Freeze Tagger were holding hands!
“Ewwwwwwwwwwwww!” Captain Awesome and Nacho Cheese Man said in unison. Captain Awesome noticed Supersonic Sal was smiling and not “ewing,” so he elbowed her.
“What? Oh, yeah, um, EW!” Supersonic Sal joined in.
“I don’t think they’re here to do anything except make me puke,” Nacho Cheese Man said.
All right! Who’s next in line for a Super Dude Autograph?!” Super Dude looked to Captain Awesome. “What’s your superpower—”
“How did you defeat the Kitty Litterer?!” Captain Awesome asked.
“Well, I—”
Supersonic Sal immediately cut off Super Dude and asked, “Who made you make all the lava beds in the land Volcania?!”
“What’s your favorite pasta sauce!?” Nacho Cheese Man snapped.
The questions came fast and furious! Super Dude had nowhere to turn . . . nowhere to run!
“Where did El-Sucko hide his power-sucking ray?!”
“What disguise did you use to save the Cauliflower Kid from the Cabbage Patchitorium of Baron Broccoli?”
“Who’s the world’s angriest sea mammal?!”
“Who did you defeat with the buttery goodness of goodness?”
“What kind of action awesomeness does the Super Dude action figure have?”
“How did you defeat the Exclamation Pointer and free Grammartopia?” Captain Awesome asked. Then he leaned closer to a clearly overwhelmed Super Dude. “Well?!”
The crowd fell silent. Super Dude gritted his teeth. He squinted his eyes, adjusted his cape, and laughed nervously. Then he cleared his throat.
“A giant ball of string. Dr. Chore. The Human Tomato’s Atsa Lotsa Pasta Sauce. Stinky blue cheese. A turnip. The Water Weasel. Colonel Kernel. Dude-Jitsu. And I kicked the Exclamation Pointer right in the dangling participle!”
Captain Awesome, Nacho Cheese Man, and Supersonic Sal stood in stunned silence as the crowd erupted in cheers.
“That’s what makes him so super,” Nacho Cheese Man said in awe.
“He still has two more tests to go,” Captain Awesome whispered, overcoming his shock. “First, does he have Super Dude’s Super Villain Super Sense?” Captain Awesome motioned to Meredith, who stood in line directly behind them.
Meredith pushed her way past Captain Awesome. “Outta my way, Puke-Gene! My sister wants to meet Super Dud so we can get outta here.”
“That’s Super Dude, little miss,” Super Dude politely corrected.
“Not from where I’m standing,” Meredith said.
“Why, aren’t you the sweetest little pink princess,” Super Dude said with a smile. “You know, pink is my favorite color.”
“Well, get a new favorite, ’cause pink is mine,” Meredith sneered.
“‘Sweet?!’ ‘Pink?!’ ‘Princess?!’” Captain Awesome whispered to Nacho Cheese Man and Supersonic Sal with gross-gustedness, which anyone who had to deal with Meredith knew was a combination of grossness and disgust. “There is no way Super Dude would ever say those things about someone as villainous as Meredith!”
Super Dude signed an autograph for a very thankful—and even more embarrassed—Melissa. As Meredith and Melissa walked away, he leaned over to Captain Awesome and whispered, “I could smell the evil on that kid like stink on an evil baby!”
“Then why were you so nice to her?” Captain Awesome asked.
“Because there’s no greater superpower than kindness,” Super Dude said.
“That’s what makes him so super . . . ,” Nacho Cheese Man said in awe.
“You already said that,” Captain Awesome rolled his eyes.
“Well, it’s still true,” Nacho Cheese Man replied.
“That’s two tests passed and one to go,” Supersonic Sal reminded them.
“The last test should be the easiest one of all for Super Dude,” Captain Awesome said. “He just needs to save the universe. Although, I suppose saving the world would be okay.”
“Well, I hope the world needs saving soon,” Nacho Cheese Man said. “Your mom is taking us to buy diapers in five minutes!”
Nacho Cheese Man was right. Eugene’s mom motioned to her watch. Time was running out.
“Where’s a giant meteor or an alien invasion when you need one?” Captain Awesome asked.
And then it happened!
CRACKLE!
SQUEAL!
SNAP!
“Hey, guys, what was that?” Supersonic Sal asked.
“I don’t know,” Captain Awesome replied. “But it kinda sounded like it came from the sky. . . .”
“Like an ALIEN INVASION!” Nacho Cheese Man gasped.
The trio of heroes looked up, hoping to see a fleet of aliens blast through the mall’s ceiling.
But instead of an invasion they heard . . . THE VOICE!
“Happy smiles, Sunnyview shoppers! I hope you’re all having a rainbow-tastic shopping day!” a syrupy voice said over the mall’s loudspeakers.
Captain Awesome covered his ears. “Have you ever heard a more evil voice?!”
Nacho Cheese Man fell to his knees. “All the sweetness is giving me a brain cavity!”
“Can’t get the rainbow-tastic-ness out of my head!” Supersonic Sal grabbed her head.
The announcement continued: “Meow! Meow! Meow! I’m Kitty Rainbow and I’m here with my Unicorn Band to put on a concert!”
Then came a sound even more brain-melting than Kitty Rainbow’s voice.
“EEEEEEEEEEEE!” Meredith shrieked. “I wanna see Kitty Rainboooooooow! I wanna! I wanna! I wanna!”
“And I wanna get outta here!” Nacho Cheese Man said as other kids squealed along with Meredith.
And then more happened!
SPEAKERS!
LIGHTS!
DISCO BALL!
Kitty Rainbow and the Unicorn Band raced onto the stage like a glittery pink nightmare! Kitty Rainbow’s face was painted like a pink cat. Her four Unicorn Band members wore unicorn horns on their heads and pranced around the stage as if they’d just escaped from a My Tiny Pony poster.
“I’m sliding on a rainbow! I’m meowing in the sun! Prancing pink unicorns having lots of fun! Dance with me! Prance with me! Everybody get pinky, pink, pink with me!” Kitty Rainbow sang.
“This is easily the most evil thing I’ve ever seen or heard,” said Supersonic Sal, horrified.
“But you gotta admit, it’s kind of a catchy song,” Nacho Cheese Man said as he tapped his foot to the beat.
“Fight it, Nacho Cheese Man!” Captain Awesome warned. “Kitty Barfbow is trying to turn us all into . . . Zom-pinkies!”
“I don’t know what that is, but I hate it already!” Nacho Cheese Man covered his ears to block out the music.
“If we can’t stop Kitty Barfbow and the Unicorn Barfers,” Captain Awesome began, “It’ll be the END OF THE WORLD!”
Nacho Cheese Man covered his ears even tighter. “I can . . . feel my brain . . . turning pink!”
“Must fight the urge . . . to play with ponies!” Supersonic Sal stammered.
“This must be . . . the bad guys big plan . . . to kidnap Super Dude!” Captain Awesome managed to say.
Even Mr. Dooms, the substitute teacher that the kids thought was a supervillain (he wasn’t), was at the mall. He was happily bouncing to the beat, unaware that he was being turned into a Zom-pinky by Kitty Rainbow’s awful song.
“Isn’t this the best thing you’ve ever heard?” Meredith shrieked with delight and sang, “Get pinky, pink, pink with me!”
“AAAAAAAAHHH!” the three heroes screamed in unison and ran away.
“I don’t want to get pinky, pink, pink with anyone!” Nacho Cheese Man said worriedly as they hid under a table.
“We need to do what we always do when we need to do something!” Captain Awesome said. “And that
’s ‘Do what Super Dude would do!’”
“He’d use his Super Minty Breath and blow Kitty Barfbow away with minty freshness!” Supersonic Sal said.
“We can’t! I was so excited I forgot to brush my teeth this morning,” Captain Awesome replied. “But remember how Super Dude defeated Justin Eel-er and Eely Cyrus when they tried to sing their electric eel duet of doom at the Super Dude Waterslide?”
“He teamed up with Codzilla and had his pet Slobster drool on them?” Nacho Cheese Man asked.
“Nope! I unplugged those slimy do-badders and sent them both to the aquarium in a clambulance!” a voice behind the three heroes said.
Captain Awesome turned to see Super Dude standing behind them.
“You guys ready to save the universe?” Super Dude asked. “Or at least the world?”
TEST NUMBER THREE!
“Okay, if he does save the world, then he’s really Super Dude,” Captain Awesome reminded Supersonic Sal and Nacho Cheese Man in a whisper.
Without another word, Super Dude pulled the huge yellow power cord from the wall.
Suddenly . . . the lights went out! The disco ball stopped spinning! The mind-melting Zom-pinky music faded. Hundreds of kids groaned in dismay, and no one louder than Meredith.
Captain Awesome, Nacho Cheese Man, and Supersonic Sal gasped.
“You just saved the universe!” Nacho Cheese Man exclaimed.