I wince. “I’m sorry that wasn’t my intention. I was just so tired.”
“And today - my calls, emails? Nada, Lu - you sent me to Coventry.”
“I sent you a text!”
“Well I didn’t get anything.”
“I promise - I asked you to meet me here at 8pm.” I can’t believe he’s being so obtuse and to prove a point I retract my phone from my pocket, scroll down to his name in my messages folder and go to the one I sent him earlier… where it sits unsent and unread with an exclamation mark next to it. Oh crap! “Bloody signal at work - see I typed it and thought I’d sent it. See!” I shove the phone in his face but his unimpressed look is statuesque. I’d probably be the same in his shoes.
I look at my feet, my voice breaks a little. “I’m sorry, I should have realised when you never replied.”
“This isn’t about some text, Lu. It’s about me giving a piece of myself to you in a way I’ve never done for anyone before; my heart - and you throwing it back in my face.”
I’m getting more and more irritated by the second. “Please don’t think that Seb - this isn’t about the fact that I don’t love you, just the opposite I promise.” I’m controlled as I spell it out to him, surprisingly calm in fact.
“Really? So what’s this about - is this about me not wanting kids?” He orders, his voice like a whiplash
Lightening splits the moment and the yard is floodlit with a lilac white flash. I can see the anger in him clearly and it must be mirrored in me, as he come towards me, instantly joining me for the cool shower and is soaked immediately. I watch a drop of water run its way from his shoulder to the hem of his black and red biker jacket. My hands itches to reach out and catch it. I snap out of the daydream, annoyed with myself at the direction of my thoughts. “Because I’ve wracked my brain and the only thing I can think that has happened between us in the past week that could possibly be a cause for your withdrawal from me is our discussion about children.”
Holy shit - what do I do - what do I do - what do I do?
“It’s not that - although I’d like to reopen that discussion at some point in the future?”
“That’s non-negotiable.”
“What? Never?”
“Never, Lu. I’ve already said Finn is enough for us. I don’t want children.”
With that last admission, I break, my bottom lip trembles, I’m suddenly very cold and shivering uncontrollably. I’m soaked through to the skin. I’ve pushed too far, too soon, I know it but I can’t seem to stop and I nod. “Come, let’s go inside.”
“I’m sorry.” A deep voice rasps nearby. He must have moved towards me again and I feel his hands on my shoulders, pulling me into his embrace. He lifts my chin with one finger and repeats, “I’m so sorry, Lu if you feel suffocated - fuck - I don’t know how to do this. I don’t do relationships. I just know that I can’t be without you. I fucking love you.”
Turning my back from him to try and compose myself, I rack my brain for how to finish things here. It is already apparent that now is not the time to tell him about the baby - if there ever will be a good time. Now he truly has the upper hand.
I move towards him, framing his face - my chest feels like it could explode with emotions I have for this sexy man, standing in the rain, expressing his love for me. Why is it that the three words I craved to hear are now not enough?
“I love you, baby - so much. I’m so sorry you feel I’ve withdrawn from you…” I kiss the corner of his lips. “…that’s an impossibility when I’m thoroughly addicted to you.”
I can feel my heart pummelling against my ribs, and he draws me firmly to his chest. “What do I need to do to convince you that I’m all in, lady?”
Take back your words about not wanting babies with me. My thoughts make my soul ache and I bite my lip to stop the tears. “I believe you, Seb.”
“I love you, and I love your body and I’ve not been inside you for getting on for ooh 24 hours. Let me show you, baby what you mean to me.”
My heart skips a beat at the sentimentality in his voice. I know he truly means it. It’s not all about sex with us - it’s his way of showing me how he feels and I nod.
“I need to be with you tonight, Lu - to stay with you.”
I have Finn but I need him too and I nod, taking his hand. I lead him back into the kitchen, switch off and we make our way upstairs.
*****
I have so many questions for the beautiful woman tucked in beside me, her soft body snuggled against mine. Why won’t you tell me what is really bothering you? What is stopping you from truly embracing us? Why won’t you let me in? What happened between Dubai International Airport and dropping you off at your house on Sunday night? Why did you fuck me into oblivion in the cinema, let go of all your inhibitions so beautifully and twenty minutes later withdraw from me as though my touch repelled you?
I’m driving myself mad with all the conflicting thoughts parading around my head, all with no obvious answers, just more murkiness and no way of getting myself out of the fog. It was impossible and I was irritating myself further with every second - I’d officially become a member of the opposite sex and grown a vagina, the amount of procrastinating I was doing over my feelings and emotions - I check under the sheet, nope, still got a dick. I need to get a grip, seriously!
She’d allowed me upstairs, and back into her bed. We’d dried off and I’d made love to her like it was the first and last time - pouring my heart and soul into it and when we came together and she shouted my name, I knew she was mine. I feel it but I also know her and there is something missing - something she’s not sharing with me.
It was a first for me to be staying with Finn asleep on the top floor of the terrace; a few weeks ago I wouldn’t have felt comfortable with it; now it felt right and as I watch Lu sleeping beside me and I look around the room, so feminine and so her, I consider the demons she’d had to tackle to let me do just that; to allow me be to here, as man of the house with her and Finn and it warms me.
We can do this. I’ve fucked it up big time in the past but we can make this work and I’d move heaven and earth for this woman, to become a family to achieve that. She is my life; my everything. I don’t care how much of a wuss I sound - it was true.
I kiss her head and wrap my arms around her, spooning her, my chest to her back and we settle in for the night; her fresh scent fills my nostrils and I inhale deeply.
This was what I need. Contact. Skin on Skin. Lu. Only Lu.
I’d had major withdrawal since we had spent so much time in our secret hideaway heaven. For all intent and purposes we’d been living together and now that we were home, I realised I didn’t want that to end. She loved me I knew that. I don’t want her in one house, whilst I ache for her in my own abode. I wanted her in my bed at my disposal every night and every morning. I wanted to go to bed with her kiss on my lips and wake with her face, the first thing that I saw.
She is it. She’s the one and this weekend I’m going to ask her and Finn to move in with me.
*****
“Night, Lu!”
“See you in the morning, Col, have a good night - love to James.” I smile and wave in his direction and catch Jackie’s head nudge in the direction of the glass doors and my insides plummet as I glimpse Leo Peterson, about to walk through them. He’d already seen me so there was no getting out of this one. I’m not surprised really - I’d managed to avoid him since I’d returned from Dubai so a visit was bound to happen sometime soon.
“I’m off too, Lu.” Jackie winces, her back to Leo and mouth’s, “Sorry.”
I smile professionally as I stand to meet and greet our guest. “Leo. Lovely to see you.” I put my hand out to shake his and he smiles broadly clasping mine in both of his.
“Lucia. No need for handshakes amongst friends - a friendly kiss will suffice.” Leaning in he plants a cool wet kiss on my cheek and I tense in surprise. I hadn’t seen that one coming, but before I can speak he continues, “How’s
business? Good little break?”
“All good, Leo, thank you. What can I do for you?”
He is in his usual black pinstripe suit, which rather than make him appear more businesslike, makes him come across as a member of the mafia. I feel sorry for him as he really did need a woman to take him shopping, as I take in his rose printed tie and red and white striped shirt - it was all a little overkill.
“I was just on my way out and I wondered if you had time for a quick drink? We could nip to the The White Horse for one?”
Why? “Oh that’s so kind of you, Leo but I’ve got plans for tonight.”
“Oh?”
“Yes. I’m out to Sebastian’s for dinner.”
His eyes narrow ever so slightly but he quickly recovers and plasters a smile across his thinnish lips. “Does he cook? I would never had had him down for a cook?”
Really why is that Leo? I wish he would rise above this pettiness, which seems to be showing more and more as I get to know him better. “Oh yes, Sebastian is an excellent chef - he trained in France, during one of his long sabbaticals out there.” Did he fuck but it was worth the white lie to see Leo’s blood pressure rise dramatically and taint his cheeks uncomfortably.
“Did he? Hmmm interesting. I suppose builders need bacon butties don’t they?” He laughs nervously and straightens the tie at his neck. “Well I’m not a huge fan of French food - far too rich on the stomach - all pomp and no substance but each to their own I suppose. I’m much happier with simpler delicacies.”
“Well I’m about to leave now, Leo, shall we walk out together?”
“Oh yes, of course I’ll see you out, Lucia. We wouldn’t want you out in the dark alone.”
His words actually give me comfort after my meeting with Abby yesterday and I’m suddenly pleased to have him there to accompany me to the car park at the back of the building. Not so pleased to have his hand in the small of my back the entire walk to our cars.
During our 5minute exit our conversation exists of mundane chatter about work, his banking world and Finn. I try to encourage his thought pattern to Meg and remind him of his girlfriend.
“I saw her the other night briefly at mine.”
“I know.”
My eyes fly up to his in surprise. I wouldn’t have thought Meg would have mentioned it but then again she was there when Sebastian arrived and probably thought the tale juicy enough to repeat. Instead of questioning him I just nod.
“Yes, she was smoking, which I detest.”
Yes, she was. “I wouldn’t know, Leo.”
“You girls gotta stick together have you? No bother - I could smell the stench on her clothes.”
Right then.
“That’s what I like about you, Lucia you don’t do dirty things like that.”
Get me out of here quick. “Ah, we’re here now, Leo. Thanks so much for being a gentleman. Sorry about the drink.”
“No worries we can do it another time. That’s what friends do don’t they?”
“Of course.” Not a chance, but of course I can’t say that now. I zap the car and open the door.
“Well enjoy your night of French cuisine, Lucia. Send my regards to Sebastian.”
“And mine to Meg.”
I slip inside and throw my bag across onto the passenger seat then close the door but something makes me look up. He’s still there.
Pressing the electric window button I lean outwards. “Anything else, Leo?”
“We’re going the same way, as I’m at Meg’s tonight - I could grab a lift with you if you like and I’ll leave my car here?”
Think and fast. “Er - normally that would be a plan but I’m staying over at Sebastian’s tonight Leo. Finn is with his dad and I might be working from home in the morning, so I won’t be in until later.”
He juts his bottom lip out and his closed mouth points downwards in an unhappy expression. “Oh right - well just an idea. See you around, Lucia, I think I’ll go for that pint in that case, before heading home. Take care.”
I smile and wave, pressing the button for the window immediately before I sit back in my seat and exhale. I’ve got a big night ahead of me; I need to get my head in the game and the last thing I’d needed was Leo Peterson hovering around me. He meant well I’m sure but maybe it was time I started looking for another Accountant and now that I had all this additional pro-forma work from The Ashton, perhaps I could pay back the rest of the bank loan with the Osten Bank and move my funds to another one. That sounded like a plan and I mentally make a note to get Jackie to look into a few different options in the morning.
*****
I really need to blitz the exterior and interior of my car one of these days - it is filthy! Frustrated, I attempt to rub at the fog, misting across my inner windscreen, with an old baby vest of Finn’s I use for such purposes, before reversing my car out of the office car park. As the nights are drawing in earlier, now the Summer has been put to bed and Autumn is tumbling in, it makes it very difficult to drive with grimy windows - if my Dad saw the state of it, he’d go spare. I will definitely sort it this weekend, along with decorating Finn’s bedroom, putting up those pictures I still have framed but leaning hopeful, behind the sofa and re-sealing the bath.
Yeah right! Like I was going to get any of that done this weekend!
This weekend, once Sebastian was fully informed, I’m sure my days of independence and freedom would be long gone - he was such a control freak, loveable but frustratingly stubborn. I must admit the thought of him being all protective and caring brings a smile to my face - I never had that with Niall, both before, during or after my pregnancy with Finn.
As I head off following the daily-grind journey home that is imprinted upon my memory like a second skin, I slump further into my bucket seat. It’s been a long day and I’ll be glad to get back to Sebastian. I’m not even going to stop at home, especially now that I knew Leo was visiting my neighbour. I didn’t need to anyway, as Niall had collected Finn from Creche and was dropping him at my parents after tea. Now that I’ve decided that tonight is the night to tell Seb our news, I’m dry-mouthed with a mixture of excitement and fear.
What if he still doesn’t want the baby? This is going to be such a shock to him - I mean who could blame him, we’ve only been together 6 weeks, talk about pressure.
What if he wants me to have an abortion? Surely once he hears that I’m actually having our child - pregnant - now - he’ll change his viewpoint on a future without further children?
This was no good. I’m tearing myself up in knots here - my stomach is like an olympic gymnast, somersaulting its way along a path with no end in sight.
I decide to call him to advise him I’m on my way. He promised to feed me, and actually cook himself and since losing my breakfast and missing lunch, I’m ravenous. His sexy voice fills the car as the line connects and warms me to the core.
“Now then, beautiful. Are you on your way? Where about’s are you?”
“I’m about 20 minutes away, I’ve taken the back route, over the tops as the traffic is terrible. You know - I’ll be going past the Rugby Club and over the bridge?”
“Yep I know. You be careful.”
“I will…”
I can hear another male voice in the background and Seb interrupts me, but I can’t hear the other voice clearly enough to understand their patter. “Hang on a min, baby - What, Chris? Yeah I’m on with Lu now, she’s 20 minutes from us, coming over the tops, and will come home past the Club. No, No, she’s coming for a meal here. Ok you off now? Right well I’ll catch up with you later. Cheers, mate….” I hear a bit of a commotion before my man’s sexy drawl is back “Right, I’m here again. That was Chris just wondering if you were passing the chippy on your way but I told him you weren’t going that way.”
“Oh, I’d have happily picked something up for him - which chippy?”
“The one on Main Street - totally out of your way, Lu - it’s fine. He’s
left now.”
“Ok, if you’re sure. I’m sorry I’m so late, I had to finalise some bits and got collared by Leo but pretty soon I’ll be all yours.”
“I like the sound of that.” The promise in his words is hard to miss and I shiver in anticipation.
“I have news too.”
“Have you now?”
“Don’t tease, Mr. Silver - I’m being serious. Something I should have told you last night, well the night before actually but well… you’ll know soon enough.”
“I’m all ears.”
“Not now - but soon. What have you cooked?”
“Chicken Asparagus with parmentier potatoes and broccoli.” Soo much better than fish and chips and a lardy roof of your mouth. Ah, he cooked and really lovely food - my white lie to Leo had’t been so far-fetched.
“Ooh sounds delish - I’m bloody starving.”
“I aim to please - although maybe we could eat after…”
“After what?” I love playing with him, that we’ve reached this point in our relationship where we can openly show how much we want one another and have fun with it.
“After I’ve had my dessert - I’d like something sweet and lickable first.”
“And what would that be?”
“You. I want to make sweet love to you.”
God I want that too.
My body reacts to his words and I feel a flush glide across my skin. “I love you.”
“I love you too, baby.”
I hope you still love me after my news. Our news.
“See you soon.”
“Can’t wait.”
I click the end button on a smug grin. We were crazy into one another and have seriously turned the next corner, without a doubt. Not quite at the ‘no you hang up…no you hang up’ stage, thank God - but not far off.
For the next ten minutes, I make great time, the traffic is clear and I mentally tap myself on the back for my quick thinking in taking this route home. I sing along enthusiastically to Jessie J’s Laserlight on my playlist, blaring from the speakers and as the chorus begins I churn out the words with a beam - they remind me of Sebastian so much. You make me good, you make me feel safe, you make me feel like I good live another day…
The One Addicted (The One Trilogy Book 2) Page 34