by Jan Drexler
Ellie listened to her sisters’ chatter. She had been the same way with Sally and Lovina once, their three heads together, sharing their secrets, their dreams. Mandy and Rebecca would have the same sweet girlhood memories.
“There’s another robin!”
Johnny looked where Susan pointed. “Ne, that one’s a blue jay. See how big he is? And his blue feathers?”
Susan didn’t argue, but kept her eyes on the side of the road.
Ellie’s thoughts went back to Mandy and Rebecca. She’d had that same anticipation when she was their age. Riding to church was an adventure, with Lovina giggling about the boys they would see and Sally bouncing with anticipation of seeing her best friend again. She had looked forward to the singing, even the long sermons, and the fellowship. What had changed?
She never had the urge to kick against the restraints of the church that some people talked about. The Ordnung was safe. It provided security against the changing world. Even when her friends tried living outside the protective fence of the Ordnung during their Rumspringa, Ellie never saw the lure. She knew where she belonged.
Bram Lapp had left the community once.... What would it be like to leave her loved ones behind, to take the children somewhere and start fresh where no one knew her? The thought pressed against her heart, stopping her breath. It would be like dying. Ne, she could never leave her home, her family.
Dat turned south at the corner, and Ellie closed her eyes against the morning sun hitting her face.
She must work through this emptiness somehow. Church for her meant nothing more than a long day with a headache. The children needed tending, and every week it was harder to keep them still during the meeting. The hymns were so long, the prayers drawn out. There had been a time when the singing was her favorite part of a Sunday. Now she just waited for it to be over.
“Is that one a robin?”
“Ja, see his red breast?”
Ellie gave herself a mental shake. Her children needed her. A pasted-on smile was better than none, and a kind word to a friend could help lift her spirits. But how many more church Sundays were going to pass before the smile became genuine again?
Dat turned the buggy into the driveway of the Yoders’ farm, joining a line of other buggies. When they approached the sidewalk leading to the house, Ellie saw the buggy in front of Reuben’s stop. Matthew Beachey jumped down, then reached back to help Annie. He walked with her to the lines of people waiting to go into the house while their buggy drove on.
Bram must be driving the buggy. What would she say to him? She had been so rude on Thursday at the work frolic.
Polite. She could be polite and hope he would forgive her rudeness.
Ellie joined the line of women in the front yard. She returned the smiles of several, exchanging the brief hug and brush of the lips on the cheek that was the kiss of peace. The group was quiet other than occasional murmured greetings. The time for visiting and fellowship would come later.
* * *
Bram couldn’t keep his eyes up front. Church hadn’t changed in twelve years. Even here in Eden Township, the sermons were the same High German as in Shipshewana—difficult to follow and meaningless. He tried to listen to the first sermon, but he lost the minister’s point and found his mind wandering, just as it had always done. He concentrated on looking alert and interested while all the time his thoughts were elsewhere.
This morning he couldn’t keep his mind off Ellie. Glancing her way, he saw the distracted look, the line between her eyes. His years undercover had taught him to read people, and that line was a telltale sign she had a headache. A young boy sat quietly between her and Elizabeth, and Ellie kept Susan busy playing with a handkerchief baby while the littlest boy slept on her lap.
That one strand of Ellie’s hair wouldn’t stay tucked in her kapp, and Bram tried not to stare. The minister’s voice droned on, forgotten. Each time he glanced at her, the strand was looser, until it was a curling mist circling her ear. Every movement of her head caused it to droop a little farther. How far would she let it go before she reached up to tuck it in? What would it feel like if he tucked it in for her? Would the soft, silky strand catch on his newly calloused fingers, or would it glide through his hand like smooth water?
She looked up and caught his eyes, holding them for a brief second before she turned to the front again. A red glow started at her neck and traveled up. Bram ducked his head to the floor and smiled. She wasn’t immune to him, either.
* * *
When Dat stood to preach the main sermon of the morning, Ellie shifted Danny’s weight to her other arm. He was a heavy load as he slept on her lap.
“Memmi, are we almost done?” Susan’s whisper carried to the women around them.
Ellie lifted her finger to her lips to remind Susan to be quiet, then leaned down to whisper in her ear, “Almost.”
Dat stood with his head bowed. His silent prayer before the sermon was always longer than any other minister’s. Dat claimed it was to clear his head and discern the Spirit’s leading, and maybe it was. All she knew was that it made the sermon last far longer than her back could bear.
Her head pounded. There—Bram was looking at her again. She turned her head to avoid his gaze, but she could still see him out of the corner of her eye. When would this service be over?
“The passage for today’s sermon is from Hebrews, the twelfth chapter, the first three verses.” Dat’s voice broke into her thoughts.
Ellie tuned the familiar verses out. The women on the other side of Mam sat with rapt attention, listening to Dat as if hearing the reading for the first time.
Dat’s voice broke through her thoughts as he started in on his sermon.
“We must take Jesus Christ himself as our example, as the apostle Paul exhorts us in Philippians: ‘Let this mind be in you, which was also in Christ Jesus.’”
Of course Jesus Christ should be her example. His humility and sinless life had been held up to her as the goal of every Christian ever since she could remember, but with this thought Ellie shifted. It was her pride that had brought her to this place in her life. She could blame no one but herself.
“Jesus Christ didn’t dwell on the trials of his present day. He looked forward to the joy that was set before Him—the joy of His eternal place at the right hand of the throne of Gott.”
Not dwell on her present trials when they dragged her down on every side? What was Dat trying to say?
“So lay aside the sin, the weight of your sin, that you may run the race set before you. Look forward with joy, and trust Gott for the reward He has set before you.”
This startled Ellie so much that she missed the rest of the sermon. Trust Him? The Gott who took her Daniel? And look forward to what with joy? A life alone, seeking to fulfill Daniel’s dreams? She rubbed the spot between her eyebrows where the headache was centered. She could see no joy set before her.
Ellie glanced over to the men’s side of the room, where Bram was listening to the sermon instead of trying to catch her eye for once. He leaned forward, resting his forearms on his knees as his gaze fastened on Dat. What was he learning from this sermon?
Eli Schrock’s testimony followed Dat’s sermon, reaffirming everything that had been said, and then he added his own final comment. “You young folk, especially, trust Gott’s leading in your life. Follow Him as a sheep follows a shepherd, and then you can hope that He will bring you into His glory.”
Follow Gott? How could she follow Gott when His voice was silent?
The congregation standing for the hymn of dismissal startled Ellie. She had been so caught in her own thoughts that she had missed the closing prayer.
The headache pressed down.
She shifted Danny again to stand with the others, but she didn’t sing. She couldn’t. She leaned her cheek against Danny’s soft hair.
<
br /> Ach, Gott. She kissed Danny’s head, swallowing back the tears that wanted to fall. Ach, Gott, help me. I can’t bear this any longer.
* * *
All through dinner, Bram watched for Ellie among the other women who were serving, but with no luck. He finished his ham sandwich and potato salad, then went to wait under an oak tree while the women cleared the tables.
A group of older boys gathered in the front pasture across the farm lane, a few of them with baseball bats. This was one Sunday afternoon tradition he remembered well.
“Bram, it’s good to see you today.”
He turned to see John Stoltzfus walking toward him. Bram shook his hand.
“Denki, it’s good to see you, too.”
“How are things going?”
“Coming along.” Bram nodded. “The farm is nearly ready for me to move onto it. I pick up my buggy on Tuesday afternoon. I’ll be over before then to get the gelding.”
John waved his hand in the air, dismissing all that Bram had said.
“I mean the rest of your life. You’re still getting on well with your brother-in-law?”
Bram glanced over at Matthew as he stood with a group of other men. Matthew’s wiry build made him look as if he’d fit in with the cowboys Bram had seen around the stockyards in Chicago better than in this community of Amish farmers.
“Ja, I’m glad Annie married such a good man.”
“What about your brother? Have you seen him again?”
He wouldn’t have anything to do with Samuel if he could help it, but John wouldn’t understand any more than Matthew had.
“I’ll leave that up to Samuel. He knows where I am if he wants to see me.”
A young boy wandered up to John and leaned against his leg, glancing up at Bram, his brown eyes looking so much like Susan’s that Bram placed him right away. It was the boy who had been sitting with Ellie during church.
“Bram, this is my grandson Johnny.”
“Hi, Johnny,” Bram said. The boy stuck close to his grandfather and eyed Bram doubtfully.
“Johnny...” Bram could hear the gentle rebuke in John’s voice.
“Hello.” The boy gave his grandfather’s leg a quick hug and then wandered to the edge of the pasture to watch the older boys.
“Johnny is Ellie’s oldest,” John said as he watched the boy walk away. “He misses his father. Dawdi here just doesn’t fill in that gap very well.”
Bram was silent, watching Johnny as he leaned against the pasture fence, his head tilted into one hand. An outsider. Bram swallowed. Yes, he remembered that part of Sunday afternoons, too. A boy with no father to bring him into the game, and no one cared. At least Johnny had his Dawdi, even if John didn’t think he was enough.
“What happened to his father?” Bram almost bit back the words, but it was too late. What right did he have to ask?
“It was nearly two years ago.” John’s eyes were on his grandson as he spoke. “I know Johnny remembers that day well. Ellie has said he still has nightmares about it, even though he didn’t witness the accident. Daniel—Johnny’s father—had a new team of Belgians. They were green broke, and Daniel planned on finishing their training, but he didn’t get a chance. Something spooked them while he was harnessing them for work one morning...trapped him against the barn wall.”
John paused, but Bram could fill in where he left off. It was obvious that John still struggled with his own memories of that day.
“Ellie was right there with Susan. They saw it all. Ellie had to get the horses away from Daniel, and somehow she was able to do it. She stayed calm enough to move the horses into the pasture, send Johnny to the neighbor’s for help and try to save Daniel. He died that evening.”
“What a tragedy,” Bram said. It was the only thing he could say. He saw Ellie in his imagination, trying to save her husband, to protect her children.... She hid a steel core under that stubbornness.
“It was a hard time, especially for her. She and the children moved to our place. She couldn’t stay on Daniel’s farm, and didn’t want to after the accident, but our Dawdi Haus was empty, so it was the perfect place for her and the two children. Little Danny came to live with us eight months later.”
Bram looked at Johnny again. The boy kicked at the fence post as he leaned against the boards. That whole family needed a man who could be a real husband and father to them.
But that man wasn’t him—not by a long shot.
* * *
Where was Johnny? Ellie paused in the shade of the big maple tree that grew between the drive and the back door of Welcome Yoder’s house and searched each group of church members with her eyes. There he was, watching the softball game.
Now that she had found him, what else could she do? Ellie twisted her fingers together at her waist. The children were all occupied, and the afternoon stretched in front of her. Dat wouldn’t be ready to go home until the ball game was done. At least the headache was easing.
“Ellie!”
Lovina and Annie Beachey had found a bench near the house, and Lovina was waving her over.
“I haven’t gotten a chance to visit with you yet today.” Lovina grasped Ellie’s hand and pulled her down next to her.
Ellie sighed as she took her seat. “It’s good to see you, too. How are both of you feeling?”
“Oh, I’m not sure how much longer I’ll be able to wait,” Annie said. She fanned herself with a handkerchief. “I know the weather isn’t hot yet, but I feel like I have a furnace inside me!”
Ellie laughed at the comical face Annie made. “Just be glad you aren’t like poor Lovina. She has the whole summer to wait!”
“Oh, but we all know it’s worth it,” Lovina said. “I would go through this every summer just to hold a wee one in my arms at the end.”
Ellie looked away from them as she felt unexpected tears spring to her eyes. What was the matter with her that she couldn’t join in a conversation about babies?
She half listened to Lovina and Annie’s conversation as she watched the groups of men in the yard. Dat was talking with Bram and a couple others, and then Welcome Yoder and Eli Schrock joined the group. It looked as if Dat was making sure Bram met them all.
Levi Zook walked over to join them, his ready laugh already carrying to her ears. Ja, and he looked in her direction. Ellie turned her gaze away from the men. Poor Levi. She felt for him, bearing the raising of his children alone since his wife died, but not enough to marry him when she felt nothing more than pity.
She waited until she heard him talking with another group, then looked at Bram again. He blended in so well with the other men she would never call him Englisch now. His Englisch haircut was hidden under his hat, and with his clean-shaven face, he looked like an older bachelor. He joined in the conversation and even stood with the same relaxed posture. If she didn’t know better, she would think he really was one of them.
“Ellie.” Lovina’s voice broke into her thoughts. “Annie wants to know what you think of her brother Bram.”
“I’ve only just met him. I can’t say what I think of him yet.”
“Well, he’s talked about visiting with your Dat and being at the farm,” Annie said. “And he’s mentioned everyone in the family except you. That’s a sure sign he’s been thinking about you.”
Ellie felt her face blush. If he thought about her at all, it for sure wouldn’t be romantic thoughts, as rude as she’d been. But now, watching him in deep conversation with Dat and the other men, she couldn’t remember why he had upset her so. It didn’t look as if he was trying to bring his Englisch ways to the community; in fact, it looked as if he was trying hard to fit in.
“How soon will he move to his new farm?” Lovina asked.
“He said he wants to this next week, but I don’t want him to go yet. That old house i
s barely livable, and we’ll miss having him around when he goes. But he says he wants to get started on the spring work. It’s getting late as it is.”
Someone in the group of men must have told a joke, because just then they all started laughing. Bram turned and looked straight at Ellie, the dimple on his right cheek making him more attractive than ever. He paused when he saw her looking at him and gave her a smile that started sliding into his grin. Ellie turned away before it did. How could she let him catch her watching him?
“I’d better go look for Danny,” she said, rising from the bench. “It’s time for his diaper to be changed.”
“Oh, Sally can do that,” Lovina said, catching her arm and pulling her back to her seat again. “We want to know what you think of Bram.”
“What I think of him? Why would that make a difference?”
“You’re both single, about the same age. Who wouldn’t think of the two of you together? You don’t have to be secretive about it like the younger folk are. And since you won’t consider Levi...”
Ellie tried not resent her sister’s clumsy matchmaking. Of course people would think of them pairing up, and after watching Bram today, she realized it wasn’t as impossible as she had thought at first. But she wasn’t getting married again, no matter how hard Lovina pushed. If she only wanted another husband, she could have married Levi Zook months ago. Ne, marriage wasn’t in her plans, was it?
“We hardly know each other. I don’t think we’ve spoken more than five words to each other,” Ellie said firmly. “Don’t count your chickens before they’re hatched, Lovina.”
“I’m not counting chickens, Ellie, just trying to get the hen to lay a few eggs.”
Annie burst into laughter at this, and Ellie found herself smiling at her sister’s joke.
“I’ll think about it.”