by Cage, Aria
In front of me is a fork in the road, stay and hope for a relatively happy life with Paul, or leave. But where would I go? Who will be there for me when I crash? What will become of me with no one to love?
“Charlotte, come have some dinner,” Paul says, bringing two served plates to the candlelit table.
He looks so soft and handsome under the flickering light; I still don’t understand what he sees in me. I still can’t believe such a man could ever be cruel. Most times, he’s not. Most times he is caring and gentle and loving, just needing to be loved himself. He’s broken, and I can relate to that.
Walking with purpose, I wrap my arms around his shoulders and kiss his parted lips that await and know me.
I WANTED TO GET Davey last night. In part, it was my manipulative doing for him to go there. It’s the first time I have used his disorder to my advantage, and I feel like a right asshole for doing it. Desperate men turn to into assholes sometimes, I guess.
I couldn’t drive him there. Davey can’t keep a secret to save his life, but I wasn’t comfortable with him walking alone after dark, so I followed him. I watched as Charlie welcomed him in, gritting my teeth until I’m sure I was pulverizing them to dust, when I saw her in that sweet negligée she wore for him. Nona saw my truck around the block, so I know I was made, yet I would put up with the scolding over and over for a chance to see Charlie, to help her.
She needs to help herself; I know this. In fact, if any anonymous program is accurate, she needs to want to help herself. But I think she needs a nudge to see that she deserves a new life away from her new abuser.
I still can’t believe what a fool I was not to see it. The signs were there, the way she moved hesitantly around him, how she never looked for Nona or Davey when she returned. It was my pride and hope that she had fallen into the blessed life of a doctor’s girl, and maybe one day his wife, wanting to leave her tainted life behind. I didn’t even care that she dressed differently or spoke differently, like those upper-class women from country clubs. I just wanted her to be happy, even though it wasn’t with me, because women like her wouldn’t look at men like me. But now I know, and I won’t stand back and watch her shrivel into the other kind of women—the beaten-down kind, and I don’t just mean physically; mentally is just as dangerous.
So no, I don’t feel the tremendous guilt I should for sending Davey out to ask her to the picnic today. I knew she would never be able to deny him, which means, I’ll get her away from Paul for a while; long enough for her to see her home is with me.
I won’t be playing ball with everyone today, which is a shit because she could never deny me without a shirt on before—well that, and the injured shoulder is a bit of a handicap. But I have a plan.
Nona leans into me, “She might run once she sees you. I hope you’re prepared for that, because your cheeky grin scares me,” she says, and I chuckle.
“Ye of little faith. She won’t disappoint Davey, and she will find it increasingly difficult to deny me. Once Charlie gets here, everything will come around the way it always should have been.”
“Oh, sweet boy, I just don’t want you to get your hopes up, is all.”
“Nah. Stop worrying about me; go rescue Davey from the likes of Carla.”
Nona looks over at my brother, he’s glowing as red as the tablecloth in front of him. Carla, his girlfriend, just kissed his cheek, and they both giggle into their shoulders. It’s like watching kids, so innocent and untouched by a cruel world. I will always protect him from that cruelty until I die. A vow both Charlie and I made their first week at school, when Billy Summers and his dickhead followers threw a rock at Davey. It wasn’t long after that Nona took him out of regular school and began home-schooling him. It was lucky she found so much help from Willow Lakes.
The next day, Charlie, all of six years old, walked right up to Billy and kicked him in the shins. I watched from my bench right up until that moment when fear struck me down hard as Billy recovered quickly and raised his hand to her.
I was quick, even back then, and I drove my shoulder into Billy, forcing us both to the ground. It wasn’t my first suspension, nor it my last, but the bond between Charlie and I was like stone. I knew she would always look out for Davey without thought of repercussions, just as I had. Dangerous for both of us, for many reasons we never understood at that age, nor cared, but Davey needed us. And now, I’m using her need to care and protect him against her for her own good.
Nona chuckles as she wanders toward the table of friends and family members of Willow Lakes. I wish she had an easier life with a loving man by her side again, but coming into the life of a woman caring for a grown man with the mentality of a thirteen-year-old, an ex-con grandson, and shit-load of rumors, no man worth a damn comes her way.
I fill the last icebox with ice, close the lid, and look up to find Charlie’s car pull into the lot. My heart raps hard and fast, but I keep my cool. I feel like a fucking teenager again, only I never had that underlining fear of rejection before. Charlie had always been mine, and I hers. This was completely foreign to me.
I grab the other empty ice bags and tread toward the bins which so happened to be near the lot. I can see her through the windshield staring at me. She had to know I’d be here, but she still looks as though she’s in shock. Good sign? Who knows?
She’s composing herself from behind the wheel, and I try not to grin as I make my way to her car after dumping the rubbish. She watches me like I’m a wild animal approaching her car, like those drive-thru zoos. I’d love to take her to one of those; we seemed to spend a lot of time at Mrs Fisher’s after her first visit with the eagle. I think she needed to see it was possible to be once damaged, and then free.
I open her door and smile as her eyes stalk my every move. “You can’t stay in there, you’ll cook.”
“It would be easier to,” she admits, making me laugh.
I reach for her hand, and she follows every single move, right to my fingers wrapping around hers, pulling her delicate hand toward me, urging her body to follow. In slow motion, she follows, and it takes everything for me not to wrap my arms around her and kiss her as she stands so close by my side. She’s still hawk watching my every move as I close her door. I hate that she thinks everything would be easier than being with me. But I guess it’s true, and you can’t argue with what is.
“Easy has never been how we roll, Charlie.” But that doesn’t mean I will give up. I’ll just fight harder.
I FOLLOWED HIM RIGHT to the slaughter… okay, slaughter probably isn’t the accurate adjective, but with all the staring and questions, I would rather the easy slaughter.
Everyone is nice―nice smiles, nice conversation, nice families, but nice doesn’t mean anything real. My mother was nice, yet she had a child to a monster. Daddy was nice―a nice member of the community, nice public servant within the force; nice was his mask to the truth of the darkness to his soul. Paul is nice, until he feels threatened. I’m nice, and yet… you get the point. Nice is nothing but a cover people use in the presence of others, and I’m surrounded by niceties.
The only real person in my life has been Nate. He is the only snowflake among us, different, and beautiful, and fragile. I know if I hold him, I’ll destroy him. I knew that a long time ago. That’s why I never visited him after he go out of prison and never came for him when he was released into a world he wouldn’t understand. He chose to keep me away while he was inside, and I kept to that. I chose to honor his wishes and never call, never write. I did him better than that; I let him live.
I look at him stuffing a chicken roll in his mouth, his skin glowing with the bright sun above, and the glistening of the lake, his eyes brightly lit with contentment and love. He is beautiful and deserves the world. I know I did the right thing. I also know he still wants me, though I think it’s out of habit. Nate always said I was brainwashed by Daddy, but I wasn’t his only victim. Nate doesn’t realize it, but he was brainwashed, too. He doesn’t really want me, love me, or
need me. He has been programmed to believe these things. If I hadn’t taken his hand that day and taken him into my hell, he would be with a woman who was beautiful on the inside as well at the outside; she would be giving him babies, and they would be holding hands right now, sharing this lunch with loved ones.
That’s what should be happening in Nate’s life, but because fate is a complete and unfaithful bitch, Nate sees that kind of future with me. I can practically feel it still vibrating from his soul. We used to dream of such things, but dreams are for the innocent and naïve. I am definitely neither.
I try not to stare at him like a wishful idiot, and instead find Nona’s eyes. She’s only slightly better than Nate; she wishes like we do, but she also sees the painful reality in our future. I never want to hurt them more than I already have, and my being here with them raises the odds on that happening.
“She’s worried,” Nate whispers in my ear and then squeezes my thigh. He shouldn’t touch me. I shouldn’t let him touch me either, but for the life of me, I can’t seem to summon my hand to move it, or my mouth to tell him to either. I should never have said yes to this.
“She has every right to be,” I say not looking at him.
“For today, could you just enjoy yourself? Enjoy being here with family… with me.”
I turn to him, our faces, our lips, so close I can’t help but drop my eyes to them. “If I start, I don’t know if I can do what I must.”
“And what is that?”
I think he knows exactly what I’m referring to, but his warm breath and the pull of him keep me glued, drawing out my answer. “Leave.”
“So don’t.” There is a desperate begging underlining in his words, and I agree. I really do.
I don’t want to leave, and I want to tell him that. But if I do, he will never be free.
Our breathing is so shallow, and I look him in the eyes again, past those long lashes that beg for my kiss. “I can’t stay.”
“I will let you go if you kiss me, right here, right now,” he dares me. I’m about to look for our audience; there’s about fifteen families here, but he shakes his head just a little. “Just you and me, no one else matters other than you and me. It’s your last chance; kiss me, and I will let you go.”
I bite my lip before I take that last breath. One last kiss and we will both be free. Simple, right?
“Nathan, Charlie, you have a guest arriving,” Nona’s voice breaks through the cloud I’m floating on. My face flushes with heat as I glance her way to see she is looking behind us to the parking lot. I feel my stomach turn, like a rot deep inside me. I don’t need to look to know who it’s going to be, and if he had been just a fraction later, he would have been just in time to see a kiss… or maybe he was just in time to stop a mistake.
I rise from my chair beside Nate. His hand slips from my thigh, and the long sigh drenches me with guilt as I go to another man. Paul doesn’t smile as he approaches; he studies me as I move toward him. Then his eyes dart to where I was sitting, or more to the point, whom I was sitting by so closely. I can see the deep bunching of his muscles in his hand; the tell. I just might feel that hand tonight, but I have plenty of time to take the fear from him. I know my monster, and that’s the key. I was too young to understand my daddy, but not anymore.
I reach him, smiling, taking his tight hands in mine. I peck his beautiful lips that at first don’t respond, but when they do, he is loving and thorough. I know it isn’t for me; it’s a claim, but the tightness in his hands begins to soften, so it’s a sweet price to pay.
“Come have some lunch,” I say, smiling all nice. See, nice covers a lot of truths.
“I already had something at the hospital, but I missed you. I have Jacob covering for me for a little while, and then I have to go back.”
He isn’t lying. He really does miss me, but I know he also made the surprise visit to check up on me, and more than likely, check up on Nate, too. “I miss you, too. Come sit with me for a bit then.” I pull him toward our table amongst the five others. Folks are watching intrigued, and I put on my nice face. “Everyone, this is Paul Parker. Paul, this is everyone.”
Paul nods as a mob of “Hello, Paul” comes before he takes my chair beside Nate.
“Charlotte.” He holds his hand out for me. I take it, and he pulls me onto his lap. This doesn’t mean anything but possession to Paul, but to Nate and I, it means so much more. Nate has no idea what I let Paul do to me; Nate would never forgive me after all he has done for me. But when he looks at me, I can see the pain and hatred.
Before anyone knows what’s happening, Nate bursts from his chair, which lands on its back, and he’s storming toward the tree line. I watch him leave with inner turmoil, and despite everything I have learned for self-preservation, I turn to Paul and will his permission with my silent plea. He shrugs and I kiss his cheek. He isn’t okay with it; he is more like indifferent—which is so much worse.
I could have let Nate go, let him think the worst; after all, it is the truth. But Nate had gone to jail for me. He had lost more than just years for me, and if I was to face a dreadful punishment for making sure he didn’t do something stupid himself, then that is the price I will pay. To be honest… I would pay the ultimate price for his happiness.
Once again, Nona comes to our rescue and calls for a game of ball before dessert. Hopefully it will keep Paul and everyone entertained for a little while.
I don’t run even though my legs beg my brain otherwise. I already have drawn enough attention and enough punishment; running would just offer more than I could possible defend.
It doesn’t take me long to find him; the sounds of his groans pull me to him. In the shadow, I find him leaning against one of the trunks on his haunches. He hears me before he sees me, but doesn’t rise; he just looks up at me, tears in his eyes that break my heart and anything else of substance I have left in me.
“Why?” he croaks.
“It’s not like you think.”
“Liar! I fucking know you, and I know what you look like when in that position, when in that frame of mind.” He’s on his feet and takes my shoulders in his sharp grip. “Why would you allow anyone to do that to you again? After everything? You let him take ownership of you and call you Charlotte, like… like he did.” The tears are streaming down his face and now mine.
“I don’t know,” I breathe.
He looks up at the trees and nods before looking at me again. “He will kill you. You know that, right? If not physically, he will take all that’s left, everything I love.”
“That’s what you don’t understand, Nate.” I sigh, tears flowing freely at the truth I know deep inside that I’m about to unleash. “I don’t have anything left to kill, and to physically die would probably fix everything else.”
The shock presented on his face, followed by anger, raises the hairs on the back of my neck, and my heart quivers in my chest.
He slams me against the tree trunk, bringing a squeak from my throat. I’m not scared of him; it’s more like he… thrills me. His violence has shaken something deep inside me.
“Are you really that fucked up?” he growls.
I lick my lips and will him to kiss me as I stare at his. “Yes,” I rasp.
“Why won’t you fight? Is that what you want? To give up?” he’s practically shrieking. It pains him to see me like this, and yet it makes me hot. Yeah, I’m that fucked up. “Fine!” he growls, and pulls me from the tree and spins me so my back meets his heaving chest. My breathing is erratic and then he pulls me to the ground so I’m on his lap and his lips are to my ear. “This is what you want?!”
I tip my head back and wish he would just kiss me. I want his lips so bad, but instead I feel his hard grip on my inner thigh.
“Is this the only way to have you? Is this the only way I can ever have you?”
I want him to stop talking, stop asking me things I can’t put words to. I don’t want him to be angry. I don’t want him to think about those days, and yet�
� he is right. Slowly I climb and drag myself from the fog, and, I push at his grasp on my warm sex. He grips me and I begin to do something I have never done against Nate. I fight against him. I’ve never had to fight him, not ever. But this is different; his intentions are different. Nate is punishing me, not doing it because I asked him to for the love of my daddy. He’s not doing it because he wants me and loves me; he’s punishing me like Paul would.
I have finally crushed my snowflake.
Now I fight, I fight hard, pushing and thrusting my weight. Never have I fought against Paul, but that was a punishment I knew I had to take. I can’t have Nate take this from me or him. I can’t take the last piece of him away and turn him into a monster, too.
“Fight harder,” he demands.
I elbow him in the ribs hard enough to make him grunt, and instead of his hands on my thigh and sex, they are at my waist. He pants in my ear as I pant against my damp chest, which pricks against the breeze from the lake.
“Let me go, Nate,” I say catching my breath.
“Not yet.”
I don’t know what to do, so I let him slide his arms around me, swallowing me. I lean into him, my hands resting on his thighs. The thumping of his heartbeat against my back is like an old soothing song, welcoming me home. I want to go home.
“Charlie, you scare me.” I try to lean forward, needing to be able to turn and look at him, but he won’t allow it, and pulls me tighter. “I’m scared the only love you will accept is one that causes you actual pain.”
“I’m scared for the same reason, Nate. If I stay with you, it will be nothing but pain for you.”
Nate buries his mouth into my neck and kisses my skin so softly my chest aches and fresh tears prick against my eyes. “Me too,” he breathes against the dampness of my skin, his steamy breath almost a tickle. “But I can’t love another. It will always be you, Charlie. It’s always been you, and will always only be you.”
That’s what I’m afraid of… brainwashed.