by Cat Porter
“Really? What you need, huh? Well, lover boy, when you’re unable to be honest in that bed of yours, you pay the price.”
“Honest? Did you really just say honest?” He roared with throaty laughter, slamming a hand down on the bar top.
“Yes, I did.” I saluted him with my glass.
“What the fuck is going on?” a dark-haired woman with flashing brown eyes butted in between us.
“Excuse me? Who the hell are you?” Sam asked, his eyes narrowing.
It couldn’t be. It was.
I would recognize those huge almond shaped brown eyes and that bitter scowl anywhere. “Tania?”
Tania Reigert—my best friend from high school. Fellow Meager native. Fellow escapee of said town.
“What the hell are you doing here?”
“I live here.”
“Since when?”
“Today.” She shot a frown at Sam. “Who the hell are you?”
“Sam Tremont. And you? Should I ask, or are you going to shoot me?”
“Tania,” she replied, a sour look on her face. She then shot it back at me. “He fucking cannot be the new husband.”
“Excuse me?” Sam’s eyes lit up.
Tania only ignored him. “Grace, say it isn’t so.”
“How do you know about my husband, for God’s sake?” I asked.
“Meager has paparazzi, my starlet. Were you unaware?”
“Ah, your sister. I bump into her at Erica’s coffee place a lot. Wait, and her husband came to the shop recently, looking at bikes. Not sure how serious he was though.”
Tania rolled her eyes. “Fred on a bike? He wishes. What a poser. Penny told me about you getting married to another Jack.”
Sam slammed his beer on the bar top. “A Jack? What the hell is a Jack?”
“He’s not just another One-Eyed Jack, Tania. Don’t start with me. Are we just going to pick up where we left off years ago? Because that is truly going to piss me off, and I’m not in the mood today.”
“Okay.” Unruffled, Tania turned back to Sam. “And I repeat, who are you?”
Sam grinned as he waved his empty beer bottle at Randy. “Grace and I know each other from way back. I was just passing through town and bumped into her here at this delightful bar.”
“Hey, it is a delightful bar. Watch it, jerk,” I said.
My phone jiggled on the bar top, quivering on the polished wood surface like a fat bumblebee stuck on its back. I let out a heavy exhale.
“Are you gonna answer your goddamn phone?” Sam asked.
“No, I’m not. That okay with you?”
One of Sam’s eyebrows quirked, his lips twitching. “More than okay with me.”
Randy slid a new beer in front of us. Sam winked at me, clinking my glass with his fresh bottle. “Shit, Grace. Were we ever this straight with each other before?”
“I don’t think so, but at this moment”—I shrugged—“I can’t say I remember.”
“Shame, darlin’.” He laughed, and I shoved his arm and laughed too.
“Could I have a Miner Red Ale,” Tania asked Randy.
Randy immediately went to the tap and poured out the richly colored local microbrew. He slid the foam-topped glass toward her.
Tania settled on the barstool on my other side and wedged into our conversation like mortar between bricks. The three of us sat and talked for over an hour. Or was it two? We kept drinking. Sam’s buddies came over—two of whom I knew, and the other I didn’t. They told funny stories from their trip up from Texas, and we laughed. It was fun, and it felt good. Tania stood vigil over me, picking up guard duty of her bestie right where she’d left off, even though that was many, many years ago. After we played a sloppy game of darts, Tania and I returned to our stools at the bar.
“What the hell are you doing here?” I asked. “How long has it been? I can’t even remember.”
“Maybe all that booze did something to your brain cells.”
“Shut up.”
“Last time I saw you was at your wedding—your first wedding, that is.”
“Right. You took off after that without much of a good-bye.”
“Yes, I’m sorry about that. I am.”
“So? Did you find a super exciting new life beyond Meager?”
“Did you?”
I only laughed. Where to begin? Sixteen years of a forced walkabout around the country? Laying low and living half a life? Nope, not in the mood for that conversation right now.
Tania let out a sigh. “Oh, there’s plenty of life out there but nothing too spectacular.”
“That sounds like it deserves another round or two. What do you say?”
“I say, you’ve had enough.”
“Nice. I haven’t seen you in over twenty freaking years, and here you are, yet again, telling me what to do. You haven’t missed a beat.”
“The hallmark of a true friend. Penny also told me about your dad being back. And about Ruby. I was really sorry to hear about Ruby. How are you doing with that? No need to answer actually. Not too great, by the looks of it.”
I shook my head. “Here she goes again.”
“Come on. What do you want me to say? I haven’t even gotten to Dig yet. But we’ll save that rewind for another time. So, what’s new, buttercup? New husband, good times, right?”
“Oh, no, no, no. No more me. You entertain me now. Let’s hear it. This was the girl who wanted nothing more to do with her hometown, had big shiny plans for herself and her future, who shook her head at her former best friend’s life course as—and I quote—‘an old lady of a swaggering good-for-nothing biker.’” I batted my eyelashes at her. “Let’s hear it.”
“I’m sorry about that. You loved him. That should’ve been enough for me. He loved you, too.”
I averted my gaze and signaled Randy for a Miner Red Ale. “Spill. What’s doing with you?”
“I got married, too, but I’m getting a divorce. At least I want one. He doesn’t want one. Thinks I’m overreacting. That’s a guy thing, right? That we’re always overreacting? Fuck that. He’s back in Wisconsin. I came home to help my sister get Mom settled into a rehab in Rapid for a couple of months. She fell and broke her hip. It’s been a bit rough.”
“Very thorough Reader’s Digest version of the life update. I appreciate it.”
“You’re very welcome. It’s my forte—multitasking, concentrating vital information, organizing heaps of junk.”
“Hold on.” I touched her arm. “Rae is in a rehab facility? Oh, shit no.”
Tania’s mother, Rae, was one of the most headstrong, independent women I had ever known.
“Exactly. Don’t have a choice though. Her MS has been progressing fast, and she can’t be in that house on her own. She fell in the kitchen and broke her hip two weeks ago, had surgery. Now there’s lots of physical and occupational therapy ahead of her.”
“I’m sorry. I didn’t know. So much has been going on for me lately that I haven’t had a chance to visit with her at all.”
Randy brought my beer. “Could you get us two glasses of water?” Tania asked.
“Sure thing.”
She glanced at me, leaning over the bar top. “So, let’s hear it.”
“What?”
“Why are you doing an impression of your mother while you’ve got a brand-new beast of a man at home? Hmm?”
“I’m not Janet.”
“Uh-huh. Said the frazzled woman with whiskey breath at two o’clock in the afternoon.”
I leveled my gaze on her. “I found out my gestational surrogate miscarried my baby two weeks ago. Does that qualify, Ms. Tania?”
“Oh, fuck yes,” she whispered as she sank down on her stool. “Sorry. Gestational means, it was your egg, right?”
“Yes.” I let out an exhale and raised my beer. “Time to find a new surrogate.”
Randy set two glasses of water in front of our beers.
“Oh, okay. Do you want to find a new one and try again?”
; “I’m not sure.”
“Are you considering not looking for a new one?”
“Maybe.”
“Was it such a bad experience? Did you two not get along or something?”
“No, nothing like that.” I shrugged. “It was odd when she called me herself from the hospital in the middle of the night to tell me about the miscarriage. She was very upset. Crying, wailing. But it wasn’t her baby. It was mine. I wasn’t sure who I had to console first—her or Miller. Or myself.”
“Oh, man. I’m so sorry.” Tania threw an arm around me. She held me there, at Pete’s bar, like only an old girlfriend could.
I sucked in a hiccup and straightened my shoulders.
Tania released me. “You don’t want to do it again?”
“I don’t think I can.”
“I know plenty of women who’ve gone through IVF three or four or five times. But if you can’t, if you don’t want to go through that process again, you don’t have to. It’s there to serve you, you know.”
I sat up straight, flexing my lower back. “I don’t have to go through IVF again. There are a few embryos left to use.”
“Oh. Well, there’s a plus, right?”
“I guess.”
“You sure sitting here, drinking by yourself, is a good idea? Sure isn’t an answer.”
“It’s good for right now.”
Tania covered my hand with hers. The warmth of her touch soothed me for a few seconds, but then heated into a prickle on my skin. I loved her for caring, for showing me she cared. But I had to be here now, here at Pete’s.
I knew every inch of this place, and just the sound of that old cash register dinging and the slam of its drawer in the distance was like the delicious caramel aroma of my mother’s apple crumble. Familiar. Comfortable. Cozy. The very polished wood, sawdust, and yeast smell of this decades-old institution I’d once run made me homesick for a lost time, a time when I hadn’t been lost. When I had been the innocent me who breezed through her life, one foot in front of the other, who made certain to have all her ducks in a row, first as a young woman and then as a newlywed old lady.
It was a sweet time when I’d been blindly happy, a part of a solid relationship, a crew of friends, a part of my community. Working here, flying from the bar to the tables, making jokes, making split-second decisions, dealing with fights, hiring bands, counting cash, chatting about nothing and everything with the regulars, flirting with my husband. Simple, mindless fun. I wanted to breathe that air again. I wanted to remember that person who had functioned on hope and brightness, that person who had a willingness to believe.
I raised the beer glass before me and admired the red color of the ale. “I’m good. I don’t want to go home just yet. This is good beer. I haven’t tasted this flavor before. Good for them.”
“Grace…”
“Tania, really, I’m fine. Just need to catch my breath. Okay?”
She frowned. “I’m sure your new husband wants to help you catch your breath. Why don’t you let him?”
“You’re wrong. I have to help him. I’m just not sure how.” I forced a tight smile and returned my attention to my drink. “I’ll figure it out.”
Miller would look at me now with that sorrow in his eyes. Well, it was actually behind his eyes. He was good at cloaking it, hiding it, but I could see it. I could feel it around me like getting lost in a oversized sweater when first tugging it on. Your face would get stuck in the thick weave, and a stifling instant of dramatic panic would threaten. Then you’d claw your way out. I was stuck in the sweater. The stifling would be over in a minute, wouldn’t it?
“I’ll be all right, Tania. Always am.”
“Yeah. Miss Self-Sufficient.”
I slid my fingers up and down the smooth wet sides of my glass.
“Was the surrogate from here?” she asked.
“No, she lives in Sioux Falls,” I replied.
“Oh. Well, I guess that’s better than way the hell out of state or across the country.”
I wiped my hair from my face. “We were lucky.”
“You find her through a lawyer or—”
“Through a service actually.”
“Oh. That’s good. You know, if you decide to look again, I can help you with any of the paperwork or whatever. I don’t want to interfere in your personal business, but if you need help with weeding through stuff—”
“It is a mountain to get through, a lot of details, decision-making. You get to thinking that simply because someone has a hobby you don’t care for that it will negatively impact your child in the womb.”
“Freaky.”
“Yeah, it does get to be overwhelming.” I rubbed my eyes. “I can’t imagine having a surrogate who lives way out of state, so far away, but you don’t have a choice if that’s who you want.”
“I can help with all that busy work. I’m your girl.”
I turned my head in my hand and stared at her.
Tania had freaked out at my wedding with Dig—not only because she had worn a dress and heels while surrounded by so many raucous club members giving her the eye, but also because I had actually gone through with marrying my first love. It was hardly the dream-wedding extravaganza we had once fantasized about as little girls together, giggling under the covers during one of our million-something sleepovers or as teenagers lying back on the grass in her backyard, staring at massive super-cell cloud formations swirling over us instead of doing our algebra homework.
After hoping that my Dig fascination would peter out and die after living the harsh reality of the club lifestyle, Tanya had given up and somewhat accepted the inevitable. Finally marrying Dig had maybe worn down our friendship at the time. After the wedding, Tania and I drifted apart. Months later, she’d picked up and left. The odd note or holiday card had followed, but after I’d left Meager, we’d lost track of each other.
But she was here now. And I’d enjoyed every gripe and remark she made this afternoon. Yes, I had missed her. A lot. Tania just wanted the best for me. Tania, I knew with absolute certainty, had my back and not any kind of agenda. Tania had been my escape and refuge from a home gone mad with her family’s open door, her and her mother’s sharp humor and brash observations, often bossy tactics, and tight deep hugs. She loved me.
I gave her a weak smile. “Yeah, you are my girl, aren’t you?”
The taut lines of her face softened. “I am.”
Our eyes met in a mental gal-pal hug.
Her gaze darted over my shoulder. “Oh, looky. Time to say good-bye to your former fuck buddy.”
“Shut up, Tania. Never thought I’d lay eyes on him again.”
Tania took a sip of water. “Let’s hope it’s the last time.”
“Well, ladies, this certainly has been fun.” Sam wedged himself in between me and Tania, sliding his arms around us.
I bristled, a cold shiver spiking down my back, a holdover from my old-lady days. If ever a man who was not my old man—most especially if he was not a One-Eyed Jack—touched me or even got too close, no matter how casually, my alarm button would go off and my radar shield would go down. I shook my head at myself and kicked my reaction aside.
“We’ve got to get a move on here. We planned on spending the night in Deadwood to check out the casinos and the re-enactment of Wild Bill’s dead man’s hand.” His voice trailed off as he studied my watery eyes.
“Yeah, you definitely cannot miss that,” Tania muttered.
He ignored Tania. His fingers rubbed into my shoulder and up into my neck. “You want to come with us, Grace? Hang out. Just have some fun. ’Cause, to be honest, babe, looks like you could use it.”
“Sam, I am not lacking in the fun department. It’s just been a pretty bad week or two.”
He ran a finger down my jaw. “You sure about that, babe?”
“She’s positive,” Tania said, shrugging off his arm.
“All right then.” He glanced at Tania. “How about you, Ms. Tania? You up for showing a grou
p of Texans around Deadwood?”
“Fuck no.”
“Yeah, truly a shame.” Sam squeezed my shoulder, and then his hand slid down and stroked my upper back. “Offer stands, Grace. We’ll be at the Bullock if you want to let off some steam. No obligations, no questions asked. You don’t feel like going home to that husband of yours, baby, you don’t have to.”
“The fuck you say.”
A sudden hush filled the bar. My eyelids slid closed at the raw anger in the deep voice I knew so well. Sam’s hand on me stilled.
Tania pivoted on her stool. “Now that’s gotta be your old man!”
Sam let out a choking noise from the back of his throat and removed his hand from me. From behind the bar, Randy fidgeted and swallowed.
“Yes, that’s him,” I said.
“That’s your cue to leave, Sammy,” Tania said in a sour voice.
I glanced up at him. “Bye, Sam.”
“Have a nice road trip,” Tania continued. “And I’d advise, you should find an alternate route on your way back to Texas, if you know what I mean. I’d watch it in Colorado, too. There are One-Eyed Jacks there as well.”
“One-Eyed who?”
Tania chuckled. “Best get going now.”
“Yeah.” Sam frowned, his eyes glued in the direction of the doorway.
I still faced the bar. Out of the corner of my eye, I could see Sam’s friends gathering their jackets and shiny helmets and hustling toward the exit.
“Bye, Grace,” muttered Sam.
I raised my head and focused my strained vision on the reflection in the side mirror of the bar to see a towering and very wired Miller clad in ripped jeans and a white T-shirt smudged with oil. His large dark eyes looked fierce from behind a curtain of raven hair, the colored prisms of the late afternoon sunlight glaring around him, as he filled up the doorway, standing perfectly still.
Tania slid my phone down the bar to me. “I called your hubs on your cell, so you know.”
“I don’t like being thrown under a bus, so you know.”
“You were dragging this shit out. That is not the Grace I know.”
Miller’s gaze was drilling lasers into my back. I tucked my phone in my bag.
Tania strode over to Miller. “She needs to wake the fuck up.”