by Cat Porter
“You saved it?”
“I got to the scene first after I got your call. I was there on that blood-soaked road before Trey and all the rest of the cops got there. You were unconscious. Dig was dead. I went to him. Blood everywhere. His one arm had practically gotten twisted off by the force of the bike landing on him. I grabbed the rings off those fingers—one for you and this one for me. I wanted it with his blood on it. We’d gotten this together on our way to South Dakota. That was when we’d promised each other and ourselves that there was no going back, not ever. You ever see the inside of that ring?”
I shook my head.
“Look,” he whispered.
My hand shook as I held the ring up to the light.
“Is that Latin?”
“I will either find a way or make one,” Boner rasped.
I swallowed down the knot in my throat and stared at him.
“That was an oath to himself to never forget and to always forge ahead.”
“He couldn’t let it go.”
“Would you be able to?” Boner’s gaze glittered.
I shook my head. “No, I wouldn’t.”
“Me neither,” he breathed. “This ring was his call, his pledge of vigilance.”
“Well, you live by the sword, you die by the sword. That’s what happened to Dig. That’s what he made happen, Boner. I don’t want this ring.”
“What?” His eyes widened at me.
“He didn’t have to kill that punk at that motel. Dig brushed it off to me like it was just another day at the office, and of course, it was for you all. But his one moment of crazy, for whatever reason, during a simple transaction led to all this for us—living in a world without him in it.”
“That’s all true, baby. I was the one who went and cleaned up that mess for him. I know. But I have no doubt that piece-of-trash did or said something that was over the line to make Dig react that way. I never questioned it. Still don’t. I see you do though.”
Boner took three steps closer to me, his boots banging on the tile floor, his green eyes hard. “Dig was a brave and smart man, and I think you need to remind yourself of that kind of bone-chilling bravery, that take-no-prisoners reflex. He did not cower. No matter the pain burning his insides, he never cowered.” Boner curled my cold fingers over Dig’s ring. “Take it. Wear it. And you do what needs to be done.”
“I sure don’t need to kill anybody.”
Stupid.
Boner shook his head. “No, you’re trying to make a life here, and that’s rough that you didn’t get what you wanted the first time out. Try the fuck again. What makes you so fucking special in the scheme of things? Why should you be any different?”
I could barely see his face through the blur.
“What the fuck do I know?” His voice softened. “But I do know, Dig wouldn’t have wanted to listen to this outta you either.”
“No, he dealt by daring shit to come find him.”
A slow smile tipped his lips. “That’s right.”
“Made him feel in control, didn’t it?” I wiped my eyes.
“Maybe. But I’ve learned control is one big fucking illusion, baby. What I do know is that you can’t sit back and let shit ride you.” His jaw stiffened. “That’s not what we do.”
I sniffed in air as he wiped at my face with his warm fingers. “You get back up on that bike. If memory serves, took you a while to get used to handling a hog. But you stayed on that saddle, didn’t you?” He raised an eyebrow at me. “Look, if it’s too hard, if you think it’s gonna break you—the way you got broke the last time—then don’t do it.”
My breath hissed. “Nothing will break me like that again. I won’t let it. I’ve got too much to live for now.” I pushed the gun-barrel ring over my thumb. Dig’s battle cry of mindfulness and determination, settled over my skin.
Boner wrapped a hand around my neck and planted a kiss on the side of my mouth. “See that it don’t.”
I buried my face in his shirt, my fingers curling in the worn cotton at his sides.
“You getting boogers on my new shirt now?”
I softly punched his chest. “That’s a new shirt?”
“You’re such a stuck-up fashion bitch, you know that?”
“I have to go shopping for you again.”
I pinched his side, and he only laughed.
“Fuck no.”
“I don’t know why I bother telling you. I’m on it. Today.”
“GRACE! LOOK AT YOU, DARLING!”
“Good to see you, Mrs. Reigert.”
Tania’s mom wrapped me in her arms in a deep hug.
“Well, it’s not good to see you here, I have to say. We should be in my kitchen, around a huckleberry pie and a strong pot of coffee. But no. We’re here in this lovely rehab center.”
“Mother! At least you have your own room.” Tania’s jaw jutted out, and she let out a heavy sigh.
“True!”
“I miss your kitchen. That does sound good!” I murmured. “I’m sorry I haven’t been by to see you lately.”
“Ah, honey.” Rae took my hand in her warm one. “You’re a newlywed girl. You’ve got a lot on your plate. Unlike some.”
I glanced up at Tania, who shook her head and looked away.
“Yeah, I’m only running my own business, looking into relocating to assist my needy mother.”
“We’ve already discussed that. You don’t need to do that. I’ll figure something out with Penny.” Rae’s lips smashed into a thin line.
Rae Reigert had been like a second mother to me for many years, even before I had lost my own. I’d spent so many nights sleeping over at Tania’s, either from wanting to or just plain having to, in order to escape my mother’s tirades over my sister’s antics or after my mother had died so that I could escape the new antics Ruby and her wild crowd would get up to at our house. Our father had left us, and after our mother had died unexpectedly in a car accident, our house had become a crash pad for Ruby’s latest boyfriends and a number of One-Eyed Jacks and their women. Although it had been fun at first, definitely different and freakishly liberating, part of me had only wanted to be a normal kid in a normal home.
Tania’s house had been the opposite of mine. Rae was an extremely clean and fantastically organized housekeeper. She had been the receptionist at one of the local dentist’s offices for years, and with her extra pocket money, she had kept her house decorated with the latest finds, according to the seasons and the holidays. The refrigerator had always been packed, and stews and roasts, with plenty to go around, had filled the house with their delectable aromas. There had been a warmth about their house that was severely lacking in my childhood home, a warmth I had secretly craved for years. I had sworn that¸ one day, I would achieve that for myself.
I had finally created that stable, warm home with Miller. That wish had come true.
Rae rubbed my hands in between both of hers, and I pushed away all my uptight crazy thoughts and focused on her soft brown eyes.
“Come on now. Come sit and tell it to me, all of it. Oh, what’s this ring, Grace?”
“It was Dig’s. His best friend saved it and gave it to me yesterday.”
“Boner?” Tania asked.
“I didn’t know he’d had it all this time. It was Dig’s favorite. I assumed he’d been buried with it. It’s a nice surprise to have it again.”
“Kinda creepy,” murmured Tania.
“For God’s sake, Tania!” Rae made a face at her daughter.
“I caught the silver bug from him.”
“I remember one ring he had was the head of a wolf,” said Tania.
I nodded. “Good memory.”
“Tania and I gave you a hard time when you were with Dig, didn’t we?” asked Rae. “And I’m sorry for that, but we were worried about you. We had seen what happened to Ruby back then. We didn’t want that for you. But you were happy. You made a life with him. That should have been good enough for me.”
“Thank you,
Rae. Yes, we did make a good life together.” My thumb absently rubbed over the smooth silver of Dig’s ring.
“Life pushes on though, doesn’t it? Even if we don’t want it to.” Rae exhaled. “Now, I’m stuck here, but you’re home again. So glad you came home.” She chuckled. “Guess you needed a local boy, one of our own, to find your happy.”
“Yes, I think you’re right.”
“Tell me everything. Is he as brutally handsome as I’ve been hearing?”
“That’s your first question, Mother?”
“Why not? We’re all ladies here.” Rae winked at me. “This is my visit with Grace, not yours, Tania. You probably know all the juicy details already, but now it’s my turn.”
Tania smirked. “Actually, I don’t think I know everything.”
“Tell me, dear,” said Rae.
“Miller is handsome—”
“Very handsome,” chimed in Tania. “And very tall. And dark, too.”
“Yes, he’s all of that.”
Rae pursed her lips. “Is he good to you, baby? That’s what’s important.”
“Yes, Rae.” I laughed. “He’s very good to me. I love him very much.”
“I hear his car-and-bike business is doing well. I’m so glad. You deserve nothing but the very best, good girl like you. You didn’t deserve what happened to you before. Oh, those bad boys. We do our best to love them, but no matter what, trouble does find them.”
“Ma!” Tania’s eye’s flared.
“She’s right, Tan,” I said.
“Correct me if I’m wrong, but the new husband is a bad boy, too,” Rae said.
I let out a small laugh as Rae held my gaze.
She nodded. “If you love him, Grace, he must be a good man, bad boy or not. I’m sure you tamed him just a little bit though, hmm?” Her eyes were still that rich amber-flecked brown that I remembered so well. Those eyes used to look at me with a mixture of affection, concern, and pity, but now they beamed at me, full of pride and delight.
“I hope you didn’t tame him too much!” Tania laughed.
“No, I definitely have not,” I replied.
“You don’t want me to stay home, Ma, and find my untamed happy?”
“You got a husband in Racine, Tania. Or have you forgotten?”
Rae was not a fan of her daughter’s separation or divorce, it seemed.
Tania crossed her arms over her chest. “Why don’t you show Ma those pictures, Grace?”
“Of course!” I took out my cell phone and went through my photographs that I had shared with Tania the other day. “Here you go.”
Rae swiped through a shot of Miller and Jake polishing a bike at the shop, another one of them watching a football game on TV, and the two of them sharing a blanket with their hair standing on end, both their faces twisted in shock and anger over a lost opportunity at a touchdown. There was also one of me and Miller laughing while we danced at Dead Ringer’s a couple of months ago on a night out with Judge and Dee, who had come down from North Dakota.
“Miller is certainly a hottie!” Rae blurted.
Tania and I burst into laughter.
“Isn’t that what they say nowadays?” Rae grinned. “We used to say ‘cute‘ or ‘good looking‘ or ‘sexy’ in my day. Oh and Jake looks just like Ruby. Imagine that.” Rae handed me my cell phone.
“He’s something.” I tucked my phone in my bag. “He’s coming back to stay with us in a couple of weeks while his dad is on another business trip up north, checking on oil wells. Maybe I’ll bring Jake by for a visit. Would you like that?”
“Of course I would! How wonderful. My grandchildren come for visits all the time.”
“Penny’s two boys have really grown up fast. I’ve seen them in town,” I said.
“Haven’t they though?”
Tania moved toward the window and tugged open the curtains, letting in a stream of bright sunlight. “Don’t forget about your granddaughter, Ma.”
Rae lifted her face and then averted her gaze back down to her blanket. “I haven’t forgotten, Tania. I just try not to think about her ’cause that only leads to a mountain of worry with no end in sight.”
“I’m sorry?” I asked.
“Drew has a daughter,” Tania said.
“Really?”
Tania nodded. “We haven’t seen her yet. We haven’t seen him in years actually. He doesn’t really communicate with us anymore since he joined the Flames of Hell a while back.”
“Oh. I’m sorry to hear that.”
“I don’t even want to hear that name!” said Rae. “My son has his own ideas about how to live his life. I can’t say I agree with them. And to know a child is in the middle of all that, I can only imagine what the mother must be like.” Rae pursed her lips. “Let’s change the subject. Tania mentioned something about a surrogate?” Rae asked, a stiff smile on her lips.
“Ma!”
“I tried going the gestational surrogacy route,” I replied.
Rae frowned. “You tried?”
“She just miscarried, Ma.”
“Oh, Gracie. I’m so sorry!”
“Thank you.”
“Well, I know it must be upsetting. I had a miscarriage myself, my first pregnancy, but then I went on to have three without any problems. You never know unless you try. Seems like lots of women are doing it these days. It’s a real blessing. You should try again.” Rae patted my leg.
“Well, that’s your opinion, Mother,” added Tania.
“It is. But I feel that, if a woman chooses to put herself through all that, she must have been extremely determined to begin with.” Rae’s eyes held mine. “Don’t tell me, girl, that there isn’t a small part of you that doesn't want to try again. You don’t want to let this opportunity go to waste, hmm?
I smiled weakly at her.
A knock on the open door had us turning our heads.
A nurse’s aid smiled at us. “Hi, Mrs. Reigert.”
“Hi, honey,” said Rae. “Girls, this is Casey. She makes life for me bearable around here.”
“Hello, Miracle Worker Casey,” said Tania.
Rae exhaled a long breath. “That’s my daughter Tania.”
“Hello,” Casey replied. “The nurses are coming around with everyone’s medication now.” Casey took Rae’s water pitcher to the trolley she had by the open door.
“Is it hard to find a surrogate?” Rae asked. “Where do you look?”
“There are agencies and lots of networking websites nowadays,” I said.
Casey reappeared, the water jug refilled. “If you don’t mind my saying, I have a friend who did it once, being a surrogate. She’s a registered nurse at Vista Pines, down the street. She had a really positive experience, both pregnancy-wise and legally from what she told me.”
“See?” said Rae. “Is she available now for another go?”
“Oh, Ma. Really?” said Tania.
“What’s wrong with asking? How else are we going to find out? You have to network.”
Casey put the plastic jug of water on the bedside table. “She’s actually pregnant with her own baby right now.”
“Good for her,” I murmured.
“I could ask her for you though. She must know people.”
“That’d be nice,” said Rae, quirking an eyebrow at me.
Tania rolled her eyes and mouthed, Sorry, to me.
I shrugged.
“Okay then. I’ll be back after your medication, Mrs. R. It’s your shower day today, remember?”
Rae’s eyes widened. “Oh, good! Thank you, dear.”
Casey waved at us on her way out the door.
“Well, that’s our cue to go. You got work today, Grace?”
“No, I took the day off.”
“Oh. I have an idea.”
“What is it this time?” asked Rae.
“Grace, how about you come with me on a little business trip?”
“A business trip?”
Tania was a professional “picker,” an
antiques dealer who scoured people’s basements, attics, garages and barns hunting for forgotten treasures to restore and sell.
“I have a lead on a pick just across the border in Nebraska—if the beast men can spare you, that is.” She smirked at me.
“When?”
“Now.”
“Now?”
“Some tiny town just past Chadron.”
“Chadron’s not far. You two should go and have fun,” said Rae. “But watching Tania burrow through some hoarder’s mountain of dirty junk might not be too entertaining.”
Tania groaned. “Oh, Ma.”
A road trip. A girl getaway, like we used to do when we were younger without a care in the world, other than coveting yet another tube of lip gloss. A cooler full of flavored iced teas and chocolate bars in the backseat, our favorite music on cassettes, and getting out of work early with enough money for gas and booze. There would be no men hovering or treading lightly with me, not being able to look me in the eyes for fear of intruding or of the sadness or the crushed hope they might see.
Everything still looked the same at the store, the shop, the club, the supermarket, home, yet nothing was the same. I’d been functioning on automatic and felt guilty for feeling bad and felt bad for feeling guilty. Not even Miller taking me hard and then very tender every night could tear through that tight web I had spun around myself. But he certainly tried.
“Grace…take me in all the way, baby. All the fucking way,” he’d growled against my skin last night as he’d gripped my hips at my sides, thrusting deep.
My hands had held on to his arms that braced me. I had taken him in. I’d surrendered to his high, a high like no other, but in the back of my heart, I’d felt that ping, reminding me that I wasn’t worthy of his pleading or his urgent lovemaking. His mouth, hands, cock had all worked feverishly to give me a raw bliss that would make me forget, make me let go, make me fly. Yes, I’d seen bright stars last night, but I’d shut my eyes against the glare.
I grinned at Tania. “I’m game. Let’s go.”
“SO, WHAT ARE YOU AFTER ON THIS PICK?” I asked Tania.